AN: Here it is the last chapter, I hope you guys like it because I had fun writing it.
AN2: I wanna thank my beta 'MaybeIShouldGetACat' again for the the help she gave me and also 'eelahnie' for the help with this chapter.
Enjoy your reading!
"What are we going to do Calliope?" My heart raced as she said my full name…I don't think she even realized she'd done it as she continued. "Are we just going to keep pretending we mean nothing to each other? That the only thing we have in common is Sofia?" She paused and I could see her weighing her words carefully. "Keep pretending we don't miss each other?" I raised my eyebrows, surprised by her words and she just continued on, undeterred. "Or…" She shrugged a shoulder wearily." Maybe you aren't pretending. You told people that I was dead. And-and…" She rolled her eyes up to the ceiling, "It makes me wonder if you want me to be."
'What?! No. Arizona. No!' My heart plummeted into my stomach. My wife truly believed that I would rather her be dead. I felt sick. But she wasn't done, and as she spoke I realized I was going to feel a whole lot worse.
"I-I contemplated it…you know? Killing myself. I'm a doctor…it would have been so…" Her eyes briefly rolled up to the ceiling again and she chewed her lip before looking back at me and finishing, "easy."
A chill crawled up my spine at the finality with which she spoke. Arizona wasn't kidding. I'm sure she saw the horror on my face as her eyes met mine and I saw the icy blue orbs soften. She wasn't trying to hurt me by telling me this. She was just trying to be honest…so very honest. Honesty was something that had been lacking in our marriage lately…Honesty about how we feel…honesty about what we want. I wanted to ask her how long she had been feeling this way but she wasn't done talking.
"I mean I lost my brother, my best friend…two if you count Teddy moving away, my sense of safety when the plane went down. I lost my leg, my mental peace, and now my marriage…" She gave a mirthless laugh and bit down on her lip for a moment, shaking her head as I sat frozen, staring at her. "Of course that last one was my fault. But what was there left to live for?"
"Arizona…" My voice cracked as I forced her name out. It killed me that she felt this way. But before I could get anything else out, she shook her head and kept going.
"And then I remembered…I have a beautiful daughter…a daughter who I love more than anything. A daughter who had already lost one parent and didn't deserve to lose another. But in your world…she did. You told people that I died Callie." I watched her lips twitch up into a sad smile as she looked away from me, sitting back on the couch to face her desk. And in the dim office light I saw a tear trail down her pale cheek.
"Arizona…" I watched her delicate hand swipe away the tear as she kept a stiff upper lip. It's amazing how much pain could be hidden beneath her angelic features. When I made the decision to go home, it was because I wanted to try. I wanted to work on us, even though I was still so mad at her for cheating. But now I could see that the cheating was only one of many issues that we faced…and the blame was spread equally amongst us. I swallowed and ventured closer to her on the couch. Taking a risk, I took her hand in mine, honestly surprised when she didn't pull away. "Arizona…I shouldn't have done it and-"
She turned towards me with one of those sad little smiles. "I get why you did it though. I said it yesterday…the Arizona you married is dead, or at least very very hidden. It hurt…hearing it from April what you said. I won't lie and say that it didn't. But I get it. I do. What I don't get though is why you're here because you had a bad dream?"
"A nightmare. It was a nightmare." I took a deep breath before I continued talking. "I dreamt that you'd fallen…and they couldn't resuscitate you…And I know I haven't experienced what you experienced…I wasn't in the plane or in the woods…" I could see her eyes fill with tears, probably remembering the days they spent out there in the cold, screaming for help. "But I was in the worst place I could ever be in my life…"
"What place is that Callie?" She asked with a soft voice.
"I was in a place where my life didn't make sense anymore. A place where living wasn't worth it even though that'd be selfish because of Sofia…I was the wife of a dead woman. I saw you flatline on the table…in my dreams. Your body jumping on the table as they tried to bring you back but…you had already given up."
Now instead of the silence, it was my sobs that took over the room. I couldn't stop crying. I tried to talk more but I couldn't. Every time I opened my mouth it wasn't words, but a sob that escaped instead. Arizona was crying too…much more quietly, the tears rolling softly down her cheeks. I could see she wasn't feeling okay, but that was obvious…How could she be okay? How could I be okay?
"I'm here." She said after a moment. "I'm here and you don't need to worry." I felt her hands on mine. "I'm here and I didn't leave you, I'm here…I'm still here. I know I said I thought about it...but even without Sofia I don't think I would have acted on it. I'm not going to make you a widow Callie."
I nodded and wiped my cheek even though the tears kept coming. I could feel her hands which were still on mine, and her breath against my face as she spoke. I could hear her clearly; she was still here physically. But emotionally?
She squeezed my hands, [and almost as if she'd read my mind, she continued. "I made a mistake. One mistake. There's nothing in my life that I regret more than that. Calliope, I'm not going to tell you that I didn't know what I was doing, because I did and I did know it was wrong. But at the moment it…I was finally allowed to lose a little bit of control and I…I couldn't resist."
Her words were making my heart ache, but I decided to let her talk. I could see the sorrow written all over her face…I did understand the concept of one mistake.
