Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.

Summary:  Buffy's POV following Spike's departure.  Song is My December by Linkin Park.

My December

By

Anessa Ramsey

This is my December

This is my time of the year

This is my December

This is all so clear

This is my December

This is my snow covered home

This is me alone

And I

Just wish that I didn't feel

Like there was something I missed

And I

Take back all the things I said

To make you feel like that

And I

Just wish that I didn't feel

Like there was something I missed

And I

Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away

Just to have somewhere to go to

Give it all away

To have someone to come home to

         He's been gone for a year.  A year.  It seems like such a long time.  It is when you have nothing.  I have nothing.  Once upon a time I had everything a girl could want, good friends, true love, a family.  It's all gone now though.  I watched as it all slowly self destructed and I did nothing to stop it.  Some things are getting better.  Dawn and I are getting along.  Xander and Anya never got back together.  She married Giles a month ago.  That was a relationship I never saw coming: a watcher and a vengeance demon.  Tara died.  We all miss her.  She became the glue that held us all together.  Willow needed her more than anyone.  Willow.  She's doing better.  England was good for her.  The coven kept her there for eight months.  She came back magic free and coping.  Some days are harder than others for her.  I know how she feels.

         They all know the truth.  I finally spit it all out in it's bright Technicolor glory.  I don't think I've ever seen Xander look so betrayed.  I dealt with that though.  I just learned of his betrayal of Angel and I a few weeks ago.  Willow wasn't surprised.  I think that when she channeled all that magic she saw everything.  I know she felt everyone's pain, but I think she saw it too.  There was a lot of it where Spike's concerned.  Dawn took it the hardest.  We were getting along great and then I burst her bubble.  She was happy in her hatred of Spike.  She wasn't happy to learn what I drove him to.  Believing that he was a rapist by nature was easier than finding out I drove him insane. 

         People say that you don't know what you've got until its gone.  It's completely true.  There are nights when I want nothing more than to feel him holding me like I'm the most precious thing in his world.  He tried once.  I pushed him away.  He never tried again.  That's the story of our entire relationship.  He'd do something nice or comforting and I'd beat him or verbally abuse him for it.  After a while he stopped trying altogether. 

And I

Just wish that I didn't feel

Like there was something I missed

And I

Take back all the things I said

To make you feel like that

And I

Just wish that I didn't feel

Like there was something I missed

And I

Take back all the things that I said to you

And I'd give it all away

Just to have somewhere to go to

Give it all away

To have someone to come home to

This is my December

This is my time of the year

This is my December

This is all so clear

         I dream about him.  They're awful, horrific dreams.  In the beginning it was him in a cave…with a demon that had glowing green eyes.  I dreamt that he was having to fight all these creatures.  I watched as bugs ripped into his flesh.  He was hurt and I was helpless to stop it.  When the horrors were over he talked to the demon.  I couldn't hear anything, but I saw him scream in pain when the demon touched a hand to his bare chest.  Light filled the room and his eyes glowed yellow for just an instant.  He kept screaming and I woke, his strangled cry ringing in my ears.

         Now the dreams are different.  I dream of his past.  Sometimes I see him as he was when he was human, other times I see what he did when he was known as William the Bloody.  I also see what he has become.  Those are the dreams I don't mind.  In those dreams there is love in his eyes and I don't deny it.  It's ironic that I find myself in love with him now that he's gone. 

         There are nights when I walk into the house, Dawn's asleep and I long for someone to come home to.  Not just any someone…him.  I don't think he'll ever come back.  Too much has happened.  I used to think he'd never leave.  It's all I wanted him to do.  Now I just want him to return.  It's getting harder to hope that he will.  I want him to come home, but I'm afraid.  What if he comes back hating me?

         I never told him I love him.  I didn't want to admit it to myself or anyone else.  I used him and treated him badly, but I loved him.  A few weeks after I told everyone everything, I took a few days and went to LA, hoping that Spike went to Angel.  He didn't.  When Angel asked why I was looking for Spike I told him everything.  I thought he'd be angry.  I didn't expect the anger to be directed at me, even though I knew I deserved it.  Angel never got mad at me but there's always a first time for everything.  Apparently he and Spike were once closer than I realized.  How I missed that in the Watcher Diaries I have no idea.

Give it all away

Just to have somewhere to go to

Give it all away

Just to have someone to come home to

         He doesn't know I'm waiting.  How could he?  He's probably halfway around the world.  But I'll wait until my last breath.  I let love go once and it nearly destroyed me.  I can't let it go again.  If…no, when he returns I hope I still matter to him as much as I did.  If I don't, I'll leave him alone.  I just want  a chance to make things right, to see if things could work.  I just want someone to come home to.

Give it all away

Just to have somewhere to go to

Give it all away

Just to have someone to come home to