A/N: Happy Halloween, everyone! ...A day ago. I had a great Halloween, and I hope you did, too. I really wanted to do something fluffy with my headcanon pairings for Halloween. That's basically all this is. I like the idea of Stan having a hard time speaking in costume because of Helen Keller the Musical. And Taming Strange gave us some new development for Ike that I was excited to use, too. Enjoy!
"I can't find my dress shoes," Kyle complained, running down the stairs to the basement. Ike sat on the couch, watching the basement door until his brother threw it open again and stomped into the living room. "Did you do something with my dress shoes? I had them at the foot of my bed."
"Why would I do something with your gay ass shoes?" the twelve year old Canadian asked.
"I don't know. But I need them for my vampire costume."
"Just wear your boots. Nobody looks at shoes anyhow. Unless they're really gay like your dress shoes," Ike said.
Kyle tore his cape from the back of the couch, glaring at his little brother as he tied it on. "It's part of the costume." He pressed his plastic fangs over his incisors and grinned. "How do I look?"
Ike looked the vampire over, his white dress shirt and black vest and pants perfectly pressed while his cape looked a bit cheap compared to the rest of the outfit. Ike shrugged. "You're a little old for dressing up, aren't you?"
"I can't believe you're not going trick-or-treating," Kyle said, straightening his cape knot.
Ike stretched across the couch and dropped his arm over his eyes. "I'm in eighth grade. I'm trying to get Flora over to watch spooky movies with me on Netflix. But she's so indecisive." He peeked at Kyle. "Maybe I'll get a look at her sweet strange tonight." Kyle looked at him for a moment, and Ike knew that he would have started on one of his high moral lectures if it were not for the door bell ringing. Kyle jumped and dusted his costume before Stan walked in. Ike rolled his eyes.
"Hey dude, dats a good djov wiff da vampire ca-shtoom," Stan slurred, the false fangs jutting from his bottom incisors.
"Thanks. I thought you were supposed to be a werewolf. Not a werecat."
"I am. dees are wolf earsh. And I even grew my fay-fuhl hair out," Stan explained, rubbing his scraggly jaw. "And look. I painted my nails black like a wolf."
"You look like a catboy," Kyle criticized. "Except for the flannel jacket and work boots. At least you'll have a vampire to let people know what you're supposed to be."
Stan frowned. "Whatever, let's go."
"Okay. Bye Ike, be safe tonight," Kyle said as they left the house.
"You're not taking your hat off?" Stan asked, tugging the top of the ushanka.
"No way." Kyle knocked his hand away and covered his head with both arms.
When they were gone, Ike pulled Kyle's dress shoes out from under the couch. If Kyle was trying to keep his sexuality a secret, he was doing a bad job of it. Ike figured he'd do what he could to help.
Kyle and Stan stood in Cartman's doorway, gaping at his attire. He wore a long, blonde wig and a short leather skirt with a matching leather bra. His breasts had wavy, vertical lines drawn down them to represent wrinkles, and he wore heavy makeup.
"What are you?" Kyle finally asked.
"I'm Madonna," Cartman answered, rolling his eyes. "Like a virgin!" he screeched, "Touched for the... It's Halloween! It was this or Barbra Streisand, and I don't have the nose for that," he explained as they walked inside. "Why the fuck did you dress up as a faggy catboy?"
"Dammit, I'm a werewolf," Stan said. "Look at da fur."
"You mean your neck beard?" Cartman asked.
"It's a thick chin shtrap," Stan corrected. "And it jush sho happensh shome people find it attractive."
Kyle quickly made his way to the couch. He didn't need Cartman picking up on his and Stan's relationship. A few beanbag chairs were placed in the living room, and the couch had been pushed against the wall. Kenny and Butters were already sitting there, both sporting very bloody scrubs.
"Hiya Kyle," Butters beamed, scooting himself closer to Kenny to make room. "Happy Halloween."
"(This was a coincidence,)" Kenny said through a bloodied surgical mask, pointing between himself and Butters.
