A/N. At any point the story is written in the first person it will always be from Emily's point of view unless I state otherwise. I have to change how I write part of these chapters so thank you for understanding this. Thank you to those who have reviewed/ followed and marked this as favourite all feedback is greatly received :o).
The ride down to the parking lot was one that was made in silence, I was scared to talk, and I just did not know what to say. I had hidden so much of my life from her, hurt her so badly. I am worried about what is going to come from this 'talk'.
We made our way towards our cars, which were parked near each other, I wondered if she had planned it that way since I had arrived before her. It took me a few moments to respond as her hand slipped into mine. "Emily, stop worrying" JJ said softly to me. I gave her a shy smile I did not know what I was meant to do.
Talking and feelings did not come naturally to me, so much time spent on my own, too much time hiding and closing myself off from so many people. I squeezed her hand back gently, she gave me a smile though I could tell there was something hidden behind her eyes, and at this point it was unclear which emotion was swirling behind those blue orbs.
I look at her as I stop by my car "Where shall I meet you?" JJ raised her eyebrow at me, her voice soft as anything as she spoke, "I am coming in your car" her voice was like silk to my ears, if silk could be heard, the softness which trailed from her mouth caused a shiver down my spine, I could only nod as I opened the door for her to get in.
I took a moment to gather myself before I opened the door and getting in, I looked across the centre console at her, she smiled softly at me, but that did not help to settle my nerves any. Was I about to get my heart ripped in two, I had spent my life ripping my own heart out, hiding from those I cared about and them whom cared about me. I never stopped to fully listen how the expression was meant I just heard the words.
My heart had been closed for so long, the walls built high against my feelings, just waiting for another person to tell me that I wasn't good enough, that I wasn't enough for them or that I was too closed off and that I could understand, I am closed off but I had to be with the job I did. With what I had done to my family, the pain and hurt I had caused anyone who tried to get close. Maybe I was that way, to stop myself getting hurt, I do not know, I have this habit of pushing people away. I pushed JJ away from me into another's arms, but now things were changing.
"Where are we going?" I asked as I drove out of the parking lot, I could not even look at her as I spoke, I did not want to look into her beautiful blue eyes. "To my house, no one is there so we will be able to talk without any distractions" I nodded, my mind starting to spin and race ahead of me, this was not going to be a good chat. There again I should know that since I have hurt her so much, but I had also hurt myself.
I am broken and right now, I am unsure if anyone can put me back, together and this talk may break me even more. I wish that I was good at expressing my feelings allowing my walls to falter even if just slightly, but that could cost me greatly.
The drive to her house seemed to take forever, though I know it was not that long, I pulled up alongside her driveway switching off the engine. I heard the click of her taking off the seatbelt though I was still unable to look at her. This was the moment I was going to lose her, lose everything I wanted. Yes, I now had my family back and I could start afresh there but in truth, I wanted to start afresh with the woman who was now getting out of the car at my side.
I took a moment before I started to move I could see her waiting for me, I followed her up the driveway and on to the porch, not once looking up, and the floor was the only thing my eyes fixated on. If I did not look at her I could not crumble, I could not fall any further than I already had.
I waited as she opened the door allowing my inside, I felt like a stranger in a house I had known so well at one point. I could not help but to take a deep breath as the door closed behind me and she made her way in front to lead the way. I felt like I was walking into a fire and I had no control over anything.
JJ motioned me to take a seat and I did, I took a seat on the chair my eyes seemed to focus on the door. I was like a horse waiting in the stalls for the gun to be fired so it was able to run.
"Emily" her voice was so soft when she spoke yet I still was unable to look at her, unwilling to look into blue hurt eyes, "I am sorry" I let out in a whisper, I am lost now how am I meant to do this, how am I meant to sit here and talk to her? I do not know what she wants to ask me, but I have a fair idea and each one that filters in my mind makes shiver. If only I was good with emotions and feelings, if only I was taught that expressing, any form of emotion was not a sign of weakness.
The silence fell around us like a blanket that was suffocating me, and I did not want it to stop, my mind was closing off, my heart was building firmer walls so that what she says will not hurt that much, so I can keep everything hidden and break when I am alone. I had not even noticed she had moved so lost in my own mind deep in my own thoughts. I jumped slightly as her hand touched my knee.
