Now, go put on Gorillaz - Dare before you start reading this.
Welcome to the Family
You're dating the second most important female in Edolas. Her father is the most powerful man in Edolas, and her mother is the most powerful female in Edolas, not to mention that she's also the General of the Royal Army with a reputation for being a cold hearted sadistic murderer. But hey, you're still stuck on the part where she was the infamous Fairy Hunter with a knack for running all over the country killing random mages. Still, at least you've got the sense to brace yourself for the potential bloodshed. Not really, but misguided optimism is all you've got left because no sane person would or should attempt what you're trying to do.
Your girl pulls you into the royal dining hall with a giggle, clearly enjoying that look of utter horror on your, in your humble opinion, ridiculously handsome face, while whispering words of reassurance all the way. You put on a confident façade. You're going to make a total fool out of yourself in front of her parents but you don't need to look stupid in front of her too.
The realisation is finally sinking in as you sit down at the table. Rumours were that the Erza Knightwalker castrated the last guy to visit but hey, if it's any consolation, you're probably much hotter than that guy. Maybe she'll let you off in recognition of your pretty face.
You glance over to your girl, she smiles, no wait is that a smirk?
Oh God, this must be some sort of family tradition or family ritual or something where the royal parents decide to torture you with some sort of sick mind games while their daughter just hangs around to see if you break or like die on the spot from a heart attack, or if you're lucky, courtesy of the famous Ten Commandments. Having the honour of dying from the Ten Commandments, and it is an honour because then that would mean the Queen has deemed you worthy to die by her hand. Joy.
The click of the door opening echoes all around the room and you nearly pee your pants. Nearly, because you have exceptional bladder control but that's not really important right now because the King and Queen are coming in and your beloved is having the time of her life watching you squirm. Sadistic girl, just like her mother.
You're not sure what you're supposed to do. Are you supposed to bow since it's the King and Queen coming in? Or are you supposed to go up to your potential father and mother-in-law and shake their hands? But your hands are sweating like crazy right now, in fact they're shaking so much they'd think you were on crack or something, so you opt for the former, hoping, praying that you'd at least make it to dessert before you die a quick and painless death.
You straighten up to see the King smiling at you, eyes warm and gentle. Hopefully he'll try to save you if the Queen decides to kill you. He is one of the most powerful fighters in the kingdom. Surely he could intercept his wife's killing blow if it ever came down to it. But then again, that was only if he was willing to do so or if he didn't join in.
The Erza Knightwalker, on the other hand, is staring at you disapprovingly, arms crossed across her chest, OH GOD STOP STARING AT HER CHEST, (it's not really your fault, I mean she's wearing nothing but a bikini-like breast armour top thing and she's just damn hot) and you shrink back. And is that the Ten Commandments strapped to her back? What kind of person hauls a 6 foot long spear to dinner at the royal palace? Maybe it's because she needs to use it when people annoy her, like when someone says the wrong thing and WHAM, straight through the heart. Game over.
A sudden image of a kebab pops into your head and you can feel all the blood drain from your face. Your girlfriend reaches over to grasp at your hand but you shift away slightly because you know SOMEONE is going to kill you for touching his or her baby girl.
Jellal chuckles and gestures for you to sit down. You comply with his unspoken order as the servants set down the food. Your fingers dig into your knees and you try to listen, to respond and give polite answers. Jellal makes pleasant small talk and your girlfriend chimes in occasionally while Erza Knightwalker eats silently. Your eyes flicker over to the knife she's using to cut her steak. It's sharp and it flashes under the diamond white light of the dining room.
A hand snakes over to your thighs and you nearly jump a foot into the air.
Your girlfriend wants her mother to kill you. Your girlfriend wants her father to kill you. It would be so easy for Jellal to obliterate you with a magic spell across the table. It would be even easier for Erza Knightwalker to just throw her knife between your eyes. Quick and painless. Yay.
You ask yourself why, why on earth you accepted the invitation to meet her parents. You have quite a few reasons but at the moment, only one sticks in your mind.
Oh yeah, that's right. Because that would be disrespectful to her parents and disrespecting the King and Queen is something you really don't want to do. Unless you're suicidal. Or just stupid, like you.
You snap out of it as Jellal laughs and you join in the laughter hastily. Please don't let it be something you're not supposed to laugh at. Like maybe some inside joke about Erza Knightwalker or some jibe at your girlfriend. He glances at you, eyebrows furrowed slightly and you freeze.
OH GOD, WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?
YOU'RE GOING TO DIE, LIKE RIGHT NOW.
But then he throws back his head and laughs even harder and you breathe a sigh of relief. You live to die another day. Or like within the next hour but every minute you're alive seems like a bonus.
Your girlfriend suddenly speaks up, excusing herself to go use the washroom. Oh shit, that leaves you all alone with the two most important and most powerful people in the kingdom. But it's alright, everything is going to be fine as long as you don't say anything and keep your eyes on the food. Of course, that plan would only work if no one actually tried to speak with you, which knowing your luck, was never going to happen.
