SNL Celebrity Jeopardy: The Cartoon Edition

Rated T

Disclaimer: I do not own Saturday Night Live, the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches or any cartoons associated with Cartoon Network, Disney, Hub Network, Adult Swim or the likeliness of SNL-styled Sean Connery. Just to let you know.


Chapter 1: Applejack, Dan and Sean Connery

The Celebrity Jeopardy theme song was playing all throughout the studio. Three unlucky cartoon characters were standing next to their podiums, itching to play the second round. The host Alex Trebek was standing near the host's podium, looking dapper as ever.

"Welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy." Trebek sighed, "I could've brought my syringe needle for the occasion, but the producers didn't feel the need to have my death aired on national television. With that said, let's take a look at the scores. Applejack from 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic" is at 1st place with -10,000.

The camera shifted over to Applejack, who raised her hat as if she was saying hello?

"It's good to be back here, Trebek. Even Winona's good to be here!" Applejack exclaimed.

"Wynonna? You mean the country star?" Trebek said in surprise, looking around the studio, "Where is she?"

"I'm not talkin' about country music, Trebek! I'm talkin' about my dog!" Applejack said, staring down at the host's leg for some reason, "Looks like she's happy to see you!"

Alex Trebek then felt his leg being humped by Applejack's dog. He felt a little bothered by her since Winona was a girl dog. Trebek was trying to get Winona off of him, but she was sticking to him like gum.

"Can... can somebody get this bastard dog off of me?" Trebek said, still struggling to get Winona off of him.

Then finally, it took security personal to get Winona off of the host. Unfortunately the damage was done when Trebek looked down at his leg one more time.

"Oh, great... now she pissed on me. How family-friendly..." Trebek angrily sighed, "Moving on then. In second place with negative -30,000... Dan from 'Dan Vs.'"

The camera then shifted over to Dan, who didn't look very happy as a matter of fact. Unfortunately, there was never a dull moment where he would smile. Except getting his revenge on somebody.

"I hate everything in life!" Dan exclaimed, "I hate you, Trebek!"

"That's weird, it's just like my life, only more crappier." Trebek sighed yet again, "And of course... in third place with a shocking -250,000 points... Sean Connery."

The camera then pointed over to Alex Trebek's arch nemesis, Sean Connery. Only this time, he looked like his old self and not animated, since he didn't count as a cartoon."

"It's good to be back, Trebek!" Sean Connery said with a bow.

"Well, that's good." Trebek nodded.

"Just like how your mother was last night!" Connery lashed out, laughing his ass off at Trebek's expense.

Trebek on the other hand, hit his head in stupidity.

"Why in the hell did I say that?" Trebek said, rolling his eyes, "Enough of that nonsense now, let's go to Double Jeopardy. The categories are... 'Potent Potables', 'Famous Dogs', 'What Year Is This', 'The Color Red', 'Shows that end in Ull House', and 'Are You Drunk'? Applejack, since you're in the lead, you choose. May I suggest 'Famous Dogs'?"

"Can I have apple cider?" Applejack answered.

"Applejack, that's not a category..." Trebek sighed.

"I know, I'm just thirsty. I forgot to drink somethin' on the way over here." Applejack said, feeling her stomach starve of complete thirst.

"You'll have to wait until the show's over, miss." Trebek said in unison, "Let's let Dan choose a category..."

Trebek turned his attention to Dan, who flipped off the host with his middle finger.

"And now, he's flipping me off. How nice of you, Dan." Trebek scowled over to Dan, "Let's let Mr. Connery choose a category, then."

"I reign supreme!" Connery shouted in glory, "I'll take 'Famous Bitches' for $400."

Alex Trebek hit his head in frustration again. It was the second time he did that, responding to Connery's usual stupidity.

"Mr. Connery, it's 'Famous Dogs', not 'bitches'." Trebek corrected him, "Anyway, 'Famous Dogs' for $400. The answer is: This dog travels with the Mystery Machine and is the title character on the cartoon, 'Scooby Doo'. C'Mon... you all know this one."

*BUZZ!*

"Mr. Connery?"

"Sarah Michelle Gellar! She's one hell of a hot bitch!" Connery answered.

"Definitely not, Mr. Connery." Trebek scowled back.

*BUZZ!*

"Applejack?" Trebek said.

"What is Winona?" Applejack answered as well.

"No, Applejack." Trebek responded.

"Why not?" Applejack shrugged frantically, "I thought the category was called 'Famous Dogs'. And since I thought of dogs, I chose Winona. That's gotta be the question, right?"

"I'm sorry Applejack, but Winona is not the correct answer." Trebek said.

*BUZZ!*

"Dan? You have an answer?" Trebek asked the malcontent.

"You are. You act like a bitch to begin with." Dan snickered.

Trebek was feeling very unimpressed by today's batch of contestants. They were a lot more stupider than ever.

"Sorry, Dan. That's wrong. The answer is: Scooby-Doo." Trebek corrected the contestants, "Since the three of you have the IQ of a retarded monkey, I'll choose a category for you. Let's try 'The Color Red' for $400. The answer is: This is the color of apples."