"You know I have issues…since the plane crash many things changed…everything changed. I had a traumatic, life altering experience and I refused to get help because I thought I didn't need it. But in the moment that I lost control, the moment that I lost you, I realized that I was wrong. I needed help because I don't think I would have done something so…idiotic…so traitorous if I had dealt with my demons. And I'm not trying to excuse my actions Callie…It is my fault. I am to blame. I'm just trying to explain." She took a deep breath and closed her eyes, taking a moment to collect herself before looking at me again. It seemed as if the fact that I was taking the time to listen to her...to let her say what she had kept bottled up for so long...had triggered some change in her. Because this time, there was more than sorrow written on her face. There was pain, hope, heartbreak, determination, and… love. I sucked in a sharp breath as she continued. "I don't know how to live without you by my side. Next to me. Cheering me up. And I am so deeply sorry that it took me losing you to notice all this. Now…I don't feel like I can move on without you. I am going to therapy but it's not enough…it has helped me but it's not enough." The hope peeked through and I held my breath waiting for the other shoe to drop. "It'll never be enough if you're not there with me. Callie…I need to know. I need to know if I'll be going through this alone. Or…if you'll be there with me. I need to know if you will ever forgive me."
My scandalous sobs had ceased but the tears were still rolling down my cheeks. "Arizona, I came in here today for two]reasons-"
"You had a nightmare." She supplied.
"Yes. And I felt bad about what I did at the party." ...and even worse once she'd told me how she felt. "Then I had the nightmare and I came home and found my ring and necklace and suddenly, all I wanted was my wife back, for us to try again." It was time for honesty and I had to say what was coming next. "But what you did to me," I cringed internally as I saw her face drop, "I don't think I will ever be able to forget. It will take me time to trust you again. I'm not sure if I will ever be able to trust you again because you broke my heart so bad. It's in a million pieces Arizona and I don't know if I'll ever get it fixed but…I'm willing to try." I could see the hope peek back out, spreading slowly across her face as she processed my words. "But it's going to be baby steps Arizona." Now there was a little hint of a smile as she nodded in acknowledgement…I feel like this was more hope than either of us had held in weeks. I continued on, "Coming home was no small feat, but it was necessary. I'm willing to try to make this work but above everything we have to think about Sofia. We can't let this affect her. And I know we both need help but I'm not going to therapy with you." She frowned again and opened her mouth to speak but I raised a hand to stop her. "If we go in there, we'll have to talk about that woman and I can't talk about her anymore. It's enough for me what we discussed here. But I think you should continue going to your appointments. That's something you need to do for you, before you do it for us. Take as long as you need, I will support you."
She waited patiently this time, to make sure I was done talking. "I-I know it will take you a long time to trust me again but…you have a great heart Callie. That's one of the things that made me fall in love with you. And if those are the conditions…I will gladly follow them to try to get at least back a part of what we had. I'm in it. I want to try." The tears were still in her eyes, but they were no longer sad tears. They were tears of hope. Hope that one day we could figure this out and be happy again.
Her hands were still on mine. Our eyes were locked on each other. My heart was pounding very fast and I hadn't had that feeling in a long time…it was nice.
"You were gorgeous at the party." She said, still looking at me softly. "I bet that is what the man was telling you."
I smiled lightly at her teasing tone…we'd barely started, but bits of my Arizona were already starting to peek through. "I can't really answer that because I was busy…staring at you." My smile widened, "I didn't get a word of what he said." I paused for a moment and mentally recapped what I'd just said. 'Oops, I said the 'S' word.' I cringed internally. "Sorry. I didn't mean to stare…you said you don't like it but I-"
"I like it when it's from you." She cut me off. "I know it wasn't a sexy stare or that you were staring at me because you wanted me but…It's good when I feel your eyes on me."
I gave her a weak smile as I acknowledged the validity of her words. "I wish I was staring because I wanted you."
"Maybe I'll get that stare again one day?" Her voice was hopeful.
"I think you will. You just have to be patient." I squeezed her hand before standing up. "You…wanna go grab some coffee? I didn't sleep well last night."
"Me either…this couch is horrible. Coffee would be great." She smiled up at me. "Just give me a second." I watched as she wrangled some scrub bottoms around her prosthetic leg before affixing the plastic socket to her residuum and pulling her pants up. After she put on her other shoe, I handed her a scrub top, chuckling slightly as she pulled it over her head before brushing her fingers through her messy curls. "I'm going to need a shower before rounds."
My laughter got louder. "You're fine." I held the door open and let her out, following closely behind her. When we were walking side by side I could feel our hands rubbing each other's. Those were our first baby steps towards healing. The first of the many we still had to take. But like I said, baby steps. One thing at a time. As a surgeon, leaving things up to time is one of our biggest vices but what can we do? It's up to it now. Only time could say what's going to happen to us. And as for us…we just had to try.
AN3: I wanna thank you all for all your great reviews, I've got some great feedback and I was really happy to know people were enjoying it. Sorry for the long space between updates but now it's finally done. Thank you, thank you, thank you!
AN4: If you want to, I have 2 other stories and my beta has a GREAT one too, just go to her profile. So, that's it, bye! Xo;