Title: Smile Though Your Heart is Aching
Beta: purplehairedwonder (who is amazing and helped a lot this weekend)
Characters/Couples: One sided Seblaine; Klaine
Rating/Warnings: PG; Spoilers for 5x01; Written from Sebastian's POV
A/N: I have never written any type of Seblaine, but something happened that left me sympathizing a little too much with Sebastian. This ended up being really cathartic and helped me work through that. Title from Charlie Chaplin's song Smile.
Summary: Sebastian would do this. He would dance his ass off, put on a forced smile, and get through it for Blaine. He would sit back and watch the guy of his dreams propose to someone else.
It felt nice, having Blaine's arms wrapped around him. It wasn't the first time they'd hugged. There had been congratulatory embraces after competitions and hugs goodbye after coffee in the past. But this was different. Blaine practically shook with happiness and he bounced a little on the balls of his feet. For a moment, Sebastian could convince himself it was because of him. But of course it wasn't. It was only because he had agreed to help Blaine propose to the love of his life—who wasn't him. It would never be him.
Blaine pulled away after a moment but continued to buzz with excitement. His smile spread wide across his face, and Sebastian tried to give one in return. Blaine wasn't the only one who could put on the charm and fake smiles when he was upset. No, Sebastian could do it too. And he would. Because he couldn't hurt Blaine. Not again. Even if it meant hurting himself for a little while.
"Thank you so much! This means a lot to me and I think it will to Kurt too." Blaine finally said to the group. His excitement about everything had been contagious; the whole room was shouting and clapping. It made it easy for Sebastian to get lost in the crowd while Blaine spoke. It gave him a reprieve. He let his face fall for a moment but never took his eyes off Blaine.
"I know this is all crazy and rushed," Blaine continued, "but I can't thank you all enough for helping. I have some ideas and I'd like to be able to work it all out with everyone over the next few days. Maybe I could meet with each group and then we could rehearse it all together Friday night? I have to do everything before Kurt goes back to New York Saturday night."
Everyone seemed to agree and set about coming up with a plan. The show choirs started to file out until it was just Blaine, Sam, and the Warblers. Sebastian couldn't help but notice how Sam looked reluctant to leave his friend with them. He felt a pang of guilt knowing he was part of the reason for that.
"Sam, I'm going to stick around for a bit. See if I can't get some planning ironed out."
"Don't worry fish lips. Not going to pull out another slushie. Promise." Sebastian held up his hands and fixed him with a look. It only served to further annoy and worry Sam if the way his nostrils flared was any indication.
"I'll see you at school tomorrow, Sam," Blaine sighed, patting Sam on the shoulder and shaking his head at Sebastian.
Sam looked back and forth between Sebastian and Blaine, causing Sebastian to nearly squirm under the scrutiny. He tried to smirk at the other boy, but he knew it fell flat.
"Alright, man," Sam conceded. "Call if you need anything." Sam narrowed his eyes towards Sebastian one last time then followed the rest of the New Directions out to the parking lot.
Blaine nodded at Sam before approaching Sebastian and Trent, throwing an arm over Trent's shoulders. "I owe you guys."
"Anything for you," Trent replied softly with a smile. Sebastian just nodded, not trusting himself to say anything just yet. There were a lot of things he'd love to say, but he didn't want to screw this up.
"Well, I still appreciate it. Could you two go for some coffee now? Maybe talk about what I have in mind for you guys?"
"I'm sorry but I can't," Trent answered. "I promised my mom I'd take my sister to her piano lesson today. I actually have to head out to pick her up. Sorry, Blaine."
"Don't worry about it." Blaine squeezed his shoulder. "How about you Sebastian? Want to head over to the Lima Bean and talk about the proposal?"
No. Hell no! That's the last thing I want to do.
"Come on, Bas. My treat?"
He couldn't go. He couldn't sit there and plaster a smile on his face and listen to Blaine ramble on and on about him. He had to think! There had to be a good reason to not go. He wracked his brain, trying to come up with a good excuse. A test he needed to study for? An extra practice somewhere? But then Blaine gave him that look. The one that meant he really wanted something. The one that Sebastian had long ago realized he would never be able to say no to.
