Hannah: Don't worry, I will! Actually...it's really Max who will, but I digress.
MrJello100: Ohai new reviewer! Thank you for reviewing!
"So where exactly IS Miracle Max?" Alicia asked as the group walked through Florin City. "The king fired him! Doesn't that mean exile?"
"Not Miracle Max…" Lulu shook her head. "He lives on the border...so I guess it's the closest thing to self-exile?"
"How much LONGER until we get there? My feet hurt…" Alicia whined. Lulu nodded in agreement. So...much...walking…
"We're here," Inigo announced. They had reached a dumpy old hovel. It was pretty isolated from other homes, and the smell was foul…
"Are you sure this is the right place?" Alicia asked. Lulu shrugged.
"There's only one way to find out." Fezzik raised his large fist and knocked on the door. There was some muttering inside, then the door opened a crack. One pale eye stared out at the group. "What do you want?"
"Are you Miracle Max, the same one who worked all those years for the king?" Inigo asked. Lulu flinched. Probably not the best introduction...former jobs are always a delicate topic of conversation, and, you know, he was FIRED BY ROYALTY.
"I got fired, didn't you hear? That's a painful subject, you shouldn't have brought it up, good night, next time learn a little manners." The old man closed the door, and Lulu and Alicia facepalmed. Fezzik, unfazed, raised his large fist and knocked on the door. "Go away or I'm calling the Brute Squad!" Max shouted from inside.
"But I'm on the Brute Squad," Fezzik replied. There was a moment of silence, then the door opened and Max stood there.
"You ARE the Brute Squad," he remarked.
"Oh, yeah? I'm retired," Max snapped. "Anyway, I might KILL whoever you want me to give the miracle to."
"They're already dead," Inigo said.
"Don't say that!" Alicia gasped, throwing her hands to her ears. "They won't be if Max can fix this!"
"Well, I AM good at dead," Max boasted. "Bring them in, I'll have a look!" He opened the door for them, and the group rushed inside. Now the group got a good look at the famous Miracle Max. He was ancient, but still moved with the agility and energy of someone more than half his age. Tufts of hair were missing from his scalp and he had some missing teeth, but he did have kind eyes hidden behind some smile lines.
"You were a wonderful miracle man," Alicia interrupted. "It was all of the politics that got you fired! This is why we came to see you, not the current miracle man!"
"...you know I'm the only 'miracle man' left alive in Florin, right?"
"...well, yes, and that's another reason," Lulu smiled.
"What's so special about this guy? Why does he need to be brought back? What about the girl?" Alicia and Lulu opened their mouths to list the wonderful, amazing, true things about Jenna...and then Inigo spoke.
"This man has a wife and fifteen children, including this girl, and they haven't a shred of food. If they stay dead, the rest of the family will starve."
"Oh, sonny, are you a liar!" Max scoffed. "I'll just ask him myself!" He went to the corner of the room and returned to the bodies with a huge bellows. He placed the bellows into Jenna's throat and began pumping.
"What are you doing?" Alicia was starting to get upset.
"Relax, I'm just filling her lungs! I'm not going to give mouth-to-mouth! What kind of miracle man do you think I am?"
"Sorry…" Alicia muttered.
"Don't worry, Max is the best, he's a professional," Lulu reassured her. "Right, Max?"
"Mm-hmm. Anyway, I've seen worse than these two here. They're only sort of dead, which means that their memories are still inside. With a little bit of pressure, we'll see some results." He had moved onto Westley, and when Westley was nice and full of air, Max leaned down and began screaming in his ear. "WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT? WHAT'S HERE WORTH COMING BACK FOR? WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?" He had a set of notes in front of him. "Now, how well do you know these two? Were they ticklish?"
"TICKLISH? LIFE AND DEATH ARE ON THE LINE, STUCK IN THIS GLORIOUS LIMBO, AND ALL YOU TALK ABOUT IS TICKLISH?" Inigo exploded.
"CALM DOWN!" Lulu shrieked at him.
"DON'T YELL AT ME! AND DON'T QUESTION MY METHODS! I had a corpse once, worse than these two, and I tickled his belly button and toes until the following dawn, then the corpse woke up and said, 'I just hate being tickled.' Then I got him to talk about being tickled, and that was half the battle of bringing him back to life!" Max was fuming.
Westley had spoken at last. "True love!" Inigo cried. "True love is what he's coming back for! That's certainly worthwhile!"
"I agree," Max said. "True love and cough drops are the best things in the world."
"So you'll save them?" Fezzik smiled.
"I WOULD save them if he HAD said 'true love', but he didn't! He said, 'to bluff', which clearly means that he's a gambler and involved in some sort of shady business! This girl is obviously his partner-in-crime! Now, there's the door, please take the corpses with you."
"LIAR! LIAR!" The trap door that no one had paid attention to was suddenly open, and an old, withered woman stood, screaming her head at Max. "LIAR!"
"Stay back, you witch!" Max ordered.
"I'm not a witch, I'm your wife! But after hearing you say that, I'm not sure I want to be anymore!" She whirled to face Alicia and Lulu. "You want to know why he doesn't want to help? He knows that the miracles are gone! He knows that Prince Humperdinck was right!"
"Don't say that name!" Max gasped as his hands flew to his ears.
"What, Humperdinck?" The woman began to follow Max around the room. "Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdinck, Humperdinck!" She chanted in a sing-song voice.
"I'm not listening!"
