(A/N) Yeah, you'll be seeing a lot of prompt fics from me these next couple of days. This one was difficult for me to tackle, as the request was the Fili watch Kili masturbate without him realizing it, while Fili pines for his brother…and even though Fili realizes it's him his brother's fantasizing about, the requestor wanted the ending to be ambiguous (though, if you know my other works, then you probably have some idea of how I would continue this.
Warnings: Durincest ( in a manner of speaking), voyeurism, and masturbation.
Look, But Don't Touch
Kili thought he was being subtle when he snuck away from the camp, but Fili saw him.
He always saw him.
Most of the time, it wasn't difficult to pretend to the rest of the world that his constant eye on his little brother wasn't anything more than brotherly affection…but when Kili crept away from their company in the night like this, Fili couldn't help but follow. He was drawn…like a moth to Kili's flame…and like a moth, Fili knew that if he ever reached out to touch that flame, he would burn.
He could look…but he couldn't touch.
Kili went deep into the wood…until he seemed confident that no one would overhear him, and when he stopped moving, Fili stopped with him, staying out of sight, just as intent on not being overheard.
In the moonlight, Fili could see his brother smiling faintly as he leaned against a tree. Slowly, his hands reached down to undo his belt. Fili swallowed heavily. He knew he shouldn't be doing this…knew it was wrong, but he couldn't help himself. He never had been able to help himself where Kili was concerned.
The first time had been when Kili was thirty-two and he thirty-seven…back when they'd still shared the same bed. He had heard his brother whimpering in the dark. At first, he'd thought Kili was just having a bad dream, but when he'd touched his brother's shoulder to wake him, he'd heard him gasp.
"Are you all right?"
"Fili…" he'd started slowly, the embarrassment plain to be heard in his voice. "I…I made a mess."
Fili had sat up then, looking over Kili's shoulder to see the fruits of his baby brother's orgasm.
"I…I'm sorry. Nothing's ever…come out before…when I did that," Kili had apologized meekly…and for several moments, Fili had found himself transfixed by the sight of his little brother's thighs…coated in his sticky release. Unbidden, an image of Kili surfaced in his mind…little Kili, lying on their bed, his legs parted invitingly as he stroked himself. The fantasy had also supplied a delicate sheen of sweat on his skin and his wild, dark hair spilling out over the pillows.
Almost immediately, the young prince had felt himself grow hard. Shame burning deep in his gut, he'd leaped up from the bed to keep Kili from seeing.
"Don't worry about it. It's perfectly normal," he'd said, tasting the lie in his mouth as he struggled to hide his own arousal from his brother. Without looking back at him, he'd tossed him a cloth. "Here. Just get yourself cleaned up. I'll get you some water."
He'd fled from his brother after that, finding some place private to get himself off quick…all with that delicious, sinful, wrong image of his baby brother in his head. It hadn't been long after that he'd insisted they start sleeping in separate beds.
Look, but don't touch.
At first, Fili had tried to dismiss it as a phase, but it didn't let up. Whenever he heard Kili at night, he would quietly wank to the sound of it, picturing him lying in his bed just across the room, hand between his legs…touching himself. Whenever he would sneak off to another alcove in the bathing houses, Fili would follow, listen in…watch if he could. He'd even caught him at it in the woods one day after a particularly intense sparring session between the two of them. Always he was enflamed by the sight of Kili's cock growing hard in his hands, the way his muscles would tense just before his release…then the climax, the tiny cry of pleasure and the small gush of semen, leaving his jaw slack and his hand sticky. Then he would just watch Kili breathe, his body trembling with the after shocks of the orgasm. Almost before Fili had even been able to admit it to himself, he was over the moon for his own brother…and every time he got himself off to the sight of Kili pleasuring himself, he felt a little more of his heart blacken.
Tonight was no different. Fili felt the familiar guilt pool in his stomach as he watched Kili pull his prick out, nimble fingers gently stroking the tender flesh between his legs. As always, though, the guilt wasn't enough to quash the wretched desire…the lust that began to pump the blood into his own prick. Quietly, he reached a hand down between his own legs, starting to rub himself through the cloth of his trousers. He didn't even really need to touch himself anymore. The sight alone…the sight of Kili touching himself…panting, moaning, sweating, aching with want…that would be enough to bring him to his orgasm.
