Holy crow, it's been a long time...
But I'll talk about that at the end, I guess XD
This is Kyman, because I can't write anything without turning it gay.
Rated for language, and maybe a little bit of some boy on boy but I'm not telling. ;o
The first time it happened, they were only nine.
Cartman was spouting nonsense as per usual and Kyle was giving him hell about it. Stan and Kenny remained undecided and Kyle was left to defend his own pride.
"I'm telling you guys," Cartman says, hopping into his desk. "You're totally paralyzed when you sleep. It's totally awesome and cool and sometimes you can wake up and not be able to move."
"I move in my sleep all the time," Kyle says with a glare and Cartman just scoffs.
"That's because you're technically awake, Kyle, so it doesn't count."
They spend the entire day of school arguing over who's right and who's wrong. When Kyle goes home the first thing he does is get on his computer and open Internet Explorer. He heads to Google, types in what he needs, and spends an hour researching the web.
It's not until three hours later that he realizes what he has to do. He'd worked through dinner, until the pale blue sky over South Park changed to hues of pink and orange and purple and the hour was rolling over to seven o'clock. He pulls on his orange coat and his shoes and leaves his house.
When you sleep, your brain shuts down or something, from what he gathered, and it leaves your body paralyzed as a side effect. There have been cases where people have woken up too quickly and been stuck in their paralyzed state for anywhere from seconds to hours.
He walks to Cartman's house with his eyes locked on the sidewalk beneath his feet and his gloved hands tucked into the warmth of his coat pockets. He steps onto the porch and takes a deep breath before he hits the doorbell and just waits.
He can hear Cartman inside ("Mom, get the goddamn door!") and thinks about turning around, pretending he never looked any of it up. His conscience wouldn't let him live it down. If he walked away now, he would argue with Cartman tomorrow, the next day, the day after—until Cartman forgot about it, which wouldn't be for a long time.
So instead of ignoring the nagging feeling of being wrong like a proud jerk, he lifted his head to meet Cartman's eyes. "You were right," he says. "You were right about being paralyzed while you sleep."
Cartman's blue eyes almost lit up like a fire at hearing the words and Kyle was wishing he didn't say them, just so that satisfaction was never given to him. "Say again, Kyle?" the brunet says, cupping a hand around his ear. Kyle doesn't fuss or put up a fight, just quietly repeats the words that he knows Cartman loves to hear.
"You were right, Cartman."
"There is no way, fatass!" It's ten in the morning and Kyle has already been forced to restrain himself and that's not even okay. No one should have to get so worked up at ten in the morning. Especially not because of an asshole like Cartman.
No one should even have to know Cartman. It's unhealthy.
"I'm serious," Cartman huffs back. Eleven years old my ass, Kyle thinks, this fucker acts like he's four. "Hippos kill more people every year than sharks!"
He's never seen a hippo in real life, and he only hopes he never sees a shark in real life either, but his mind isn't sitting with Cartman's words. A hippopotamus, a big grey squishy blob that always looked so cuddly in coloring books, definitely can't kill more than a shark. A fucking shark. It doesn't make any sort of sense.
So he goes about his day trying to think of any way that a hippo could even be half as dangerous as a shark, and when he can't, he believes he's won. Logically, it doesn't sound right, so he can't be wrong. But just in case, he takes his seat in science with Cartman at his back, and the second he hears the bell he raises his hand.
Mrs. Hardwick acknowledged his question and gave him a nod as to say "ask away", so he sits up in his desk. "Ma'am is it true that hippos kill more people than sharks do?" he asks, and for a second the woman looks confused.
She smiles at him though, after a few minutes. "Actually, believe it or not, the hippopotamus is actually very aggressive by nature. It's very territorial, and protective of what it claims possession of," she says. "Many lives have been lost to hippos; nearly twice as many lives compared to that of what sharks have taken. So yes, they kill more than sharks do."
And there it is; the pang of loss in his chest as he repeats the words over and over in his mind. It feels like a punch to the lungs. He can feel his desk shaking under the pressure of Cartman's legs from behind him, trying to get on his nerves, trying to rattle him and he's only going to accept one loss today. He won't let Cartman win twice.
