Rating: Hard R (for smut and language)

Disclaimer: Glee doesn't belong to me. If it did, it probably wouldn't suck as much.

A/N: Hi, everyone. I have returned with my season 5 Canon series. This can be seen as a sequel to season 4's Back to Black, but you don't have to read that story (or watch Glee) to understand this one. I'm writing this strictly to help get my feels out so it doesn't influence my other stories, but hopefully you guys who still give any fucks about Canon can use it for comfort, too. :)

So how does this story work?

-Well, most weeks (but not every week, even I'm not magic) I will try and write a Brittana-themed chapter based on events in Canon. It's not easy to spin Brittana from the episodes, but I will do the best with what I am given. I like to play the game called, "Find the Brittana!"

-There will be mentions of other pairings (in this case, Dantana) because of what happens in Canon. I will REFER to them only. I will never write a non-Brittana scene.

-That being said, it's still going to probably be very hard to read because of the angsty nature of the story. So proceed with caution and prepare yourself for lots of feels.

Hopefully, as with last season's Back to Black, the story will get fluffier as Canon progresses.

Happy angst-ing! 8)~

Ain't no sunshine when she's gone
It's not warm when she's away
This house just ain't no home
Only darkness every day

Sometimes Santana wonders if moments in her life are real.


Sometimes she says things, and it's like she's outside her body, like she can't hear herself, or like it's not her speaking, because sometimes the pain makes her numb, makes her go through the motions, makes her thoughts blank, but her mouth doesn't stop.

(I love her but… that's over.)


So she wonders… is this real?

Dani is so, so cute.

But Dani- if Santana's being real- is not like Brittany.

She's blonde like Brittany, but not gold blonde, not first-thing-in-the-morning sunshine blonde. It's fake blonde, like darkness masquerading as the sun. It's not real.

(Here comes the sun, little darling…)

(Santana worries her sun has already set.)

How many sunrises had she watched with Brittany, half-naked and tangled in a blanket on her roof? How many sunrises had she missed because she'd been sleeping, head on Brittany's chest, all warm blankets and warmer limbs, wrapped around her like a safe cocoon?

How many sunrises did not even exist, because days blur together, lose meaning, without Brittany? Because her sun was gone?

(Where did the sun go?)

Dani has a nice smile.

But Dani's smile- if Santana's being real- is not like Brittany's.

It's missing a sneaky lift, it's missing the power to light up a room (to light up her world), it's missing a certain brightness. It's fake bright, and Santana wishes it could bring the warmth she desperately craves. It's not real.

(The smiles returning to their faces...)

How many times had Brittany smiled at her? (She'd counted the number of times she'd smiled at her, but she'd lost count a long time ago.) How many times had Brittany made her smile, even when she didn't want to, even when smiling was the last thing she wanted to do? How many times had she smiled even just thinking of Brittany or something that reminded her of Brittany?

How many smiles faded, because smiling hurt too much, with Brittany gone?

(Santana worries her sun has already set.)

Dani has a nice voice.

But Dani's voice- if Santana's being real- is not like Brittany's.

It's missing that playfulness, and though they sound good together, it's not like the way her and Brittany sound together. Like how peanut butter and banana sandwiches are good, but nothing beats the tried-and-true familiarity of peanut butter and jelly, and Dani's charming, and she can play guitar, but if Brittany were here, they would be dancing, they would be laughing and teasing and touching and the world would disappear and she just misses Brittany so, so much.

Dani isn't real.

Not in the way Brittany is, not in the way Brittany is her real best friend, not in the way Brittany really knows her.

Not in the way Brittany is her sun.

So as the sun rises (not her sun) all Santana can think about is how much Brittany enjoys watching the sun rise, and how much Dani doesn't smell anything like Brittany. She feels homesick and a little nauseous, and she hopes that Brittany's sunrises feel real.

(For you, the sun will be shining.)

(Santana worries her sun has already set.)

