Thirty Second Romances

Part One: Harry/Hermione

Summary: A series of short, utterly stupid romances featuring various het and slash couples. Not even my favorite pairings are spared! Borders more on stupidity than parody.
Categories: Humor, Parody, Romance
Rating: PG-13, I suppose.
Notes: Will be updated on a whenever I feel like it basis. My favorite pairing, H/Hr, is up first because I can admit that many sucky fanfics have been written about this pairing, even if it is my favorite when well-written.


"I've had it with you, Ron Weasley!" Hermione screamed loudly at her now ex-boyfriend during dinner hour. "You don't respect me! You always fight with me! I hate you!"

"Consider this relationship OVER!" Hermione yelled at the top of her lungs. She stormed out of the dining hall, leaving the entire hall silent over the shock.

"Whaaat?" Ron wailed, breaking the silence. "I thought we were gonna be together forever! Two kids, a house in the suburbs, and...WAAAH!" Ron began sobbing.

"I thought you were gonna be together forever, tooooo!" Ginny said sympathetically, giving her brother a hug. He started sobbing even more loudly on Ginny's shoulder.

Meanwhile, Harry stood there with an evil grin on his face. Ah-ha! They'd finally broken up! He'd known this would happen, and he even encouraged this fighting because he'd known it would lead to their breakup sooner! Now, it was done, and he would finally be able to win over the Hermione he LOVED!

The commotion had finally ceased, and Seamus said quietly to Harry, "Hey man! Go make the Hermione feel better! I bet she's sobbing! You're her best, most platonic friend!" Dean nodded, agreeing.

"Well, guys, I think I will," replied Harry suavely, brushing his hand through his hair and getting up. "But I have something else to take care of, first!"

Harry walked over to the Ravenclaw table. "Cho! Cho Chang!"

Cho smiled, stood up, and tried to kiss Harry. "Hello, sexy boyfriend!" she cooed. "I am, like, soooooo, like, sorry to hear about, like, the, like breakup! Let's have sex! You'll, like, feel sooooo much better!"

Harry struggled to get Cho out of his arms. "Are you kidding!? You slut! I'm here to break up with you!"

"Excuuuse me! I am, like, soooo popular! You can't break up with me!"

"Oh yes I can, bitch! I've been using you for the sex!"

"WHAT!?" Cho shouted angrily." asshole!" The whole great hall quieted down once again.

"Me, the asshole? I know you've been two-timing me with Draco, Seamus, Colin, Oliver Wood, Professor Snape, and Percy Weasley!" Harry exclaimed. "I've only been biding my time with you, waiting for my true desire to break up with Ron...HERMIONE GRANGER!"

Ron stopped sobbing. "YOU BASTARD!" he yelled across the room. "You've been cheating on me! I hate you! We'll never be friends again!"

"See what I care!" Harry shot back. "Hey Cho and Ron, go have sex together, it'll make you feel better!" With that, Harry exited as dramatically as Hermione had earlier.

With the speed of a muggle bullet, Harry ran to the Gryffindor girl's dorms, determined to get to his sweet love as soon as possible. He found her lying on her bed, tears coming out of her eyes.

"Hermione, sweetie, I'm here!" Harry cooed.

Hermione ran up to Harry and threw her arms around him. "Oh, Harry! Thank god! I'm so worried...did I do the right thing breaking up with him, my Harry?"

Discreetly running his hand down her 36-24-36 body, Harry replied, "Oh yes, you did, babe."

"It's just that," Hermione gasped between sobs, "I realized that I'm tired of fighting with Ron. At dinner, the thought suddenly came to me that....I LOVE YOU MORE!"

Harry grinned. "I thought so."

"Oh, Harry! This platonic-ness....we're not platonic! Friends make the best lovers, like duh! The hero has to get the girl! Not the stupid sidekick!"

"Hey, hey, I totally agree," Harry replied, patting her on the back. "Now shut up and kiss me."

So she did, and they made out for a long, long, long, long time until they got tired and needed a break.

"So, my sweet Herm, or is it Mione, I did make Ron a bit...angry, when I announced how I felt about you at dinner after you left."

Hermione grinned. "Who cares? Ron sucks! I think we should lock him in a broom closet for a year or so and make out some more!"

"My thoughts exactly," Harry replied. So they continued making out and had hot sex on Hermione's bed because everything was just soooooo perfect that nobody was going to interrupt this amazing and beautiful moment.

Meanwhile, Cho and Ron were having comfort sex in front of everyone in the great hall, but that's another story!


End of Part One