AN: What a great episode this week, huh? How crazy/funny was drunk Arizona? It was worth it to wait to see her drunk all these years. But what about Callie... not cool to say that Arizona was dead, right? So I felt like I had to write about it, it may not be the way you guys thought it would happen in the show but let's just go with it, okay?
AN2: I wanna thank my partner in crime (read writing/betaing) 'MaybeIShouldGetACat'. I find it a little hard to understand Arizona's feelings since I'm more of a Callie's girl (please, don't get it wrong, I don't do the 'teams' thing) and she helped me a lot, thanks girl you rock!
AN3: I wanna congratulate the fandom too for the 200th episode, because the song says 'But these stories don't mean anything when you've got no one to tell them to...' and it's so true, the fandom is a huge part of it so, yaaaay us!
AN4: I'll stop 'talking' and let you read, enjoy it!
It's the day after the big Grey-Sloan fundraising gala, and I am sitting in my darkened office catching up on my charting. I've been doing a lot of surgeries lately…not like I have much else. As I squinted at my own, somewhat illegible handwriting my head started to pound. God, I knew I shouldn't have drunk all that alcohol. 'Ugh, my head is going to explode.' I just can't concentrate.
I scoffed as I rested my head on my hand 'Who am I trying to fool?' I rolled my eyes…Great…If I wasn't already the crazy one, now I'm having conversations with myself too. I sighed as my thoughts returned to last night. To be completely honest I'm using the alcohol as an excuse for my distracted mind but I know it's not the real reason why I'm like this.
Callie. Callie is the reason why I'm like this. She was so beautiful last night, her black dress matching her raven hair perfectly. She was just…perfect. And it breaks my heart. I'm sure my shrink would ask me why it breaks my heart…but it's simple. The woman I love can't stand to be in the same room as me. She can't even look at me. The only times she talks to me are about work or about Sofia. And I can't stand that anymore. You don't need a medical degree to see why that's got me so messed up…especially since it's all my fault.
But what's really bothering me today, beyond my usual angst…other than the massive hangover…is what she did last night. The flashback of my drunk conversation with April Kepner came to mind.
"Do you think Callie's ever gonna forgive me?" I asked quietly, my cheek pressed up against the metal of the supply wrack that I was holding onto to keep myself upright.
"Probably not. She's telling everybody at the gala that you're dead." Her tone was soft and apologetic but her words cut like a knife into my heart.
How could Callie do that to me? Tell people that I'm dead…I hadn't expected that from her. Would she really rather I be dead than…this?
I was pulled out of dreamland by a knock at my door. 'Ugh…my poor head.'
"Come in." I said as I cleared my throat. I didn't need anyone to see that I was struggling.
"Dr. Robbins?" It was Kepner…my new…drinking buddy…friend…I have no clue. She didn't look any better than me. "I came to see if you're alright…I mean after last night. I think we might have drunk a little too much."
'You think?' I cleared my throat again. "Despite the fact that I feel like my head is going to explode, I'm fine." I gave her a weak smile. "How about you? You don't look any better."
"Same…I spent the whole night in the bathroom you know…after I got sick in the cab I couldn't stop thr-"
I held up my hand to cut her off. I'm a pediatric surgeon and bodily fluids don't usually gross me out…but with my hangover…and after my own night in the bathroom, I didn't need to hear about hers. "Ew, stop!"
"I'm sorry." She said softly, looking at me with her big sad eyes.
"Hey, it's okay." I afforded her a small laugh. "You don't need to apologize for this." 'And you don't need to look at me like I'm the pathetic cheater we both know I am…'
"I'm not talking about this." Her words went along with what I was already thinking. "I'm talking about…you know. What Dr. Torres did wasn't right."
The corner of my lips twitched up in a sad smile, acknowledging her words. Right now I couldn't look her in the eyes. I just stared at my messy handwriting in the chart that was open on my desk. April and her alcohol had been a good friend last night. But right now I just wanted her to leave. "Never mind it. I'll be fine." My eyes jumped up to hers and I saw those big sad puppy dog eyes looking at me again.
"I hope so." She said kindly before leaving the room.
I sighed as I squinted at the chart again. The last thing I needed today were people pitying me. I can pity myself.
The day had been pretty calm so far. And for that I was so unimaginably grateful. There weren't many incoming traumas and the two surgeries I scrubbed in on in the afternoon were scheduled and uncomplicated procedures. My hangover may have dissipated somewhere around lunch time but I really don't think I would have been able to handle anything complicated with my current mental state.
Now it was almost 5:00 in the afternoon and all the board members were at a meeting that Jackson had called announced that morning. 'Please tell me you're not planning another party.' Even if the party hadn't been an emotional disaster for me, there was still the fact that I had ruined my dress by closing it in the taxi door.