He keeps his cool and turns to Cartman after Hardwick turns away to begin her lesson. "You were right," he sighs, and Cartman gives a hum of appreciation.
Kyle decides that Chemistry is literally the most impossible class ever. There are impossibly long formulas about periodic elements and how they combine with other elements to make different things, experiments that have blown up on Butters twice, and chemical compounds that usually just get Kenny high.
No one is passing the class, as far as he knows. He's failing, with an overall average of fifty-two, Stan isn't any better, and Kenny hasn't been above a fifty since the first day. Even Wendy wasn't passing, and she was the smartest student in their grade.
So when Cartman approaches them after class and is smiling, Kyle doesn't understand why. Report cards go out this afternoon and no one from Chemistry should even be close to smiling. He already heard Butters getting nervous about it all, and there's no doubt in his mind that the kid won't be hanging out for at least another two months.
Kyle's parents wouldn't ground him, just break his legs and take away everything he cares about. If he's lucky.
"Hey Kyle," Cartman says, sliding up to the group. He drags Kyle's name out and the sound makes the redhead shudder and his eyebrows instantly pull together. It's a natural reaction. Anyone's default mood around Cartman is pissed off. "How'd you do in Chem?" he asks. He's looking around the hallway, trying to be nonchalant.
"Fuck off," Kyle says, and walks a little faster.
"I'm serious, I wanna know!" the brunet says, and almost has to jog to keep up.
"Why? You're failing, too."
"I am not."
"I swear, I'm not, I have an A!"
"Dude, no way," Stan says, and Cartman just nods at him. Kenny doesn't seem to care, which isn't much of a surprise, but when Stan looks genuinely impressed it only ticks Kyle off more.
"He's obviously lying," Kyle says, and folds his arms over his chest. "Even Wendy didn't pass. Just give it up, asshole." Stan looks less impressed and Cartman's smirk falters for half a second. Kyle feels a little victorious for the same amount of time it takes Cartman to regain his composure.
"How about we go visit Jameson?" the brunet says, and he hooks an arm over Kyle's shoulders.
He steers the redhead back and catches Mr. Jameson just as he's packing up the last of his papers. The lights in the classroom are off, save for a lamp on Jameson's desk, and it smells like nail polish remover when they walk in. "Mr. Jameson," Cartman calls, his arm still around Kyle as they squeeze through the doorframe.
"Eric, Kyle, how can I help you?" Jameson asks with a smile.
"Mr. Jameson, can I ask exactly what my grade average is, as of this point in time?" Cartman says, and Jameson is opening up the middle drawer of his desk not even a minute later.
He flips through a green spiral notebook until he comes to a page bookmarked with a red pen and slides his pointer finger down the page. Kyle listens to the paper crinkling under the weight of the man's finger as he mumbles to himself. "Eric," he begins. Kyle can feel Cartman's grip tighten around his shoulders and he clenches his jaw. "As of right now, your average is a ninety-one. Excellent job."
Cartman thanks Jameson and then turns Kyle around and leads him out the door to where Stan and Kenny are waiting. The blond is leaning against the lockers and tossing a manila envelope around in his hands, probably debating on whether to throw it out or try and see if his parents will even bother to look at it. Stan is next to him, playing on his iPod.
When the two of them walk out, Stan is the first to look up. "He wasn't lying," Kyle sighs, and Cartman is smug. Grossly smug. If Kyle could feed off of smugness he'd never have to eat food again after this. "He's got an A."
"I'm sorry, Kyle, what was that? Did you just say I was right?" Cartman asks. Kyle pulls out of the brunets hold and storms down the hallway until he's out of the school.
He's not gonna say the fatass was right.
After the first announcement of the new game there were commercials, and after commercials there were just two weeks of waiting. The new Elder Scrolls game, Skyrim, was being released soon. Kyle wanted it. Everyone wanted it, but Kyle wanted it because Cartman wanted it.
And it looked awesome, he supposed.
He wanted to get it the second it came out, wanted to have it before Cartman so he could rub it in his face. So he sat outside the GameStop in the mall on the day it was released, waiting for the doors to open and lead him to his taunting glory. Cartman would so cry.
