Lyrics and some lines from the setting paragraph are property of The Goo Goo Dolls, from different songs from the album "Gutterflower". I don't own Yami no Matsuei. Feedback welcomed.
To further confuse you wonderful readers, not only am I making it unclear as to who's feeling what, now when I'm referring what someone felt, I'm going to make it so you don't know which 'he' I'm talking about. So what 'he' felt could mean Tsuzuki, or Hisoka who felt it *through* Tsuzuki, or Hisoka who felt it for himself. Confused? I sure as hell am, and it's *my* story!
This story should be called "Results of listening to 'Gutterflower' on repeat while sleeping." I think the CD is engrained into my mind. But it's very good, go buy it. Just so you know, it's my opinion that Hisoka has rather low self-esteem (I mean, if you had his life, wouldn't you?) So that tells you why he thinks certain things in here, even if he doesn't say it.
Part 2: Distance
Sometimes allowing ourselves the weakness of comfort isn't such a bad thing after all, you take a lot of chances with your feelings; no one really knows what you feel. It's always a risk when you believe in something; nothing's real and nothing lasts. You turn your pretty head if it gets real. It's safer to be alone.
"Stranger than your sympathy,
Take these things so I don't feel.
I'm killing myself from the inside out,
Now my head's been filled with doubt."
-"Sympathy" The Goo Goo Dolls
/Frustration. Worry. Exasperation./
Shoving his hands further into his coat pockets Hisoka continued to trudge through the snow; more cold flakes falling from the dark sky to join the rapidly growing piles on the ground.
Hisoka hated winter. The bitter wind whipped at his face and teasingly played with the end of his long scarf as he continued his search. Not that he really cared where his idiot partner was right now…
Alright… maybe I care. Just a little bit.
After all, Tsuzuki had been due back at the hotel an hour ago. Knowing the childish Shinigami he had just found something that grabbed his attention and forgotten the time. Forgotten that Hisoka was waiting for him…
Stop that. It doesn't matter anyways; you're getting too attached to him as it is.
With his pensive green eyes aimed steadily at the ground, Hisoka kept empathetically looking for Tsuzuki, whose mind felt like an odd combination of sunshine, chocolate and stone. He had long ago decided not to question this; like all other aspects of his partner it made no sense. How he could care about everyone, yet hold such low regard for himself. How someone with a childish exterior could have so much power.
How he makes me believe I don't always have to be alone…
Hisoka frowned at the intruding thought. It's safer to be alone. Getting close to someone means opening yourself to pain; something he remembered all too well.
But if you feel nothing, you can't be hurt.
Maybe I don't hate the cold so much after all…
Hisoka found his thoughts abruptly pushed aside with a wave of emotion that flooded his mind. Tsuzuki… Turning his gaze to a line of stores across the street, Hisoka saw the object of his search; nearly plastered to the window of a small bakery where various cakes and sweets were on display. Letting out a sigh that condensed as soon as it hit the frigid air he simply stood and watched his partner for a moment, absorbed in his childish delight. Figures…
As if alerted by Hisoka's silent observation Tsuzuki turned, his violet eyes locking with the green ones darkened in thought. Smiling brightly he ran across the street to stand in front of his shorter partner, taking in the other's cold-flushed cheeks and layers of clothes in the blink of an eye. "Hisoka, what are you doing out here? You shouldn't be outside in such cold… you'll get sick!"
The green eyes widened for a brief moment, then narrowed into a hard glare. "Idiot! What are you talking about, getting sick? See if I ever worry again if you're out late and don't come…"
/Shock. Wariness. Overwhelming happiness./
Hisoka nearly tumbled to the ground as Tsuzuki hurled towards him, as it was he was pinned in a tight embrace, the waves of Tsuzuki's joy warming him despite the temperature. "Hisoka! You were worried! You were worried about me! You do care!"
"Y-you idiot!" Hisoka tried to sound angry, but it was a miserable attempt, affection and slight embarrassment tinged his shaky voice. "Let me go, right now!"
Pulling back slightly Tsuzuki grinned at Hisoka, the same warmth he had felt before lighting his face. "It's ok Hisoka, I'm glad. Just because the weather's cold, doesn't mean you have to pretend to be."
Trying to frown, to scowl, or even muster a glare, Hisoka found he was unable to do so in the face of such honest affection. He settled for simply gazing up at the face of his partner, a sad, almost-smile, gracing his delicate features. A breathless "Maybe" was the only response Tsuzuki received.
That seemed enough for Tsuzuki as he released the blushing Shinigami and began walking briskly in the direction of the hotel, though he kept one arm fixed firmly around Hisoka's shoulders, holding him relatively close.
/Caring. Release. Warmth./
And for once Hisoka allowed himself the security of that embrace, moving in towards Tsuzuki ever so slightly and basking in the feeling that he wasn't alone.
Sometimes I want to believe Tsuzuki… Because you just won't let me keep my distance.
Because you're the only one who can drive the cold away.
Next - Part Three: Need.