Disclaimer: I, Darkpetal16, do not own Naruto.
"What are you doing here?" hissed Madara once he saw me entering the Uchiha compound. "Nina's still looking for you."
"I know," I said, grinning. "That's why I'm here."
Madara stared at me for a good long minute. "Have I questioned your sanity today?'
"Not today, no," I admitted.
"Are you insane?!"
I winked. "Only for you, baby."
He made more funny choking sounds, and I could have sworn he flushed considerably, too. Alas, I didn't have a chance to truly ponder this, though, as Nina came barreling into view. Her eyes went wide, her cheeks flushed red, and her nostrils flared. Everything about her screamed murderous intent when she saw me. She jabbed a long, red-fingernail-painted finger at me. "YOU!"
Quickly deciding that I valued my life enough to not point out that by this point, the damage was done and I had already seen Izuna naked a fair few times. I instead, went an entirely different route, thanking the heavens above of my ambiguous sexuality.
Izuna rounded the corner looking exasperated. "Nina—"
"Don't try and stop me, Izu-chan! This is between women."
I gave a woeful sigh. "Oh, Nina-chan, I'm so sorry you had to find out this way."
"How dare you!" Nina blustered, but I just clucked my tongue and glided over to her. With skills that I had acquired from the Great Super Pervert himself, that only his darling Super Pervert apprentice could ever hope of mastering, as well, I began to shamelessly bullshit everyone.
Her cheeks turned a dusty pink when she recognized the smoldering look I was giving her. "Wh-Wha..."
"You see, Nina-chan, I like you—as in like-like you," I declared boldly, enjoying how Madara started squeaking, and Izuna eyed me suspiciously. Nina, however, just looked very embarrassed—which I thought looked very cute. She really was a piece of eye candy. "I knew that you could never love me, though, as I have come to realize that your true love lies with Izuna. I sought only your happiness, Nina-chan!"
"Wh-Wh-What?" Nina squeaked. "Th-That can't be!"
I nodded my head sagely. "I never meant to hurt you, NIna-chan, but now that I see you here... my true identity unmasked... I cannot hold back any longer! Izuna, I challenge you for Nina-chan!"
Izuna snorted. "No way."
I kneed him in the stomach before he could turn away. He snarled at me and landed a vicious punch against my nose—effectively breaking it—and our fight began. It was short, and I purposely allowed him to hit me many more times than necessary. When I was satisfied with the results, I finally collapsed against the ground, wheezing. "I concede! I concede! You... you have won."
Izuna looked smug. "Damn straight I did, you perv."
I sighed woefully, sniffling and looking away dramatically. "You have won, and I will no longer pursue Nina-chan. It is clear to me that you love her, just as passionately as she loves you. For it was you who rightfully defended her."
"That's right I—what?"
Nina squealed. "Izu-chan, I knew you loved me! Oh, I just knew it."
This time, it was Izuna who was paling and making hilarious squeaking noises.
"I will always care for you, Nina-chan. Forgive me for failing!" I cried out.
Nina whirled around on me, her eyes bright. "Oh, of course, Sasori-chan. I forgive you. I had no idea you felt that way, and I'm so sorry!"
"You are too kind. Now hurry! Tend to Izuna. I did injure him, you know, and he needs you."
Izuna gave me the most petrified look, while I bowed out, grabbed Madara's hand and fled before I could start breaking out into hysterical laughter. Once we were a good distance away, I couldn't hold it back anymore and I fell down, wheezing with laughter.
"You tricked her," Madara accused.
"She was gonna hate me for life if I didn't," I defended myself. "Besides, she is pretty darn cute. I'm surprised Izuna hasn't jumped her, yet. I mean, if I had a cute girl falling all over me..."
"But you're already a cute girl!" Madara exclaimed, tossing me an exasperated look. "Why do you want another cute girl following you?!"
"You think I'm cute?" I teased.
Madara deadpanned, "I'm not blind, you moron. You may be a disgusting peasant, but you're somewhat appealing to look at. Well, you aren't an eyesore... most of the time."
"You think I'm cu-ute," I sung.
"Well, now I don't anymore. Cute girls aren't narcissistic," he snapped.
I flipped my hair. "Psh. You're just jealous. Now give me a minute. I have to heal my broken nose, again."
Once that was taken care of—it's kind of getting scary how used to broken bones I was getting—I beamed at Madara and asked, "So what do you want to do now?"
"You should tell Nina the truth," he told me.