"You did a better team costume on accident than me and Stan did on purpose," Kyle chuckled. "No one will be able to tell what he is."
"Wull you're a vampire," Butters said before looking toward Stan. "And Stan's a... cat?"
Kyle sighed and sat beside them as Cartman and Stan walked up to them.
"Look at my cheef," Stan said, sounding irritated. "They're a werewolf'sh."
"Your what?" Cartman asked.
"My cheef! My fucking cheef!"
"(He's saying his teeth,)" Kenny said.
Stan sat beside Kyle on the slight space left on the couch, pressing his arm against him and knocking their knees together. Kyle huffed and stood, crossing his arms. He did not want to be too close with Stan in front of other people, though Stan seemed pretty open to the exposition.
By the time Wendy and Bebe pulled up to Cartman's house, the party was already well under way. "And we're here," Bebe said. "I bet you're already excited, aren't you? Way better than sitting at home studying all night."
"I guess," Wendy replied. "Thanks for talking me into this, Bebe. Stan hated doing couple's costumes."
"Well we're not thinking about Stan," Bebe said, sliding out of the car and placing her large, glittering witch hat on her head. "Besides, every witch needs her black cat."
"Do I really not need anything over this?" Wendy asked, a little self-conscious in her black leotard.
"You look hot." Bebe grabbed her hand and pulled her to the door. "Don't worry about it." They could hear the music thumping before they reached the door.
"Code purple," Butters called, looking out the window.
Cartman rushed to the door as Kyle asked, "What's code purple?"
Bebe was reaching for the knob when the door opened. Instantly, both girls' faces froze in disturbed shock at the sight of Cartman's half naked body.
"Hey it's a couple of hoes!" Cartman exclaimed. "Sorry hoes, ya gotta have costumes to get into this party."
"We're a witch and a black cat, fat-ass," Bebe corrected as they pushed passed.
"I should have known you'd be cross-dressing," Wendy sighed.
Cartman put his hands on his hips and bobbed his head as he said, "Whatever. Like it's any better being a bitch's black cat."
"Witch!" Bebe called back as she made her way to Clyde (who was dressed in a large foam taco costume) and Token (who refused to dress up).
"But hey," Cartman continued, "looks like you and Stan finally got to do a couple's costume now that he dumped your ass. He's a pussy too."
Wendy refused to reply to the insult. "He's a cat?"
"Go look for yourself."
Wendy looked the room over and saw Stan sitting on the couch with Kenny and Butters, Kyle now half sitting on the arm rest. She made her way to them. Her and Stan's break up had led to a cold shoulder relationship for those past few weeks, and Wendy was eager to put them back on better terms.
"Hey Stan, looks like we're both dressed the same," she said happily.
"What da fuck pee-pow? I'm not..." Stan spat his fangs into his hand and repeated, "What the fuck, people? I'm not a fucking cat! I'm a werewolf!"
"Oh," Wendy faltered. "But the ears."
"These are wolf ears," Stan stated, pointed to his ears determinedly. Wendy was unsure of how to respond, for they certainly looked like cat ears. Rather familiar ones at that.
"But...," Butters began, "you're both wearing the same ears."
"What? No we're not." Stan pulled the headband off, and after comparison he realized that they were indeed the same design as Wendy's. "The package said animal ears."
"Dude, they're cat ears," Kyle said.
"Well whatever," Stan said, putting the band back on and rising to his feet. "It depends on the context. And in this context, they're werewolf ears. See." He pulled Kyle against him by the waist. "Werewolf and vampire."
"I guess they can be used as wolf ears, too," Wendy shrugged. On one hand, it was nice to know that talking to Stan was not awkward after all. On the other hand, she was a bit irked that he was doing a couple's costume with Kyle. Kyle made a sound of disapproval and pulled himself out of Stan's grasp before heading to the kitchen. For a while Stan, Wendy, Kenny, and Butters all sat at the couch and talked; then Kenny and Butters took off to hang out with Craig, giving Wendy a chance to ask a question she had been wondering about. "So does anyone else know about you and Kyle?"
"No," Stan said, sounding depressed with his answer. "He doesn't want anyone to know."
