TW: Sexual Assault
Spoilers: Internal Affairs, s15e03
Disclaimer: I do not own Law & Order: SVU. No profit made, no infringement intended.
She was a great actress alright, the problem was, her acting was method. Sweet 16 with rum and cokes was how she first picked up gambling, but that wasn't the only trouble she got in. The football jocks were just as handsy as they were bad at poker. At the time it just seemed like the cost of drinking around horny teenage boys.
She tries to remind herself that it's just Cassidy on top of her, that they're both just acting and he's got her back. Reality is no match for flashbacks. By the time it's over, she needs out of that damn room, needs to see the sky and feel the wind. Anything to help her remember she's not in that motel room.
Amanda manages to shrug it off and fake it when Fin and Cragen join her. She's not a rookie at that part. When Olivia comes, she's focused on finding Cassidy, but she still pauses as she looks at Amanda. Benson's always been a great detective.
It's later, after they've got Cassidy and made the arrest, that Amanda darts into the restroom, and Olivia follows. Amanda is leaning over the sink, the cold water she splashed on her face trickling down into her neck. Olivia waits by the wall, giving Amanda space, silence, and time for the words to come.
"It's okay," Olivia finally says, soft and knowing.
"This is stupid. Why the hell are you the one comforting me? I'm a big girl who went undercover and came out just fine. I don't have anything to complain about," Amanda says, more to herself than to Olivia.
"Pain isn't a competition," Olivia replies gently.
Amanda chuckles, sadness in her eyes.
"Feelings are just feelings, you don't have to earn them. You get to be scared, you get to be angry," Olivia continues.
"I hate it," Amanda finally admits. "How they used their power, their shield to do those awful things."
"People put their trust in us, they trust us to protect them. If we break that trust-," Amanda pauses, unable to continue.
"It's a violation of everything we're taught to believe," Olivia finishes for her.
For a moment there's silence, as Amanda tries to pull herself together.
"We'll get them, right?" She finally asks.
"We will," Olivia reassures her.