"Um," Sebastian bit his lip, "sure. I don't have any plans so why not?" Because you don't want to talk about Hummel and how he wants to marry the guy.
"Great!" Blaine patted Sebastian on the shoulder. Sebastian bit his lip at the touch and pushed his thoughts down for the time being. He could do this. He would do this for Blaine one way or another.
The two made their way to Blaine's car and then over to the coffee shop. They made small talk and Sebastian soaked up the small reprieve it gave. He knew once they sat down with their coffees the conversation would switch towards Kurt and the impending proposal plans, neither of which Sebastian was looking forward to discussing. But he would do it anyway.
They stepped up to the register. Sebastian ordered his usual soy latte; Blaine asked for the same.
Sebastian scoffed. "No medium drip? Wow, you ok? Should I call someone?" Sebastian reached up, as if to check for a fever. Blaine batted his hand away, and Sebastian relished in how good it felt to just be back around Blaine like this.
"Shut up," Blaine laughed. "I broke down and tried it after seeing you down them all the time. And it was addictive."
Sebastian didn't know what to say so simply nodded. The shop was dead and it didn't take long for the barista to call their names at the bar. Sebastian almost wished it was busier to delay the inevitable.
They sat down at the corner table. Sebastian leaned back against the wall and took Blaine in for a moment. He looked different from the last time they'd spoken. He wasn't as pale and withdrawn as he was a few months ago. He sat up in his seat rather than slumping down. He was happy, and it definitely suited him. That was obvious. Sebastian had a hard time taking his eyes off him. He'd filled back out, gaining back the weight he'd lost following the breakup. It was enough that the muscles in his arms strained against the tight polo.
Sebastian swallowed down a big gulp of his latte, relishing in the burn as it gave him something else to focus on momentarily. It was a small reprieve though. Soon Blaine leaned forward and began to speak.
"So this past week has been Beatles week for glee. And it got me thinking back to when I first got together with Kurt. He sang 'Blackbird' to The Warblers and it just was perfect." Sebastian had to glance away from the almost dreamy look on Blaine's face. "I'd like to sing something like that for him."
"You want to sing 'Blackbird' to him? You do realize McCartney wrote that as a civil rights statement and not for romantic reasons right?"
"No, and yes."
"So you are doing that song?"
"No, I meant I that yes, I knew the original meaning behind the song. But it can still be importantly to Kurt and I nonetheless. It's also about struggling and finding yourself and overcoming obstacles."
"So you are singing that?" Sebastian asked again with a raised eyebrow.
"I was actually thinking more along the lines of 'All you Need is Love' for the proposal."
Sebastian nodded as he took another sip from his coffee.
"I thought it would be great to have each show choir in a different part of Dalton—that is if I can get the space on Saturday."
"The dean loves you. It won't be hard."
"I still have to talk to him."
"Even if he says no all the guys will figure something out. Don't panic about that."
"Well, if I can do that, I'm hoping to have each group have their own choreography and help me sing the song to Kurt as he goes from room to room."
Sebastian raised his eyebrows. "Sounds like a lot for Hummel."
"Kurt's worth it," Blaine said wistfully. "It's just, we've been through a lot this year and I want to make it special. I want to prove that I can do something special for him. He deserves that and I want to do that for him. I want to always be able to do that for him. And if I can get this perfect, maybe I will be able to. To show him I can be perfect for him."
Sebastian stared at Blaine with wide eyes. Didn't he know that he didn't need to do anything big to show that he was perfect? Blaine was perfect all on his own; if Kurt couldn't see that, he was more of an idiot than Sebastian had initially thought. And Sebastian had thought that many of times.
"I'm rambling," Blaine said after a few seconds of silence. "I do that when it comes to Kurt."
"Oh I remember." Sebastian rolled his eyes. "I think we've sat here many times with you mooning over Hummel."
"But I understand." Sebastian was surprised to realize it wasn't a lie. He could understand. He'd probably be the same with Blaine given the opportunity. And god that was so unlike him.
"So how about you?"
"What?" Sebastian asked in confusion.
"You said you were turning over a new leaf. Has that spilled over into your dating life any?"
