When I first moved into the Drawn Together house, I thought it was just Foxxy who had parenting issues. But then I saw Toot's baby go to foster care, Captain Hero's inbred retard of a son... and Spanky killed every child he had without any regret. I was worried that maybe we were all shitty parents, and maybe I was about to be proven right.
I woke up on the couch, slightly messed up from doing Ling-Ling the night before, to the sound of the phone I had to share with six retards and Foxxy. Didn't they know not to call the Drawn Together cast at the crack of noon? Anyway, Hero picked up the call, in his usual whiney effeminate voice.
"Hello? Who is it? Child Services again? Oh, how lovely to hear from you! If it's Foxxy you want, she's out with Spanky, call back later. You don't want to talk with her? Oh, OK then. No, there's nobody called Craig here, I'm sorry."
Craig? I thought. Not Craig, please!
Hero was still talking, twirling his hair around his finger. "What? Oh, Xandir? Yes, you can speak to him." Christ, he sounded like a helium addict.
"Oh, fuck me," I said, as he handed me the receiver. "Hello?"
"Your son was found lost and unattended in the middle of Azeroth."
I gasped. "Really? How come?"
"We're asking you," the voice said sternly.
"What? Oh, you don't get it," I replied. "He's not in my custody."
"It says so on our records."
"No, he lives with his father." I giggled nervously. "Oh, this must be a terrible misunderstanding."
There was silence on the line for a few moments.
"Sir," said the social worker, "Craig has been dead for sixteen months now."
I gasped again. "Really? How come? Where's Craig Junior been all this time?"
"We assumed he was with you."
"OK, OK," I said, trying to keep my breathing steady. "Look, just bring him over to our place and I'll look after him."
"You know where the Drawn Together house is," I said flatly. I hung up.
During my conversation, Clara and Wooldoor had come downstairs in their pyjamas, and were now staring at me. I looked from one to the other, trying to keep my breathing steady as the shock settled in.
"CRAIG'S DEAD!" I cried, unable to control myself. "Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God, oh my God!" I frantically began pacing the room.