"Alright people," he started his speech. "The gala didn't exactly go as smoothly as we planned for it to. We had some incidents in the middle but nothing that our doctors couldn't handle. Congratulations on the great surgeries by the way." He said, looking at Derek, Meredith, Owen, and Callie.
"Did we get enough money?" I asked, not really interested in the complements at the moment. I just needed to know if we had enough money for NICU blankets. That's really all I cared about at the moment.
"We did actually." He continued to smile at us. "We got more than enough money."
"Which department won the competition?" Thank you Cristina for getting to the point because I really just wanted to go back to my dark office and be miserable in private…or maybe I could hit up that supply closet again…I'm locking the door this time. But Cristina was still talking. "I mean, I hope it was Cardio. I didn't spend the whole night with a drunk-"
"You're the one who got him drunk." Meredith cut her off.
"Whatever. I didn't spend my whole night with a drunk for nothing."
"I'm sorry to disappoint you Dr. Yang, but your department didn't get the money." The look of disbelief on Cristina's face was priceless and I had to bite the inside of my cheek to hold in my giggles. "The department that gets the money is Orthopedics."
"Oh bite me!" Cristina huffed as she left the room.
'What? Callie won?' I couldn't believe it. I would have been happy for her. But no. No, I won't be happy about it. She won because she made people believe that I was dead. She won because they felt sorry for her. Sorry for the poor widow Callie. 'That's not fair.' I could feel my cheeks getting red with some combination of anger and humiliation.
"What?!" She asked surprised.
Jackson looked at her, "You got the money for your department. I don't know what you did but it was better than the others. Even before I took the donors to the gallery your department was heading the competition. Congratulations Dr. Torres."
Except for Cristina who had already left in a huff, everyone was now shaking Callie's hand and giving her congratulations before leaving the room. I couldn't help but stare…She was all smiles because she got the money for Ortho. She didn't even seem to care that it was because of a lie. A lie about my life.
"Aren't you going to talk to her?" I heard Owen's voice beside me as I slowly pushed myself up from the table and got my balance. "I understand you have your problems but it was a gain for the hospital and you should try to put your pers-"
"Owen, I don't want to be rude, but you're the last person who should be telling me this. You're a cheater too…the only difference is you wife didn't out you in front of all of your colleagues." You'd think I would have gotten some support from the other person in the hospital wearing a scarlet letter. But Owen's was hidden while mine was pinned to my chest…just another thing for everyone to stare at. I continued, "And besides, you couldn't fix your relationship with Cristina. So don't try to fix mine." Okay, that was rude. I usually don't talk to people like that but I was just so mad that I was saying things without even thinking. That's my problem these days. The same thing happened that night with Callie in the on-call room. I really need to learn how to control it.
I left Owen standing there with this stupid, open-mouthed look of surprise. But really, what did he expect…I really really thought I would have gotten some sympathy from him but apparently the hospital's resident harlot deserves none. As my legs started to carry me out of the conference room, I chanced a look up and my heart stopped for a moment when I saw her staring at me. Our eyes met just like last night at the party. But this time, instead of running away, I found myself walking towards her.
As I stood in front of her, I could tell that she wasn't comfortable with this. Neither was I. 'Come on Arizona, just say congratulations and get the hell out of this room. You don't even need to shake her hand. You don't have to. You don't want to. She doesn't want you to.' "Congratulations." I said coldly, without making eye contact. Stay strong Robbins.
"Umm…thank you." She said. I could tell that she was embarrassed. She knows what she did was wrong.
I gave a curt nod of my head and started to walk away before the anger welled up again and I couldn't control it. I spun back to face her. "You must have used one hell of an argument to get those people's money huh?"
She stared into my gaze…She knows that I know.
"Arizona…" She said with her soft voice. The voice that would drive me crazy if I wasn't this mad. The voice that I had been desperate for a month to hear.
"You go Dr. Torres!" I said sarcastically, raising my arms in a congratulatory cheer. My arms dropped back to my sides, the knuckles of my left hand clunking loudly on the plastic of my prosthetic leg. "Your wife would be really proud of you."
Those were my last words before turning on my heel and heading out of the room. "Arizona…please, wait!" I could hear her voice call out to me but I didn't look back. I couldn't look back. I had to go to my office. That was my safe haven now. The only place I could breakdown…besides my now empty home. It was getting harder and harder to wake up alone in there, not having Callie by my side or Sofia jumping on our bed to wake us up. I shut the door behind me and dropped heavily to the couch.
