This actually came to me as I was fuming over my poor deleted story. Warning: this is a crack-fic, okay?


"Am not!"

"Oh yeah you are."

"Am not!"

"Nuh uhh, yer lying."

"I'm not lying!"

"Ok, then. Who was it?"

"Wha...what kind of question is that? That's none of your business!"

"Oooh all defensive, aren't we? You're totally a virgin."

"Am not! Gah!"

Two figures collided with a solid smack, the orange-haired kid raining fists on the one below him. Insults were hurled, more punches thrown, then the other boy finally managed to flip them over to straddle his friend's thighs to return the favor, his mussed baby blue locks sticking out in a thousand directions.

"Get. Off. Me! Grimmjow you stupid fucktard!" cried the skinnier of the two, now having to defend his face from the teen pinning him to the ground. He twisted, bucking his hips to throw the larger teen off of him, but it just wasn't enough.

Grimmjow cackled madly, his lips stretched into a triumphant grin as he planted his butt down firmly on top of his scowling friend. "Ain't movin' until you own up," he said, crossing his arms over his chest.

"This is not fair!" the other boy protested, his arms flailing in an attempt to push Grimmjow away, only to have his wrists restrained at his sides. "I hate you!"

Grimmjow cocked an eyebrow in amusement. "Childish much?" he taunted, his smile widening. He knew it, Ichigo had never gotten any - or given any, for that matter - in all of his eighteen years. The way the kid's face turned a shade of bright crimson had confirmed it, except Ichigo was too stubborn to simply admit it. Not that it's a big deal - eighteen was still young after all - but his friend's competitive streak apparently extended far enough to include their sexual prowess.

Ichigo grunted and gave one last powerful heave, and this time Grimmjow did topple over, only because he was too busy laughing to fight back. Smoothing his hair back with a red-knuckled hand, Ichigo sat up and punched Grimmjow hard on the bicep. "God, you're such an asshole!" He shot the larger teen a dark look, his pride stung a little. He knew that Grimmjow knew he was right, and there was nothing he could do about it. So what if he was a virgin? It wasn't like he would earn a badge for not being one, but god it was annoying to see Grimmjow parade his sexy ass around like he was the most experienced male in the world.

"So you wanna lose it?"

Ichigo was sure he heard it wrong, but the challenging smirk on his friend's face was unmistakable.

"What the...how?" The question was out below Ichigo could shut his own traitorous mouth, and now he could only brace himself for Grimmjow's inevitably-stupid idea. He always had the worst ideas, which, unfortunately, usually ended up in Ichigo's demise.

"Like..." Grimmjow's hand suddenly shot out. "...this."

The sudden grab at his crotch was so unexpected that Ichigo completely froze. He stared down at his friend's hand in shock, unable to comprehend that Grimmjow literally had his balls. A few seconds later it finally clicked, and Ichigo yelled so loudly that Grimmjow winced and let go at once.

"What the fuck what the fuck!" Ichigo exclaimed as his backpedaled away, his cheeks red hot all of a sudden. The contact instantly brought to his attention something that he'd been fervently ignoring: he was half-hard after all that grappling with his best friend. It wasn't like he even liked Grimmjow, it was just a natural biological reaction, okay?

"C'mon, quit lying to yerself," the blue-haired teen purred, eyes narrowing into evil slits as he crawled towards Ichigo. "I know you've been wanting me for a while now," he continued, chuckling inwardly when Ichigo's eyes widened. "The way you blush whenever we accidentally bump into each other, the way you not-so-secretly ogle at me in the locker room...I'd have to be fucking blind not to notice that, ya know."

Ichigo wished the ground would just open up and swallow him whole.

"Besides," Grimmjow went on, ignoring the fact that his friend looked about ready to spontaneously combust. "I found a photo of me in your wallet."

"What!" Ichigo sputtered, his hand flying to his back pocket reflexively. "H-how'd you-" He was cut off by a shove that sent him sprawling on his back, and Grimmjow hovered over him.

