BtVS/Angel by Whedon and Mutant Enemy. Many characters and slogans by Geico Insurance with a guest appearance by an AFLAC property.


A Caveman Can Do It

"Funny, I thought we'd met every lawyer in that place."

"My name's Lindsey McDonald. I'm not in-house," he says, handing them a card. "I've just come here to say that, yes, the slogan is offensive, but you two have no right to be offended by it."

"What are you talking about? My brother and I are clearly 'cavemen', which, I might add, is not a politically correct term, and it was phrased-"

"I completely agree, but you two aren't cavemen. I mean you are non-homo sapiens sapiens, possibly even relics of original genetic material but, well, look at your home. You live in a posh near-penthouse apartment. You're fluent in several languages and you have a well-honed grasp of advanced electronics. You're not cavemen. Get over it."

"Okay... You know I see where you're going here. You're saying the negative stereotype applies to the culture, not our abnormally hirsute appearance."

"Exactly. I mean you two are walking success stories. You smell nice. You're not immensely stupid backwater hicks living in dank rock holes, wallowing in your own filth."

##

"What did you just call our mom?"


Yet A Gecko Can't

"Hello? Mr. Angel?"

"Yes? Where... Oh. Hello."

"Yes, sorry, oh. These chairs do seem rather high... *struggles* Yes, I was wondering if I could sue for breach of verbal contract."

"Really? Could you start from the beginning?"

"Well, I needed help to spread the word about the great offers available at the company I advertise for... So I went around the world speaking to about 30 varieties of lizards and other reptiles about what I needed them to do to make the world a better place. When I asked if they were ready to spread the news they nodded and ran off. But it's six months since the trip, that I paid for out of my own pocket, and not a single one of them has been heard from. I mean, if I'd-"

"Hold up, Mr... Gecko... Did any of them, even a single one, demonstrate the capability of speech... Of any kind?"

"Wait... You, know I see where you're going here."

*sigh* "Next client."


Squirrels Watch Out

Two squirrels are sitting in a tree when they spot a bulky and nerdy van coming up the tree-filled road.

They look at each other and play Paper-Scissors-Rock. The winner jumps out of the tree and runs into the middle of the narrow lane, his black eyes glinting with malicious laughter.

At the very last second, the car swerves to miss the squirrel. It drives straight into the side of the hill and there is a very loud crash.

The squirrel on the ground gives his friend in the tree a thumbs-up sign.

The other squirrel is scampering down the tree to congratulate his buddy on yet another awesome wreck, when he hears a loud *ZAP*.

He looks into the middle of the road... He doesn't get what his eyes are telling him, at first, but soon an expression of horror has stretched across his fuzzy features.

His buddy in the middle of the road is now a squirrel-cicle from the neck downwards.

"That takes care of that," Warren says, as he lowers the freeze ray. "I told you we should never have let him drive."

"What?" Andrew leans out of the driver's seat. "You can't just expect me to squish cute things! Their entrails are... icky."

"Riiight."

##

The warm squirrel asks his mostly frozen buddy: "Are you okay?"

"Yeah, I can't move much right now, but I'll thaw out. The best part is that I've got that workplace insurance that covers injuries."

"What insurance?"

##

"Oh wow," Jonathan taps Warren on the shoulder and points up the road. "I think it is a conspiracy. Look, there's another squirrel... And he brought a duck with him."

*ZAP*


There's A Mom On The Road

Vehicles honk at the brown-haired lady trying to pass herself off as a car. From the waiting at traffic lights to the turn signals to the bumper stickers plastered across her butt.

Eventually she pulls up in front of her kid's school. She pulls a bike horn out of her purse and honks it to get her daughter's attention.

"Mom! What are you doing?"

"Well, with all the slaying you do and all the trouble you bring home with you... The repair bill to the doors and the furniture is costing way too much. I'm not sure I even have enough money to spend on car insurance this month, so I came to pick you up on foot. Enough talk, now hop on!"

"Mom... Are you under a spell or are you just trying to prove a point?"

"... A little bit of both."


Why The Gecko Is Lonely

Ever wonder why the Gecko is reluctant to discuss his personal life? It went something like this:

"So, Willow, you met this incredible guy while helping your mom buy car insurance?"

"Yeah, I mean he was the Customer Service Rep for GEICO on duty when I went on-line... We just had this incredible, mainly babble-free conversation, plus he helped us save a lot of money. He actually asked me out on a date! We even chatted on the phone for awhile, I recognized his voice immediately. He does the voice for the Gecko on TV!"

"Wow! So, you don't know what he actually looks like?"

"No, but he should be wearing a red carnation."

They sip their drinks, looking across the heads of the people in the crowded room, trying to spot Willow's date... But they never do...

Eventually, they leave, disappointed, murmuring about drowning their sorrows in Bollywood flicks... About how glad they were it wasn't 'Moloch Returns'... How much they'd been hurt...

On a bar stool in the crowded room, the Gecko sits, unnoticed by all the people towering over him.

After a while, his head sinks to his chest and he begins to cry from sheer loneliness, tears flowing down onto the red flower tied around his waist.


When You Need Help Saying The Words

Dawn Summers is a real person, not an actor. So to help her out we hired that announcer guy from the movies. Not the real one, this is a story.

"So we were just driving happily along, when out of nowhere this, uh, moose, begins to attack our car."

"RAMPAGING MOOSE STRIKE FEAR INTO THE HEART OF AN INNOCENT YOUTH."

"Glass just flew everywhere and it was horrible, but with my trusty taser and the help of a friend I was able to, uh, scare it away."

"SELF DEFENSE. IT'S WORTH IT."

"A quick phone call later and we were driving safely again in no time... When you've been kidnapped as many times as I have, it pays to know the value of good insurance."

"REPEATED ABDUCTEE SPEAKS OUT. FILM AT 11."