Warnings: None, unless the barest mentions of possible slash (guy/guy) offends you.
Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter, or anything related to it.
Harry looked between the grandfatherly remorseful face on Dumbledore to the lightly smug look on Ginny's face, resisting the urge to snort in disbelief. For the past month, Ginny had been trying to get his attention, even going so far as to flash him (which made Ron pissed at him for some reason).
Harry had no interest in Ginny whatsoever (ever since the red-headed Elmyra Duff in Grade School, he avoided red-headed girls with a passion). He was far more interested in Tonks – who could be anyone he wanted, not that he'd ever have the guts to ask her to change for him – he liked his bits right where they were thank you very much, Gryffindor or not).
"I'm sorry, sir, but could you repeat that?" he asked.
"Of course, my boy. As I said before, due to the unfortunate Curse of the Apmoolapmoo's Revenge, that was regrettably been cast upon your family many years ago, you have to get married to someone with certain qualities, or your life will end on your seventeenth birthday. Ms. Weasley here is the only one in your age group who fits the requirements."
"Is there anyone else sir?" Harry asked, ignoring Ginny's outraged shriek. "She's my best friends little sister – it'd be really awkward." Not to mention, even excluding said best friend, she still had five older brothers, one of whom played with dragons for a living. There was no amount of Gryffindor courage that would put him up against that. He'd rather face the Horntail again instead.
"There is one other...Tom Marvolo Riddle jr." That name sounded familiar – oh – it was Voldemort's name, duh. Harry felt like smacking his head on Dumbledore's desk.
"So, I have to marry either Ginny, or Voldemort, or I die before next summer ends?"
"I'm afraid so, my boy," Dumbledore said.
"What was the name of this curse again?"
"The Curse of the Apmoolapmoo's Revenge. There is no known cure."
"No known cure?" Harry put his best I don't feel too good look. "Sir, may I have some time to think about this?"
"Of course, my boy. Take as long as you need." Harry nodded and left the Headmaster's office. "There. Now Harry will be asking you to marry him in no time."
Did Dumbledore actually think him that stupid? Seriously – the Apmoolapmoo Curse? It was Oompa Loompa backwards! It was obviously fake, so Harry didn't need to bother with it.
...this could be a good prank. Harry smiled. He had two letters to write.
Voldemort was surprised to see his worst enemy's owl land in front of him with a letter. He opened it curiously, after checking for harmful or dangerous spells of course.
Please don't destroy this until you read the whole thing. Thanks, I'd appreciate it.
So, I'm called up to Dumbledore's office where he tells me of this Potter family curse where I have three choice: (1) Die, (2) Marry Ginny Weasley, or (3) Marry you. And really, I would have been worried, if the name of the curse wasn't Apmoolapmoo. Seriously, it's Oompa Loompa backwards. Were you ever forced as a child to watch Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? I was. It was traumatizing.
So, I figured out the curse was a fake, but Dumbledore and Ginny (who expects me to marry her) don't know I know. I figure that this would be a good time for a little Marauder-style payback, and have a favor to ask you. Well, actually, more like two.
Voldemort had been quiet for two weeks – the same amount of time Harry had been missing actually, but Dumbledore didn't see the connection, at least not until today. Voldemort and Harry stood in front of the tables, having just entered the Great Hall. And they wereholding hands! Voldemort had a smug look on his face.
"So, professor, about that curse thing? Yeah, I got married to Voldemort. We've just spent the last two weeks on our honeymoon, and what a wonderful honeymoon it was," Harry said, sighing dreamily. A loud screech from Ginny before she fainted was the only sound in the Great Hall when Harry finished. Finally, Dumbledore got the nerve to speak.
"Oh my. You poor, poor boy. This is my fault."
"What was your fault?" Harry asked innocently.
"There really is no Apmoolapmoo Curse, dear boy. I only said that to get you to marry Ginny. I didn't think you'd actually marry Voldemort." Every student (that was conscious anyway) in the Great Hall turned to Harry, waiting to see the fireworks. Harry only grinned.
"I know." Dumbledore blinked rapidly.
"You...know?" he asked, confused.
"Seriously, the Oompa Loompa curse? Anyone raised in the muggle world would have caught onto that!"
"So...you knew the curse was fake?"
"And you still married Voldemort?"
Everyone but Harry and Voldemort let out a collective, "Huh?"
"My I present to you my wife, the ever lovely Nym Potter, nee Tonks." 'Voldemort' grinned has 'his' form changed into that of Tonks.
"Tonks?" Hermione asked. "You got married to Tonks?"
"You do realize he'll probably kill Tonks for taking his form right?"
"Wrote him a letter."
Well, actually, more like two. See, I've gotten Tonks, a metamorphmagus, to help me.
Favor One: Don't kill Tonks for taking your form. I'm gonna make Dumbledore think I married you. That ought to freak the hell out of him.
Favor Two: Don't hold any attacks or be seen by anyone over the next two weeks while 'Voldemort' and I go on our honeymoon. It'll make the scenario more believable to the Slytherins, and if the other students see the 'evil snakes' believe it, they'll be more likely to believe it.
So, please, pretty please?
With a cherry on top?
"And that worked?" Hermione asked.
"How do you know it worked?"
"He sent a reply."
I will agree to your two favors on one condition. You will send me a copy of your memory of Dumbledore's face.
Hermione made a strange whimpering noise, before turning to Tonks.
"And how did he get you to agree to this?"
"He sent me a letter," Tonks answered.
"Of course he did."
How'd you like to pull one over on Dumbledore? No seriously. He called me up to his office and gave me this spiel about a fake curse that means I have to marry Ginny or Voldemort. Which is where you come in. You take Voldemort's form and we tell Dumbledore we're married. Sound good?
"And you agreed?" Dumbledore asked.
"Well, yeah, once he got Voldemort to agree not to kill me, anyway," Tonks answered.
"He introduced you as his wife."
"Well, as it turns out, my dad won't let me go on anyone's honeymoon but my own, whether it's fake or not, so Harry and I got married. We even filed the papers with the ministry, and paid the clerk to not file them for a while so we could make the act more convincing."
"Oh dear," Dumbledore said.
"Now, if you'll excuse us, me and my hubby here got business to take care of."
"Like sending that memory to Voldemort," Harry said. Tonks smiled slyly at him.
"Yeah, that too...eventually." Tonks dragged Harry out of the Great Hall.