Harry was poring over his book, 'how to be a dark lord.' Know thy enemy and all that crap, right? So he was reading the chapter on quick tips.

Hey! Voldy!

Harry had discovered that he could use the link with the Dark Lord in his head to have conversations- and said Dark Lord had also learned the downside of said connection: teenage boys were a pain in the arse.

What, Potter? Things to do, people to kill, all that crap…

Do you really have do bathe in a pregnant woman's blood every night for six weeks and turn the moon the exact shade of said pregnant woman's blood in order to be a real evil lord?

WHAT? No. What nonsense.

Well, you're not a real dark lord, then. Ha, ha, haha, ha…

I am too a real dark lord, you stupid son of a mudblood.

Hey! My mum was smarter than you, you son of a (practically a) squib!

How do you know about my tragic past?

Magic, Tommy, magic. Ha. I know all your secrets…

Shut up, Potter, or I'll plague your mind with images of me and your mother having sexual intercourse.

Okay. I'll shut up. I WILL! I REALLY WILL! Just…no images. Please. Imagine me with puppy eyes.

…That's a really unattractive expression, Potter.

Back to it! You're not a real dark lord, ha, ha, haha, ha…

Potter, your childish antics are boring me. What Dark Lord manual are you reading, anyway?

The original. How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide, by Gellert Grindelwald himself.

…what?

Later, you fake dark lord.

SHUT UP!


You only live once, oooohhh, so you need to live like it's your last day eveeerrrr...ohhhhh, yeeaaaahhhh…

Uh. Potter? What bull. I'm going to live forever. Hello? Evil dark lord here?

Fake dark lord.

Whatever, Potter.

Have you ever thought about how amazing our poop is?

…I'm sorry?

I mean, it expels all the shit- literally- from our body. Isn't it amazing? And- the invention of the asshole! Isn't it awesome? Oooooohhhhh…life isn't gonna laaast, baayybbeeeeeeee…

…Potter, are you taking a crap and listening to crappy music?

Maybe.

Get out of my mind, you disgusting, unhygienic moron.


Voldy?

Potter, do you have anything better to do than sit here and piss me off every day?

Naw, not really.

Well: get out.

You can't make me…YOU DON'T KNOW YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL! IF ONLY YOU SAW WHAT I COULD SEE….

Potter- is that One Direction?

…maybe. How did you know?

I tried to kill them but the rabid fangirls drove me away.

Well, good for you.

Wait…Potter, you were just singing one of their songs!

Meh. They get stuck in my head.

True.

Voldy?

What? I'm trying to relieve my sexual tension here!

But…

Stop if you value your life, Potter.

You were reborn without a pe-

POTTER!

-nis. I mean, that's what you get for using dark rituals- but how do you relieve sexual tension?!

Uhh. I'll, uh, show you?

VOLDY! YOU WATCH BELLATRIX AND HER HUSBAND AND USE LEGILIMENCY TO FEEL WHAT HER HUSBAND IS FEELING?

What else can I do? You said it, I don't have a damn penis! MY CROTCH AREA SINGS, GODDAMMIT!

…eew. So that's why you keep Bellatrix around.

Why else? She brought me a pregnant woman and tried to make me eat the fetus. She's seen me eat normal food, for Salazar's sake!

Oh! That's quick tip 23,000,000,001 in How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.

So that's where she gets all the pregnant women stuff.

'My lord? Your bath is ready! I have sprinkled the blood from a pregnant women into the waters, my lord.'

…that's tip 101,000,000,265 in How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.

Damn, boy. I need to buy that book. Time for baths and more watching-

Don't finish that sentence. I'm an innocent boy.

Innocent, my pale arse.


…uhh…Voldy?

WHAT, POTTER?

…you were a genius back in the day, right?

As a matter of fact, I was.

Well, I'm in a History of Magic test…

And I ain't telling you the answers.

But…Voldy! You wound me so! I thought we were- we were friends!

Potter, that speech isn't going to do anything.

FINE. What do you need to know?


Potter, which girl are you using? I can hear you and I can't plot world domination because of it.

Uhh. Not sure. I think her name's Kathleen.

You don't know? Well, I don't blame you. If I had a penis I'd be-

Don't finish that sentence.

-going out and banging birds left and right.

Why thank you for that lovely mental image, Voldemort.

No problem.

'Oooh, Harry…'

'Uh…Kathleen…'

'KATHLEEN? My name's EMMA! I HATE YOU!'

'Uh- what? I said Emma.'

'Like hell you did. I'm gone!'

'Kay then.'

'You're not going to chase after me desperately, determined to amend your mistake?'

'…was I supposed to?'

'Fuck you, Potter.'

…Busted!

Shut it, Voldy.


Voldy?

WHAT? Trying to shop for my Dark Lord Winter Wardrobe here?

…You shop?

It's me or Bellatrix.

Oh. She's crazy.

Ikr?!

What?

I know right. Get with it, Potter.

…sorry?

Damn right. Now. I sent her last year and she came back with a pregnant woman's skin. Who does that?

That's tip 549,000,000,007 in How To Be Evil: A Practical Guide.

Shut up, Potter.

…Voldy?

WHAT?

Are we…friends?

Meh. I'm an evil lord. I don't have friends.

But I'm tragically insecure!

…if I wasn't evil…I suppose so.

Oh. Awesome.

I'm going to try and kill One Direction again. Care to join me?

Nah. I'm scared of rabid fangirls.

Suit yourself.


…Voldy?

Yes?

This is the last time we can talk. I've got to learn Occlumency.

…what?

I know. I'm sorry, Voldy.

It was an honor being your friend, Harry Potter.

It was an honor being yours, Tom- may I call you Tom?

Of course, Harry- if I can call you that?

Of course. I'll miss you, Voldy.

I'll- I'll miss you too, friend.


And that night, for the first time, Lord Voldemort cried.