Speaking of Cartman, the idiot was nowhere in sight. Kyle took a deep breath and smiled to himself as the mechanical whir of the doors slid open with a greeting chime and he stepped inside. There were TV monitors on, blaring the Skyrim theme and playing scenes of gameplay and he almost bounced with excitement.
He was the first in, the first with the game, and the first out; and he was going straight to Cartman's house.
He walked down the street at a fast pace. The cold morning air nipped at his face and left his eyes tearing up, his cheeks tinged pink and lips parted as he breathed out. His breath came in a puff, then another one, and another, and he realized he'd started running.
The thundering in his ears was drowned out by his determination to see Cartman lose his shit and he didn't stop running until he was on the doorstep, waiting for the door to swing open. It didn't take long before Cartman was right there, hair a mess like he'd just woken up. "Kyle it's nine in the morning," is all he says and Kyle is too out of breath to respond with more than a nod.
He holds up the game case and his smile is wicked for all of a second before he realizes. Cartman is holding an Xbox controller. A sleek white controller ruined only by Cartman's stupid hand and Kyle can feel his smile dropping when he hears the music. The music. The music from GameStop, the Skyrim theme.
His heart falls and he absentmindedly lifts the game in his hand without attempting to talk. "Oh, me too," Cartman says and points to his TV. "Sweet game, but I don't think Jews will like it. You guys all suck balls."
Kyle can't even respond to the comment, he just huffs and glares. "You weren't supposed to have this first," he says, and Cartman shrugs.
"I preordered mine. Even got a cool poster with it," he smirks, and Kyle all but growls at him.
After that, he ends up at Cartman's house all day long. Stan and Kenny eventually show up, and Butters does too, though it wasn't planned. They pile in the living room and all try to squeeze on the couch while Cartman is on the floor with his face nearly pressed against the screen.
Any closer and he'd be in the game, and Kyle would be lying if he said he wasn't wishing for it. That asshole wouldn't last a minute in the game.
"Hey guys, did you know there are invisible chests in the game? Loaded with the coolest shit," the brunet says and Kyle rolls his eyes.
"Oh boy, really Eric?" Butters asks, and he nearly jumps off the couch to sit at Cartman's side. "Can you show us one?"
Kyle snorts and crosses his arms before he gets more comfortable on the couch. "Don't egg him on, he's obviously lying. Why would they put invisible chests in the game?" Cartman only huffs and turns back to the redhead.
"Duh, why else?" he says, before he turns back. He opens the world map and chooses to travel to a place called Dawnstar. "So greedy Jews like you can't find them and take it all." The loading screen is showing a dragon and text words are in the bottom right corner but Kyle doesn't read them.
Instead he watches as the world loads and Cartman's character is standing on a stone path in the snow. Naturally, the fatass is a burly looking Orc and wielding a battleaxe. Cartman steers his Orc through the pathways of Dawnstar, passes by a lot of people, until he comes to a stop just outside what looks like a mine.
"Bet me," he says and extends his arm back to point at Kyle without turning back to look at him. "If there is a chest here, which there is, and it's invisible, which it is, you have to give me twenty bucks."
Kyle has that sinking feeling, like a rock formed in his gut and is sitting there to weigh him down. He swallows. It doesn't leave. Cartman is looking at him now, all smug and fat and stupid and it's annoying. He can feel his anger rise like a fire and he glares. "Fine, you're on," Kyle says, and he ignores Kenny rolling his eyes and Stan scrubbing a hand over his face.
"Alright Kyle, better have cash," Cartman says and turns back to the screen. His Orc goes into first person and walks to a pair of rocks just outside the mine, and sure enough the option "search chest" appears.
He goes into it and finds all the armor he could ever need, soul gems, potions, other miscellaneous things, and Kyle is pulling out his wallet before the brunet can even turn around. It doesn't even make sense. Invisible chests, really? The creators either really wanted to fuck with people or they forgot to put the coding in or something. He really doesn't know.
