Hello, everyone! Something short and simple to let you know I'm still alive :P.
Got the idea when Millennium was about to launch an attack against, I believe (though I might be wrong), Hellsing. Everything was ready, all they needed was the order… but then the Doktor decided to consult his little pocket manual for invasions and stuff. They then made a whole show of how Schrödinger, who apparently forgot his manual, was made to consult Captain Hans'. So here's what I came up with :D.
It was a beautiful day at Millennium Elementary for Vampire Freaks! The sun was shinning, the birds were singing and there was a general sense of joy and happiness about the place! Well, actually, I lied.
It was the middle of the night at Millennium Elementary for Vampire Freaks. The sky was clouded, the thunder was rumbling ominously in the distance and there was a general feeling of dread and foreboding about the building.
But none of that did anything to so much as put a dent in Prof. Major's merry mood; he was positively beaming, actually. He loved war, alright, but there was something he loved even more than war, and that was shaping talented, yet unpolished youngsters into perfect little weapons of mass destruction, ideal to be used in a higher plan of world conquest and domination. As he made his way down the hallway, passing by one classroom after another, he felt his already wide (and somewhat maniacal) smile broaden even more and his chest swell with pride at the thought of the wonderful progress his protégées have already made.
When he had reached the proper classroom and opened the door, his protégées were already obliviously, yet industriously displaying their skills with bubbling enthusiasm.
The Doktor, serious and diligent, was at his desk, face deep in what looked like an anatomy treatise. Lieutenant Zorin, leaned back at her desk and with feet on her bench, was aiming what looked like a paper plane at the Doktor's head, Rip van Winkle was cheerily playing paddy cake with an equally cheery Schrödinger and the stoic and quiet Captain Hans was trying to up-hold his position as class-president and pipe everyone down for the teacher's arrival. Everyone did pipe down, but not because of the Captain's (rather pointless) efforts; they all let aside whatever they were doing and sat nicely at their desks as soon as the Major entered the classroom.
He walked towards his desk, put his register on it and let his eyes roll around the entire room.
"Gutten Tag, kinder!" he cheerfully declared.
"Gutten Tag, Herr Profesor..."
„What's that, kinder? I hardly heard you. I hope no one has skipped over one of their three daily meals today. Now, let's try again, shall we? Gutten Tag, kinder!
"Gutten Tag, Herr Profesor!"
"That's much better!" beamed the Major, as he sat himself down.
The Doktor sighed, not nearly as peachy as his superior. He wondered for the umpteenth time where did he, a mad genius responsible for creating vampire soldiers the Major demanded for waging his war, fit in the actual wagging of said war. After all, fighting wasn't his strong point and military strategy gave him headaches. Nonetheless, he snuck a bookmark into his notes before putting them away and did his best to at least look attentive.
"Today" the Major began, in a tone oh so ominously pleasant, "we shall start a brand new chapter in our course of "Conquest and Carnage"!"
At that, the Major unrolled a detailed, geographic map of the country marked for conquest, while carrying on with his speech. Temporarily faced with the Major's back now, the rest of the class's interest was starting to grow, but only a notch more than the apathic Doktor's, mainly because they were curious to see the reason why they had to put an end to their previous, fun-filled activities.
"Today," he rebegan, now facing them directly, we are going to learn to conquer England!"
Rip van Winkle let out a barely contained squeal of delight. Schrödinger pouted grudgingly, since he still wanted to play paddy cake with Rip, the Captain was quiet as he usually was and Zorin let out an only slightly toned down groan. The Doktor sighed too, due to his apprehension about this lesson; something told him this day….
"But before we begin", said the Major, while he seated himself back to his desk, "I would like you kinder to submit your homework to my attention." And he brought his hands together near his face, expecting each student to bring their respective exercise books right at him.
The general mood inside the classroom grew identical to the atmosphere outside it… The mighty Captain tensed, the Doktor dove under the bench, Zorin's eyes widened with worry and Schrödinger whimpered as if having just been kicked. Rip, on the other hand, delighted as if just handed candy, produced a neat, colourful booklet from somewhere and practically skipped all the way to the Major's desk, onto which she laid her homework. The Major nodded his approval and dismissed her; he then turned his attention to the rest of his students, eyeing and smiling at them in a way that told them there was no way out of it.
After Rip, Schrödinger was next to react:
"Um, teacher…" he began, as he raised his hand high, "I, um,… forgot my exercise book at home…" He then offered the Major his sweetest, widest, sheepish smile, expecting clemency.
"Herr Schrödinger," the Major sighed, "didn't we agree the last time this happened that you would never forget your exercise book again?" With all his annoyance, Major still managed to smile.
"Well, I…" Schrödinger tried, scared senseless by the Major's smile.
"Go sit in the corner," ordered the Major, simultaneously pointing towards the designated corner, "and think about what we discussed."
Schrödinger pouted visibly, but got himself up, nonetheless, and dragged himself over in the dunce corner. The Doktor was busy rummaging in his own backpack, but still took the time to roll his eyes: yeah, sending Schrödinger to sit in the corner, that was going to be mightily effective… Lord knew he tried everything he could think of to get that catboy to be more obedient and making him sit in some corner was less than useless.