"Look at me Emily" again her voice was soft and I wondered if this was the calm before the storm, before everything collapsed around me. She allowed me a moment as I locked everything away inside me again. My eyes fell onto hers as I looked deeply into her blue orbs, I could drown in those eyes and not one part of me would care. Our eyes seemed to lock like they had so many times before, but now it was foreign ground it was different. It was everything that had transpired in the past seven months. Things I had hidden from her for some seven years now.
Our eyes seemed to speak as though words were not needed, as though just by looking at each other, we knew what was going to be said, but I must have been looking at something that was not there as she spoke. "I am not mad Emily" I couldn't help the puzzled look on my face, how can she not be mad? I had kept so much hidden from her, "But I am hurt" I could only nod; I could not find the words needed and to say, and sorry just was not enough and I knew it.
I wanted to look away I wanted to do anything but look into her eyes, she seemed to be peering into my soul and it was not in my control to stop her. "I never meant to hurt you JJ," I said though it came out as a whisper. "I never meant for you to get hurt" I hoped she could hear the honesty within my voice. I closed my eyes, trying to gain what little control I had back, stop my walls from falling. No matter how hard I tried, I always hurt the people who meant the world to me, a train wreck that is what I am.
"How old is Robert?" that was not the question I thought she was going to ask but I guess it was one she needed an answer to more than anything. "He will be seven next month" I could not help but look at her now she was still kneeled in front of me her eyes boring down into my soul as though I had been laid out bare for her to see. "You kept him hidden for six year Emily!" she let out in disbelief, "Yes" I could not disagree, it was true he had been hidden from the second he was born, placed with Tom for all that time.
I watched as she shook her head, "I couldn't tell anyone" again my words stopped, how could I explain him, how could I explain it back then? "When will you learn Emily, that you don't have to do everything on your own, that you are not invincible and you can trust someone" her voice was like a slap in the face, "I do trust you JJ" she scoffed at me "If you had trusted me Emily, you would have trusted me enough to tell me. Instead you kept that little boy hidden," there was the anger I had been waiting for, the betrayal, which laced her voice.
"There was so many times I wanted to tell you JJ, but I knew even back then anyone knowing could put their lives in danger, everything I have done is to protect those two little boys" I almost pleaded with her. I knew she understood I knew she could understand why I had done it. "And Tess?" I sighed slightly "JJ there is a lot in my past I am not proud of, things I have done that can never be taken back, I can only try and correct my mistakes and Tess" the tears welled deep in my eyes as I began to speak.
"I put her life in danger," I said with a sad sigh, "You are going to need to do better than that Emily. I want to know everything and when I say everything I mean it" her voice was full of fire and the look on her face said everything. I had to bare my soul.
"Two months before Doyle was taken in to custody I met up with her" I sighed slightly, "One of Doyle's men had followed me, they knew what she looked like, so once Doyle had been arrested and I had done all the paperwork bullshit I went to her. Some of his men already hated me, because Doyle had fallen in love with me" I turned away now how do I explain that I had in fact fallen in love with him.
"I had arranged for Louise to meet me with Declan in England, she stayed with Tess and her son" I swallowed hard, "By the time I had managed to get back to England to meet them both there was a target already on Tess's back. I had made a lot of enemies back then JJ, and like I have said I am not proud of my past." Her hand cups my cheek causing me to look at her as she takes my other hand in hers pulling me up from the chair. I look at her confused for a moment before she guides me to the sofa.
"I had to make sure she was safe, she assumed the name of her Mother's maiden name, I bought them a house that I knew would be secure and keep them safe, protection detail was also brought for her," I paused for a moment. "How does Hotch know about her and no one else did Emily?" I smiled slightly "Years ago, I had just gone off to Yale, he was hired as my Mothers security detail, he met Tess then. We all knew my Father had affairs it was not something that could be hidden, and the maid that was employed, well she had a husband so no one questioned when she fell pregnant. When Tess turned ten, everything became known and Hotch was there for the fall out of it all. I hadn't met Hotch until I joined the BAU but I knew who he was."
JJ leaned back placing her legs underneath her as I continued to speak. If I was going to do this I might as well open my sole fully to her and then she can walk away and I can be left more broken than I already am. "Everything was a mess back then, Interpol isn't the best place to work but I had my own personal demons back then. I hated everything about me so when I was offered the job I did not think twice. I was like a moth to the flame, nothing seemed to matter. I was a disappointment to my Mother and I still am. My Father" I could not help but sigh. "I was a disgrace to him, a rebel, from the age of fifteen I had been nothing but a burden to them. When I went off to collage I could be myself not have to worry about disappointing them anymore."