But he also really doesn't care because he lost twenty bucks and that was nearly all he had left. He hands over the bill and grabs his copy of Skyrim before he leaves Cartman's house. Son of a bitch, he was right.
They're fifteen years old now, acting like they're five again.
Kyle is on one side of the classroom with half of the class, including Kenny, backing him up, and Cartman is on the other side with Stan and the other half of the class. Kyle has Clyde, he has Craig, Tweek, Jimmy and others, and Cartman has Wendy, Bebe, Token, Timmy, and Kevin.
And Butters is in between it all, standing at the front of the classroom and rubbing his knuckles together as he shifts in his spot. "Gee, fellas, we should just wait for Mr. Garrison to settle this," he says, and both Kyle and Cartman roll their eyes.
"Butters, get the fuck on my side, you know I'm right," Cartman spits out, crossing his arms and glaring at the blond.
"Fuck off, asshole, why can't you just admit you're wrong?" Kyle shoots back.
"Oh shut up, Kyle, you're the one who's wrong!" Wendy shouts, and then the whole class is bickering again.
It's not even for the sake of the argument anymore that they keep fighting. It's a matter of pride, stubbornness, and just overall wanting to be right. So when Mr. Garrison finally walks in, everyone turns to him. "Alright, take your seats," he says. It's routine. He did it when he taught them in fourth grade and he hasn't stopped, even now that they're in tenth.
When he looks up, he sees everyone in their seats but Butters, and the desks are pushed apart and leave a gap between them that's filled with tension. "Um, Mr. Garrison," Butters says. "Can you settle a little dispute between Kyle and Eric?"
Mr. Garrison rolls his eyes and sighs and Kyle doesn't blame him in the slightest. If Cartman stopped acting like an ass, Kyle would too, but since that day will never come, they're always gonna disagree and it's always gonna cause problems. He wants the fighting between them to stop as much as everyone else.
"Alright, what seems to be the problem," Garrison asks with a sigh, and Butters speaks before Kyle can even open his mouth.
"Well, Kyle here says that Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean and discovered America all by himself, but Eric says that he was, and pardon my language, an asshole who stole the land from the Indians," Butters says, and the whole class goes silent as they wait for Garrison to answer.
The man only sighs. "Did you kids learn nothing in all your years of history?" he asks, and Kyle looks expectant. He pays more attention to history in one class than Cartman ever has in his whole life. He's got this in the bag. "Now, the books say Christopher Columbus sailed the ocean blue in the year 1492, and he came and discovered America.
"But they never said anything about the Native Americans that already lived here. So, yes, Eric, in theory, Christopher Columbus was an asshole who claimed America for his own and took it from the Indians. Now can we all knock off this off?" Garrison finishes and goes to his desk to rearrange the papers on it.
Cartman's side starts to cheer and Kyle can only manage to look shocked while the rest of his team looks upset, even angry. "You were right…," Kyle says, and Cartman only nods.
"I know, Kyle, I know," he says, and gives the redhead a pat on the back. Coming from anyone else, the gesture might have been comforting.
"Hey guys," Cartman says one day. They're all lying around Stan's room. The raven-haired teen was tuning his guitar on his bed while Kenny read a magazine and Kyle used the computer. Cartman was making paper footballs and flicking them around the room. "You know what they call Jewish faggots?"
Kyle feels his jaw clench and his grip on the mouse tightens. He doesn't want to hear any of this. After they turned sixteen, Cartman vowed to give up his insults toward Kyle and move on to be more mature. No one thought it would last but now, over a year later, Cartman breaks the flow.
"Kyle," he says after a minute and chuckles to himself.
"You really don't have anything better than that," Kyle says, and Cartman shrugs.
"Been a while, I need to get back into swing," the brunet says, and smirks when Kyle turns away from the computer to humor him.
"Or you can not do that, and actually be some sort of nice to me, like you have been for the last year." Cartman almost looks thoughtful and Kyle thinks maybe he's considering it, but with another shrug Cartman drops the conversation.
The room falls back into silence except for a few strums of Stan's guitar from time to time. Kyle shuts down the computer and turns back to the group. He doesn't say anything, just watches them. Stan is absorbed in his music, Kenny would rather die than take his nose out of his magazine, and Cartman is lining up another paper football.