"I will," I promised. "When I'm sure she won't turn all crazy jealous and possessive over me being friends with Izuna. And probably accidentally peeping on him when I peep on you. Anyway, she just needs to not get so self-conscious, be a bit more confident in where she stood with Izuna, and then I'll tell her the truth. It's pointless to just cause some needless stress, or drama between us. And I wasn't entirely lying. She really is a cutie, and I certainly wouldn't mind if she chose to fangirl over me like she does to Izuna."
"You peep on me?!"
"Not yet," I said with a roll of my eyes.
Madara rubbed his forehead. "Wait. So which do you like, guys or girls? First you tease me, then you say you want a cute girl, and now you're back to... to... me."
"Why can't I like both?" I questioned.
Madara shrugged. "I don't know. You're the first person I met that would." He paused. "If you do, then this explains a lot of things... and answers the question of your sexuality."
"So, um... what do you want to do now?"
Madara sighed. "I don't know. To be honest, I was kind of planning on spending the day hiding you from Nina, but that was actually resolved rather quickly."
"Aww, you were gonna waste your day protecting me?" I cooed. "That's so sweet of you."
"The only person allowed to maim you is me, Izuna, and Hashirama," Madara said dismissively, looking mildly disgusted when I started hugging him. "Get off!"
I started patting his hair.
"What are you doing?" he demanded.
"Shhh. Just trust me."
"No! Sasori, get off. Sasori. Sasori where is that hand roaming to?! SASORI, STOP THAT THIS INSTANT!"
When he decided enough was enough and took a swing at me, I finally pulled back and cackled. "This is great! I'm going to have so much fun finally being a girl around you guys."
Madara almost whimpered.
"So how did it go with Madara?" Hashirama questioned. Butsuma, Tobirama, Izuna, Hashirama, and I were sitting around the kitchen table the following day. Azumi was showing Kakuzu around the compound at my request (as I would be giving him some hands-on experience soon, so he needed to be familiar with my most common clients).
"Pretty good," I admitted. "Although, Kayo-chan tried to get me to marry Madara."
Itama gasped, and Butsuma looked up sharply. Hashirama, however, just beamed. "Oh, wow! That would be so cool. My two best friends getting married... we really could have a joint wedding, then, you know!"
I chuckled. "Probably not going to happen. Madara practically had a seizure when she brought it up."
Tobirama snorted. "I don't blame him."
"Nii-chan," Itama began sharply, his eyes narrowing into slits. He then stuck his nose up in the air and turned around towards me, smiling shyly. "S-So, then, Sasori-sama... D-Do you want t-to... marry... anyone?"
"Perhaps you should marry someone from the Senju clan," Butsuma put in slyly. "Tobirama and Itama, for instance, haven't been given any brides, yet."
Tobirama's reaction mimicked Madara's, while Itama looked positively delighted.
I rolled my eyes. "Tobirama would sooner gut himself than marry me, and Itama's a tad too young for marriage right now, don't you think?"
"I am not!" Itama denied instantly.
"Well, you're too young for me," I clarified, completely missing the devastated look that fell over him when I said that.
"He'll grow up," Butsuma dismissed.
I hummed. "I guess so..."
Kakuzu and Azumi re-entered the kitchen. Kakuzu immediately moved to sit by me, un-minding of the jealous looks Itama was giving him. Butsuma smiled at his wife. "Azumi, what do you say to Sasori and Itama getting married?"
"If that's what they want," Azumi murmured.
"Yes," Itama said quickly, and I shrugged.
"Personally, I'd rather not get married so soon," I admitted. "Unless it's to Kisame-sama, then hell yes, but seeing how Kisame-sama's already rejected my offer to elope, that's not happening."
Itama whimpered. "Wh-Who's Kisame?!"
"You won't know him, my dear minion," I dismissed. "He's the greatest swordsmen to have ever lived, and is the sexiest person I have ever had the pleasure of knowing."
Itama's face slammed into the table and he gave a low, pitiful groan.
Hashirama sighed and patted his young brother's back. He looked over at me. "What would you like to do now?"
"I'd like to get started on healing everyone up, then I need to head back and give more lessons to Kakuzu. I should be getting more letters soon from Ibuse, and the others, too…"
"How is your family doing?" Azumi inquired politely.
"Good so far," I said, shrugging. "They're trying to convince me to go back to them, but that's not happening for a long time."
"Maybe they can visit," Hashirama suggested.
I crinkled my nose at that. "They wouldn't get along too well with most of you guys."
"How do you know?'
"Because I know them, and I know you. Those that could visit wouldn't get along too well with you," I clarified, thinking of Hidan, and Sasori.
I shuddered to imagine the chaos the two would wreak in order to convince me to go back with them.
