HOST NOTE:

I swear I posted this yesterday. I thought it posted fine, but apparently I was wrong. So here we go again. My apologies to Marvar for the opsie on my part.

Up on the Rooftop by Marvar

Summary: Bella and her friends have a few naughty surprises for the guys that dumped them right before the holiday. Rated M for Merry Fucking Christmas

Beta: Cosmogirl7481

Prereader: Twilover 76

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"Can you please stop watching Charlie Brown Christmas and get over here? We have plans to make for tonight," my best friend Alice says to me as I sit sprawled out on the couch.

"I'm really feeling like the tree in this - sad and unwanted."

"Hey - at the end everyone loves the tree and they realize that it was good enough; it just needed love."

"So - I'm hoping that I'm the tree in this scenario?"

"This discussion is not holiday fun, Bella."

"I was watching a Christmas show before you butted in," I call out after her as she walks towards the kitchen.

"No bickering. This is a female bonding session," Rosalie says, from the other side of the couch.

"What's this in the fridge?" Alice calls out. "Is it eggnog? I love that stuff."

I look at the container she's holding. "Oh yeah. My dad made a big batch to take to the party. He probably left some extra for us. Go ahead. Help yourself."

"Ooh. This is really good. You should have some too." She takes another big swig from the pitcher.

"Geez, Alice. I don't know what's grosser - the fact that you're drinking from the pitcher or that you have a cream mustache," Rosalie says, scowling.

"Bella doesn't care. And I don't have cooties."

"Seriously. It looks like someone shot a load on your face."

Alice throws a dishtowel at her, and then licks her upper lip. "Delicious."

"I bet. Whore," Rosalie teases.

"Like you don't swallow."

"Ugh. You're both disgusting," I complain. "Please stop talking about swallowing loads. Especially since we currently are without the resources to provide said loads."

"Stop. Don't remind me about that."

"Never thought we'd be complaining about that." I scoff. "We're just going to have to learn how to live without men for a while."

"Stop reminding me of that. Oh, fuck it. Give me some of that creamy stuff," Rose demands. "I'll pretend it's Emmett's jizz."

"I'll remind you of this next time you complain that it tastes weird."

Alice pours some for both of us. And then she takes another long drink. "Charlie put in a lot of rum."

"He puts in rum and bourbon."

"Well, tonight is the perfect night for rum, bourbon...and whatever else we can drink. I want to forget all about those idiots." Rose gulps hers down.

We're at my house while our parents (and the whole neighborhood) are at Rosalie's house for an adults-only Christmas party. Her parents eloped on Christmas Eve, so every year they try to recapture the big wedding they missed out on. It's been almost twenty years now, so I think it's more about all the adults having fun without the kids. Mrs. Cope has a big party for all the kids at her house every year, and everyone leaves them there for the night.

We would always go to that party, but since we're home from our first year of college, we decided we were too old for it. And we really didn't want to see certain people at Rosalie's. So here we are at my house, with eggnog and a giant tin of Christmas cookies. And maybe one or four gallons of ice cream.

We're going to eat all of our feels.

Because we are all currently single.

You see, our boyfriends decided that they would break up with us last week. We don't know why. They each gave us some bullshit speech about not tying us down and exploring our horizons. Alice thinks they lost a bet. Rose thinks that they didn't want to buy us Christmas presents. And I just think they're all stupid and probably listened to Emmett's idiot brother, Garrett. He always convinces them to do stupid things.

It's probably a combo of all three.

I mean, they are only teenagers.

We actually saw them yesterday at Mike Newton's party. Of course we went dressed up as hot as we possibly could and tried to flirt with all the guys there. But...nothing. Our exes would barely look at us and the other guys acted the same way. Eric Yorkie actually looked scared to talk to me. And he had asked me to every dance ever held at Forks High. Even after I started dating Edward. But last night, nothing. It was like we never existed.

And then we left and ate chili fries and shakes at the diner.

So our confidence is at an all-time low. We're going to do makeovers. And drink. Rosalie snuck out a few bottles from her parents' bar.

"So my mom asked me this morning if Jasper was coming over for Christmas morning. And I burst into tears," Alice says as we sit in my living room. "I realized that he wouldn't be there tomorrow. Where's the vodka, Rose? I need a drink."

Rose pours some into her cup, and she tosses it down in one gulp. "At least put some cranberry in that, you lush."

"You're right. I shouldn't be drowning my sorrows. Fuck Jasper. He can kiss my ass. His new haircut looks stupid anyway with the stupid highlights and how it's all thick and wavy. And those perfect cheekbones and dimples...what's that all about?" Alice pours another drink. I hope she gets pain meds in her stocking for tomorrow's hangover.

