A/N: I decided to just goof off a bit by writing a fun and humorous three-shot. You won't have to wait long for me to update parts two and three. I will have them up quickly, and hopefully you will all enjoy this bit of fun as a well-deserved break from my more dramatic fics. Enjoy! XO-Chrmdpoet
Part One: Everyone Can See It
Henry was tired of his mothers, both of them. He was tired of their endless and senseless bickering, which never resulted in anything but more bickering. He was tired of their incessant need to belittle one another or manipulate one another only so that the other would then step up her game and keep the ball moving. He was tired of the way they used him like a rope in a game of tug o' war, constantly yanking him back and forth between them.
It was pointless, really, because the drama of the Curse had passed a while ago, and yet they were still going at it, ever at each other's throats even though he loved them both equally. Emma had saved the townspeople from the Curse and Regina had redeemed herself and was reinstated as Mayor, and that should have been the end of it, but no. It was as if neither of them knew how to function unless they were tearing into one another, or maybe they just felt uncomfortable stepping outside their traditional roles of good versus evil. Or maybe they only fought in order to have an excuse to be near each other (you know, because love or sex wouldn't have been a suitable reason at all.)
Regardless of the reasoning, Henry was sick of it.
Besides, it was blatantly obvious to Henry and to everyone in the entire town of Storybrooke that his moms actually really liked each other. Well, it was obvious to everyone except Emma and Regina, of course. But Henry was no fool. He recognized the way they both were constantly seeking out the other, constantly looking for reasons to engage in a fight or conversation, constantly asking him pointless questions about each other, and constantly watching one another when they thought the other wasn't looking.
Oh, and despite their incessant fighting and attempts at putting each other down, both women were always the very first to jump to the other's defense should the need arise. When the town went after Regina, Emma was right in the middle of the fray screaming for them to stop and doing her best to protect the woman she supposedly despised. She protected Regina from a wraith, stood up for her when she was framed for murder, saved her from crazed, magic-hating torturers, and refused to let her sacrifice her life to save the town by helping her stop the so-called "unstoppable" diamond.
And Regina? Well, she wasn't much better. When she finally got her chance to be free of the blonde the day Emma fell into a portal, the first thing Madame Mayor did was start working to bring her back. Interesting thing to do for someone you supposedly loathed. Not only that, but Regina then absorbed an actual death curse to ensure that Emma made it back to Storybrooke through a portal in a well and didn't die in the process. Repeat: absorbed a death curse.
And finally, there was the whole magic thing. Henry knew a lot more about magic than most non-magical people would. He'd read a lot of books on the subject, and not only on magic, but on True Love as well. Yes, Henry Mills recognized True Love when he saw it, and his two mothers? Oh yeah…they had it. Transcending realms by opening portals together, magically stopping something said to be unstoppable, and so on and so forth.
The evidence was overwhelming. In Henry's opinion, it was really sort of pathetic that neither of his moms had clued into any of it yet. How blind could you possibly be, right?
So, completely and utterly fed up with his mother's behavior, Henry hatched a plan to turn the tide. He was going to help his moms see just how much they actually liked each other, and he had come up with the perfect idea on how to accomplish exactly that.
Henry peeked around the corner and into the main room of the police station. His blonde birthmother was sitting at her desk, flipping through some papers on a clipboard. He grinned wickedly as he opened his phone to send her a text message he'd typed up before he ever even left the house that morning.
It was time to enact Operation SwanQueen. He'd originally called it Operation Meriff, like Mayor and Sheriff combined, but quickly decided that he didn't like the way it sounded; same with Operation Shayor. So then he tried Operation EvilSavior, which he immediately felt bad about because he no longer believed his adoptive mother to be evil and didn't want to call her that, even if he was the only person who would've known. So, he scratched that idea and went with Operation SaviorQueen, only to almost immediately scrap that title, too, because it sounded too much like a play on words (Operation Save-Your-Queen). And finally he landed on Operation SwanQueen and thought it had a nice ring to it.
