Disclaimer: I own nothing but the plot line; the characters belong to S Meyer. All lyrics belong to their respective writers/artists.

AN: A list of the songs used can be seen on my profile. Please note that this is NOT a songfic I just liked the idea of using some of the lyrics from the playlist I picked to match this little story of mine in the character's dialog. This is un-beta'd, not proof read and all mistakes are mine. That being said if anyone would like to proof read/beta my little creation please message me and we'll talk.


BPOV

Its morning and we slept the night away it happened now we can't turn back. We are such a cliché, the nanny and the unfaithful husband eye roll. I'm being blasé about the whole thing but deep down I'm in agony, my guilt writhing and wriggling in my soul and each beat of my heart screams her name "Alice, Alice, Alice." I'm tucked in to your side like I belong there but we both know you belong to me for just one night.

I always knew this would happen, from the moment I saw you, you've ruined me for other men. I snort in derision at myself, I sound like such an ass but it's true I'll never want anyone else after last night. Oh God the things you did, do, to me! You flew me up in to the clouds, I saw God, I was blinded by stars, you took me out in to the universe so I could shatter and brake then you held me softly as we floated back down to our own little world that is my one bedroom apartment. But now that was last night and now oh a new day brings reality.

You must feel my anxious stare as you begin to stir from your sleep, your eyelashes flutter against your cheekbones and my whole body aches for you as you open your eyes and capture me in your green stare. The corners of your pouty mouth curl up in a sleepy, content smile before you pull me in even tighter and press your soft lips against my quivering ones. I'm torn, your touches and kisses feel like love but the wedding ring that presses cold and hard in to my lower back burns me and I can see her ,your wife, and your love starts to feel like lies.

My quivering turns to shaking and my internal struggle slips out of my hold and pours out of my mouth in to yours in the form of whimpers and panic filled gasps. You stroke away my tears and tell me it'll all be fine, that you meant every word to me last night, that your love is real and you won't leave me to be alone in this. I want to believe you but all I can see, all I can feel is that damned wedding ring. It taunts me and screams "Slut! Home wrecker!" and my tears start all over again.

Your phone rings then, we both freeze for a split second before you roll over and answer with a cheery "Good morning darlin'" it makes me sick to my stomach. I can't lie in this bed with you, both of us naked, while you explain to your wife that you got stuck at work last night but you'll be home soon and did her and the kids want breakfast? At the mention of your children, oh God your beautiful children, my stomach heaves and I run to the toilet to purge my guilt but it seems my punishment is to suffer this guilt festering in my stomach as nothing comes up.

What have I done, what have we done? I'm kneeling in front of the toilet when you walk in wearing just your underwear, the same underwear I practically ripped from your body in my lust filled desperation last night, and you kneel behind me.

"Come on love, please don't torture yourself like this. Bella I want you, I love you and this, as horrible as it may feel, was a good thing. I couldn't have gone one more day without being with you." My conscience knows this is wrong but I let his words placate me and I turn in to his touch as he pulls me against him. He strokes my hair and kisses my face and drowns me in his words of love, I let him lift my soul and bury my guilt and I know that this was not a onetime thing. I know I will let this happen again. Edward pulls me to my feet and helps me in to the shower, "let me fix you some breakfast babe while you shower and then we can talk ok?" he smiles the devils smile and I smile right back.

After my shower, where I sing the lyrics to jingle bells over and over to drown out my self-deprecating thoughts, I wrap my fuzzy bath robe around my body and join him in the kitchen. Pancakes, that bastard made me pancakes, oh how I wish I could hate him but mother fucking pancakes! I smile and clap and kiss him in thanks. Subconsciously I know what he's doing, I know he's playing nice so I don't ask him to leave and never come back but I don't care because I need him. Silly man doesn't he know that he has me, that I'll never leave him or ask him to go?

We finish our pancakes in comfortable silence and then the conversation begins. I agree I will continue being his nanny because he wants to be able to see me at least once a day even if he cannot actually touch me. I agree that I will not see any one else other than Edward, like that's even an option after the way that man touched me. I agree that he cannot leave his wife, people in his line of work didn't get divorced and I couldn't stand the thought of those gorgeous children burying their mother because of my whoring. And lastly I agree to be his mistress, because really what choice did I have? I couldn't live without this man and if I had to share him so be it.

Oh poor Alice, it would be so much easier if she was a hateful person, if I could hate her as much as she's going to hate me. I would never want to hurt her, no, no, no. She has done so much for me and how have I repaid her? By fucking her husband. Oh Edward why can't you see how loving you is killing me, I can't think of no one else.

I watch you dress, in that dangerous suit I helped you out of last night, and I try to strengthen myself for the future. A future where I will never be married, where I could be cast aside at any moment, where I will have to go days without holding you, where I'll have to watch you be her husband instead of mine and the thought makes me ache. And now it's time for us to say goodbye, "Goodbye baby," soft loving kisses and you're leaving me. I know you've got to hurry home to face your wife; you gotta go home to your wife.

You close the door softly and it starts, the loneliness closes in and reality slaps me hard in the face. This is my life now, the life of a mistress.