"Yeah," Rose chimes in. "Fuck Emmett and his muscles. He was getting too big for me. I mean how many hours in the gym can you do? It's not right. His body is too bulging." They both look to me.

"So is the part where I say 'Fuck Edward' and his perfect face and hot body?" They look at me with raised eyebrows. "Well...yeah. I wish I was fucking Edward and staring at his perfect face and dreamy green eyes."

"Bella!" They both yell out.

"What? I'm not gonna lie. I want him. Even when I'm married and old I'll still remember the stretch of his giant co-"

"Oh my god. Shut up." Rose throws a pillow at me. "You look like you're about to start touching yourself."

I flip her off. "Sure. Blame me for wanting him. At least I admit it." I mock, "Emmett's too buff...Jasper's hair is too sexy. What's next? Oh, their cocks are too big - I'm glad we broke up. Our vaginas need a rest from all the orgasms."

"You know what? You're right. And I'm sick of talking about this. Let's do our makeovers now," Alice says. "And I need to put on the make up before I'm sloshed and we all end up looking like drag queens."

"Yes! I have a whole box of lingerie. My dad brought my mom all the new stuff from his winter line," Rose says excitedly. "Perfect for the holiday. Christmas colors."

"Yeah. Green and red crotchless panties bring out the 'ho ho ho' in me."

"You know we're all going to look super hot in those outfits, Bella. Too bad those idiots aren't here to see us and eat their cold, black hearts out," Alice says.

"I have an idea. We're either going to get them back, or ruin them for all other women. Let's grab the eggnog and the thongs and get to work," I say with a smile.

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"What are we doing here, dude? They're obviously not coming," Jasper whines. "This was a horrible idea. Just like going to that party yesterday and avoiding them."

"Not as bad as Emmett's brother's idea to break up with our girlfriends," I complain. "I could be warming up Bella right now instead of getting hit on by these cougars. If Mrs. Stanley gropes my ass again, I swear I'm going to tell my mom."

"Mrs. Crowley keeps bumping into me so she can touch me in my crotchtal area. I feel violated, Ed. She used to babysit me."

"That's so wrong."

"Let's get Emmett and get the fuck out of here. I'm getting depressed."

"Fuck Emmett. We should have broken up with his ass instead of our girlfriends," I spit out. "My mother would knock me upside my head if I told her what we did. I swear I want to kick my own ass for being so stupid."

"I know. My mom likes Alice more than me."

"Earlier I smelled some sugar cookies and it reminded me of Bella's body lotion. I had a hard-on and tears in my eyes at the same time. It's not right."

"I'm texting Alice. Maybe if we beg, they'll take us back."

"Right. After Emmett threatened every guy at the party last night to stay away from them? They'll never speak to us. We need a better plan."

"But I just texted her."

"Good luck with that."

"Well, at least I'm doing something besides crying into Chief Swan's eggnog."

"We drank eggnog after our first time last year. It was Christmas Eve, too." I sigh. "The taste brings back all the memories. Fuck. I'm getting all emo again."

"You're lucky he doesn't know what we did. The girls haven't told their parents either, I don't think."

"Yeah. I remember the talk he gave me when I first took out Bella. He cleaned his guns and said if I hurt her, he could make it so no one would ever find me." I shudder. "And still I wanted her more than anything."

We stand there all stupid and lonely. Then I decide to text her that I need to see her because I feel like a dick right now. I'll even face the Chief's shotgun for her.

"Hey, who pissed in your beer? You look all sad and shit." Emmett walks over and whacks us both on the back.

"You did, you fucking dumbass. You ruined Christmas."

"So I'm the Grinch because we listened to my brother's friendly advice?"

"Advice? I think you guys hypnotized us or gave us roofies or something, because I was out of my mind to break up with Bella. I love her."

"Yeah. Dick," Jasper adds. "I love Alice."

He laughs. It sounds forced. We both stare at him. He runs his hand over his face and admits, "Okay. I fucked everything up. What are we going to do?"

"Beg," we all say at once.

"And then change your sweater. Because that's fucking ridiculous," I add.

"What? My nana knitted it for me. I like the reindeer."

I roll my eyes. "Rose isn't going to take you back in that."

"Shut up. No one cares about Emmett's ugly sweater. We have to find out where they are." Jasper reaches into his pocket. "My phone! Maybe she texted me back."

We eagerly watch him swipe his phone and read. His face falls. "You must be texting the wrong number," he reads aloud in a monotone. "Jasper is no longer part of my life per his brilliant choice to explore what else life offers. Merry fucking Christmas."