"But, that's moot," I dismissed. "They aren't coming, and I'm certainly not going to them."
Not now, at least.
"So," Madara drawled out slowly, "I suppose everyone knows now."
"Well, everyone in the immediate area," I clarified. "I still have to formally announce it to the monks."
"That's great, though," Hashirama said happily. "You don't have to hide it anymore."
I shrugged. "Sure, it makes it easier, but I know I'll miss out on all the jokes at your guys' expense."
"I'm certain you will find a way to live without that," Madara said heavily.
I pouted. "But, I don't really want to…"
Hashirama laughed easily at my sour expression, while Madara rolled his eyes. "Enough with your insanity for the moment. I have something of greater importance to discuss."
"Oh, yeah?" I challenged. "What could be more important than slowly turning you and Hashi-washi insane with me?"
"Everything else in the world," Madara snapped, "but, more importantly… I believe I had located the Forest Shrine."
Hashirama paled, while I quirked an eyebrow.
It had been roughly a decade since we last truly discussed the Forest Shrine. It was a legend—myth, really, I was sure of given that I had no recollection of it in Naruto's history—that somewhere in this very forest—in the Land of Fire—was a shrine.
It was no ordinary shrine. The myth about it was that it was haunted by ghosts of cannibals, and should anyone enter the shrine… their bones would turn up at the door step of their families, seemingly gnawed upon.
Around a decade ago, Madara had taken Hashirama and me into the forest in search of this so-called shrine. We never found it (much to Hashirama's relief) and the subject had been dropped.
"Lead the way, then," I said, gesturing out my front door.
Hashirama whimpered and shook his head. "No. No. No. No. No. No. We are not going ghost hunting."
"Well, Maddie-hime and I are," I said, crossing my arms over my chest and smirking slyly at him. "So unless you want to be left out…"
Hashirama groaned pitifully at the idea of us abandoning him. "Nooooooo… Why must the two things I love go anywhere near the one thing I hate in this world?"
"We're testing how much you love us," I explained easily.
Hashirama continued to moan, burying his face in his hands, even as he stood up from his chair around the table and started trotting behind us. As the three of us headed outside, I spared Kakuzu a glance—he was tending to the garden. "We're off to go ghost hunting, sweetie. Be back later."
Kakuzu grunted a response, but I couldn't tell exactly what he said.
Hashirama and I followed behind Madara dutifully (well, I actually had to drag Hashirama), as he lead us deep into the forest. I was fairly familiar with the forest—I had to go hunting frequently for Kakuzu's and mine's dinner, but the forest was vast enough that there were parts I had yet to explore. It took a good couple hours of sprinting through the tree tops before Madara singled that we were near.
Madara dropped down to the forest floor, and we followed suit. Hashirama whimpered pitifully, and I rolled my eyes at him.
"Why aren't you guys scared, too?" Hashirama asked.
"Because I know there's no such thing as ghosts," I said easily. "At least not the kind you're thinking of. Besides, there's nothing my fists won't be able to protect me from."
"Aren't you arrogant," Madara snarked.
"As if you aren't," I retorted.
Madara shrugged, smirking at me. "I know there's nothing in this world my eyes won't take care of for me. And if I am to die… well, so what?"
I laughed. "So where's this supposed shrine?"
Madara gave me a cocky grin, and before our eyes, he walked straight into the tree… and disappeared.
My eyes widened with delighted glee. "Oh, I love hidden doors!"
Hashirama chewed on his bottom lip, resisting the urge to whine. I grabbed his hand and began to drag him through the tree. Waiting for us on the other side was Madara, his right hand held out and a small flame flickering in his palm. There was a long case of stone steps that spiraled down into the darkness below.
"I don't like this," Hashirama insisted. "You know what they say about this place! Anyone who finds it finds the cannibalistic ghosts. Their bones end up on the front of their family's door, all chewed on."
"Oh, hush," I dismissed. "No such thing. Their might be cannibals here, sure. But ghosts? Don't be silly."
After all, I have already died. If I didn't become a ghost, then certainly no one else would. Everyone probably gets reincarnated after they died like me, yeah?
A sudden chill went up my spine.
I blinked in surprise at that, even more surprised at the odd pit in my stomach. It had been a very long time since I had felt genuine fear.
Like, decades long.
Hashirama squeaked. "Did anyone just get a chill?"
"Don't be a wuss," Madara said, rolling his eyes. "Let's go already."
"Right," I said, my brow furrowed as I began to take in this environment with sharper eyes. There was something unsettling here. I may not have had the greatest of instincts, so if even my instincts were telling me something was bad news… Well…
Frowning, I reached forward and grabbed Madara's free hand. He raised his brow at me. "I don't believe I gave you permission to hold my hand."
