Me: Well, until I think of more ideas, I might not be posting for a while. So enjoy this until I return!
Mid: Hopefully soon!
Disclaimer: We own absolutely NOTHING. Well, except a 55-year-old cat.
The little reindeer continued to follow the swordsman around the deck of the Sunny in a frantic panic. Zoro tried his best not to snap and tell the kid to piss off, but who knows what might happen if this went on. As the ship's cook came from the galley, Chopper began to sob, tugging on Zoro's pants leg. Sanji wasn't sure if he wanted to know what was going on, but he figured that it'll involve him sooner or later. The blonde cautiously strolled over to the two, automatically kneeling beside Chopper. With his hand on the reindeer's large hat, he cooed, "Aw, what's the matter?"
Chopper wiped his tears away with the back of his hove, stuttering, "Z-Zoro won't l-let me give him a c-check-up." Sanji stood up and scowled at his naïve boyfriend, aiming a kick for his chest. It was blocked with ease, but flared the marimo's irritation. What the hell was the big deal about a single check-up anyway? The cook let his foot fall to the ground, but immediately lunged for Zoro's pierced ear. The swordsman growled as his earrings were tugged, helpless against the grip.
"Damn it, just get the check-up over with," Sanji demanded, shoving the swordsman towards the small doctor. Rubbing his throbbing ear, Zoro sighed. There was a reason why he wasn't going to get checked out, and if Sanji knew, he'd leave him the hell alone. But the reason was so impossible, so degrading, so damn strange that telling would only leave him embarrassed. Chopper clapped his hooves together pleadingly, chocolate-brown eyes tearing up again. "Please Zoro! It's really really important!"
"No, it's really really bullshit," the swordsman yelled, causing the doctor to flinch. The blonde inhaled deeply, calmly grabbing a fistful of the bastard's hair (fuck the complaints) and stalked off to the infirmary. Once there, Sanji threw Zoro on the table roughly, giving Chopper the signal to start. The reindeer was hesitant, but Sanji stayed by the door to make sure nothing happened. Making the kid sad like that; he was the doctor, damn it. He deserved as much respect as the ladies. especially if you wanted to stay healthy. Zoro struggled as Chopper climbed on the table and began the normal procedure; tongue presser, stethoscope, knee hammer. When suddenly, Chopper searched threw his medical cabinet and pulled out an oddly shaped stick.
"Alright, Zoro. I'll need you to urinate on this."
"The fuck?" Sanji said aloud, gaining the doctor's attention. The smug swordsman flashed an "I told you so" look at the confused cook. Yes, Chopper was accusing him of that. What Zoro was not expecting was that the blonde's response was applied to him.
"Zoro, you're pregnant and refused to see Chopper? What the fuck is wrong with you, potentially damaging our child?" Sanji snarled. How dare the shitty bastard do something so heartless! Zoro stared in awe at their stupidity. It was impossible, after all. Besides, Chopper only assumed because he's had a small case of morning sickness. Totally natural. Chopper attempted to calm the cook down as the swordsman hopped off the examination table, glaring at them both.
"You dumbass. You believe him, too?" he asked. Sanji nodded vigorously; did Zoro not know about him? The small reindeer gaped in horror as he ordered the swordsman to sit back down. Confused at the doctor's sudden strict attitude, Zoro obeyed regardless. "Zoro, you don't remember-"
"Donquixote Doflamingo," Sanji said, slowly lighting his cigarette. He took one puff before Chopper innocently swiped it away and snubbed it out, but he didn't dwell on it. Zoro hummed in thought for a moment before stating, "Creepy Fingers?"
The cook sighed, but nodded anyway. Only Zoro would remember someone for their odd features, not their titles. How could Zoro not notice the state Doflamingo was in while fighting? He ran out of breath quickly, swollen ankles, when he thought no one was looking, he'd sneak a rice cake in his mouth. And hell, he wasn't putting on a few extra pounds, he was showing. Zoro still didn't believe them one bit, so Chopper sighed. "Zoro," he said, "it's not uncommon. I mean, it's certainly rare, but not impossible. You see, it may sound strange, but the cause of male pregnancy is hereditary. You wouldn't be a freak, nor is anyone else, but this, um, occurrence usually comes from the mother. It's possible that when you were born, you somehow received both reproductive organs. You may not have a uterus, but you...may produce eggs in your testicles instead of sperm."
Sanji only nodded along with the other's words, though he only understood bits and pieces. The swordsman huffed mockingly, "So, if I am pregnant, which I'm not, a baby would grow inside my balls?"
