SNL Celebrity Jeopardy: The Cartoon Edition

Rated M

Disclaimer: I do not own Saturday Night Live, the Celebrity Jeopardy sketches or any cartoons associated with Cartoon Network, Disney, Hub Network, Adult Swim or the likeliness of SNL-styled Sean Connery. Just to let you know.


Chapter 7: Justin, Rarity & Sean Connery

For the god-awful seventh time, the Celebrity Jeopardy theme song had played yet again. A certain male model from Total Drama and a beautiful pony with a purple mane, white coat, and a diamond en-crusted cutie mark all stood alongside a certain Scottish thespian. Thinking about his life way too much, Alex Trebek managed to appear looking steady and ship-sharp.

"And welcome back to Celebrity Jeopardy." Trebek grimly spoke, "I like to take the time to apologize to all black people who have been offended watching this program. For that, I'm sorry. Anyway, so let's take a look at the scores so far. Justin from the "Total Drama" series is in 1st place with $0... all because he spent the entire time looking at himself in the mirror."

The camera took their focus on the hot and handsome Justin, who posed for the audience. The rest of the fangirls all threw their panties at him at one time.

"What can I say, Trebek?" Justin shrugged at the host, "It hurts to be sexy."

"It hurts just like my career, Justin..." Trebek rolled his eyes, "Moving on. Rarity from 'My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic' is in 2nd place with $-34,000."

After focusing on Justin, the camera scrolled over to the beautiful Rarity, who looked breathless and stunning. The male bronies in the audience all went wild for this beautiful pony.

"I love how my hair looks on camera. It's so beautiful, I can't take my eyes off the lens, darling!" Rarity spoke gleefully.

"I wish somebody would take my eyes off my own sockets for being in this god-awful planet..." Trebek muttered before he got to the worst part of the show, "And finally... in 3rd place with $-140,000... oh good god, Sean Connery."

The camera shifted over to the cunning and all-so-deceptive Sean Connery. He was gonna have one hell of a field day with him.

"We meet again, sperm-stache!" Connery chuckled, "I just thought of something real funny, Trebek."

"Oh really? And what might that be, Sean?" Trebek said.

"The face your mother was making last night." Connery replied, laughing in the host's face.

Trebek felt a bit startled and unimpressed by Mr. Connery's comment.

"I'm going to pretend I didn't hear that..." Trebek groaned, "Let's move on to Double Jeopardy. The categories are... 'Potent Potables', 'Popular Video Game Titles', 'The Color Yellow', 'Smell Your Armpit, 'Sodas that end with 'Mountain Dew' and 'Things Trebek's Mother Likes To Suck'. Wait- what the hell?"

Trebek was shocked with the last category on the board. Sean Connery on the other hand, laughed like a hyena.

"I know all the answers to that one, Trebek..." Connery chuckled.

"Like I said, I'm ignoring you." Trebek responded back, "Anyway, Justin... since you're in 1st place, you choose a category."

Justin wasn't paying attention to what Trebek was saying to him. He was looking dreamy with his hair blowing in the wind. Every girl watching from the audience, including Rarity, all stared at him like a fangirl. Knowing that Justin didn't hear him, Trebek started to shout his name.

"JUSTIN!" Trebek screamed.

Still no answer. Even Rarity was so admired by his beauty.

"So hot and yet... so sexy!" Rarity said, being love-struck by the model herself.

Trebek felt like Justin and Rarity were useless at this point.

"Dear god, I hate my life..." Trebek groaned, "Well, since Justin is a useless bolt and Rarity's now attracted to a man-whore, I'll let Mr. Connery choose a category."

"Very pleasant of you, Trebek." Connery nodded, "I'll take Popular Video Game Titties for $800."

"Wha- no, Mr. Connery, it's pronounced 'Titles', not 'Titties'!" Trebek corrected him, "Anyway, 'Popular Video Game Titles' for $800. The answer is, 'Lara Croft stars in this video game entitled 'Tomb Raider'. I'll say it again: Tomb... Raider."

*BUZZ!*

"Mr. Connery?" Trebek replied.

"Lara Croft. She's got nice goodies." Connery smirked.

"Mr. Connery, that's wrong." Trebek said sternly, "Besides, it's 'titles' and not 'titties'. Just to let you know."

*BUZZ!*

"Rarity?" Trebek sighed.

But Rarity wasn't speaking out. He put her elbows on the podium and sighed in a dream-like state, still admiring Justin's beauty. He was flexing in front of her, and Rarity couldn't seem to get enough. Heck, the beautiful pony didn't realize her elbow hit the buzzer by mistake.

"I so want your baby, darling..." Rarity said to the male model.

"Good god..." Trebek groaned, rolling his eyes to death, "Anyone else have an answer? Justin?"

When Trebek turned to Justin, the male model was still flexing his muscles without a care in the world. However, this made the host more irritated.

In response, Trebek approached Justin's podium and grabbed a megaphone. Turning it on as loud as he can, Trebek shouted in Justin's ear.

"JUSTIN!" Trebek screamed.

Trebek's voice was so loud, it hurt Justin's eardrums painfully. Heck, even Justin had to shield his ears to stop the blood from leaking.

"Agh! My perfect eardrums!" Justin shouted in pain, "Why on earth did you do that, Trebek?"

"I wanted to see if you were braindead. And it's working quite well." Trebek chuckled, "Anyway, the correct answer is 'Tomb Raider'. Since Justin's nearly half-deaf and Rarity's mad at me for breaking up her little fantasy, let's move on to 'Mountain Dew' for $400.-"

*BUZZ!*

"What is it, Mr. Connery?" Trebek said to his arch-rival.