The brunet flicks the triangle and it hits Kyle in the forehead. "Dammit, Cartman," he hisses, picking up the paper and throwing it back at the brunet.
"Dude, it's paper," Cartman says with a laugh and picks the football up before he flicks it at Kyle again.
"Knock it off," the redhead says. He throws it back.
Cartman shakes his head and flicks another one, accompanied by a half-hearted "Jew fag."
"You know what, Cartman, I think you tease me so much because you like me," Kyle says, and he can't believe he even said it. Cartman looks as stunned as he feels. "I bet you do like me."
"Gross, fag," Cartman spouts and flicks another football.
Cartman laughs again and Kenny looks up and huffs. "Will you two just fuck already and get it over with?" he says, and he looks so serious that Kyle actually flinches at the words. Both he and Cartman are both watching Kenny like the kid sprouted a second head.
"Yeah, seriously," Stan says. "Your sexual tension is really fucking annoying."
They sit in silence for what feels like forever before Kenny starts to pack up. "I'm out," he says, tucking his magazine under his arm and stuffing his hands into his pockets. He heads out and Stan follows, saying he'll walk him home or something like that.
Kyle doesn't wait around. He's the next to head for the door but is stopped by it slamming in his face. And then Cartman is there, one hand plastered against the wood and leaning close into his space and it's freaking him out only a lot.
His chest feels like it's being squeezed and his heart has practically jumped to his throat. He can hear the beating getting faster and he tries to swallow the feeling but it doesn't leave. Son of a bitch, he's not supposed to feel like this, not with Cartman around.
Not when Cartman is the reason.
He pulls himself together to manage a "what's your problem, fatass?" but gets no response. Cartman is taller now, taller than himself and standing at probably six feet, so he has to look up slightly when he doesn't hear anything.
He's liked Cartman since the kid first threw an insult at him. He's probably some sort of masochist, but he liked the challenge. Liked the opposition Cartman brought. It doesn't help that with time, Cartman lost most of his weight and actually gained some muscle. Kyle wouldn't ever admit that the brunet had been the star of many of his dreams.
Fuck off, he thinks, I don't need thoughts like you. Everyone always said they could picture him hooking up with Stan, but no one ever even thought about Cartman.
He's snapped out of his thoughts when there's a hand on his neck. It's warm, and leaves a trail of heat when it moves. It glides up his neck and to the back of his head where fingers tangle in his curls. Cartman knocks his hat off and let's both of his hands fist in Kyle's hair, tugging until Kyle let's his head fall back.
His lips part and there's a breath of air that leaves him and he lets his eyes close. Shit, this really isn't supposed to feel good, what the fuck. Cartman scrapes his teeth over Kyle's throat and his breath hitches. He pulls out of the brunet's grasp and tries his best to glare but it's probably not working. "Dude, piss off," Kyle hisses.
"Fuck no," Cartman says, and then he's pushing forward and crushing their lips together.
It's a mess of hot breath and teeth catching on lips and it hurts and Kyle pulls away before he busts a lip or something. "You suck at kissing," the redhead says, and Cartman huffs. He grabs Kyle's face again and makes him look forward. He leans in again, this time slowly, and kisses Kyle with a little more innocence.
There are a few gentle kisses before Cartman is parting his lips and urging Kyle to do the same. And then they're moving together, with less teeth and still a lot of breath, and fuck that was a tongue. It remains delicate enough that their tongues just shy around each other but then Cartman is pressing him back against the door and his hands are everywhere and Kyle can breathe but he can't breathe.
Cartman's tongue catches on the back of his front teeth and he groans and the brunet pulls away like he's offended. "Fuck, no, wait," Kyle says and he shifts and pulls off his jacket that was half on in the first place and he presses back into Cartman so hard that they stumble away from the door. His hands are in Cartman's hair and their mouths are clashing like they weren't just calmly kissing a few minutes ago.