The rest of the contestants were stumped. They didn't exactly know this answer very well.

"Applejack. You're more than welcome to buzz in. After all, you do know a thing or two about apples." Trebek smiled to her.

After quick thinking, one of the contestants finally decided to buzz in.

*BUZZ!*

"Mr. Dan."

"What is blood? Your talking makes my ears bleed." Dan scowled at the host.

"As much as I appreciate you giving me that answer, since 'blood' is perhaps a delectable answer for the color, it's not right." Trebek truthfully said.

In response, Dan went down on his knees in defeat, clenched his fists and yelled to the sky in regret.

"TREBEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEKKKK!" Dan shouted.

*BUZZ!*

"Applejack, you know the answer?" The host replied.

Trebek looked over and saw Applejack chug down a bottle of apple cider. He looked a little bothered to say the least.

"Applejack! You can't drink in the middle of the show!" Trebek snapped.

"Why? I was thirsty, so I couldn't wait!" Applejack snapped back. Unfortunately, when she turned to Trebek, the apple cider started pouring liquid on her podium. Trebek was now more bothered than ever!

"Hey, don't do that!" Trebek fumingly shouted, "You're getting all over the floor!"

"That's what your mother said last night!" Connery said in retaliation.

Trebek was constantly irritated by Connery's dirty sex joke. That's where he decided to end things from here.

"Oh, woe is me..." Trebek said sarcastically, "You know, let's just forget what the answer is and move on to Final Jeopardy. The final category is..."

However, Trebek shot a glare at the contestants, in which he felt that it wasn't his day to tell them what the category was.

"You know what, why don't you tell me what you want instead, that way it's much easier for you to win and for me to make me leave this god-forbid studio." Trebek scowled again.

The Final Jeopardy theme song started to play out as both Applejack, Dan and Sean Connery grabbed their pens and wrote on the podiums.

"If you want money, then draw money." Trebek said, talking through the nice intermission, "If you want pot, then draw pot. If you want to draw a gun and shoot my head clean off, don't worry about writing the answer, just grab the gun off my dressing room and kill me off of this world forever."

The song finally began to close off as the trio finally put their pens away so that Trebek could see the excellent work they've done.

"Okay, let's see what kind of gems they came up with." Trebek said, approaching Applejack's podium, "Applejack, we'll start with you. You wrote down..."

Applejack's answer: Apple cider

"Apple cider." Trebek replied, "Well, since you have my podium smelling like tasty fluid fruit, that's actually the right answer. Let's see what you wagered..."

Applejack's wager: Four bits

"Four bits." Trebek sighed, "Applejack, as much as I hate to tell you this, we only accept cash, not foreign money from Ponyville.

In response, Applejack threw her bits at the host's face. Trebek looked a little bothered, considering he had coins flown at his face.

"You suck donkeybutt, Trebek!" Applejack snapped at the host.

"I know..." Trebek sighed as he left Applejack's podium to go to Dan, "Dan, you look very-"

Trebek never finished that sentence. Instead...

...Dan retaliated by throwing a pen at Trebek's face.

"OW!" Trebek yelled in pain, "Why in the hell did you do that?"

"Because I hate everything!" Dan snapped back, "Especially you."

"Well, thanks for the brotherly love, Dan..." Trebek said fuming in defense, "Let's see what your answer is."

Dan's answer: Don't bother trying to get an answer and wager for me, because if you make me answer, I will find you in your sleep and take a dump on your face.

Trebek looked a little disturbed, yet bothered by that gruesome image. So he decided to pass him instantly.

"Well, that sounds easy enough than I expected." Trebek replied as he headed over to Connery's podium, "Okay, Mr. Connery. The topic is 'What Do You Want' and you wrote..."

Connery's answer: Trebek's mother

Seeing this answer, Trebek paused in sudden disbelief. To make matters worse, Sean Connery laughed at his face.

"You should know how to choose your final categories carefully, Mr. Trebek! I'm a professional, just like what your mother felt last night!"

Annoyed by Connery's laughter, Trebek ripped up his answer card in frustration.

"You sicken me, Mr. Connery..." Trebek glared hatefully at his rival, "That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm gonna lock myself in my bathroom and cry a little. Good day."


Ouch. That oughtta hurt.

And yes, if you're asking... Mr. Connery will be in every sketch, so you're gonna see every two cartoon characters on there every episodes.

BTW, the characters I choose will be from these following cartoons:

Total Drama series, Grojband, 6teen, Phineas and Ferb, Gravity Falls, Regular Show, Adventure Time, South Park, Simpsons, Futurama, Family Guy, American Dad, Ed, Edd n Eddy, Spongebob SquarePants, Dan vs., My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic, Beavis and ButtHead, Tiny Toon Adventures, Animaniacs, SWAT Kats: The Radical Squadron, and The Fairly Oddparents.

That's all I got. Now which trio, alongside Sean Connery, will be next? Find out 'til next chapter! (;D)