Journals #15

Chapter One

Disclaimer: I don't own Firefly or any character, situations or places connected with Firefly. Firefly and all associated names and characters are property of Joss Whedon, who I am not. I do not own, you do not sue.

Summary: Kaylee keeps a journal...Kaylee/Jayne

Entry 87

Life in space has never been easy. I've lived on Serenity since Mal picked me up...must have been three years ago. Life before that was different. My dad fought for the brother fought for the Alliance. In the end they both died, and Mum was left with me and my little brother to take care of. So when I heard about Serenity...well, I packed up what I couldn't stand to live without and showed up on Mal's doorstep the next day. I never heard from Mum again, but I think Luke will take care of her.

It's strange sometimes, living on a ship like this. Don't get me wrong, sometimes I'm more comfortable here than on the ground but...when I lived planet-bound, I would see the ships lifting off and I wanted to go with them. Just to see where they were going, to be among the stars (does that sound cheesy or what?) but now I think about my family a lot. I wonder what it means. Is family my parents? My brothers? Or is it Mal and Zoe and Wash? Is family who you choose or who is chosen for you?

Is family Jayne?

Sometimes he makes me so mad you know? He has to act like some sort of tough, 'I don't care about anything' kind of jerk. Even more so since we picked up those new passengers. Okay, yes, I was kind of fawning over Simon. He's a doctor, that's so incredible...I mean, Inara is the most intelligent person I know, but what she does isn't exactly...doctorish. But anyway. Why does Jayne say things like that? Just in front of Mal it would be bad enough, but a passenger? A cute passenger at that! Inara said Jayne was probably jealous. Right, like Jayne could be interested in me. I'm just the mechanic as far as he's concerned. Someone who has to be around for stuff to work-'cause believe me, this ship would not run if anyone but I were taking care of it. She's a stubborn old boat, that's for sure. I'm not exactly the type that inspires sonnets you know? At best men seem to think of me as a little sister, when the notice me at all. Like how Mal and Wash see me-cute little sister-ish Kaylee.

Okay, why does this suddenly bug me?

I am not interested in Jayne. Oh...gorrammit!

Ruttin' emotions.

Entry 88

Talked to Inara today. Great, she's confirmed it. I am completely, insanely, Juliet in love with Jayne. Shoot. Shoot shoot shoot. This totally screws up everything. Fine, slightly melodramatic. It would screw up everything if Jayne so much as suspected it, but luckily, I am a master at hiding my emotions!

Entry 89

Jayne knows. Oh my God, Jayne knows.

What am I gonna do now? He heard me talking to myself about it...then I just kind of flipped and ran for my room. Where I am now. Avoiding Jayne.

Why did Mal make up that STUPID no alcohol on-ship rule? Probably because of the time Wash got drop-down drunk and almost flew us into a cliff...and why did I answer myself? I need to talk to Inara again.

Entry 90

Inara is absolutely no help. She told me to stop avoiding Jayne. Oh yeah, as if talking to him will help anything. That sounded a lot dumber than it was intended, but-you know what I mean! I know what I'll do. I'll just...avoid him. Until he leaves. He won't stay with Serenity forever, he'll move on when he finds a better job and suddenly this isn't sounding like a plus.

Ugh. Whimpering. I don't know what to do! PLEASE, someone HELP!

I hate it when River does that. I am NOT going to talk to him. Hear me River? NOT! And DO NOT LISTEN IN ON MY THOUGHTS! Blah. And I thought it was neat before...

I'm really flipping over this aren't I? Even Simon's noticing. Oh great, another wonderfully confusing element. Simon asked me to go to dinner next time we stopped on a decent planet. PERFECT! Ruttin' perfect...I swear, the second we stop somewhere, I'm getting a hotel room and a BATH. No more stupid bowls of water...I hate sponge baths. Hate hate.

I'm going to go fix something.