Chopper snickered, but provided a serious answer, "No, the baby would develop in the abdomen." Zoro stood stock still as he listened. Was he serious? Was he seriously suggesting he was part female? No. Hell, no. The swordsman shook his head as he stood again, alerting the doctor. Sanji shifted his weight onto his left foot visibly, making sure the threat got through to Zoro. The marimo hesitated, but gave in, reluctantly sitting back down. He wasn't going to risk it.
"Please," Chopper pressed.
"Damn it, I'm not! Just because I've been sick doesn't mean I'm with fucking child! Do you see me stuffing my face with random snacks? Do you see me getting emotional? No, hell no, you don't. Is that good enough for you, Cho-" The small reindeer was crying hysterically, using Sanji's pants as a tissue. The blonde glared at Zoro with disapproval, patting the doctor gently on the head. The swordsman opened his mouth to speak, but nothing came out. He didn't mean for his rant to hurt the little guy's feelings; he just wanted to prove a point. What did he have to do to make it up, take the stupid test? Would that make them piss off?
Zoro snatched the pregnancy test off of the counter angrily, growling. He observed it thoroughly, turning it in all directions. Sanji watched as his marimo cursed under his breath and began to push them out of the room. Chopper protested, saying that he needed to show him how to use it, but Zoro claimed that he would figure it out. Once the door was closed, the cook and doctor stared at it in silence. Was Zoro really going through with this?
"Fuck," came from behind the door suddenly. Sanji raised an eyebrow, then flashed a cocky smirk.
"Get me a lot of water, shit-cook. It's...gonna be a while."
Sanji and Chopper waited outside the infirmary, on account of Zoro threatening that if they set foot inside, he'd treat them like construction paper. Eventually, the passing captain became interested in his nakama's standing around, feeling compelled to ask what they were doing. Chopper felt like he shouldn't tell, but Luffy was the captain after all, so he deserved the right to know. Sanji gave the reindeer a reassuring look before he spoke, "There's a possibility that Zoro might be pregnant, so, Luffy-"
"AWEEE~SOME~!" Luffy cheered excitedly. Apparently, he didn't care how it happened, all he knew was baby equals a new friend, which is never bad. Chopper hushed him, fearing that the marimo would hear. The last thing he needed was an uncooperative, pissed off swordsman. The rubber captain nodded energetically, jumping up and down. The blonde set his hand on top of the straw hat, ceasing Luffy's movements. He held his index finger up to his lips, "Luffy, it's only a possibility, meaning that he might not be, too. Until we know for sure, don't tell him that we told you, 'kay?" The captain nodded, his neck waving inhumanly side to side as he walked back up to the deck. Hopefully, Luffy kept his mouth shut for once.
Zoro came out of the room seconds later, expressionless. Chopper ushered his way into his territory, leaving the swordsman alone with the cook for a moment. The silence was tense, well, for the moss-head. Sanji only continued to stare at him, waiting for him to speak. Zoro cleared his throat, signaling that he was very uncomfortable. The cook broke the God awful quietness.
"So, you didn't tell Chopper because you didn't want my baby?" Sanji assumed flatly. The swordsman's eyes widened, but anger quickly engulfed them. What the hell was the shit-cook talking about?
"Idiot, if I could get pregnant, which I can't, I wouldn't do a low-down dirty thing like that. Hell, I'd make sure you paid me child support." Sanji broke out into a fit of giggles at that. It was oddly nice to know that Zoro would keep their baby. Secretly, Sanji hoped the swordsman could bear his child, maybe they'd start a family. Ah, raising a beautiful daughter, or a handsome son, growing up over time with their Aunts Nami and Robin, living in All Blue, located in the Grand...Line. Sanji cringed; this sea was so dangerous! They could never have children while they lived on the open sea. It would be too much of a risk, especially when marines or other pirates attacked. Zoro noticed his love's pained expression, reaching a comforting hand out to him. Sanji shook his head suddenly; no, undevolped-baby matters come first.
"Zoro, if you are pregnant-"
"Which I'm not," the marimo emphasized.
"-the haramaki would have to go," the cook finished. Zoro gave a startled look, clearly shocked and confused. His haramaki of all things? He found himself spluttering out, "W-why?"
"'Cause extra heat isn't good for the baby. Plus, you only use it for your swords, right?"
"No, I mean...th-that's not the only reason I..."
