Thirty Second Romances
Part Nine: Remus/Sirius
Sorry for the long delay- I've been in summer school, and it's been killing me. Anyway, despite fictionalley park voting this as the most likely slash to happen in canon, there's lots of pretty unbelievable cliches out there. Let the bloodbath begin!
(Note- no explicit OOtP spoilers. Hooray!)
It was the train ride before first year, and Remus was sitting around all along, brooding and angsting over how simply PAINED he was. See, he was a werewolf, and oh woe was him, he could never live a normal life. Alas, he would have no friends! WAAAAAH!!!!
"Yo you look like totally awesome!" Remus looked over and saw a couple guys. Man they're hot, thought the 11 year old. Oh wait! No sexy thoughts yet!
"I-I d-d-d-d-d-do?" stammered young, wallflower Remus.
"Yeah hi, I'm James, and I'm cool and sexy, and even though I'm eleven, the chicks dig me already! Yoo hoo Lily, you sexy thang!" he yelled, getting up.
"ASSHOLE!" Lily yelled, slapping him for no apparent reason and knocking him out.
Sirius turned to Remus. "Okay dude, so I'm like his best friend and we're so joined at the hip, except that I find myself strangely attracted to you. I'm also deeply tortured beneath my cool exterior? Wanna be sex partners- I mean friends?"
After a minute of tortured wallowing that they could never discover his secret, Remus shook it. "Okay!"
Peter walked in and grinned. "I like overalls," he said, before disappearing for the rest of the story.
So some time went bye and some random events happened, like everyone turning into animals and unimportant stuff like that, and soon they were 15 year old Gryffindors! And boy were they STUDS!
Sirius was a total player, and he'd made out with every single girl in the school by age 13- twice. Rumor had it that wiiiiiild, hotttttt Sirius liked the boiyz, too!
James, meanwhile, liked hot sexy girls, too, but he really only liked Lily and she kept turning him down until they were 17, but that's beside the point.
Remus was still a TORTURED SOUL. "Oh help me please!" He cried out to no one in particular. "I'm madly in love with my best friend, but he can't stay in a relationship for more than two days, and I don't think he likes guys that way!"
Severus Snape popped in. "Actually, I made out with him in a broom closet last week. I still hate you guys, though."
"Eww!" said Remus. "Too much information!" But at least he likes blokes!
Sirius was secretly PAINED and SCANDALIZED too! "Help me random people! I've only been dating all of you beautiful gals because I'm really REMUS SEXUAL!"
"Hey Sirius, I'm Lily, and I always knew you had a thing for him," said Lily Evans out of nowhere. "I'm the Highly Accepting Female here and I have powers for this thing- and go say something!"
"Yippie!" cried Sirius, running to the Gryffindor dorms.
"OMG Remus I'm secretly in luuuuv with you!" he yelled at Remus' bed.
Remus' heart skipped a beat. "I don't believe you hunkalicious! I'm just another fling and I have to be permanently bound to the first person I have sex with cuz I'm a werewolf, even though that makes no sense!"
"SOOOOOOOB! But I really want you sexy pie hole!"
The tension continued for about a year, which pissed everyone off. But finally James and Lily got together and the tension HEATED UP!
"Sweet little Padfoot, I've changed my mind. I LOVE YOU!" Remus roared, starting to make out with him.
"Whoah, that was sudden," said Sirius. "What made you change your mind?"
"I think it's that we were having sex in doggie form," Remus said in a deadpan voice.
So then it was TRUE LOVE! And, even though this was the 1970s, the entire school thought this gay relationship was a WONDERFUL thing.
Then all that random secret keeper shit happened, and Remus and Sirius spent twelve years feeling WOEFUL and ANGSTY but holding out the their HOTTT LUV!
Then one day it all got settled in the shrieking shack, and a year later, Sirius got to "lie low" at Lupin's!
"Aw Paddiefootie, it's been so long!" Remus cried.
"Let's reminisce randomly!" And so they did, thinking about the times they hard HARDCORE S&M SEX!
"You know, you're all unstable because of Azkaban, and I'm angsty."
"Yep, but despite all that and 13 years, we can have a perfectly normal romantic relationship again."
"Exactly!" said Remus, and then they had sex on the floor and had the most Dog-happy luv for another year.
End Part 9