lilysecret

Dear journal,

Today - what can I say about today? War broke out between our group and Brooke's. I guess hormones were a little on edge. When you've got six teenage girls who already have their problems with getting along, and have them simultaneously menstruating, you're asking for trouble.

The guys - Harrison, Josh and Sugar - teamed up to stop us from killing each other, and ended up locking us into the girls' bathroom. God. Trapped in there with Mary Cherry and Nicole for hours, can you imagine? Brooke, I guess, is OK, and Sam and Carmen are my best friends, but even they started getting on my nerves.

Nicole. I hate her. We were taking that new elective, Feminist Lit, today, and we had to write down one secret and throw it away. Except Nicole got hold of the papers and decided we should all reveal who had written what.

I seriously wanted to murder her. It's just such an invasion of someone's privacy, you know? And I really didn't want to reveal which secret was mine. But when Nicole started accusing Sam - well, I couldn't let her do that.

So I confessed. Told them that I'd wondered whether I was straight or not. Told them about the kiss with Carmen. Then Carmen got pretty annoyed, and I didn't blame her. I guess it was something secret between the two of us that she didn't want anyone to know about. But things got sorted out once Sam spoke up.

She was pissed off because we hadn't told her. She felt left out and not a part of things, and although I got mad, I could understand how she felt.

And the reason I didn't tell her? Yeah, how could I? Tell her that not only have I questioned my sexuality, but that I'm pretty sure that even though I'm definitely attracted to guys, that I'm also kinda interested in girls? Tell her that the girl in question is her?

After we got let out of the bathroom, we all went to Croutons. It was pretty fun, all of us more or less getting along, except for Nicole. Brooke wouldn't talk to her and eventually she left early. But apart from her, it really did feel - I don't know - like we were all friends. Like we'd bonded. Like maybe the clique wars that had been going on ever since school started didn't matter anymore.

We ended up back at Brooke and Sam's house and watched a movie. Carmen and Mary Cherry left, and Brooke went upstairs, and I had to talk to Sam.

"Sam, I'm sorry I didn't tell you about what happened with Carmen," I started.

"Look, Lily, it's fine," she said.

"No, it's not. Look, the reason I didn't tell you is - " I froze. I couldn't say it.

"Lily, what is it?" she asked.

"Nothing," I said, and started to cry.

She came and sat beside me, and hugged me, and told me it was OK, she didn't mind, as long as I was OK.

"Thank you for being such a good friend," I sniffed.

"No problem," she smiled.

And then I left. What would have happened if I told her that I had a crush on her? Would she have been grossed out, or refused to believe it? Would she say firmly that she wasn't interested?

Do you think there's even a slight possibility that she feels the same way about me?

I guess I'll never know. I can't risk jeopardizing my friendship with her. She means way too much to me. For the moment I've got to forget how I feel.

But it's so hard.

Luv, Lily.