Matsuoka-Senpai…

For the last months, I've seen you try so hard. "What for, exactly?" I wonder, as I take your time and you insist on one more round, on going faster, on being number one. "If I could only help" I say to myself as I see the frustration taking over You.

Senpai… Don't frown that much, it's not good. If I could only find a way to put a smile on your face, or make you laugh for a few seconds, that would be so much better. Matsuoka-Senpai, please don't try so hard, take a moment and sit back, 'cause to me, You're losing so much more beyond the walls inside the academy, beyond the walls in your mind. I understand You must work really hard to achieve your goal, but don't over do it, Senpai. "This is not of your business", "Stay out of it"… I know that's what You'd say if I ever told you this, but You see, I can't. For some reason, it feels like it's indeed my business. For some reason, I can't get myself out of it, I can't just back off and walk away from it, from You. No, that wouldn't be right.

Senpai, I know you're strong and I admire you for that. If only I could tell you how much I do, If only I could compliment you more, encourage you more, do more. But where I'm going is that, I don't doubt your skills, I don't doubt You, but I also don't doubt what my eyes see. I notice you tired, exhausted. I notice your faith shaking, your strength decrease and more than anything, I can tell your mind is always off elsewhere.

What should I do? Matsuoka-Senpai, what should I do?

I feel so useless and small, specially when I'm next to you, and It's not your fault. Before I met you, when I found out that my roommate would be someone who had studied in Australia, when I first heard about You and I heard your name, I thought "Whoa, it sounds so intense", and indeed You are. From that very moment, I told myself I wanted to be a good roommate, a good friend, a good teammate and that I wouldn't be dead weight for anyone, specially You, senpai. But to be honest, You blew my mind, you're beyond my expectations. People around you say You're hard to deal with, You have a bad temper, an attitude problem, but to me that's not all there is. I see determination, I see self-improvement, I see a huge willing of fight and a desire of greatness. How I wish I could be more like You, but that's not the way it is. Even though I'm always trying to put myself in your shoes to understand you, I never get it right.

Compliments, I give them to You. Support, I do my best to show it to You. Attention, it's all of mine to You. Company, friendship, patience, understanding, and more, I'm always trying my best not to miss a thing and give it all to You. Yet, for some reason it doesn't seem enough. I've come to think my presence annoys You, bothers You, and when you clearly show it, I step back and let you go. And then, I don't know. I don't know what hurts the most, being pushed away by the person I adore, or seeing the person I adore walk away alone. It worries Me.

Senpai, why do You insist on being all alone? Why do you insist on carrying all the weight on your shoulders? Don't you see? That I'm willing to help you no matter what?

Right now, it's late night. I told you I was going to do my homework, but that was only an excuse to wait up for You while you're taking your every night run. Even though this day is over, and I feel like I've failed once again, I know for sure that tomorrow, while we're at practice and when You dig yourself into the pool, while you sink inside yourself and all your thoughts, even though you may not hear me, nor see it, I will definitely say it out loud, that Senpai…You're really the best, You're my number One.