The kiss troubles her for days. It didn't feel bad; she's kissed other girls before, but she knew going into them that those other girls- Quinn, Elaine, whomever- knew not to expect more than she could give. They knew not to expect something real.

So when Dani kisses her, Santana worries that Dani will expect something real from her, and Santana knows that she can't give her that. Because Dani isn't real- only Brittany is. There can only be one sun, and she's found it, even though it's set. (The sun will always rise again.)

Dani intimidates her in a way Brittany doesn't. With Brittany, Santana feels comfortable, at ease. Maybe it's only as a result of knowing each other for years, but even if it is- why would she want to give that up and start over when she doesn't have to? Sure, Dani's cute, and blonde, and charming, but Santana knows she's not ready to give her something real.

(I love her, but-)

Later that night when her phone rings and Brittany's smile lights up her screen (lights up her world) her heart skips a beat like it does every time (real, real, real) and she answers with a smile because her sun just rose again.

I saw your commercial, Brittany says, voice bright and playful and familiar and jelly, and Santana can't help but feel proud and nervous. Secretly, she'd hoped that Brittany would see her commercial. She likes the idea of reminding Brittany that she exists, in case Brittany starts to forget.

(Santana worries her sun has already set.)

Yeah? she asks, and when Brittany hums in approval, her smile lights her face, warmth fills her body. Nothing can make her feel the way her sun makes her feel.

They talk for an hour, and even though they aren't technically together (I love her, but-) Santana initiates phone sex and Brittany doesn't refuse. Maybe it's to chase away the feel of another's lips on hers, stealing a kiss, or the uncomfortable feeling of singing an intimate song with someone who isn't Brittany, or watching a fake sunrise, but she gives in to her desire. Brittany's moans are familiar, real. Her breathing is real. Her sweet, dirty talk is real. And when Santana's grip tightens on the phone as she listens to Brittany tell her, I'm close, San, her orgasm is real, and so is Brittany's.

With an I love you, they hang up, and Santana lies in her bed, staring at the ceiling and struggling with her feelings.

There's no sunshine without Brittany, but she needs sun to survive, even if it's fake.

(Where did the sun go?)

Rachel and Kurt accept Dani whole-heartedly. Maybe Rachel's trying to live through her, and maybe Kurt doesn't want to be the only one in a relationship, but they're both so happy to see Santana fake-happy. Maybe she's not completely fake-happy- after all, those five-dollar Ray-Bans they sell on Broadway aren't real, but they look and feel enough like the real thing to hold her over until she can get the authentic ones.

She can try to enjoy her fake sun.

Dani's blonde, but it's wrong, and being drunk with her on the floor is chill, but it's not fun.

It's not body-shot, stripper-dance, crazy-sex-in-the-bathroom fun.

But it's okay. Santana knows what this is.

But when Dani taps her nose, her stomach sinks, twists as that nauseous feeling returns to her. Her fuzzy mind flashes back and she swallows the lump in her throat as she remembers.

(He doesn't deserve you.)

Her heart pounds- not from excitement, not from the sight of the sun after a long, lonely winter. It pounds with fear, and she's suddenly very aware of her surroundings. Of whose hand she's holding. She's been here before. Deja vu.

This isn't real.

She knows what real is.

And Dani is cute and blonde and charming.

But Dani is not Brittany.

(Santana worries her sun has already set.)

She lets Dani hold her hand and hopes that she doesn't expect real from her, because sometimes she says things she doesn't mean, even though she knows what her real response should be. She wishes she would have said what she meant, but it's too late now, so she holds onto her feelings.

(I love her, but-)

(I love her, but-)

It's not over.


(The sun will always rise again.)

Okay, so short one just to start us off. I'm a little rusty, and I'm also writing from Santana's POV this time, so hopefully it wasn't too bad. :)

Brittana will always be endgame. Always. If you don't believe me, just ask me, and I'll tell you. ;)

But seriously, this story is here to prove it!

See you next time, when I will be covering The Quarterback episode. :'(