"And after class," the Major went on, addressing Schrödinger, "write on the blackboard, 1000 times, «I shall never forget my notebook ever again!»"
Now in the corner, his face hidden from view, Schrödinger visibly cringed and squeaked in a way that would make one think he was going to choke. The Doktor could not help himself from smiling; making Schrödinger fill the blackboard like that miiight just work, might just work indeed…
The Captain had, in the meantime, recovered and found his own notebook; he was about to get up and deliver it to the teacher. While the Major's attention was still directed at Schrödinger, Zorin was racking her brains how to save her own ass. She barely recalled where her own exercise book was, let alone what the last assignment had been. She knew for a fact that her homework was not done… therefore, she had to count on someone else's…
The Captain's was out of the question, he was already holding on to his notebook; but the Doktor's grade A+ homework was as tempting as it was accessible. With his face still buried in his backpack, looking for an exercise book that was obviously not there, Dok left his notebook, with his homework in his desk… within Zorin's reach. Swift as a cat, she leaned over her desk, reached into Dok's desk… and snatched the lucky notebook. The Doktor straightened in his place, gave Zorin a dirty look, but since he didn't catch her red handed, all he could do was go back to his rummaging when she shrugged at him.
Once he let her out of his sight, she quickly produced her own exercise book cover, slipped the Doktor's notebook out of his cover, then wrapped the prized booklet in her own cover. She barely finished the job when the Captain walked past her.
"Hey, Cap!" She called out to him, as relaxed and as confident as she could be. "Take this to the teacher for me, will ya?"
The Captain was caught a bit off guard, but still complied.
The Doktor smiled so wide when Zorin handed the Captain the booklet… he had been busy searching his backpack so thoroughly for good reason; two good reasons, actually: one, to direct Zorin's attention away from him, two, to actually retrieve his good exercise book from the bottom of his backpack, carefully hidden away among other books. He put the cover with his name on it over the good notebook and lazily stretched his arm towards the Captain.
"Hey, Cap!" he called out as smug as he could be. "Take this to the teacher for me too, will you?"
Seeing the notebook being passed from one hand into another and Dok smirking in that tale-tell way made Zorin's heart plummet: if Dok's notebook had been with him all along… then what did she just hand over to her teacher for homework?!
When Hans approached his desk, the Major took all three exercise books, then dismissed the Captain. Occupied with Schrödinger or not, he caught sight of Zorin's little stunt, alright, but decided to play along for a little bit to…, how do the British call it?... give Zorin enough rope to hang herself with, ho, ho, ho, what a lovely saying it was… Zorin's exercise book, or what she advertised as her exercise book, was the first one he looked into. He only had to see the first page to get enough of the "rope" he needed for Zorin.
"Frau Joleene?" he asked, in the gentlest of tones.
"Y-Yes?... Sir?" she nervously replied, as she sat up in her bench. Since there no longer was any point in hiding her shenanigan, there was no point in hiding her sense of dread either.
"Would you care to explain something for me?" the Major requested.
"Explain what, Sir?
"Since when did you start taking an interest in anatomy, dissection and vivisection?" and just as he formulated his question, he turned the opened booklet towards the class, with the (rather gory) illustrations, schematics and explanations. The question was, of course, a rhetorical one, since there was no way of talking herself out of it…
"After class, come see me in my office, Fraulein Zorin." The Major then put the anatomy booklet away, to be handed back to its rightful owner after class. He then began perusing the exercise books to check on the correctitude of his students' homework.
The Doktor felt confident that the hardest part of the period had passed, so he leaned himself against in his seat. Zorin, though, refused to let him get away with his little trick.
"Just wait till class is over, Dok," she hissed into his ear menacingly, "and I'll, I'll…!"
"You'll what…" the Major asked, lifting his eyes out of the notebook he was reading, with the light reflecting into his glasses in an unnerving way "…Frau Joleene?"
"I'll…." For a second there, the Doktor thought she had swallowed her tongue. But the Lieutenant recovered fast, enough to answer "I'll… never, ever do such a thing again!" with thinly veiled bitterness.
The Doktor, on the other hand, could hardly contain his delight! Class had barely just begun, yet he felt better about himself than he ever did! At this rate, he might actually get to like this class. Major, seeing the visible improvement in the Doktor's mood, knew just the right direction in which he could direct the Doktor's good humour.
"Now that we're through with the homework," he declared, as he got up and directed the class' attention back to the map, "we can get on with out little plan of world conquest!"
"Yeeeey! Squealed the delighted Rip. The not so delighted Doktor failed to understand her enthusiasm…
"Before we commence the actual invasion," lectured the Major "we have to take into account all possible obstacles and act with them in mind at all time! Now, can anyone name one major obstacle in the way of our glorious conquest?"
"Me, me, me, me, me!" began Rip almost right away, vigorously waving her hand in the air, practically bursting to give the answer.
"Frau Memememe," the Major said "we should give other students a chance to prove themselves, other students liiike…" he went on with blatant flourish "the good Doktor."