"So, what do you do?"
And the Queen has just spoken. Well aren't you lucky?
You nearly choke on your mouthful and you try your best to swallow, gulping down your water in a desperate attempt to soothe your aching throat. You heave and inhale deeply as Jellal looks amused. The man is enjoying himself and at that moment, you decide that he will most definitely not step in if Erza decides to kill you.
You try not to stutter and you muster up all of your withering confidence and look her in the eye as you answer. "I'm a fighter of Atlas Reno."
Or at least that's what you think you did because in reality, you were probably squeaking like a hamster that was being stepped on by a 500 pound Legion. Manly, really.
She's looking at you.
Oooh, she's judging you.
YOU SEE, YOU'RE JUST NOT GOOD ENOUGH. You should have known. They're the two best fighters in the kingdom and you're just some little punk with his grubby little paws on their daughter. Way to go, buddy.
Don't just go 'hm', what does that even mean?
Is it more of a "you're not good enough and you'll never be so spare me the effort and go right now" kind of hm or is it a "I'm judging you so much that I can't even bother to say anything" kind of hm?
You try to justify yourself. "My choices of weapons are dual swords."
She turns to look at you with beautiful brown eyes glinting with sadistic glee and you just want to shit your pants right then right there. Because you know YOU'RE DEAD. You don't know why but you just know it.
You hear the King snicker like a little boy being offered candy and you're tempted to shoot him a glare. Instead, you just stare at his wife in morbid fascination and stutter.
"I…yes…I'm not bad with them."
She smiles, not just any smile, but more of an amused smirk at your pathetic attempts at impressing one of the most powerful fighters in Edolas.
Something stirs in your head. You know there's something wrong with what you've just told them. But what?
It's coming up…
Something clicks in that pea-sized brain of yours.
It's coming up…
It's coming up…
It's coming up…
Everybody knows of the epic battle that went down between Erza Knightwalker and Erza Scarlet and EVERYBODY KNOWS that there's some beef between those two.
So what does that tell you?
It's coming up…
You're sweating bullets.
Come on! Think, you're almost there!
It's coming up…
WHAT DOES THAT TELL YOU?
ERZA SCARLET USES SWORDS.
You're fucked. She's going to pound you into the ground. Although to be fair, she would probably have done the same thing even if you were using something like a potato but the point stands. You've just dug your own grave.
"How about a spar after dinner then?"
Once again, congratulations are in order. Give yourself a pat on the back.
"I…didn't bring my swords with me."
Ha! You've dodged a bullet there. Aren't you clever, you clever, clever boy.
"You can borrow some, we have lots of those in the armoury."
OH COME ON.
Erza leans back in her chair, crossing her arms across her chest triumphantly as Jellal leans forwards on his elbows, a cheeky grin on his face, and says in a loud voice, "Well, that's settled then!"
At least you'll live past dessert if that's any consolation…that is until an excited squeal sounds behind you and your girlfriend runs into the dining hall, hugging her father from behind excitedly.
"So when is it?" She asks happily.
Ah, and here's another problem which concerns the reason why you accepted the Royal Family's invitation to dinner.
"Hm? When is what?" Jellal asks.
You open your mouth to tell her not to answer but she beats you to it, effectively sealing your fate.
"The wedding of course, what else?"
Yeah, there we go. The Reason.
An unmistakable dark aura hangs in the air as both parents turn to glare at you and you get to your feet slowly.
If looks could kill, you'd be dead a million times over. No, that would be silly. You would have been atomised, like what your friend told you his girlfriend's dad said to him when he had to meet the Fernandes.
Well, in your case, welcome to the family ~
So, Hikari and I were talking about Luka and I asked her if she remembered Meet The Fernandes, which if you're in the Jerza fandom and you don't know it then shame on you xD
Anyway, I thought it would be fun to do a Mystwalker version and so she did one and I did one (I tried not to read MTK and MTF while I was writing this). But being the slow, half assed writer, it's taken me forever to finish this. And being the romangst author that you guys love and hate, I thought it would be a nice challenge to do a humour fic this time round but I'm drowning so deep in angst that the entire fic is like made up of dark humour. I don't even…
Personally I don't know if this is funny because 1) I'm the author so I don't actually like most of the stuff I write, or 2) maybe it's just not funny. But hey, my first crazy attempt at crack, you can't expect great things from me, tis not fair. Life's not fair! I hear you cry, well yeah ok that's true.
I tell you, this was really hard to write because I had to change my style completely, deliberately and in an insanely exaggerated / dramatic way.
On another note, Lukaaaaa if you want me to pull this down (you don't but I'm just saying), then get your butt online because hey, it's been 6 months and I miss your beautiful face (though I'm stalking you but tis not the same buddy).
I couldn't resist putting in the Gorillaz reference btw, though I did change the word but come on, it works. Actually fun fact, the song was originally supposed to go "it's there" rather than "it's dare" so I didn't stray too far?
And of course, the MTF reference. I love you Luka, y chu no luff Wolfy no more QQ