BEFORE YOU START READING: THIS STORY HAS BEEN DISCONTINUED. YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED.
Warning for crack! ...well, sort of. I'm changing some things, and not changing others. The most ridiculous things will likely be the weapons. And the Frost Giants. (They're party animals.)
But I'm trying not to ruin any of the characters-just... exacerbate some of their characteristics a bit. They're going to act a bit more immature.
(Also, Loki will randomly and unknowingly reference lyrics from Linkin Park songs. Just 'cause.)
"Thor, my heir, my first born. So long entrusted with the spatula Mjolnir..." Odin said regally, "It is a fit weapon for a King."
Meanwhile, in the weapons vault...
"You get the casket."
"No, you get it!"
"No, you get it!"
"I'm not getting it!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not!"
"Yes you are!"
"No I'm not! You get it!"
"Are you kidding me? I'm not getting my fingers frozen off!"
"Well neither am I!"
"Whose idea was this anyway?" One of the frost giants said, peeking around the corner at the Casket of Ancient Winters.
Just then a couple guards came striding down the hallway.
"You!" The other frost giant said, pointing to one of the guards. "Go get the casket for us!"
"FROST GIANTS!" The guard screamed, running away. The other guard just looked after his fellow, before turning back to the frost giants with his eyebrows raised.
"Okay, I guess he's not getting it. You grab it for us!" The frost giant said to the guard.
"You know I can't do that, it would freeze my hands off!" The guard pointed out.
The other frost giant sighed. "Exactly. You see, we kind of forgot how cold the casket is..."
"But you're frost giants," The guard said, confused.
"Laufey's beard, the Aesir has eyes!" The frost giant crowed. "How observant of you, puny immortal."
"ODIN'S BEARD THERE'S FROST GIANTS IN THE WEAPON'S VAULT!" The guard screamed, widening his eyes and rushing after his partner.
"What is wrong with them?" The frost giant asked his friend, who just shrugged.
"I, Odin Allfather, declare you—"
"FROST GIANTS!" A guard screamed, running into the chamber.
"WHERE? WHERE ARE THE BEASTS?" Thor said, raising his spatula threateningly. "I WILL VANQUISH THEM WITH MY MIGHTY SPATULA!"
"The weapons' vault! Frost giants in the weapon's vault!" The guard said, panicking.
Odin tapped his over-sized fruit skewer on the ground.
Just then the other guard rushed into the room. "FROST GIANTS IN THE WEAPONS' VAULT!"
"What took you so long?" The first guard asked.
"They just appeared out of nowhere! I was talking to these two frost giants, and then suddenly I realized I was talking to these two frost giants!" The guard exclaimed, waving his arms about wildly.
The fence in front of the Destroyer disappeared, and the magical robot stepped out.
"Oh, hey you!" One of the frost giants said, pointing to the Destroyer. "Mind getting the casket for us?"
The destroyer opened its helmet like a pair of mandibles, about to blast them to pieces.
He stepped forward, and as his hand brushed the casket, ice crept up his arm and in a matter of seconds the Destroyer was frozen in place.
"See, I was afraid that would happen," The frost giant said thoughtfully.
"You were indeed correct," The other frost giant said, pleased. "And now that we've gotten the Destroyer taken care of, we can retrieve the casket!"
"Woot! Now it's party time!" Frost giant one hooted, running over and grabbing the casket without a problem, before they both turned to leave.
"HALT!" The Allfather ordered, as he strode into the weapon's vault.
The frost giants looked behind them as if to see who he was talking to, before turning back to him, confused.
"You're not our King. You can't tell us what to do!" Frost giant two pointed out, before they both disappeared in a swirl of eight-sided snowflakes.
"HOW COULD YOU LET THEM ESCAPE?!" Thor roared furiously, as he tried to push past Odin. "THEY JUST TOOK THE CASKET BACK TO JOTUNHEIM!"
"YGGDRASIL!" Loki yelled.
Thor and Odin both turned to look at him.
"What?" Loki asked, his face angelically innocent. "Am I not allowed to join in yelling fun Asgardian words?"
"SVARTALFHEIM!" Thor bellowed, raising his spatula threateningly.
"HVERGELMIR!" Loki called, high-fiving Thor as Odin glared at the both of them.
"You are both irresponsible!" The King said severely.
"GROLF!" The Princes yelled, causing Odin to start banging his head against the wall. "Asgard," thump, "Is," thump, "Doomed." THUMP.
Odin conveniently knocked himself out.
Thor and Loki looked down at their father. "Asgard is doomed," Loki nodded, "Since the King seems unwilling to take actions to take back the dangerous weapon the frost giants have now returned to their icy clutches."
"EXACTLY!" Thor yelled, as he turned and stormed out.
"Wait, where are you going?" Loki asked, running after his brother.
"I have a sudden urge to upturn a table and dump the food on the ground," Thor answered, his footsteps loud and angry.
Loki followed Thor all the way up to the top of the castle where the feast was, where Thor promptly went over to the table and threw it over mightily.
"THIS WAS TO BE MY DAY OF TRIUMPH!" Thor roared, as he sat down on the steps. "Alright, I feel better. Now you continue with what you were saying."
Loki came out from where he'd hidden behind the pillar, since food had flown across the entire room, and he hadn't wanted to get his nice tunic dirty.
"It will come," Loki said reassuringly, as he sat down beside his brother and began braiding the older Prince's long blond hair. "But you can't do anything about the frost giants and the casket without disobeying father, even though he can't really do anything seeing as he's knocked himself out and is lying on the floor of the weapon's vault and can't do anything to stop us should we for some reason decide to do anything insane, like go to Jotuheim."