"I don't believe I care," I retorted brilliantly.
"That's a lame comeback," Madara informed me.
"Shut up," I responded, equally was brilliant as before.
"Guys…" Hashirama hesitated.
Madara snorted, but grabbed onto my hand and began the walk down. I trailed behind him, both my hands being held by my friends—Hashirama's grip was more like a death vice in comparison to Madara's relaxed grip.
As we went down the steps the air seemed to grow colder. Which made sense, considering we were obviously going further underground, but…
At the bottom of the steps, there was a doorway. It was small, made of cracked stone like the steps. We went through it, one by one, and stared into darkness.
Madara held up his flame and blew on it. A giant fireball erupted before us, lighting up the room. I had only a moment to take it all in.
It was a massive room. Bigger than the Chuunin Exams stadiums during the third round. It seemed to stretch further down into an eternal abyss and all around us were stone walls. Engraved in each of the walls were stairs that led to more dark doorways. There were hundreds of them.
When the fireball died away, all of us just stood there in silence. We couldn't see anything else in front of us, but blackness.
I released their hands, stunned by the previous view.
Hashirama whispered, his voice seeming to shatter the tense silence, "This place is wrong. I want to leave, now."
Another shudder ran through me. "… Yeah… I think we should—"
Suddenly a pale, opaque arm shot out of the darkness and grabbed my kimono.
I screamed like a little girl as it grabbed me with inhuman force and yanked me off the pathway. I plummeted into darkness, the hand now gone, screaming curses all the way.
Frantically, I reached out my hand and thankfully grabbed onto the wall. Using every once of chakra, I clung to that thing like a madwoman.
Once I had a firm grip, I scrambled up the wall until I found some steps and I quickly got on them.
Without wasting a beat, I breathed a fire into my palm.
I looked up. I couldn't see Madara's light anymore, or anything else around me.
"Okay," I said outloud. "You just made me really, really scared. I do not like being scared. You know what happened to the last monsters that scared me? I fucking ate them. Okay, not really, but I'll show you not to mess with me."
I stuck out my tongue in the darkness, ignoring the hammering of my heartbeat.
Another hand shout out towards me, but this one made the mistake of grabbing me while I was on my guard.
I grabbed it, and with a snarl I shoved the light in its direction.
All I could do was stare at it for a moment.
It actually looked like a bonified corpse. Yet, I knew it wasn't because I most certainly felt a heartbeat in the arm I grabbed. The thing was pale, yet it had rotting bits of flesh. Red eyes stared at me and the thing hissed at me with razor sharp teeth, trying to grab its arm back.
"You are not a ghost," I uttered, suddenly feeling renewd strength. I gave it a cocky grin. "Which means I can hurt you."
It laughed and I slammed my flaming hand into its face. It screamed with pain, squirming to move away. Another hand grabbed me from behind and I whirled around and struck out at it.
Using my monstrous strength, I sent it hurtling into the wall. More hands.
Although I was fighting them in the dark, I still had a pretty good advantage. These thigns had no muscles on them—all skin, bones, and desperately needing some good old vitamin D. Their hits packed their punch, and they were slugs compared to Hashirama and Madara in speed.
Each one I knocked down, another replaced it, but I kept going. As I moved, I hopped over onto the wall and began to vertically climb it, using fire jutsus all the while. I knew Madara and Hashirama should be able to see the fire, just as I could see Madara's fire now above me.
Soon, I could even see the duo above me. They seemed fine for the most part.
I shouted up at them. "I told you there's no such thing as ghosts! They're just stupid cannibals. Not even sexy."
This seemed to enrage some of them, for they attacked with renewed vigor.
Hashirama let out a shaky laugh at that, and Madara actually chuckled. "You almost had us worried there, peasant. Hurry up and get up here so we can leave. We saw what we came here to see and debunked the legend."
"Working—on—it—" I answered in between grabs and punches.
A few meters away from them, and the creeps seemed to have backed off. Satisfied at my ass-kicking done today, I sauntered up towards my friends when one last hand made a grab for me.
On reflex, I grabbed it.
However, just as quickly as I grabbed it, I released it.
I paled, my stomach dropping.
My head snapped around long enough to see two gleaming red eyes stare at me a moment before they disappeared.
Unabashedly, I broke out into a sprint and straight up ran past Madara and Hashirama, knowing they would run right behind me.
Sure enough, the three of us soon broke free and I tumbled onto the grass, shaking.