"You handed your wallet to me, genius," Grimmjow said, leaning down so that their faces were only inches apart, then he mimicked Ichigo's voice. "'Hey Grimm, get ID for me will you? My hands are full.'"

Ichigo groaned at the memory. Of course, he'd asked Grimmjow to do that just last week, when they were at the checkout counter buying snacks for the class trip. What he didn't know was that Grimmjow had taken the chance to dig through his wallet, more out of boredom than anything else really.

"Wish you'd told me earlier," Grimmjow murmured, his breath tickling Ichigo's earlobe. "You have no idea how long I've been waiting for this...I wanted to tell you so badly but I didn't want to scare your scrawny ass off..."

"H-hypocrite," said Ichigo, shuddering as his best friend's body heat enveloped him. "You could've told me earlier too."

Grimmjow snorted and buried his face into Ichigo's neck. "Well I guess we're both idiots..."

Ichigo opened his mouth to retort, but whatever he'd meant to say dissolved the minute Grimmjow's tongue flicked out to lick the sensitive skin behind his ear. He let out a surprised gasp and his eyes fluttered closed on their own accord. A low moan rumbled from Grimmjow's chest in reply, and Ichigo began to run his hands along the strong, taut body on top of him. He may be inexperienced, but years of self exploration and imagination more than made up for it. Their first kiss was sloppy, full of tongue and teeth and frantic groping as they went along.

Unable to take it any longer, Grimmjow raised his hips and started to wriggle out of his pants single-handedly, his other arm too pre-occupied with Ichigo's hair. Beneath him, Ichigo took the cue to remove his clothes as well, squirming as he pulled his jeans off and kicked it away. Body thrumming with excitement, Ichigo stared up into Grimmjow's face and watched his friend's expression as he slid his hand lower, lower, lower, his palm skimming over smooth skin until his fingertips brushed over a tuft of coarse hair. Tucking his lower lip between his teeth, Ichigo raised his head to look down at the magnificent piece of-

"What the hell?"

Grimmjow got up onto his knees and stared down, mouth hanging open in disbelief, at his own crotch. Ichigo's hand was there, but beneath it, where Grimmjow's precious package should be, was a blurry blob, like an image that was out of focus. Blue and brown eyes met, wide and afraid.

"What...what's the meaning of this?" Grimmjow croaked, panic crawling up his throat.

Ichigo furrowed his brows in confusion. "Wait...it feels fine though!" He moved his hand experimentally, his fist wrapping around what felt like Grimmjow's cock. It felt normal, though not as hard as it'd been a moment ago. The shape and girth, the heat of the smooth skin...as far as Ichigo could tell, everything seemed normal. Except it...wasn't.

"Ahh shit, that feels good," Grimmjow moaned when he felt warm fingers stroke him. "But...but where'd it go? Why can't I see it?"

"I..." Ichigo's breath hitched as he felt his friend's flesh throb in his fist. "I have no idea." He wanted to freak out, but a hot-and-bothered Grimmjow was a huge distraction.

Feeling far more aroused than he should be under the circumstances, Grimmjow let out another groan, his body reacting naturally to Ichigo's touch despite his apprehension. "Oh, fuck, fuck, yes, like this," he muttered, clenching his eyes shut as Ichigo pumped harder. "Oh hell, shit, yeahhhh like that, yes!" Panting through parted lips, Grimmjow searched blindly for Ichigo, then, finding it, he wrapped his hand around the overheated flesh and began to stroke it feverishly. His body felt hot, the warmth in his belly spreading and pulsing through his limbs like raging fire.

"I want to feel you," Ichigo murmured, his back arching off the floor as he ground their hips together, Grimmjow's worrisome condition receding into the back of his mind.

Grimmjow groaned and moved his fist faster.

"No, not like that." Ichigo shook his head. He spread his legs and hooked one around Grimmjow's back, pulling the larger teen flush against his body and bucking up against Grimmjow suggestively.

Grimmjow's eyes flew open, his breath stolen away as he finally understood his friend's request. "O...okay, hang on," he panted, letting go of Ichigo and sitting back on his heels. Then, he gaped.