The good Doktor almost fell out of his seat. He almost forgot to sit up before he gave his answer; not like he had a good answer to give anyway… He barely had geographical knowledge concerning his own country, let alone a foreign one… And Zorin snickering loud enough for him to hear did not help him shake the feeling he was trapped.
"Um…" the Doktor could feel the cold sweat beginning to drip on his temples "can you please repeat the question again, Herr Professor?" he willed his voice not to waver and managed not to sound like he was inches away from panic.
"Can you identify a major obstacle in the way of invading Britain?" the Major asked, in a neutral voice.
The Doktor could only gulp. He, began racking his brains for something, anything…
"You're gonna get it now…" Zorin oh-so-helpfully whispered for him. This situation, so bright for him less than a minute ago, currently could not get any suckier… But that wasn't the only whisper he overheard.
"The sea…" Rip whispered in his direction. The Doktor almost turned to ask her what did she say, but caught himself just in time. With this unexpected means of salvation in sight (well, technically, within hearing range), the Doktor mentally sent Zorin to go f… herself and turn every bit of his attention towards Rip, trying, at the same time, not to give himself away.
"Water…" Rip whispered some more, "…surrounded…"
The Doktor cringed in his place and felt himself grow paler at the sound of the Major's voice. Rip, on the other hand, simply turned her attention towards her teacher, with a confused look on her face, as if she could not imagine why the sudden interest in her.
"Is there something you would like to share with the rest of the class?"
"Why yes," she answered in a tone so pleasant and so calm, the Doktor could not possibly imagine, given her situation, how she could possibly pull it off… "Britain is hard to conquer because it's surrounded by sea!"
The Doktor sighed, visibly relieved. Zorin glared at Rip, but she was so elated that she had finally given the correct answer, that she failed to take notice of too much around her. The Major was now debating whether to punish Rip for he snitching or to approve her valid response. He decided to accept Rip's answer, but not give her any points for it.
"That's right, Frau Rip…" he confirmed. "Britain is hard to conquer because it is surrounded by sea…"
While Rip's smile widened even more, the Doktor attempted to sit himself back down, assuming, hoping that the Major was done with him.
"Just a minute there, Herr Doktor!"
Herr Doktor froze.
"We can't abandon a campaign of conquest before we even begin it, now can't we?" That tone was so sweet it could almost be mistaken for encouragement. Zorin certainly felt encouraged… to torture the Doktor!
"No, Sir!" she agreed, getting more and more smug by the second. The Doktor felt the urge to remind her that not so long ago, when her ass that was in the sling, she was nowhere near as brave as she was now, but before he could give into it, the Major went on with the interrogatory.
"So now that we have identified the main obstacle, how can we overcome it, Herr Doktor?"
When the Doktor was unable to produce so much as a peep, let alone an answer, the Major felt generous enough to give him some hints.
"Can we send in our troops?" the Major asked, rhetorically.
"N-no, Sir." The Doktor responded; even he knew enough to know that ground troops were out of the question in this case.
"Can we send in submarines, then?" the major continued.
The Doktor gave this suggestion a thought. Technically, they could, but something told him they could only do that much with water-dependant war-machines…
"Well, then?" the Major asked. "What is there for us to do?"
By this point, the Doktor could feel himself panic; forget the cold sweat and the nervous ticks, he felt himself begin to shake and his gaze began to dart from one corner of the room to another.
Rip couldn't risk helping him out once again, the Captain was stoically waiting for the denouement, while Zorin had all but started to celebrate the Doktor's doom… His gaze darting around, something floating in the sky caught his eye. It was a blimp, an ordinary one at that, floating in the air, like a cloud, trailing some banner behind it hailing the Fhurer. That's when it his him.
"The Zeppelins!" the Doktor exclaimed.
This answer coming from him was so unexpected, everyone was caught by surprised. The Captain's eyes widened, Rip was gasping in awe and Zorin almost fell out of her seat. Even the Major faltered, but only for a bit.
"Um, do develop…"
Up to then, talking to the Doktor had been like pulling teeth; now he couldn't keep his mouth shut.
"We can use the zeppelins! To carry bombs! Which we could drop all over Britain and destroy their defences! If that doesn't get them to surrender, after the bombing, the vampire soldiers we'll then throw at them certainly will!"
The Major couldn't be any way other than impressed.
"Well done, Doktor!" he earnestly praised. "That's the best plan suggested all day. The best plan ever suggested, actually. You deserve an A+!"
Zorin's jaw dropped to the floor, but by now no one cared about her anymore. The Captain was still stone stoic. The Doktor almost squealed with delight when the Major noted the excellent grade and signed his grade book; Rip squealed, period. She then skipped over to Dok's desk just as he was heading back to it, returning from the teacher's desk with his good result.
"Nice job there, Dok!" she beamed.
"Thanks, Fraulein! Actually, I should be thanking you for… argh!... uh!"
His show of gratitude was cut short by Rip herself, who locked onto him in a death-grip hug.
"You're the best there is!" she went on.
"And you're squeezing the life outta me!"
And so ended another wondrous day at the wondrous Millennium Elementary for Vampire Freaks! Which goes to show you that even crazed, fictional freak Nazis can be funny enough to earn a happy ending!