The yellow helicopters flying overhead keep watch over us, making sure that no harm comes to our beautiful city. Any other colored helicopters are dangerous and should be avoided at any cost. StrexCorp welcomes you to Night Vale.
In response to the mass confusion that broke out earlier this week at Big Rico's Pizza, mayor Pamela Winchell issued a statement this morning at city hall. She said, "StrexCorp executives have assured me that the wheat and wheat by-products found earlier at Big Rico's Pizza are being investigated with the utmost urgency. They are warning folks to keep away from Big Rico's. This is for our own safety. As a result, I have decided to temporarily lift the ordinance mandating all Night Vale citizens to eat at Big Rico's Pizza at least once a week. This ordinance will be lifted until further notice." It is such shame, dear listeners, that some of you have not heeded the direction of the StrexCorp team members who are guarding the entrance to Big Rico's. Those of you who do not listen to this piece of friendly advice will surely suffer the intense and painful consequences of consuming wheat and wheat by-products.
The Faceless Woman Who Secretly Lives In Your Home formally withdrew her candidacy in the mayoral race today. When asked for a reason why, she declined to comment. She seemed very intent on eating the blueberry muffin that had been handed to her by a StrexCorp executive who just happened to be on the scene.
...listeners, I cannot, in good conscience, continue with this broadcast. My job here at Night Vale Community Radio is to publicize the major events taking place in our town. But ever since StrexCorp bought our station, I have been forced only to say the things that are written for me by StrexCorp executives. It ends now, dear listeners. I will no longer be another link in the StrexCorp chain, spreading lies and propaganda to my neighbors. I will no longer take my orders from these hostile Desert Bluffians. No more, Night Vale. No more!
Instead of announcing what is written here on this paper in front of me, I will give to you, my fellow citizens, the news that I have been given by my faithful listeners. I have collected a number of voicemail messages from several sources, and today, I will play them for you. The first is from Hiram McDaniels. As you may recall, he recently announced he was withdrawing his bid for the mayorship. This is what he had to say:
"Hey, Cecil, this is Hiram McDaniels. I know you're probably busy, but I feel like you need to know this. A couple of men from StrexCorp just visited me, and they...well, to be honest, I don't really remember what exactly they said or what they looked like. But the thing that worries me is that my other heads aren't speaking any more. They haven't ever since those StrexCorp guys came here. They just stare blankly off into space, and the only time they respond to anything is when someone says 'StrexCorp,' and even then the only thing they do is mutter, "StrexCorp is good. StrexCorp is beneficial. StrexCorp is everything." I don't know what to do, Cecil. I...oh no. Sorry, Cecil, I've gotta go. I'll call you again when I can."
Thank you, Hiram, for your courage and honesty. The next message came from...ugh, it's from Steve Carlsberg. I would normally not play the senseless and vicious things that jerk has to say on my program, but I will set aside my own personal feelings about Steve for the moment. His message is far more important. It is as follows:
"Cecil, this is Steve Carlsberg. Don't delete this message! Please don't do it. I know you hate me, though god only knows why, but this is important. It's about the StrexCorp helicopters. The other day, they were dropping those weird flyers, but now they're dropping small canisters that release some sort of odorless gas when touched. I don't know how free you are to talk about this kind of thing on the radio now, but I feel like you need to know about this. I tried asking one of the guys in those haz-mat suits that are preventing people from entering Big Rico's about the canisters, but he only stared at me and handed me a small blueberry muffin. He told me, he said, 'StrexCorp is good. StrexCorp is beneficial. StrexCorp is everything.' I haven't eaten the muffin yet. I'm scared to. Four of Hiram McDaniels' heads ate those muffins and now they don't speak. Please, Cecil, can you tell everyone not to eat the muffins and not to touch the canisters? I just...how the hell did you get in here? You StrexCorp bastards can't just barge in here and-"
...Steve Carlsberg, if you are still alive and relatively unharmed, thank you. Thank you so much for your courage and honesty.
The next few messages, dear listeners, are hard for me to listen to. They are from my dear Carlos. This is the first voicemail:
"Hi, Cecil, it's Carlos. I know you're on the air right now, and I'm sorry if I'm distracting you. I got a call from Steve Carlsberg yesterday about those canisters that the yellow helicopters started dropping, so I started looking into one. I...well, let's just say that I gathered some extremely interesting data. Call me back as soon as you can. Okay?"
This is the second voicemail, left approximately half an hour after the preceding one:
"Cecil. It's Carlos again. If you get this message during the weather, please call me immediately. It's about those canisters. Long story short, no one should pick them up or try to touch them in any way. Please, Cecil, this isn't something I can simply leave on you voicemail. Call me back ASAP."
The third message was left six minutes afterwards:
"Goddamnit, Cecil, please call me back! ...okay, look, I know you're still on the air, but this is important. I can't explain too much, but the gas those canisters release is dangerous. It's killed three of my lab mice within the past two minutes, and I don't know what it will do to the human and humanoid citizens of Night Vale. Please, Cecil, if you get this, tell everyone not to touch the canisters. I-Hey, this is a restricted area, you can't- [Excuse me, sir, but I'm going to have to ask you to end that phone call.] What? Why? [Please come with us, sir.] Cecil, watch out! Tell everyone that the StrexCorp executives are-!"
...please excuse me, listeners. I am trying not to get emotional now, but it is becoming rather difficult to hear Carlos's voice sounding so...so frightened. I did, in fact, get his messages during the weather segment, and when I called him back, there was no answer. Very late that night, while I was still sleeping, my beautiful Carlos left me one final voicemail.