"Ichi! What the fuck is this?" Grimmjow practically wailed, pointing between Ichigo's legs.

Ichigo sat up and looked down, and promptly began to scream. "Where is it? Where'd it go?" He reached down and immediately sighed in relief when he felt himself. His equipment was intact, but all he saw was a pixelated square where it was supposed to be.

"What the fuck is going on?" Grimmjow pawed at his own crotch, frowning in confusion. "It's like...it's like..."

"Like those censored pictures in porn!" Ichigo cried suddenly, eyes widening. He looked from Grimjow's obscured groin to his own and began to wiggle his hips. The blurry mosaic pattern followed his movements, effectively blocking his view of his withering length. "See? See!"

Grimmjow's eyebrows twitched. "What...who'd want to censor this shit?"

"How the fuck would I know?" Ichigo shot back, scowling. He was pissed. The mood had been ruined, and he'd been so close too!

Grimmjow growled, looking just as annoyed but for a completely different reason. "Hell, you gonna just stop here? I'm not done yet!" With that, he pounced on Ichigo, knocking him onto his back. Bending over him, he pressed their lips together, pulling Ichigo into a deep kiss that left the slimmer teen gasping for breath.

Within seconds, Ichigo was squirming and moaning beneath Grimmjow again, his need surfacing once more as Grimmjow marked him with kisses and bites all over his neck and shoulder. "Hurry!" he whispered, wrapping his legs around Grimmjow's waist. "Need you now!"

Grimmjow muttered a curse, something about Ichigo being a demanding bitch, and hastily got to his knees. Grimacing slightly, he spat into his palm to slick up his fingers, then he reached down to-

"Fuck," he muttered at Ichigo's very-pixelated ass. But he quickly recovered and resorted to search for the opening with his fingers. After fumbling a few times, he finally managed to ease one of them into Ichigo's welcoming heat. As Ichigo moaned and writhed, one finger escalated quickly to three, and soon Grimmjow had himself positioned at approximately where he thought Ichigo's entrance was at. Holding his breath, he gave one tentative push.

"Owww! Where do you think you're going?"

"Goddamnit, hold still!" Grimmjow grabbed his friend's hips and shifted, using his hand to guide himself. Then, feeling pretty confident that he had it right this time, he pressed in again.

Ichigo jerked up like a startled rabbit. "Watch it!" he growled. "I'd tell you that you've got the wrong hole, except there is only one hole!"

Grimmjow pursed his lips and crossed his arms over his chest. "Well, you do it then."

"Fine!"

They swapped places; Grimmjow lying on his back while Ichigo straddled his hips. Tongue sticking out in concentration, Ichigo hovered over the blurry blob that was Grimmjow's crotch and lowered himself. He quickly found that it was harder than he thought to put two components together when they seemed to be everywhere yet nowhere at the same time. The first attempt ended up with him nearly jumping off in pain, the second one saw their heads colliding because they both tried to see what went wrong at the same time, and by the fourth Ichigo was so tired that he could hardly raise himself up anymore. Of course, it didn't help that he was inexperienced in the first place.

They tried switching again, with Ichigo on all fours and Grimmjow behind him. Every time Grimmjow thought he hit the jackpot, the angle would be wrong and Ichigo would cry out in pain, causing him to slip out, and then he'd have to search for it all over again. After several more painful pokes and exchanging at least a dozen more insults, Grimmjow finally gave up and collapsed on Ichigo's back.

"Fuck this shit."

"Yeah," Ichigo agreed, plopping down onto the floor miserably.

"Seriously, what the fuck, man."

"Uh huh."

"I mean, don't get us all worked up and then pull this shit on us!"

"Yeah, this totally blows."

A beat of silence went by as the two boys mulled over Ichigo's choice of words, then Grimmjow's grin widened.

"Wanna go fuck somewhere else?"


The End.

No, I'm not moving off of ffnet (yet), but I have been posting more of my stuff to AO3 lately, same pen name as I have here. I can also be found on LJ as honey_mellon if anyone's interested. ^_^