"Kinda. I kinda like dropping hints."
Stan and Wendy saw Kenny fall against the snack table at the other side of the room, busting a bowl of chips. "Dammit Kenny! Don't break what you can't pay for!" Cartman yelled. Kenny stood, a broken shard from the bowl sticking into his side. But at that point, nobody was looking anymore.
Stan shifted in his seat and rubbed his neck. "I get why he doesn't want anyone to know, but it still kinda hurts my feelings. You know?"
Wendy shrugged. "Yeah." She picked a piece of candy up from the table and twirled the wrapper in her fingers. "It's Cartman, isn't it? He's the one who'd make a big deal out of it."
"Yeah but still. Shouldn't he just get over it?"
"Would Cartman?" Wendy asked, popping the candy in her mouth.
"Good point." Stan sat silently for a moment, then slapped his hands on his knees and pushed himself up. "I guess I'll go talk to him. Nice cat costume, by the way."
"You too," she laughed. "Good luck." Once Stan walked away, Wendy thought about standing with Bebe, but hearing Cartman's voice behind her kept her on the couch.
"That's gotta make you feel like shit, huh?" he said as he walked around the couch and sat beside her.
Instinctively, she crossed her arms and legs and turned away. "What's that?"
"All that time you were together, he never wanted to do a couple's costume with you. Now he's doing couple's costumes with his butt-buddy."
"Will you shut up?"
"I know you want to deny it. That you turned him gay."
"Even if Stan were gay, and he's not," she added to keep her promise to Stan, "it wouldn't be because of me."
Cartman picked a piece of chocolate up from the table and peeled the wrapper off, keeping his eyes casually on his task as he asked, "Who are you trying to convince? Me or yourself?"
When Stan entered the kitchen, Kyle was sitting at the table talking to Kevin (a cylon centurion), Jimmy (wearing a camera on his head so that he looked like a tripod), and Red (a flapper). A bowl of candy sat on the table, and Kyle was sipping from a soda can.
"Hey Kyle." He was going to tell Kyle that he and Wendy had a totally unawkward conversation, but the scattered candy wrappers in front of them grabbed his concern. "Those aren't all your wrappers, are they?"
Kyle held the can to his face. "Of course not." He took a sip and sat the can on the table. "I actually have self-control. Unlike you."
Stan furrowed his brow. "I was just checking. I care about..."
"Oh my God," Kyle groaned as he rose from his seat and marched out the back door. The other three fell silent in confusion, and Stan shrugged in response before following after Kyle.
"You know," Stan called as he made his way to the picnic table that Kyle was sulking at, "making me walk out after you is probably more obvious than anything I've done."
"Then don't follow me," Kyle called back, refusing to move his cheek from his fist. He felt Stan sit beside him, sending a chill down his spine; but he kept his back turned.
"Why don't we just tell people? Wendy already knows, and if anyone was going to care it'd be her."
"Then why don't you go back to hanging out with her, you two get along so well."
Stan gaped for the second time that night. "Which is it? Are you upset because I was being obvious or because you're jealous of Wendy?"
Kyle tried to turn away more, but his back was already completely turned. After a short pause, he replied, "That you're being obvious. It's embarrassing. I didn't even wanna do this stupid couple's costume thing."
"Fine," Stan said, feeling a bit hurt. "Then maybe I'll do a couple's costume with Wendy. Everyone thinks I'm a cat anyway. And you can just sit out here and be Sad Little Closeted Gay Boy." He stood to walk to the house, but Kyle grabbed the back of his coat.
"Wait," he said. Stan turned to see him looking away with a pout on his face. "That... doesn't make any sense. You're a werewolf, so..."
Stan smirked. Between the two of them, Kyle was definitely the more obvious. He turned to Kyle and crossed his arms. "Then we're still both animals. And most people would agree that cats and dogs are pretty much paired up anyhow."
Still looking away, Kyle refuted, "But in popular culture, werewolves generally live in the same universe as vampires. In fact, it's very rare to see a movie or read a book with werewolf characters without vampire characters nowadays. And anyhow," he began to mumble, "People would just think you were a couple of cats if you hung out with Wendy all night."