"Oh?" Sanji pressed, "Then what else, marimo? Tell me how useful your waist's version of a ponytail holder is." Zoro shrugged lazily, avoiding eye contact. He just really liked it, and givng it up wouldn't feel right, especially for nine months. As the cook waited, the swordsman spoke aimlessly, going with the flow of his thoughts, "It's...warm. And it's...cozy. Uh, and warm and, um-" Chopper poked his head through the still slightly open infirmary door, glancing up at the two and claiming that it would take a few hours. Zoro silently thanked the reindeer for his distraction, taking the hint and walking towards the galley. Sanji let it slide as he followed, but he already knew the other just wore it for fashion reasons. And he called him a priss for his suits?
The marimo sat at the table while Sanji skillfully got dinner finished. After a while, Zoro stood up and strolled over to the second cabinet, reaching in to retrieve no doubt sake. Sanji was next to him in less than a breath, swatting the swordsman's hand with a steaming hot wooden spoon. With a surprised yelp, the throbbing hand jerked backwards, leaving a scowling marimo. The cook scowled back, growling, "Dumbass, no liquor. You could hurt the baby!"
The shitty cook actually thought there was a child in him? Zoro was getting sick of Chopper pester him, and now he couldn't even get a decent drink? Pfft, seriously? He reached for the bottle again, but the spoon came down faster and harder the second time, actually drawing a scream from his lips. Sanji's frown was glued on; he was determined, wasn't he? Zoro attempted one more time, but the spoon painfully collided with the back of his head this time. He didn't scream, but grunted irritably, giving up and going back to his seat.
"Stay there," Sanji growled, returning to his dishes. Zoro leaned on his arm limply as the rest of the crew (except Chopper) piled in the room. Franky and Usopp were talking about how they would repair the lower deck after their failed experiment, Luffy shoveled as much food into his face without breathing, and Robin and Nami casually chatted while they took their time with their plates. Sanji set Zoro's plate in front of him, which consisted of a large portion of vegetables, a slightly smaller helping of potatoes, and a medium-sized steak. It was so much bigger than what he usually had that he couldn't help the frown slowly forming on his face. He also noticed that his plate had what appeared to be mini bowling bumpers on the sides, which greatly offended him. He glared at Sanji beside him, kicking him in the shin under the table. He tensed, obviously in pain, directing his focus on his pissed off lover. "What?"
"'What'? The fuck do you mean 'what'?" the swordsman whispered angrily, "The hell are these things?" He pointed at the bumpers, earning a sigh from the cook.
"There used to keep kids from splattering their food everywhere. Why?" Zoro growled. Because he was supposedly pregnant he was expected to eat like a starved, caged beast? The cook was asking for some damn trouble by his actions. Either he was just being an asshole or he seriously believed he was going to tear up the table like a Tasmanian devil. Fuck that, Sanji was going to pay.
The marimo grabbed his fork, piled a fairly large portion of carrots onto it, and slammed it into his glass of water, causing the liquid to thrash and spill. Everyone glanced at him worriedly, wondering what his problem was. Zoro over-dramatically shrugged, "Oops, excuse me. I guess I'm just one, big, uncoördinated fuck now, aren't I?"
"Zoro, just because your knocked up hormones are out of whack doesn't mean you need to be sarcastic," Franky stated, finishing his potatoes casually. The swordsman stared in horror and shock as no one else reacted to his fucked up sentence. Like this shit was normal! Sanji glared at the captain, who met his gaze with mild confusion. He swallowed his mouthful of meat before muttering, "What is it?"
"I told you not to fucking tell," the blonde shouted urgently, ignoring the baffled look on his lover's face. Luffy nodded, taking another overly big bite out of a juicy steak, "Yeah," he munched, "you tol' me 'ot to tell Zowo. I didn'." The marimo grabbed Sanji's unsuspecting tie, yanking him forward to face him. The cook flinched, keeping his feet rooted to the floorboards. The asshole actually told Luffy of all people? Now everyone thought he was fucking pregnant, and didn't even freak out!
"Fight me, you bastard," Zoro growled, releasing the chef and drawing Wadou out. Sanji shook his head instantly, refusing to even yell at the marimo. The swordsman huffed, stomping his foot like an angry toddler.
"I refuse to hit a pregnant man."
Just as the cook was about to get sent overboard, the small doctor barged into the galley. He was panting, obviously he ran there, grinned happily and pointing a confident hoove at Zoro.
Fuck, Zoro thought.
Me: I'm sorry for my half-assed male pregnancy explanation. It seemed simpler in my head.
Mid: If you likey, reviewy!