Thor was about to stand up, but Loki pulled him back down.
"Wait! I need to finish doing your hair!" Loki said, widening his green eyes.
"Ugh, you know I can't help it when you make that face!" Thor sighed, sitting back down.
"Yep, I know!" Loki said happily, finishing the braid and pulling a pink ribbon out of nowhere he tied a bow around the end of the braid to keep it in place.
"Come brother," Thor said, standing up and grabbing Loki's hands, he pulled his younger brother to his feet, making him fly nearly all the way across the room.
"Thor!" Loki said, as he nearly crashed into the opposite wall. "Do you always have to pull me to my feet so hard?"
"I'm not sorry," Thor chuckled. "Now come, we are going to Jotunheim!"
"It's madness!" Loki said gleefully.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO THE FOOD?!" Volstagg cried, as he entered the room, Hogun, Fandral, and Sif just behind him.
"What's madness?" Sif demanded.
"Thor's plan. It's going to be so fun," Loki grinned. "Thor's plans are always so fun!"
"Wait, what in Asgard is going on?" Fandral asked, patting a sobbing Volstagg on the back.
"All this wasted food..." Volstagg whispered sadly.
"My friends," Thor said, coming over to them. "We are going to Jotunheim!"
"We're what?!" Fandral asked, stunned.
"GOING TO JOTUNHEIM!" Thor repeated, yelling it this time.
"Ouch!" Fandral said, covering his ears. "No need to yell, Thor."
"Well then, why were you asking me what we were doing when I'd just told you?" Thor said, shrugging his broad shoulders.
Sif crossed her arms and glared at him.
"Fine, don't come," Thor said, turning around. "My brother and I shall take all the glory!" He walked over to his brother and grabbed his arm, dragging him along behind him.
Loki waved at Sif and the Warriors Three, his grin mocking. "Ta ta!"
"Oh no they don't," Sif muttered, running after them. "I want some glory too!"
"And me!" Fandral called, following her. "Leave some glory for me!"
"This poor, wasted food..." Volstagg sighed, picking a loaf of bread off the ground. Hogun pushed him out the door and after their friends.
The six of them strode to the stables, Loki walking sassily, his coat fluttering behind him.
"You're such a diva," Sif rolled her eyes at him, and he smirked at her.
"I NEED A HORSE!" Thor yelled. Immediately servants rushed to saddle him his favorite steed, leading the shining white horse out to him.
Loki went into the barn and took out his own steed, vaulting gracefully into the saddle.
Thor glanced around from where he was now sitting on his horse's back, noticing that everybody except for Loki was still standing around.
"MY FRIENDS NEED HORSES AS WELL!" Thor commanded. The servants quickly brought out four more horses, and Sif and the Warriors Three mounted their steeds.
"Race you!" Loki galled gaily, spurring his horse to a gallop and taking off towards the bifrost.
"FOR ASGARD!" Thor shouted, racing after him.
"For Asgard!" Volstagg repeated, brandishing the bread loaf in the air as his horse ran.
"For Asgard!" Sif called, as she passed the Warriors Three and took up third place.
"For Asgard!" Fandral said, slightly distracted as he kept trying to fix his hair as the wind blew it out of place.
"For Asgard!" Hogun said gruffly.
"For fun!" Loki whooped, as he left everyone else behind. "And myself!"
"WHAT?!" Thor yelled, aghast. "NO! LOKI, YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO WIN! I AM THE MIGHTY THOR, I ALWAYS WIN!"
"Y'all ought to stop talking; start trying to catch up, motherfucker!" Loki sang tauntingly.
"NOOOOOOOOOO! CHEATER!" Thor cried.
Loki rolled his vibrant green eyes, his dark hair whipping about his face like a freaking halo. "Right, so the only way I ever win is because I cheat?" he asked.
But by that time Thor and the others were too far behind to hear him.
Reaching the end of the bifrost, he dismounted fluidly, stroking his horse on the nose, before turning to look at the gatekeeper.
Heimdall narrowed his orangey-gold eyes at the trickster.
"You know, I think I'll let Thor do the talking," Loki said, raising his finely-carved eyebrows. "You never listen to me."
Loki patted his horse on the flanks, and Heimdall assumed that they had somehow communicated telepathically, because Loki's steed then took of running back towards the castle.
Loki turned and stood next to Heimdall, turning to look the same way as the gatekeeper at Thor and the others.
They were still leagues away.
Crossing his arms, Loki seemingly leaned back against a wall, except that there didn't appear to be anything there. "Slowpokes," Loki muttered, tapping his booted foot impatiently.
"How did you get here so far ahead of them?" Heimdall asked after a few awkward moments of silence between the two of them.
"Well, for one, my horse is faster; two, we practice more; and three, I am wearing light leather armor, while Thor, Sif, and the Warriors Three are decked out in heavy metal armor." Loki pointed out. "I'd think, being the all-seeing gatekeeper, you would have been able to deduce that."
Heimdall glared at him, but remained silent.
Loki turned his head to look at the gatekeeper. "Did you know that your helmet makes you look like a cow?"
Heimdall stubbornly refused to answer.
"I don't know why Thor said that my helmet looked like cow horns," Loki continued, "If anything, it's more like the horns of a goat. Definitely not a cow though."
"You know, maybe if Thor wore his winged helmet he'd move faster," Loki said thoughtfully.
They still waited.
"Maybe I should take a nap," Loki said, bored. "You'll wake me when they get here, right?"