The Goblet and the Bag

by Polydicta

Summary:

Harry Potter discovers the less well-known part of Wizarding London. A crossunder with various films, books, radio shows, television shows, games etc. Warnings for iconoclasm, crossovers, quotes, clichés, slapstick, brain damage and some light bashing.

Disclaimer:

All fiction is derivative and fan fiction doubly so. I make no claim to own any part of any of the following, all I have done is an attempt to put together the elements in a novel fashion, using words and ideas like Lego ™ bricks.

There is no money involved – all I do is to share what I do for my own amusement.

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The Goblet and the Bag - 1 - Introduction and Prologue.

Some time ago on a Yahoo! group not so far away, a rather strange discussion was taking place on the possibilities of a Harry Potter - Mary Poppins crossover.

The conversation took, as usual, a turn for the weird. This tale is the result.

Updates will be slow, irregular and may damage your health. Contains nuts.

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As I began to write the story, I realised that the world of Harry Potter, as written by J. is a very narrow view into what could be a much wider world - one where all kinds of well known fictional worlds can happily sit - and in particular, the Disney worlds.

The end result is that I am trying to cram as many references in as possible - film, theatre, television, literary, historical, radio, games and fandom. There are also a number of running gags that will appear throughout the story. You are welcome to try to spot them all.

We begin with Harry Potter's flight from Privet Drive on the Knight Bus. The film contains a game reference that I couldn't give up. I have wilfully expanded it.

Canon enjoyed the journey so much that it stayed on the bus.

With thanks for the (polite) suggestions, kind comments, constructive criticism and eagle-eyed checking from the group known as Herman's Tumbled Weeds.

So ... Without more ado -

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Presenting, in association with

Hidden Tales From The Chamber of Secrets

An Insanity Theatre Production

The Goblet and The Bag

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Prologue - Departing Now ...

In which a Canon is Derailed, Sirius Black is explained and Harry arrives at The Leaky Cauldron.

The Knight Bus was hurtling southwards down the northbound carriageway of the M1 motorway, a grim-faced Ernie Prang squinting into the oncoming headlights and the shrunken head maintaining a constant running commentary to the short-sighted wizard.

There was a bump and some complaining voice Döpplered into the distance behind them.

Somehow, Harry realised that this motorway was on the opposite side of London from Little Whinging.

"Who'se the shrunken head?"

Stan Shunpike looked at Harry.

"At's a good question. That's The Navigator. Been in the business since forever, e has. Rumour as it that e was Cap'n Dread's navigator back in the fifteen-hundreds. E's wrote a book, ya know. Ow To Get Ahead in Navigation. 's a good book. E was killed by some bloke called leChuck or summat."

Further conversation was prevented by a hair-pin turn up the slip-road and onto a road heading toward Coventry. As a diminutive, sleeping wizard slid off of his bed and lands, feet first into a Cornish pasty that was in the top of his luggage, Harry noted that the distance to London was shown on the signs as a hundred miles.

The only other conscious passenger was some kind of a clergyman, hanging on for dear life and grinning like a loon.

Harry whispered, "what about the churchman?"

Stan leaned close. "E's a squib. He used to travel every where by train until e realised that it was 'is presence that caused the frequent derailments. Now e always uses the bus. He's a Canon, apparently."

Harry nodded. "So, what about this Sirius Black chap then?"

"You still on about that? E's one of the worst. Betrayed the Potters to their death. E was You-Know-Who's right hand man, they say. Worser'n Bellatrix, e was... They do say e was th' best friend of James Potter, 'an was supposed t' be 'Arry Potter's godfather. They do say that e broke outer'n Azkaban to finish what 'is master failed ta do, ta kill 'Arry Potter. Bes' ta run if'n you see 'im, coz e dun't care oo e hits wiv 'is Avada."

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A further twenty minutes of being thrown around and the purple triple-decker screeched to a halt outside The Leaky Cauldron.

Having gotten his sea legs, and begun to enjoy the ride, the now grinning Harry staggered off of the bus.

As he picked up his trunk, he heard the Canon telling Stan that he'd like to ride for the rest of the night, and to keep the change ... and to keep the cocoa coming.

He made his way inside the inn, and was taken to the Minister of Magic, Cornelius Fudge, who was waiting for him.

"Harry, Harry … I don't think you need to worry about being expelled for blowing up your cousin's aunt. Merlin, if we did that we'd all have had our wands snapped before we were fifteen. I managed to transfigure mine into an outsized toad."

Harry looked at the Minister and blinked. "R … really?"

Fudge smiled vaguely, "Yes, really. They never really got her back top normal though … it still fuels some of my … fondest memories."

He snapped back to the present.

"Strangely, she works for me these days... " His voice trailed off as he changed the subject.

"Now, I must ask you to avoid leaving the security of our world until the Hogwarts Express. I suggest that you explore Diagon Alley thoroughly, it truly is a fascinating place … and perhaps you might finish off any homework or other preparation for school. Oh, and Harry, please try to stay out of trouble for the rest of the summer; we really don't want anything to … happen to you."

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