"That was harsh," Emmett says.

Jasper flicks him in the ear. "I swear I'm never drinking with you and your brother again. Fucking Garrett."

"Yeah. Like he knows anything," Emmett admits. "He just has the knack to get people to do what he suggests."

"That's why we always got in trouble growing up! We listened to his stupid ideas and took the blame." My phone buzzes in my jacket pocket. I pull it out and read the text aloud, "Miss these? Someone else gets to touch them since you needed a break."

"What the fuck?" Emmett asks.

"There's a picture. Oh, fuck me," I groan. It's a close up of her tits. Her perfect, mouthwatering tits, barely encased in a see-though red bra.

"Holy shit. Bella is stacked," Emmett says over my shoulder. "You broke up with that?" I elbow him in the gut.

"Dude. I swear..." I turn around with clenched fists. He puts his hands up in submission.

"At least she's sending you dirty pictures. Alice won't acknowledge me. What about Rose?" Jasper asks.

"I texted her that I missed her."

"And?"

"And she said, 'Of course you do, dumbass.' "

Jasper and I laugh. It feels good. I haven't even smiled in a week. I've alternated between gentle sobbing and jerking off to Bella's picture. Jasper looks at his phone again. "I got a text from Alice: 'Someone else will be exploring this tonight.' Exploring what? Motherfucker. I can't take this." He tosses his phone on the table and rubs his eyes.

"There's a picture now," Emmett says, grabbing Jasper's phone. "Sweet baby Jesus, that's a nice ass. Props for tapping that." He holds up his hand for a high five, and then awkwardly puts it down when I glare at him. "Hey, who's licking it?"

Jasper lets out a cry of anguish from behind his hands.

I glance at the pic of Alice's ass. I groan. "Bella. I know that tongue. And those lips. If I wasn't a dumb fuck, I could have them wrapped around me right now."

"Damn. These girls are hot."

"No shit!" I yell. "I hope Rose sends you a picture of her blowing some other guy."

"Dude. That's not right."

"Sorry. I'm just...you know. I need to do something."

Emmett's phone chimes in his pocket. We all freeze, waiting or more torture. He yanks his phone out and just stares, mouth wide open.

"What?" Jasper and I cry out. "Show us."

He turns his screen toward us. "I just...no words."

"Are they shooting a porno?" Jasper cries. "Rosalie is getting more action than I ever have. And all three of them were in that picture, so who was taking it?"

I just stand there like an idiot.

"We can go find them. Forks is tiny. And all the guys they could be with are here," Emmett says.

Jasper finally removes his hands from his hair. He's going to need a wig soon if he doesn't stop pulling it out. "No, that's not true. Tyler, Eric, and Mike left earlier. I heard them talking about hooking up with some girls," he says quietly.

We all look at each other. Those douchenozzles will touch our women over my dead body.

"Let's go."

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"Did you send it?" Alice asks eagerly. "I wish I could see their faces when they look at it." She looks so excited. I hope it's not because I just licked her and Rosalie.

"Emmett has already texted me that he misses me. This might work."

"At least we know they are possibly regretting this whole mess," Alice replies.

"Oh they regret it. But we're going to make it hurt," I say. "That last picture will do it. Do you know how many guys would kill to watch us in a threesome?"

"Well, you both are hot, but I'm sure that I love cock," Rose says. "I would probably let Alice go down on me though. She has a long tongue." She sticks hers out at us suggestively.

"I'm oddly offended by that, Rose."

"And I'm oddly aroused," adds Alice. We all laugh.

"I say we put on some music and take some more pictures."

"Let's go upstairs and take them on my bed. It's time to crank this up a notch."

"Crank it up?" Alice asks. "The next step is like actual penetration. There's not enough eggnog for that."

"Rose...get out the Jaegermeister."

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"I say we keep knocking and ringing the bell. This idea is dangerous."

"Shut up, Jasper. I used to do this all summer. I could get right into Bella's room without her dad knowing."

"I agree with Jasper. What if we fall? We won't be able to play soccer this season."

"Stop being such babies. They're purposely hiding out up there. We know they didn't go out with Tyler and the others. They're here, probably drunk, and wearing almost nothing."

"I feel weird about this..." Emmett says.

"It's that stupid sweater and Santa hat on your head."

"It's warm!" he exclaims. "And it matches my sweater."

"We're trying to get the girls back, not make them laugh hysterically."

"I say we call them instead," Jasper chimes in.

"Dude, don't you want to see them?"

"Um, yeah, but not from a hospital bed."

"Fuck both of you. I'm going on the roof by myself."

My two friends exchange looks. "We'll go with you. But under protest."

