Shopping With Mr. Forman

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own anything associated with That 70's Show, including it's characters.

The Piggly Wiggly. Perhaps the mother of all supermarkets ever to hit planet Earth.

There was everything a food lover would ever dream for. The meats were smoky, the milks contained in canisters were ice cold as tundra itself, the water dripping through the wet floor being soapy as ever, and happy employees welcoming customers on this sunny day.

But unfortunately, one certain customer was not having such a happy day. By his balding head with a red hairline, a scary growl on his face and a hard-assed manner, he was feeling crappy.

He went by the name of Red Forman. Usually, he would be happy to do some shopping, knowing that he'd put food on the table for his family because of the hard work. But this was different. He was angry...

...only because Fez was riding along with him. The foreign kid always loved going to the Piggly Wiggly since there was always a higher chance to get candy, and if he was lucky, he would get his hands on a very naughty housewife.

Both Red and Fez shut the door behind them and started to approach the store while the old man spoke to the foreigner.

"Okay, Tonto... here's what you're gonna do..." Red explained to Fez very clearly, "You're gonna stand behind me at all times. You will not go off on your own and goof off like a dumbass. Got that?"

"Got it, Mr. Red!" Fez nodded.

But before they can approach the supermarket, Fez caught his eye on a little mini police car. The kind of cars where kids can insert a quarter and ride along freely. Fez smiled in amusement, so he decided to get Red's approval.

"Oooh oooh, Mr. Red... can I ride on that little police car? It sounds like fun!" Fez pleaded.

"Are you serious?" Red grumpily reacted, "That's way too small for you. Well, maybe it's fun for a small boy like Eric, but definitely not you. You're a grown man, not some sort of dumbass kid."

"Please, Mr. Red... I just want to see what it's like for once!" Fez pleaded again, "If you want, I'll never ride on it again! It's a once in a lifetime opportunity for an American like me. Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please? Please?"

Red groaned with his eyes rolling from the back of his head. Fez kept on pleading and pleading to ride the miniature police car, and that's where Red snapped at him.

"OKAY, OKAY!" Red yelled at Fez threateningly.

With a sneer, he angrily dug for a quarter inside his pockets and shoved the change into Fez's hands. The foreigner felt happy as he could be.

He ran to the miniature police car and got in. After he got in, he took a quarter and sent it into the coin slot. Fez laughed as the little police car he was riding in rocked back and forth like he was in a roller coaster, but only smaller and less thrilling.

"Weeeeee!" Fez screamed in delight.

Meanwhile, a 8-year old boy and his 29-year old mother approached Fez with disturbed looks in their faces.

"Mommy, why is there a big man riding a police car?" The boy said to his mom.

"Jimmy, let that be a lesson to you to stay in college." The mother answered as they entered the Piggly Wiggly. Red on the other hand, felt embarrassed.

"I should've taken my dumbass son..." Red growled, referring to Eric.

Inside the Piggly Wiggly, Red was rolling a shopping cart while Fez, who looked a little weary from riding that small police car, went along with him. In addition, Red also held a shopping list with him of the things he wanted to get.

"All right, Geronimo... I want you to stay with me at all times, just like I told you once before." Red informed Fez again, "No getting this or that as well. I'm just gonna get things on this list and head home as quickly as possible. You got that?"

"There's no need to worry, Mr. Red. I'll follow your commands easy as pie." Fez nodded.

"Good..." Red said, shooting a glare knowing he didn't believe anything that Fez said.

But Fez didn't stay with him for so long, he drifted off to the candy aisle without Red even knowing.

"Okay, let's see what we have here..." Red muttered, "Kitty wants me to get some bread. Sounds easy enough."

However, before he could even think about going through the bread aisle, fez approached him with two bags of candies in his hands. One consisted of Hershey's bars and the other one full of M&M's.

"Oooh oooh, Mr. Forman!" Fez pleaded, "Can we have candy?"

"No, foreigner. We can't have candy." Red replied in response, "And I told you to stay with me and not wander off like a dumbass."

"But I want some candy..." Fez said, forming a sad face across his lips.

"Look, Tarzan... if you want candy, you'll have to pay with your money."

"But I don't have any money..." Fez sadly said.

"Well, then... I don't know what to tell you. You're gonna have to put it back." Red sternly sighed.

Fez had a hard time letting go of the two bags of candy. He really wanted some, knowing that he had a major sweet tooth. He was urging to get Red to buy it for him.

"Will you buy it for me, Mr. Red?" Fez pleaded again.

"Fez, I really need to get things on this list. Do you see the word 'candy' labeled on here? No you don't, so you're not getting any." Red spoke to him again, losing his patience with Fez's whining.

He wasn't getting anywhere with him. So as a last resort, Fez made such an annoying sound.


The sound was so annoying that Fez kept on screeching close to Red's left eardrum.


Knowing that he couldn't take anymore of Fez's screeching, Red decided to give up.

"Okay, fine!" Red snapped once again, "But you can choose only one bag."