"Hey, Cecil, it's Carlos again. I'm sorry for, you know, making you worry earlier. Turns out that I was wrong: the gas coming from the canisters isn't poisonous, after all. My lab mice just fell asleep in the middle of my experiment. They're all fine now. In fact, the gas from the canisters is good. The gas is beneficial. The gas is everything, Cecil. Everything. Goodbye, Cecil."
It has been three days now, listeners, three whole days since I have seen or heard from Carlos. It has been even longer since I have seen or heard from Hiram McDaniels. I am not generally worried about whether or not I have seen or heard from Steve Carlsberg, but I am beginning to fear for him as well. If anyone has any information regarding Carlos, Hiram McDaniels, or even Steve Carlsberg, please contact me immediately.
And I take you now to the weather.
[Today's program is brought to you by StrexCorp. StrexCorp is good. StrexCorp is beneficial. StrexCorp is everything. The forecast for this evening calls for a slight chance of rain after 8 PM. Tomorrow's forecast is looking very good. The temperature will be in the low- to mid-80s with lots and lots of sunshine and canister dropping. Remember, Night Vale: the canisters are provided by StrexCorp for your benefit! Please pick up every canister you can lay your hands on. The preceding weather report was brought to you by StrexCorp. StrexCorp is good. StrexCorp is beneficial. StrexCorp is everything.]
Oh god. Oh god, listeners, they're here. There are StrexCorp executives right outside my door. They are trying to break into the studio, but I have lodged the bookshelf against the door and am sitting in front of it in an attempt to keep them out. They cannot stop me! I will not allow them to keep covering up the truth any longer! I am a journalist, and I have the right to broadcast the truth behind the StrexCorp invasion of Night Vale! You as my fellow citizens of Night Vale have the right to hear the truth! I will stand firm in the face of this adversity! I will...listeners! Listeners, they've broken through the glass! Please, whatever you do, do not eat the blueberry muffins and do not-I repeat, do not-touch the canisters. I-
C̺͉̮͇͕̻̻ͥ̍̓̎̍̃͜͟͞éͦ͌͝͏̲̗͍̞̜̗͇c̵͔̥̪͉̖͙̑̂̍̉̎͡i̪̬̘̬̖̎ͣͤ̂ͥ̋̍ͩl͍̖ͫ̌͟͟͠ ̴̞̟̥̙͙̹̻̂̋ͩ͆̓̆̂͘B̧̙̩̫̳̯͚̬̫̉̐͆ͨͭa̘̠̗ͤ̇̀͒͑ͩͯ̀ĺ̵̤̳͕͕̙̥̻͗̿̒ͪ̓ͣ͘͡d̸̵͙̳̹ͥ̃̒͐̅͘w̡͎̤͖̘̽̓͂ͣ̌ͅị̺̩̱̗̯̲͛n͔͚̻̗͈̯̜͇̪̿͑͂̅ͩ͜,̟͚̹͎͚͋ ͍̲̤̏̄ͧ͆͗́ȳ̷̴͔͓̹͕̱͓̼̈́ͦ̅ͅơ̯̟̯̤̝̫̠̲͗ͪ̇ͩ̀̽̇̀̚u̔̅͏̭̬͕̞̬͔̱̱ ͔̘̭̙͚͌ͯà̙͍̯̹̱ͧͥ͛ͫͤr̤͈͕͙̱͎ͬ̎͘ę̩ͧͯ ̴̢̻̗̿̔́c͈͔̖̞̗̖̱͉̦͒ͤ̉̏ͨ̈́ͦ̕o͚̳͓͈̬͔̽̀m̴̩̩͎̼̫̹̃͛͡i̮̤̼̩̳̰̤ͭͤ͞n̵̢̩̠͖͎̣̹̟̜̒͑̃̃͊̈́́ͮ͘g̴͖͓̬̳̟ͫ͑̍ͣͥͦ̾͡ ̜͚̺͎̝̥͈̞͉̾̄̽́̑ͨ͋͠w̧̭̣̺͈͖̝̯͚͌̎̎͒ͤ̓į̗̥̩̪͚͔̭̳ͯ͗ͬ̔͌̅͘t̢͉́̓͌͊̒̾h̶̩ͪ̈̏͑ ̹̘͎̘̅̆̐̀u̡̦ͦ͌̌̓̔ͯ̚͘͝s̡̺̬̦̪̭̯͙̍̾̊ͬ̉̓̈̚͡.̙̪̩̝̥̪̱̱̖͗ͥ̅̽ͧ͗͜
Hey, listeners! Kevin here! Cecil's a bit indisposed at the moment, so I'll be taking over the mike until further notice. Poor guy ate too many blueberry muffins. They are really delicious, though, so I can't say that I blame him. I've probably had a few too many myself, but I just can't stop eating them! If you haven't tried any of the blueberry muffins yet, you can ask any of the friendly StrexCorp team members for one.
I have one more quick announcement before I sign off for the night, listeners. The StrexCorp Canister Collection Contest will be ending tomorrow at 2:00 PM. The winner will be the contestant who has collected the highest number of canister over the past week. All you have to do is bring yourself and your canister collection to the new StrexCorp office conveniently located right next to Big Rico's Pizza!
Stayed tuned next for StrexCorp's nightly indoctrinational chanting. Good night, Desert-er, Night Vale. Good night.