Stan shrugged. "You do make some good points." He sat down again, leaning toward Kyle and making him lean back. "But are you really a vampire?" he asked, waggling his eyebrows.
"Come on, Stan. Not here."
Stan's shoulders slumped. "Why not? Nobody can see us."
"It's somebody else's backyard. It's disrespectful."
"It's Cartman's backyard," Stan noted.
Kyle thought for a moment, then grinned. "That is true," he said, grabbing Stan's coat and pulling himself into his kiss.
Cartman swallowed his fifth piece of chocolate since Wendy started her defense. "Sexuality is not a choice," she said. " But it can develop. I'm not denying that there can be triggers. Usually, they are emotional or sexual difficulties or abuse. As someone who has had first hand experience in the relationship, I know that we had no such triggers. So even if Stan announced that he was gay, I would feel no responsibility. So for you or anyone else to say that a failed relationship automatically causes one's sexuality to change without knowing the particulars of that relationship is... Stupid."
"Stupid?" Cartman said.
"I couldn't think of another word. I dunno. Infantile." Cartman simply stared at her questioningly. She pressed herself into the back of the couch. "Whatever. I don't even know why I'm debating sexuality with someone who's more gender confused than your cat."
For a moment, they were silent. Then Cartman said, "Speaking of cats, I hear this one's a stray." He nodded to Wendy. It was the first time he seemed awkward that night despite parading around in drag.
"No, I'm Bebe's cat. You're out of luck."
Cartman looked the room over, finding Bebe sitting in a circle with some of the others and laughing. "Bebe seems a bit preoccupied right now. I bet she wouldn't mind if I just petted her cat a little bit."
"I mind," Wendy snapped.
"Ey. Cats aren't supposed to be able to talk," Cartman quipped.
Wendy sat in silence for a moment, then said, "Do whatever you want."
Not having actually expected such a response, Cartman's eyes widened and darted around the room. He inched slowly closer to Wendy, placing his hand on her stocking-clad knee. He rubbed it a bit before sliding his hand up her thigh, at which point Wendy jumped up.
"That's enough," she ordered.
"What happened to do whatever I want?"
"I just..." Wendy trailed off. "I think I need to be a stray for a while longer."
At first, Cartman scowled at her. Then to Wendy's surprise, his expression softened and he took her hand in his. "Well then I'll be right here when you want a warm home." He placed his lips against the back of her hand. Then he dropped it unceremoniously and stood, grabbing a handful of candy before heading for the circle with the others. Of course, he made sure to add a quick, "Bitch," to the conversation as he sauntered away.
Wendy sat on the couch and sighed, a small smile coming to her face. She looked at the back of her hand where Cartman had left a bright red lipstick mark, and she chuckled and rolled her eyes as she wiped it off.
Stan and Kyle entered the kitchen, and Kyle grabbed his soda and complained about the music as he headed for the living room. Kenny and Butters were sitting at the table now, Butters wiping the excess red goop from Kenny's side with a paper towel.
"Are you sure that's fake blood?" Butters asked. "There's an awful lot."
"(Don't worry about it,)" Kenny said, looking a bit light-headed. "(Hey Stan. Is there something going on outside?)"
"Nah," Stan replied. "Just talking to Kyle." A mischievous thought came to his head and he lowered his voice. "Say, do you guys wanna hear something really spooky?"
"What?" Butters whispered back, obviously enthralled.
"You have to promise not to tell anyone," Stan said as he took a seat by the two bloody doctors.
"We promise," Butters said eagerly.
Stan pulled his coat down and tugged the collar of his shirt over to reveal a deep, purple mark. "I got bit by a vampire."
Butters blushed. "O-oh. Oh wow."
"(Way to go dude,)" Kenny said, gripping his side as his eyes fluttered closed and he fell onto Butters.
"Kenny?" Butters said, but Kenny didn't respond.
Stan jumped up, crying out a loud, "Oh my God!"