Naming operations was a serious matter, never to be taken lightly. Seriously.
He double-checked the text message, which read: Ma, don't forget to take Ruby the cookies we made her BEFORE lunch.
Henry mentally patted himself on the back for his genius planning as he went ahead and sent the text message. He'd deliberately roped Emma into baking cookies with him the night before, claiming that he wanted to make some for Regina and surprise her because she'd seemed sad lately (which of course got Emma's attention. So blind.) He then said they'd made too many and conveniently put some in a tin and asked his birthmother to take them to Ruby for lunch the next day.
Okay, sure…it was an elaborate plan and probably way too involved for the task at hand, but hey…go big or go home, right?
The true genius of the plan was that Henry waited until exactly two minutes before Ruby's scheduled lunch break to send Emma the text, hopefully ensuring that his mother would freak and run out quickly to drop the cookies at the diner before returning to the station. He kept his fingers crossed that he wouldn't have to come up with another plan, and then he heard his mother's phone beep and watched as she relaxed back into her chair and opened the text.
Sure enough, Emma nearly fell out of her chair as she shot a glance to the clock and cursed loudly. Henry nearly laughed out loud at his mother's predictable behavior but he kept a hand clamped tightly around his mouth to keep himself quiet. He watched as Emma tossed her phone onto her desk and launched from her chair. She dug around in the papers on her desk, trying to find the small tin of cookies under one of the messy piles. As soon as she found it, she let out an "Aha!" of triumph before grabbing her jacket off of the coat rack and practically sprinting from the station.
Henry darted quickly out of the corner he'd ducked into when he'd seek his mother running toward him, and shot to her desk. He grabbed the phone she'd left behind and ran out of the station as if his pants were on fire, because the diner wasn't far from the station which meant he had a very small window of time to get the phone and get out.
As soon as Henry made it safely down the street and out of sight of the station, he let out a whoop of triumph and joy before making his way back to Emma's loft, where he lived part-time. It was a Saturday and he didn't have school, so he'd convinced both of his mothers that he'd made plans with friends that day (some of the Lost Boys, much to Regina's disdain), when his actual plans revolved solely around himself and his two obviously dense moms.
"Phase One of Operation SwanQueen complete," Henry muttered as he stepped into the loft and hung up his jacket. He made his way over to his laptop, still open on the coffee table in the living room and pulled it into his lap as he dropped onto the couch. "Now, on to Phase Two."
Henry opened the window on his computer that he'd minimized right before leaving the loft, and was greeted by a bright blue webpage with the heading: Awesome Pick-Up Lines that Actually Work.
Henry didn't have the slightest clue what a good pick-up line consisted of, because with everything he'd been through in the last couple of years, he hadn't even spared a thought for attraction or dating or any of that. Regina told him he was too young for it anyway, which he was inclined to agree with considering it seemed like a boring waste of time when compared with magical threats and impending doom. The point was that he didn't know what girls liked to hear or what might impress them, so he relied on his friend, the Internet, and hoped that it would actually help him accomplish the task of finally getting his moms together.
Emma's phone was so old-school that Henry could not help but laugh out loud at it. He actually had to tap out each letter on the number pad. At least Regina had an iPhone. That would have been much easier, but may more obvious. Regina was much more gullible than Emma, at least when it came to things like this, because his adoptive mother had little experience in this area of life.
So, Henry opened Emma's text board and tapped out the first of many pick-up lines he intended to send to his adoptive mother under the guise of his birthmother. Again, he patted himself on the back for another genius plan, which he sincerely hoped worked because he actually didn't have a Phase Three in mind. He hoped that his mothers would just take Phase Two and run with it, thus making his operation a success. Otherwise, he'd have to come up with a whole new operation, which meant he'd have to come up with a new name for that operation, which meant more serious deliberation, and well…you get the picture. He just really hoped this would work.
As soon as he pressed send, Henry sat back and smiled, waiting for a reply that could very well make or break his entire operation.