"Arizona, please. Open the door." I heard her voice outside the room. I didn't want to let her in. I just wanted to stay on my couch and cry. Couldn't I suffer alone? I was dead after all. "Arizona…please let me in. We need to talk."
Realizing that she wasn't going to go way, I pushed myself back up off the couch. "Now you want to talk? I've needed to talk for weeks and you didn't give me the chance. Why should I let you in? Why should I let you talk when you didn't let me?" I know why she didn't let me…because at that point I didn't deserve to talk to her. But now the anger in my body laced my words. My cheeks were red and the vein in my neck was pulsing faster and faster as I grew more upset.
"Because you're not me." She said softly. 'What the hell was that supposed to mean?' Because I wasn't as fiery or as reactive as she was? In the past I hadn't been. I had been the even headed one in the relationship. But this Arizona of late…well she could give Callie a run for her money.
"You told them I was dead…" My voice was now full of hurt, tears rolling down my cheeks. "You let them believe I had died in the plane crash."
"I know. I know, it was wrong and you have no idea how much I regret saying it."
"You regret…" I let out a sarcastic laugh, unable to complete my sentence. I sighed as the laugh died in my throat. "Do you really regret it? Because I don't think you do."
"What?!" She asked with that same tone she had used a few minutes ago in the conference room. "Of course I regret saying that…how can you doubt that?"
"Because," I said, now opening the door. "You preferred to lie to them instead of saying that I cheated on you. I mean…" I shrugged a shoulder. "I guess I should be happy that you didn't tell them I was a slut. But you chose to say that I was dead Callie. Would you really prefer that I had died in that crash? Would it be better for you without your disabled slut of a wife?"
The look in her eyes was cold. She was staring at me with a look she had never given me before. "Would you stop staring at me that way? I can handle this from anyone but not from you." I said as I came back to my couch. She entered the room and locked the door behind her. I dropped down on the cushions and looked up at her. "I'm tried of all this staring."
She ignored my comment and leaned up against my desk, looking down at me. "Do you really think I would be better if you were dead? That…that it'd be any easier for me?"
"Honestly, I do." I couldn't keep that to myself anymore.
No answer came from Callie. I waited and waited and waited but nothing came out of her mouth. We stayed there, looking into each other's' gaze for what felt like an eternity. I was fighting with my feelings and struggling to control my tears but there comes a moment when we just can't handle everything.
"You have no idea what you're talking about." It was all she said. I could see the tears filling her eyes. She was devastated…maybe not as much as I was, but she was none the less.
"I do though Callie." I said in a quiet breath. God, it suddenly became hard to form words. There were too many feelings involved. "Since the plane crash we know that things haven't been easy. All the adaptations we had to make…all the problems with the hospital. I didn't feel like myself and to be honest I don't think I'll ever feel like myself again. And you…you knew I wasn't the same."
"How do you th-" She tried to argue but I cut her off.
"And then…Lauren happened. Our life was a mess already and she appeared. And I know you don't want to talk about this because it hurts you. But…if it gives you any comfort, it hurts me too." I did feel really bad for bringing up Lauren, but I had to. This was the first time she had stopped and listened to me. This was my chance. "It hurts me because now everyone looks at me as a cheater. And I am a cheater. I will not deny that. But I'm no longer "Blondie" or "Rollergirl" I'm just the cheater." I had come to some sort of drunken revelation last night in that supply closet and I was desperate to share it with my wife. "You haven't been through this. But…I grew up gay. I know what it's like when people stare. They stare and they think they have a right to judge because of my life choices. They stare and they think they have a right to judge because I have one leg…But to be honest with you, I prefer to be stared at for being gay or for being an amputee than for being a cheater…a slut." I paused to give her time to process the things I had said. "You get stared at because you're beautiful. I don't." I said sadly with a shake of my head. "At least…not any more. But she stared at me too, you know? Lauren…she did. But it felt different, it felt good…it felt like the way people stared before the crash…the good kind of staring. She knew I didn't have a leg and still…she didn't care."
"Do you think I love you any less because you no longer have your left leg?" She raised an eyebrow.
I sighed what I was trying to say wasn't coming out in the best way, 'Way to go Arizona. Now you have to get out of this.' "That is not what I'm saying…I mean, not really. You knew me before. The perky woman that was all smiles all the time. And now…who am I to you? You'll never see me as you once did. You'll never want me like you once wanted me. I'm not the person you married." I was hit with a thought that put everything into perspective but also felt like a knife to the gut. "Maybe you were right to say that your wife was dead…Because she's gone now and what's left over is…me. Our lives changed forever Callie. What we had…it's never coming back."
AN5: Soooooooooooooooo, what's gonna happen now? What does Callie think about it? Let's see on the next and last chapter. Hope you liked it, give me some feed back! Xo;