Don't get me wrong - I've had depression before. I mean, come on, depression is what got me into this position. Yet somehow, the days following the news that my parents pulled the plug were pretty fucking rough. Not even close to what I felt before my accident.
For one thing I was always crying. There wasn't a day that went by where I didn't bawl my eyes out. I had at least two breakdowns a day. My anxiety levels were through the roof. Sometimes it got so bad that the chest pains made me feel as though I couldn't breathe. As though I was losing my mind.
I did lose my mind.
When I wasn't sobbing myself a heartattack, I vegged in my bed with the curtains over the windows to dress up my seclusion. It was as if this heaviness inside of me sucked up everything inside of me and left me empty with only the ability to shed tears.
Legolas began losing his patience with me around day four. He got up from his seat and his blue eyes darted right down at me.
"Felicity, this must stop," Legolas growled. "You cannot simply go on like this."
My eyes glanced up at him. "I will never see my parents again, Legolas. They're going to live the rest of their lives believing they're the ones responsible for my death. They will never see me graduate high school or college. My father will never walk me down the aisle or have the first dance with me and my mother will never help me pick out my wedding dress. They'll never have grandkids from me. Instead, they'll only see their daughter in the form a fucking gravestone. They will ever know how much I hate myself for telling them I hated them and for blaming them on some stupid bullshit I could've handled myself."
"But you did not!" Legolas argued. "You ran away and got yourself killed. I watched what happened with you Felicity and believe me, you created your own fate. You can not change what happened to you and you can not spend the rest of your life dwelling on what could have been instead of taking the fault and moving on with your life. Do not give up the rest of your life on something that you are not able to change."
His words struck me like the arrows from his bow. The truth behind it taunted me.
"I didn't even get a chance to go back," I clenched through my teeth. "Elrond nor Galadriel gave me the chance to go back. No, I had to fucking wait! If I had been given the chance you know I would have taken it. I would have done everything to go back!"
"Things did not go that way. Fate had other plans for you."
"Yeah well fuck fate for what it did to me."
I watched the tension is Legolas' face soften as my words hit him. Upon the realizing what my words implied, I covered my mouth and Legolas turned away from me.
"Perhaps," he mumbled as he turned his head to me," you deserved this. The hatred from those people and the hatred from yourself."
He then slammed the door and the anxiety shook me up. It didn't take long for the tears to follow. Not because of Legolas and I's fight, but because I was now fully aware of what my mother saw of me the last time I was alive.
I was in bed for another two days when one evening I decided I needed some fresh air. A nightwalk was desperately needed.
The halls of the Mirkwood Kingdom were oddly silent as I wandered around them. Normally I was able to hear even a faint sound of talking and or laughter, but so far, not a single voice was heard.
Something inside of me told me to go into the room where Galadriel had shown me what had happened to me. I let myself in quietly to see the rock still there. The moonlight streaming through the window cast on the rock in the dark room. I swallowed hard before stepping closer.
When I faced the rock it lit up for a moment before going dark again. I placed my hands on it.
"Tell me it was a dream," I begged. "Tell me I can go back. Tell me this was a mistake."
It was like one of those dreams where you're screaming but you can't be heard. My hands curled into fists and they pounded onto the rock.
"Do something!" I barked. "Anything!"
No matter how I hard I punched or how hard I cried, the rock wouldn't light up for me. I found my knees plummeting onto the floor and my face buried into the rock. As I wept, I felt a warm embrace around my back.
I looked back to see Legolas kneeling before me and wrapping me in his arms as he did when I first found out. Suddenly I found myself crying for two reasons.
"I'm so sorry Legolas," I whimpered. "I am so, so sorry."
He hushed me softly. "It is alright. You have nothing to be sorry for."
He cupped my face with his hands and wiped my tear with his thumb. He leaned in and our forehead gently collided. I could feel his breath on my lips. All I wanted was one kiss to know everything was okay between us.
"Say something," I whispered. He kept quiet. "Legolas, please say something. Tell me I was wrong or...just...please."
Legolas sighed. "When I left your room, I-."
"So you've removed yourself from your chamber," a voice cut Legolas off.
We glanced over to Thranduil entering the room. Legolas and I let go and stood up.
"If you came here to lecture me -," I started to say when Thranduil cut me off.
"You have a right to be angry and you have a right to want to punish yourself. That is part of one's pain in losing what they so desperately tried to save. Believe me, I know. I admit, it pains me to see you torture yourself this way."
I cocked my head back and turned to Legolas. Thranduil motioned for Legolas to leave. Legolas gave a nod before planting a kiss on my forehead and leaving the room.
"Felicity, we have our differences and while I my actions and words haven't been kind-hearted toward you, you should know I am the most impressed of your ability to stand your ground. You have not changed who you truly are for anyone else and, yes, you have improved in some areas, but you stay absolutely true to yourself. If you could, please do not change that."
Thranduil gave me a small smile and my mouth dropped open. The fact he actually approved me left me speechless. It's like Beyonce telling someone she thinks they're flawless.
Sorry, back to the story.
"Thank you," I finally said after a long pause. "I may not show it but I appreciate you taking me into your kingdom when there was nowhere else for me to go. I also apologize for all the shitty - I mean, terrible - things I've said and done to you after all you have done for me."
Thranduil nodded. "All forgiven."
"I also apologize for my fight with Legolas...at least for my part in it."
"You are both very much stubborn. Still, it is hard not to notice how much you both care for one another. Him especially for you. I give you my blessing."
"That must have been rough to accept."
"I wasn't particularly thrilled at first."
A pause followed. Thranduil then spoke up," Tomorrow at dawn, the Mirkwood army will follow me to Laketown. From there, we will form an alliance with the humans and travel to the Misty Mountains where we will force the dwarves to compensate the gold in Smaug's lair for the damage in Laketown as well as for their help. You and Legolas will be joining me."
"What about Tauriel?" I asked.
I could swear I saw Thranduil's eyes go black. He lips pursed and a disapproving expression gave me the answer before he could actually give me one.
"Legolas will take over for her," he answered in a low tone. "Her loyalty is elsewhere now."
Before I could say anything, Thranduil left the room.
"Well, that escalated pretty quickly," I said to myself.
Legolas rushed in and closed the door behind him. He took my hands in his again and looked back for a moment before glancing back to me.
"I need you to listen to every word I tell you," Legolas hissed urgently. "You are to go to your room, change into your armor, and grab your bow and arrow. I will come to your room to get you. You and I are going to Laketown to meet Tauriel tonight."
"You're going against your own father and siding with Tauriel and the dwarves?" I asked as I cocked my head back.
Legolas opened his mouth to speak but I pressed my fingers to his lips. I smirked.
"Someone's changed their view," I cooed playfully.
"I am not doing this for the dwarves," Legolas argued. " I am doing this for Tauriel."
I smiled and cupped my hands on his face. "Then less talking and more escaping."
Guys, I am so, so, so, so, so, so, so sorry for the long delay. I had to wrap up school and then I was moving out of house and a couple weeks ago this girl graduated high school! Immediately after my graduation, I had to get in the car and drive back to my hometown in the North (I had lived in the South the past four years) and then move all my shit into my dad's house.
I know me telling my excuse doesn't make up for the delay, but you guys do deserve an explanation because you've all been there for me and have been massively supportive and kind and I cannot thank you for all the love you guys have given me while writing this story.
I plan on finishing this series by end of June and then I'm going to take a break from writing for a bit. Do not worry because the rest of the story will not be rushed and there's going to be a lot you won't expect so stayed tuned.
Thank you guys again and I will update the next chapter very soon.