Look, but don't touch.
Whimpering with need, Kili reached his other hand into his tunic, rubbing fiercely at his sensitive nipples. Fili felt his jaw go slack as Kili writhed against the tree, sinking further into its dark, deep embrace.
"Oh, Mahal…oh, Mahal," he groaned in pleasure. Fili rubbed himself all the harder, eyes riveted to his brother's body.
"Hah…nngh…touch me," he whimpered quietly…as if to a lover. "Please…my love…touch me…"
Fili felt his body grow hot all over at this. Kili had never done this before…called out to someone. Who was he dreaming of? What blessed person had the privilege of having their hands on Kili's body…even if it was only in his mind? A lass back home…or maybe even a member of their own company? Along with the fire of lust, Fili also felt a hot surge of jealousy.
Mahal, how I want you…how I love you…my precious brother…my lovely Kili. I will die for want of your love…but I can never have you. I love you too much…to taint your beauty with the shame of incest.
It was true. No matter how much he loved Kili…how badly he wanted him…he could never reach out and take what he wanted. He loved his brother too much to reduce him to what he was. Beautiful Kili…perfect Kili…the only dwarf he would ever love.
Look…but don't touch.
"Please…please…ungh…ah…" Kili's sweet voice pounded at his ears with every stroke of his hand, drawing them both closer and closer to their release. Fili had to struggle not to cry out.
Kili was a weeping, whimpering mess, crying out softly as he fisted himself in ever more desperate hands. He had sunk almost completely to the forest floor, legs parted as if inviting someone to join with him…and oh, how Fili longed to…longed to lose himself deep in the tight, wet heat of his brother's body.
That was how Fili came…his name on his brother's full lips and shock in his heart as he watched Kili spill.
Rather than enjoy the aftermath of his orgasm as he usually did, Kili lifted his head up, glancing fearfully around, as if he expected someone to jump out of the bushes. When he seemed satisfied he was alone, he collapsed back against his tree, body trembling and breathing heavily. Were those tears on his face?
"Fili…I'm sorry. I'm so sorry," he cried quietly. "It would shame you…to see this. I'm so sorry…but I can't help it. I love you."
It had been him. All this time…and it had been his hands Kili imagined caressing him, his lips kissing him in the dark. It had been the thought of him that Kili pleasured himself to. All this time, they had longed for each other…loved each other in secret, never realizing that the other had always been right there.
Fili was just about to stumble forward, just about to take Kili in his arms and tell him how much he'd longed for him, just about to finally kiss him…when he felt the shadows of doubt flicker back to life in his heart.
Look, but don't touch.
What if this was new for Kili? What if his brother didn't know what he felt? What might happen if he revealed himself to Kili now…and his brother's feelings were not truly the same as his? He didn't think he could bear it. His heart would be shattered.
Besides, hadn't he promised himself he would never do this…never reach out to pollute Kili with his desires…never bring him down to his level?
Look, but don't touch.
Except he's already at your level, a nasty voice at the back of his head pointed out. He's just as tainted as you are. You've both already been consumed by your sin. Why not give in to it? Have him. Have what you've always wanted. He'll give it to you…quite willingly.
And yet…he was the older. He was meant to be the protector, the guardian. It was his duty to protect Kili. Was this so different? Protecting him from themselves…from what they were? In the end…would it only cause Kili more pain if he allowed him to fall into temptation with him?
I cannot…allow myself to hurt you…Sannadad.
He's hurting now, another voice pointed out. See how he suffers? Like you, he is dying for want of your love. It is in your power to stop his suffering. How can you allow it to go on?
No matter where I turn, there is only pain…pain for the both of us, he argued with himself. There is no way to win…nothing to do…but not to make a choice at all.
You're making a mistake, he warned himself, but he slowly shook his head no. It took everything he had to turn away from his brother.
I will not bring harm to you, my love…and until I understand how best to care for you…we must both suffer in silence. If my suffering will deliver you from this darkness, I will gladly bear it,he vowed. Except…what if the only way to save you…is to give you my love?
He had no answer. He knew what he wanted…but he didn't know what was best for Kili. He had only what he had always done…protecting Kili from himself.
Look…but do not touch.
So, torn in both body and spirit, Fili walked away, leaving his brother lying on the forest floor, weeping quietly.