"Sasori?" Madara asked, frowning.
Hashirama came over to me, color starting to return to his face.
"What's wrong?" Hashirama asked.
I knew that hand.
And I was a damned good medic to know what a pulse was and was not.
That hand was cold and had no pulse.
But, most importantly, there was a very distinct mark on that hand. A mark I was very familiar with as it was the one I had given to a specific monk at his request. A seal I had drawn to monitor his blood pressure, and when it got too low, it would release kept-chakra into his system.
A monk that had supposedly died a few days before I visited him.
The one that was watching over Kakuzu.
Something was very wrong here.
Because so many of you wanted to see a continuation of that What If Sasori Was the Hokage and Madara Still Went Batshit Crazy – verse, here you go.
(Third Person POV)
Itama smiled happily at how all the shinobi were gathered around them. It warmed his heart, it really did, to see all of them working together. He could still remember that time—that cruel era he grew up in—when this sort of thing would have been deemed impossible.
He was so proud to have played a role in shaping this new world.
Even more so of Sasori—of how she bravely stood in the center of it all.
His darling Sasori was the greatest kunoichi of them all, in his most objective opinion. Nothing, and no one, was better than she.
So if she wanted some extra time to harass her Maddie (even though he was a pebble beneath her), he would give her that extra time.
"Why can't we attack them now?" Naruto demanded.
Even if it meant he had to switch sides for a bit.
"Because if you disobey Sasori-sama, I'll skin you alive," Itama chirped merrily.
Unsurprisingly, there was a collective group of shinobi that took a step away from the still-smiling-pleasantly young man. Itama got that a lot, really. He was always very, very polite and well-mannered. He was soft-spoken and had a boyish charm to him that never faded away.
That was, until someone threatened his Sasori, of course.
Then he was the most brutal man, next to a pissed off Madara, in all of shinobi history.
There was a very, very good reason Sasori named him as her heir (and not just because he agreed with her viewpoints and trained under her). When need be, he got vicious. Something Hashirama could never really control, and something Madara couldn't not always do.
Tobirama gave a long sigh. "Trust us… what Sasori and Hashirama are doing to Madara is probably the worst fate he could receive."
Itama scoffed. "Any moment with Sasori spends near you is a blessing, not some form of terrible fate."
"I beg to differ," Tobirama grunted.
"You're just petty," Itama retorted.
Tobirama glared at his younger brother.
"I doubt they could do enough justice to that man than what is deserved," Kakashi muttered.
"As far as that crazy witch is concerned, Madara left them. That requires some drastic punishment," Tobirama responded, recalling a specific memory of when Madara left a certain pink haired girl at the altar of their fake wedding. Even though the entire thing was part of her crazy scheme, fake or not, that woman was not forgiving.
Inwardly, he shuddered from the memory. The fury she wrecked havoc with that damned salamander of hers was stuff made of nightmares. To think she got the idea of her vengeance from eating those hallucinogenic leaves.
Still… causing massive hallucinations for the entire Uchiha Clan until Madara finally came out was the most publically humiliating thing the Uchiha had ever come to face.
Countless shirtless men ran the streets with women crackling whips and chasing after strangers with a manic gleam in their eyes…
It certainly settled the long held debate on the depravity of the Uchiha, at least.
And what she did to Madara after he turned himself in…
Tobirama shook his head. "She does not like to feel abandoned. She does not like to feel abandoned at all.
Naruto still looked dubious. "I don't know…"
"Look!" a shinobi shouted in the distance.
Indeed, all eyes turned towards the commotion of where Sasori, Hashirama, and Madara were. What they saw surprised all the living that day.
Madara actually ran away like a little girl.
Everyone could hear the delighted squeal that came from Sasori, as if she just found a new toy to play with it. Even Hashirama's booming laughter drifted over the shinobi.
Meanwhile, everyone quickly lost sight of Madara as he tried his damnedest to make distance between him and his former comrades.
"He's not going to escape her," Itama mused.
"No one ever has," Tobirama replied, almost feeling bad for the man.
A lot of you are probably wondering why such a long in between of updates. I will spare you the gory details.
Life got hard for me. I had a lot of struggles with my PTSD, with health issues, with relationships, with my job, school... Things got dark. I needed a break from fanfiction to take care of myself. When I was finally at a good point I tried to pick up where I left off, but things just don't work that way.
10/16/2019 update The rewrite of this sequel is nearly up. The first part, How to Obtain a Reverse Harem in Naruto is almost completed and with it this story's rewrite, Doctor Sasori, will be posted. Apologies, but this particular iteration of the story will remain unfinished.