"I like to Mountain Dew your mother tonight!" Connery smirked.

Trebek felt a little bothered by Mr. Connery's little comment. He decided to shake off his nerves again.

"Like I said once before, I'm ignoring you, Mr. Connery." Trebek replied, before reading the clue, "Anyway, 'Mountain Dew' for $400. The answer is: 'This is the soda's catchphrase.' I'll give you an easy hint. It's 'Do The Blank'."

*BUZZ!*

"Rarity?" Trebek said to the violet-maned pony.

But once again, Rarity put her elbows on the podium and her hooves around his face, sighing at the sight of Justin's beauty yet again. And yet, she still buzzed on purpose.

"I so want Justin's junk inside me..." Rarity sighed.

Justin was used to Rarity admiring him. After all, Justin was a total stud. Chuckling at the way Rarity was staring at him with loving eyes, Justin turned to the host.

"Check this out, Trebek... even the girl ponies love me." Justin stated.

"That's wonderful, Justin... don't come near my studio again." Trebek groaned, "Since this is turning into a bore fest very quickly, let's move on to Final Jeopardy. The category is: 'Boys' names'. If you can write any name, as long as it's a boy's name. You will win."

Indicating the Final Jeopardy theme song now playing, Justin, Rarity and Sean Connery started writing right away. As they were writing, Trebek gave them a little hint talk.

"It's not that hard to do." Trebek replied, "You can write down names like Frank, Cody, J.T., Mark, Steve, Eddie, Carl, Danny, Jesse, or Joey. There's no way you can absolutely mess this up."

The theme song finally came to an end as the threesome put down their pens so that Alex Trebek could take a look at their answers and wagers. First off, Trebek decided to approach the male model.

"Well, then... I can only hope one of you managed to ass it up." Trebek stated, "Justin, you're pretty confident. Let's see which name you came up with."

Justin's answer: Jack

"Jack..." Trebek responded, smiling at Justin's answer, "Excellent answer, Justin! Despite looking like a retarded zombie throughout the whole game, actually got the correct answer."

"Maybe it was just luck!" Justin smiled back.

"Luck, indeed..." Trebek chuckled, "Let's see what you wagered."

Justin's wager: Mehoff

"MeHoff. Jack Mehoff..." Trebek spoke in confusion. He looked a little bothered to say the least.

Justin on the other hand, chuckled his Hawaiian butt off hearing that sick sexual name.

"Jack MeHoff? I don't get it." Trebek responded to Justin.

"I'd bet you do, Trebek..." Justin replied, "...but I wouldn't help you do that. I'm straight as an arrow, buddy."

"I don't know what you're talking about. Jack Mehoff? What is that- Oh, you know what, I don't want to know." Trebek said, finally coming to realization of what that name meant.

Trebek shook some nerves off of him before approaching Rarity's podium. Rarity was still a motionless lump, having to stare at Justin lovingly throughout the entire show.

"Let's move on to Rarity... who's still attracted to Justin like a ridden whore magnet. Let's see what Rarity came up with..."

Rarity's answer: Nothing.

"Nothing..." Trebek scowled a bit, "And your wager..."

Rarity's wager: Nothing.

"To hardly any surprise, nothing..." Trebek muttered bluntly.

For the fourth and perhaps umpteenth time, Rarity continued to stare at Justin motionally like a beautiful untouchable masterpiece.

"Ahhhhhh, he's so perfect than Spiky-Wikey..." Rarity sighed.

Trebek rolled his eyes in response, therefore leaving to approach Mr. Connery's podium.

"I don't know if you're beautiful or retarded, but you definitely need help..." Trebek said behind Rarity's back, "Finally, Sean Connery... the category is 'boys' names' and you managed to write down..."

Connery's answer: Alex Trebek

"Alex Trebek..." Trebek replied in surprise, "You really didn't have to include my last name on there, but nevertheless, you got it right. I'm very relieved Mr. Connery! Nice work!"

"Well..." Connery said, taking a brief pause, "You know me, Alex. I can be quite unexpected."

"Quite unexpected, you are Mr. Connery." Trebek spoke back, "Let's see what you wagered."

Connery's wager: Is A Huge Fart

Connery's wager was unexpected as well. Trebek looked a little startled, yet unimpressed by this little facade.

"Hahaha!" Trebek laughed in the host's face, "It really stinks to be number 2, huh, Trebek?"

Still feeling a bit bothered, Trebek ripped up his note cards in response.

"Can't believe I fell right into that..." Trebek muttered, facing the camera head-on, "Justin's the winner by $0, simply because he's a man-whore. That's all for Celebrity Jeopardy, I'm gonna try to stab myself with a butter knife. Good night."

Meanwhile, as Trebek was walking out of the studio a defeated man...

...back home at Ponyville, the baby dragon known as Spike was watching the whole thing on a small TV. He couldn't believe the words Rarity said about Justin being perfect. His anger was about to steam up.

"Oh, no she didn't!" Spike exclaimed in anger, "There's no way I'm gonna let Justin take away my Rarity like this! I'm gonna go to his house and burn his cock off!"

In response, Spike grabbed a notepad and wrote down his thoughts of what he wanted to do to the male model himself.

"Burn... Justin's... wiener off." Spike said to himself, writing down the whole thought on a pen, "Ha! I'll teach that man-whore what for..."


Ooooh, I see Spike's got some competition in Justin. Interesting!

My apologies if Spike seemed a little OOC at the ending, but his little promise to Justin made me laugh, so it's alright.

Meanwhile, which characters will join Sean Connery in his quest to trash Alex Trebek next chapter? Find out soon enough! (;D)