The tears slipped from my eyes as I laid myself totally bare I knew deep down this could all back fire and I can be hurt again, but right now I don't care I had hurt her so badly and telling her everything could only end with her hating me. However, part of me prayed she would not.
I took a risk and looked at her, but I could not see hate behind her eyes, I saw something I could not fully understand, so instead I carried on hoping that I could fully explain my actions if anything she deserved that. "Due to my time travelling to different countries I had learnt so many languages and from what I had studied at both George Town and Yale, I was a prime candidate for the CIA and Interpol. I went to a seminar and it was then my life changed." Her hand reached for mind and I gladly took the slight comfort it gave me even though it may not last. I wanted to wrap myself away but I could not.
"My Mother had always taught me emotions are a sign of weakness, so when I went through my training" I could not help the half heart laugh that escaped my lips. "I became more numb to everything and everything around me. I had so much anger and I truly didn't care if the job took my life." Her hand squeezed mine and I shook my head slightly.
"They sent me on a few simple missions they also found I was a quick study I understood and knew a lot more than they thought. Growing up in different countries had helped me so I was able to fall into the background and fit in with their cultures. It was not easy; I had been with them for over four years before I joined the elite team JTF-12. As you know Interpol uses, something the BAU does not, infiltration I was only chosen to join the team because I was Ian's type. I had to assume a relationship with him, and I did I became his lover" I sighed my hand moving out of JJ's as I pulled myself further into the couch.
I wanted to wrap myself away I was too raw, I had not spoken about this to anyone even Tess did not know the full extent of everything. I take a risk and look at her, my eyes are sad and I know that is not a sight that she is use to but I am here. In addition, she wants to know everything and everything she will get. However, it will cost me everything. I owe her the truth, she had stayed silent for so long but her voice was so soft that I almost did not catch what she had said. "Did you love him?"
I turned my face away from hers I knew this was going to disgust her because my skin still crawls about it all I still have nightmares about my time with JTF-12. "At first no" I swallow slightly "But after being with him in a relationship having to play the part of his lover I did." I allowed the shame to wash over me. "How could you love him Emily? After everything he did everything he was capable of?" it was a valid question and one I had to answer.
"He was different when we were alone, JJ you have to understand aside from my baby sister no one wanted me no one cared about me and here was someone who made me feel wanted, made me feel I could be someone other than just a disappointment." I hold back a sob as I try to gather myself. "When I saw him with Declan after he had informed me he was his son, I saw another side of him. He asked me to be that little boy's Mother and I said no. I couldn't, he wanted to raise him as a killer, a warrior just like himself and I couldn't do that to a child."
I waited a moment to allow everything I said to sink in. "Six months later I had gathered enough Intel for Interpol, it was then they extracted me and arrested Doyle. Once I had been to the debrief and I had given my paperwork in. I made arrangements to get Declan and Louise out of the country" I gave her a sad smile. "And the rest you know"
"When did you find out you was pregnant" JJ asked me. I took a deep breath, I already knew I was pregnant before Doyle was arrested, I could not punish an unborn child for everything that had happened. I had an abortion JJ when I was fifteen and I could not do it again. I could not go through that again"
I took a moment to gather myself. "I knew even before, when I found out about Declan, I knew what they would put that little boy with, leverage to get Doyle to talk, could you imagine what they would have done to me my unborn child? I could not let that happen JJ, the best thing I could do was to fake Declan and Louise's death and place them both in hiding with someone I knew would protect them both. When Tom found out I was pregnant he said he would also take him in, that Declan should know his brother and I could not deny them both that. In addition, I could not put Tess in any more danger than I already had. Two months after having Robert I walked into the BAU"
When I had finished the tears were running down my face the sobs building up inside, I choked out my final words "I am sorry, I'll go" I felt her arm around me and in that moment in that second, I broke. My walls fell fully as I leaned into her allowing her to hold me as I cried, I cried for so much my past, what I was about to lose everything my heart was broken and now I waited for it to be crushed.
"I don't want you to go Emily, you haven't lost me" JJ whispered as her lips touched my head, that action caused me to hold on more as though what I heard wasn't real, I broke my heart, I had done this to myself no one had helped me I had pressed the destruction button a long time ago and this was now the fall out. "I am not going anywhere Emily," she whispered again to me.