Fez had a crucial decision to make. Was he gonna take the Hershey's or the M&M's? He can't take both, stating that Red only told him to choose one bag. After a few moments, Fez made his decision.

"I'll take the Hershey's." Fez said happily, tossing the bag of Hershey's miniatures in the cart.

"I'll take a shotgun..." Red muttered angrily to himself, covering his face in shame.

After he put the bread and candy in the cart, Red's next item on this list was a 2% carton of milk.

"Okay... next on the list is 2% milk. Sounds easy enough." Red said in confidence. It was like he forgot snapping at Fez in the first place.

Before he and Fez could get their hands on that carton of milk, a Piggly Wiggly employee approached them with a tray of chocolate goodies. The employee was in her 40's and looked like Edith Bunker. She looked like a nice lady.

"Free sample?" The lady said to the twosome.

Those appetizers looked scrumptious in Red's eyes. It was one of those little cherry cheesecake bites. It looked a little sugary concerning that Red was on his diet. Maybe one little bite of sugary goodness wouldn't hurt after all.

"Well, I know I'm supposed to look out for my health, but I guess one little bite wouldn't hurt after all." Red smiled to the nice lady.

But before he can get a hand on that little cheesecake bite, Fez snatched the entire tray away and started eating the little cheesecake bites like a total madman. His taste for sweets got to him again. Once again, Red was embarrassed about this whole situation.

"You know, on second thought... I'm on a huge diet." Red said to the old lady.

The employee decided to approach Fez nicely.

"Excuse me, sir..." The old lady said, "You're only supposed to take one-"

"RAAAAAAAAAAAGH!" Fez growled at the old lady, who ran off screaming in fear as a result.

This day for Red could not get any worse, thanks to Fez's intangent urges. The rest of the customers had to stare at Fez like they were scared and disturbed by him.

"HE'S NOT MY SON!" Red shouted to the entire store.

After getting the carton of milk inside his cart, Red's last item on his list was eggs. This was a short shopping list to be exact.

"Okay, the last item on the list is eggs. Maybe this day won't be so bad after all..." Red smiled.

But just like last time, Fez decided to annoy Red. This time, by shoving a carton of chocolate milk in his face.

"Red! Red! Red! Can we buy this, Mr. Red?" Fez chanted happily.

"Anwar, we are not getting that!" Red impatiently shouted, "Look, you already have your Hershey's miniatures, and you already scrumped down an entire tray of cheesecake bites, which I wanted! You're not getting chocolate milk and that's final."

"But I want it, Mr. Red..." Fez saddenly muttered.

"Forget it, foreigner." Red said, refusing Fez's needs for a dairy product, "I'm not letting you get a dumbass sugar attack."

"Please?" Fez cried a little.

"Hell... no." Red replied, gritting his teeth angrily.

Fez was starting to cry like a little baby bitch. And to think Kitty acts like that whenever Red always goes shopping with her (only to get nice booze). Fez's little pity party was putting on a show for the customers. Now Red was flat out embarrassed.

But Fez was never gonna give up without a fight, even with one little cry of desperation.


Fez's screaming was a mercy on Red's ears. It was so loud, it was even giving Red a tumor. For safety, Red covered his ears to dodge Fez's constant noise-making.

"I should've been alone..." Red muttered to himself, hoping that this little complaint nightmare would stop.

Back at the Forman's kitchen, Kitty was busy making fudge out of Kahlua. After all, it was always her secret to making the tastiest fudge on the face of his earth.

Not too long ago, she heard a car door shut, indicating that Red and Fez were finally home.

Kitty was happy to see him, but Red felt a bit different.

"Hi honey, how was it like shopping with Fez?" Kitty smiled, hoping it would light up Red's day.

"Let me put it to you this way." Red clearly explained, "It was like having to babysit a damn banshee for 2 hours. Fez screamed so damn loud he nearly gave me brain cancer, Kitty! It was like 'give me this' and 'give me that'. That foreigner ate so much Hershey's, cheesecake bites, and M&M's in one place, he's gonna crap every time he gets on his sugar drives! I sure as hell don't wanna shop with that dumbass anymore. From now on, you're taking him. I'm going for a damn shower."

After Red left with anger infesting in his brain, Fez entered the kitchen with his mouth stuffed full of Hershey's miniatures.

"Hi, Fez... how was it like shopping with Red?" Kitty said in anticipation.

"Red was mean to me, Kitty..." Fez cried a little bit, "He never let me have any chocolate. I had to cry and cry until he finally gave me some. And then, he threatened to strangle and kill me. Mr. Forman's a bully, Kitty!"

With nervousness in his heart, Fez ran down to the basement in fear, basically to hide from Red Forman forever.

Kitty looked a little bothered by the image of Red trying to kill Fez by strangulation. But she decided to shake it off.

"Well... looks like they had a fun time!" Kitty said happily as she focused on making the fudge.

Never again would Fez and Red forget their little supermarket experience. But sometimes, it wouldn't hurt to forget it every now and then.

I'd imagine that Red would do that to Fez. What a pain Fez was.

You know what to do here. (;D)