"Oh, uh, not really," Sebastian replied anxiously. "I mean, I'm not going to Scandals every other night anymore." He forced his best smirk onto his face. "But I still get around. I'm just not the type to settle down." He knew that was a lie. He would've settled down with Blaine in a heartbeat give the chance. He'd realized that somewhere along the way, that he didn't just want Blaine in bed. He just wanted Blaine. But that chance appeared to have passed.
Sebastian "Unlike you who is apparently ready for the old ball and chain before you even get your cap and gown."
Blaine blushed and looked down at his coffee cup. When he looked back up, he was smiling a little and shrugged. "Why wait when you've found the person you want to spend forever with?"
Sebastian's mouth ran dry. He had waited. He had waited too long and now his chance was gone. Hell, maybe it was never there to begin with. Sebastian had screwed up, royally. He'd fallen back on old habits. He had thought snide remarks and lingering looks would win Blaine over and break up his relationship. Instead, he'd messed it all up. He'd put Blaine in the hospital and only succeeded in making him and Kurt closer. He'd hurt Blaine. He hadn't thought things through and Blaine got caught in the crossfire.
When Sebastian had first heard about the break up and the reason behind it, he thought he had a chance. Hunter had suggested getting Blaine back to Dalton, and Sebastian jumped on board with the idea in a heartbeat. He'd thought if only he could talk to Blaine, truly talk like they'd done before Sebastian had picked up that damn slushie, then they he could have that chance.
But things didn't work out that way. Blaine had hurt Kurt, and Sebastian knew how it felt to hurt the person you cared for. It changed you. Blaine wasn't the same guy who had allowed Sebastian to pull him in for "Uptown Girl." Sure, he still looked like sex on a stick while he danced around the common rooms, but he seemed like he was a million miles away. Sebastian recognized that look all too well.
Maybe he could've had a chance if he'd acted differently, maybe not. But either way, it seemed like it was too late now.
"Yeah. I guess you have a point," he finally replied, albeit reluctantly. "So what do you want me to do?"
Blaine's face lit up and he launched back into what he wanted for the proposal. The two sat at the shop for a few hours, going over ideas for Sebastian to share with the Warblers in practice and catching up. Sebastian couldn't get over how easy it was to talk to Blaine again, when they weren't discussing Hummel anyway. It was nice, but it was also a reminder of what wouldn't be.
When Blaine dropped him back off at Dalton, Sebastian climbed the stairs to his dorm and flopped down on the bed, burying his face in the pillows. He couldn't get the images of Blaine and Kurt and the idea of the proposal out of his mind. Blaine was going all out, but maybe Kurt would say no. It was possible. Weren't they supposed to be broken up?
Sebastian sighed and pulled out his cell phone, clicking on the normally neglected Facebook app. He scrolled through his timeline until he finally saw it.
Blaine Anderson has added a new life event. In a relationship with Kurt Hummel.
Sebastian threw his phone onto his nightstand. He didn't want to see all the likes and congratulatory comments. He figured he would hear enough of those come Saturday. Because he would be there, helping Blaine through it all. It didn't matter if he hated Kurt for it, Blaine asked for his help and he wanted to do it for him. He wanted Blaine to be happy.
Which was why come Saturday, he was dressed in a freshly pressed blazer, dancing his butt off with the best showman smile he could muster, and singing backup while Blaine got down on one knee and Kurt said yes. Even though he felt like someone had pulled his heart out of his chest through it all. He clapped and smiled along with the crowd while they kissed on the stairs. He had to. Because he loved Blaine and didn't know what else to do.
While everyone else was celebrating that night, Sebastian snuck out. He started walking, not really paying much attention until he ended up in front of Scandals. With a sigh, he dug out his fake ID and flashed it at the door. The guy did a double take at the Dalton blazer, but let him in anyway. Sebastian let himself slump into the first available bar stool and hung his head.
He felt a hand on his shoulder a few moments later before a slurred voice whispered in his ear. "Hey handsome, haven't seen you in awhile."
Sebastian bit his lip, remembering how he been so good about not falling back into old habits. But that was before Blaine had gotten engaged to Kurt.
"Yeah, well," he shrugged, "you know how it is. Been busy. Why don't you buy me a drink to make up for time though?"
The other man smiled broadly and ordered a round of drinks for them. Sebastian ignored the guy and downed his a little too fast. He just wanted to forget.