BtVS by Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy.


A recent graduate from Sunnydale High had begun work as an intern at the mortuary.

He really wanted to sever the heads of all the suspicious corpses that passed through his care but, alas, some things were too obvious at an open casket funeral.

He made do with the tools he had.

##

The vampire woke up, six feet under, to the smell of rotting flesh.

He frowned. That wasn't right.

He tried to raise his hands, bash through the wood of the coffin, dig up through the dirt, to the night sky beyond...

Only, his arms hung limply at his sides.

He wiggled a bit, then slowly, but surely, began to panic.

His arms had been severed at his shoulders. Cut clean through.

They had not been animated like the rest of him.

It was only his long sleeved shirt that kept them pinned to his body.

He screamed and, raising his body up as far as he could, began to bash his head into the coffin's lid.

##

He screamed for a long time.

##

In the deserted graveyard, Buffy turned to Giles and asked: "Is it just me, or have the cemeteries gotten quiet, lately?"

"Well," answered Giles, polishing his glasses. "Maybe a natural predator of theirs has come to town, or the local humans have simply raised their defenses."

Buffy muttered 'huh' and went back to patrolling.


Manny the vampire grabbed a shovel and began to dig. He'd always been tickled pink whenever he unleashed a new vampire on an unsuspecting world. Sure, he knew that most vampires didn't turn their food, but he liked bumping into his 'children' every now and then on the street, except for the one that had tried to stake him...

Manny hadn't seen any of his random victims rising recently so he decided to stalk a particular person, find out where his family was likely to bury him and wait for him to rise, thereby removing the nagging doubt that his blood had somehow gone impotent.

The first part of the operation had been a success, but his week-long stake-out of the fresh grave produced no results, so he'd been reduced to manual labor. He had considered stealing a grave-digging machine and draining everybody who noticed, but he'd dismissed that as too noisy an operation, especially with a Slayer on patrol.

The ground proved no match for his enhanced strength (although he did have to find a second shovel) and soon enough the coffin was unearthed.

Popping up the lid, his nose immediately wrinkled at the odd stench, which he traced to the ripened color of his victim's arms, although the rest of the body seemed unnaturally preserved.

Manny leaned over the still form trying to find out what had gone wrong, when it sat up suddenly, sharp teeth questing for his neck. Unable to dodge, he had time for a sharp startled cry before his throat was torn out and the insanely hungry jaws came in for a second bite.

Manny felt his unlife draining into the mouth latched on to what was left of his neck. Paralyzed, he felt something pass through his body and the ravaged form beneath him burst into a cloud of dust.

Manny laid there for a second at the base of the coffin, wondering if his blood actually had any nutrition in it, until a second crossbow bolt entered his chest and he left the world for good.

##

"Giles," Buffy said, turning to her Watcher with a pout on her face. "The vampires were having an orgy and they didn't invite me."

"Oh," he answered, adjusting his glasses. "I'm sure it was just lost in the mail."