"Whatever," I mutter. "Fucking pussies can't even climb onto a roof and jump onto a tree branch from the second story. Elite athletes, my ass."

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"They're going to have a heart attack from that last one. I hope my face doesn't show in it," Alice says.

"Nah...It was buried in my cooch." We all giggle hysterically. Because that was funny. Or we're drunk. If the boys don't come running over after we basically acted out a scene from Dick the Halls, then I give up. Rosalie was a perfect Slutty Claus.

THUMP. PLONK.

"What the hell is that noise? It sounded like it was coming from the roof," Rose calls out.

Alice snort-laughs. "It's Santa!"

We hear footsteps on the roof. "And his reindeer!" I shout.

"What if it's the Christmas Killer trying to get in?" Rose yells.

"That's not a real thing!"

"What if it is? We could be his first victims."

"It's vampires!"

"Geez. How many shots have you had, Rose?"

"Enough to know I don't want to die, Bella."

"I'll call my dad. Will that make you feel better?"

"Yes."

My dad promises to send a squad car over right away, since he can't drive over right now. He laughs and says it's probably Santa on the roof. But he tells me to get his Glock out just in case.

We sit on my bed huddled together, hoping it's not actually the Christmas Killer. But that's more likely than it being Santa.

"Up on the rooftop, quick, quick, quick...down through the chimney, came old St. Nick," we sing, hoping we won't be murdered in Christmas lingerie.

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"So what now, genius?"

"How the fuck would I know that Chief Swan trimmed the tree I always climbed on?"

"Well, let's get down. This is over."

"Um, we can't get down," I mumble.

"Wait, did you say we couldn't get down from here?" Jasper asks.

"Uh...no."

"What the fuck, Edward?" Emmett yells.

"Well, I always went out through the door after we...you know."

"Well, we're screwed now."

"No. This isn't that bad," Jasper says. He nods his head in the direction of the lights and sirens. "That's bad."

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"Wait, Edward is on the roof?" I exclaim when my father calls.

"Edward is the Christmas Killer?" Rose shouts. "Oh my god. You dodged a bullet, Bella."

"Shut up, Rose. There is no Christmas Killer. Alice, get her some coffee."

"Okay...where's the Starbucks?"

Geez, am I the only one who can hold her liquor?

I explain to my dad why I think Edward and his idiot friends got caught on my roof.

"Yes, Daddy. I think a night in jail is exactly what he needs to straighten him out."

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I knock my head against the bars of cell number two in the Forks' Police Department lock-up. We've been in here for a few hours. We've been texting the girls, begging forgiveness, but they still haven't come for us. "My mother is going to kill me," I say, hopelessly.

"So's mine," Jasper whines.

"My nana will never forgive me," Emmett says.

"Well, you won't be getting anymore Christmas sweaters...so there's the silver lining to all this."

"Geez, Edward. Prison has made you cynical."

"Bella is never going to want to date an ex-con."

"Especially one who's broken her heart," she says. "But you're not actually a felon. You didn't even get officially booked, morons. Jasper, Emmett, you're free to go. I think that you'll be pleased to see who is taking you home." She opens up the cell to let Emmett and Jasper out.

"Thanks for bailing us out, Bella," Jasper says.

"I didn't. Thank Alice. She showed Sam her boobs. He always had a thing for her."

Jasper runs down the hall, Emmett trailing behind him.

She turns and faces me. Her expression is unreadable.

"Bella," I choke out, coming toward her. "I'm so sorry. Please...baby...I love you. Can you still love an idiot? I'll do anything. I'll beg."

"Shut up, Edward. I've read all ninety-seven texts you sent me. I know how sorry you are."

"I really am. My phone died or I would have sent more. I'll never take you for granted or listen to Garrett again, I swear. I know I was being immature."

"Yes, you were...and Garrett is going to get his. He just got picked up for indecent exposure because he was doing Mrs. Stanley in her car in front of Rose's house. But fuck him. You almost lost me."

"Almost? Are you going to forgive me?" I say, hopefully. I look at her, trying to convey my love through my eyes.

She slips off the long coat she was wearing, revealing the skimpiest elf costume ever. She looks fucking awesome. "What do you think?"

I cough. "Merry fucking Christmas to me."

She straddles my lap, and I know I'm going to get laid in this cell. I'm getting the one thing I wanted for Christmas. There is a Santa Claus!

She rubs herself against me, and her nipples are so hard they could shred my shirt. Then she nibbles on my earlobe and says, " Before you get too excited, you should know that we called your mothers and told them exactly what you did to us. So this will probably be the last time you ever touch me. Make it good."

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