Cartman is slipping out of his sweatshirt and tossing it to the ground before his hands move and they're grabbing Kyle by the waist. His nails are blunt and they're digging into his hips and he doesn't care that it's definitely going to bruise. He's kissing Cartman, Cartman is kissing back, and he never thought that his happiest moment would actually have anything to do with Cartman.
And then they're moving. Cartman pushes them back until Kyle slams against the door and he can feel pleasure surge through him like a cold wind and he moans, breathy and straight into Cartman's mouth and that just makes the brunet groan in response. They pull away from the kiss and Cartman looks like he just woke up and it's strangely exciting?
Cartman moves until his lips latch onto Kyle's throat and he's biting until he's sure it'll leave a mark before he laps his tongue over the spot. He feels like his skin is on fire and he's going to explode and he can't do anything but hold onto Cartman's shoulders as the brunet lifts Kyle's shirt up and off.
The door is cold against his back and reality hits him for only a second (shit, Stan is gonna come back, he's gonna see us, shit, shit, shit, what do I do?!) but then it's gone when there's a warmth covering his nipple and teeth biting lightly. He hums and Cartman's nails dig into his hips again and he almost laughs at how easily he can set the brunet off.
And then Cartman pulls back and pulls off his own shirt and presses them together from hip to chest before he takes Kyle's lips again and rocks against him. Kyle doesn't hold back his moan and Cartman responds with an obvious tent in the front of his jeans and time seems to slow. He can't hear his heart anymore and it feels like he's falling and about to hit the ground and he feels the bed beneath him before he even felt them moving.
Cartman's hands are on either side of his head and he's pressing his hips down until they slide against Kyle and can't feel anything but small shocks running under his skin. He grabs Cartman by the hips and wordlessly urges him to keep moving and the brunet gets the hint.
"On my bed, really?" Stan says, and Kyle is sure his heart is gone, leapt straight out of his chest and stuck to the moon as he meets the gazes of both Stan and Kenny.
"Told you they'd fuck," Kenny says with a laugh, and Kyle can't do anything other than hide his face with Stan's pillow.
"Fuck off," Cartman says and he flips them off and Kyle can hear Stan and Cartman arguing because Cartman wants to get shit done and Stan keeps saying he doesn't want "shit done" on his bed.
In the end, Stan wins, and Cartman and Kyle both end up kicked out and they're told to "screw somewhere else". They walk to Kyle's house in silence and Kyle doesn't even realize they're there until Cartman sighs loudly. His hands are in his sweatshirt pocket and he's looking everywhere but at Kyle. "You're home, go inside," he says, and Kyle fixes him with a look before he steps in.
He closes the door and oh, hello, his heart is back, glad to see you old friend, and it's beating wildly. He takes not even one step away from the door before there's a knock on it. He pulls it open and isn't surprised that Cartman is still standing there. "You were right," he says, and he's still not looking at him.
"About what?" Kyle asks, and he knows what he was right about, he just wants to hear Cartman say it.
This time, Cartman does meet his eyes and he huffs. "You were right about me liking you," he says.
Kyle is smiling at the brunet and he doesn't care if he looks stupid because, fuck, Eric Cartman just admitted he was wrong about something and that Kyle was right. After years of Kyle saying it to him, hearing Cartman say it back made his heart almost burst with a smug sort of joy. For once, he understood why Cartman loved being right all the time.
So Kyle laughs and he moves into the doorway where he kisses Cartman, a quick peck on the lips, and says "I know" before he goes back inside and shuts the door.
Cartman: 5, Kyle: 1—and surprisingly, that doesn't bother him.
Okay, so it has been a LONG time since I wrote something, I'm pretty sure.
And it's been even longer since I've written something AND completed it.
And even longer than longer since I've written something, completed it, AND wanted to publish it.
But here you go, some Kyman for my fellow Kyman shippers. I've been watching South Park like crazy recently and I have sailed on this ship since day one with absolutely no regrets. And last night I started this while thinking "I need to write some god damn Kyman".
It turned out pretty okay, I think. :)
Anywho, I hope it was enjoyable, and I'm sorry for my disappearance. I was actually hoping to continue with "And Heroes Never Die", but I stopped it so long ago that I can't even remember what I was going to do with it...
We'll see what the future brings.