"But the woman that this man loves is Prince Humperdinck's bride-to-be!" Inigo cried over the chanting. Max froze.
"You mean...if I bring these two back to life...the prince will suffer?"
"Humiliations and revenge galore," Alicia promised.
"Why didn't you say so? That's a worthwhile reason! I'm on the case! Valerie, get me my Encyclopedia of Spells and the Hex Appendix!"
"Oh, hooray!" The old woman clapped her hands. "You, skinny guy, you go get the frog dust. Your large friend here can get the holocaust mud. Borrow the holocaust cloak for that, it's over by the door, we just use it for curtains now! And you two," she said to Lulu and Alicia, "can help me with the chocolate coating."
"Chocolate coating?" Alicia echoed.
"I always give the resurrection pills a coating of chocolate at the last minute to make them look better," Valerie explained. "The kitchen's upstairs. Come on!" She showed the two girls the ladder, which they climbed. They found themselves in the middle of what looked like a real witch's den. Cauldrons were bubbling over, evil-smelling substances were everywhere.
"Are you a real witch?" Lulu asked, then blushed. "Sorry if that sounded rude! I was just curious…"
"Hah!" Valerie laughed. She was already melting the chocolate in a warm cauldron. "No! Back in the day, every miracle man had a witch, so Max just started calling me one in public."
"And you didn't mind?" Alicia frowned.
"The man and I have been married for eighty years! We've found other things to argue about. Now, when the resurrection pills are ready, we'll take that brush and smooth the chocolate over it. Why don't you tell me about the plan for ruining Humperdinck?"
"Speak up, I want to hear it!" Max called from downstairs. Lulu laughed.
"I guess Inigo, Fezzik, and Westley...the sort of corpse...will break in and stop the wedding from happening. The Inigo will go and find Count Rugen and kick his balls...and Lulu and I are going to be keeping Buttercup informed about the plan!"
"Poor thing, she must be so scared right now…" Lulu sighed.
"Hah! If I were in her shoes, I wouldn't be at all!" Valerie scoffed.
"She has true love! With true love on her side, anything is possible! Just look at us, we're helping along one of the miracles!"
"Do you want to lick the bowl?" Valerie smiled.
"I'll bring it to him," Alicia said, and she picked up the bowl and carried it downstairs. When she returned, she had two lumps the size of golf balls in her hands. "I guess these are the resurrection pills?"
"Yes," Valerie smiled as she and Lulu painted a thick coat of chocolate over the lumps. "Now, wait for the chocolate to completely harden, then it should be ready for them to eat! And the time it takes to walk to the castle should be the same amount of time needed for the chocolate to harden."
"Yes...more walking…" Alicia sighed. She and Lulu grumbled as they climbed down the ladder. Miracle Max smiled as he and his wife showed the guests out the door.
"Have fun storming the castle!" Valerie called as they waved farewell.
The group soon reached the large guard wall, where they had a good view of the front doors to the palace. The guards were changing posts now, so no one noticed the mysterious intruders carrying limp bodies, accompanied by the princess' maids. "I think we should wake them up now," Alicia said.
"It's not yet time," Inigo pointed out.
"I don't care! We want Jenna back now!" Lulu whined.
"And I want my revenge now! Belief in patience with prevail, why do you think I've been going strong all these years?" Inigo snapped back. "And...wait, what's the other one doing?" Alicia had propped Jenna and Westley against the wall. Their heads were tilted back and their mouths were open. Now she had the resurrection pills in her hands. "Alicia, stop!"
"Make me!" She stuck her tongue out and placed the pills into the mouths of the sort of dead corpses. A few minutes passed, and then Westley's eyes opened.
"What is it? Who are you? I'll take you both on at the same time! Why can't I move?"
"For a former corpse, he sure is talkative," Lulu remarked, staring at Jenna. She hadn't moved. "Did the pill go down her throat?"
"Yeah, I saw it," Alicia nodded. "And...I think she's breathing!"
"I can't tell! Wait...her chest is moving!" Lulu grinned at Alicia. Both girls had tears in their eyes. "She's alive!"
"Whoever just woke me up is a DEAD MAN," Jenna yelled, her eyes still closed. "I was watching my whole life! I was getting slow motion moments of me with Jafar!" Now her eyes were open. "Oh, hey, you two, what's up?"
"We just brought you and Westley back to life with help from Miracle Max and his wife Valerie and now we're going to storm the castle and save Buttercup and kick Humperdinck's balls!"
"...what was the part in the middle?" Jenna's head twitched slightly. "Hey, I moved my head! Awesome!" She smiled, but then her grin faltered. "Um...what time is it?"
Lulu shrugged. "I think...maybe five-ish?"
"Shit," Jenna swore. Her legs twitched. "Help me stand! If we're going to save Buttercup, then we need to move now!"
"Why? The wedding doesn't start for another hour!" Alicia said. "This gives you plenty of time to find a safe hiding place while Lulu and I go back inside and keep Buttercup posted on what's going on."
"But...they move the wedding up an hour...it's all over by five thirty…" Jenna whispered. "I remember that from one of the plaques in the museum. They moved it for 'security reasons'." One of her fingers twitched, but she couldn't actually make air quotes.
"...crap." Lulu stood. "We should get inside and find Buttercup and tell her what's going on! Come on, Alicia!" The two women sprinted in the direction of the castle, clutching their skirts with one hand.
"I…am...never...walking...AGAIN!" Lulu gasped as they ran.
See? Told you Jenna isn't dead!
Review, please! :)