Disclaimer:  I own nothing.  Everything belongs to Joss Whedon, etc.

Summary:  Buffy's POV on Spike's return.  Song is Things I'll Never Say by Avril Lavigne.

Things I'll Never Say

By

Anessa Ramsey

I'm tuggin' at my hair

I'm pullin' at my clothes

I'm tryin' to keep my cool

I know it shows

I'm staring at my feet

My cheeks are turning red

I'm searching for the words inside my head

I'm feeling nervous

Tryin' to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it—yeah

If I could say what I want to say

I'd say I want to blow you—away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down—on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

         For two years I've waited for him to come home.  I almost gave up hope.  Now that he's back I don't know what to do.  He's different than he used to be.  I'm not sure he's the man…vampire…person that I loved.  There's something in his eyes.  He reminds me of Willow.  She has had the same look in her eyes since she came down off her magic high.  If I didn't know better I'd say he got his soul…Oh god, the dream.  He got his soul.  No wonder he's been so…reclusive.  I was worried that it was just me.  This is huge.  He got his soul.  Did he do it for me?  Is he okay?  

            I asked him.  He didn't answer.  He's different and I'm afraid.  I can't even tell him how I feel.  Every time I go to say that I love him he looks at me and I don't see love in his eyes.  Somewhere between my use of him and getting his soul all the love he once offered me got lost.

It don't do me any good it's just a waste of time

What use is it to you what's on my mind

It ain't comin' out we're not going anywhere

So why can't I just tell you that I care

Cause I'm feeling nervous

Tryin' to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

If I could say what I want to say

I'd say I want to blow you—away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down—on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things that I'll never say

What's wrong with my tongue

These words keep slipping away

I stutter I stumble like I've got nothing to say

Cause I'm feeling nervous

Trying to be so perfect

Cause I know you're worth it

You're worth it—yeah

I guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

         The more time I spend with him the more I wonder if he's still Spike.  I'm beginning to think that the man I love is gone.  William has taken his place and all I can think about is all the times I told him he was unable to love because he didn't have a soul.  I didn't realize that with his soul he wouldn't be the man who loved me anymore.  I should have.  Angel and Angelus were complete opposites, Spike and William are no different. 

         He cries in his sleep.  I've never seen him cry.  He never let me.  It's just another way William is different than Spike.  I'm learning things I never knew about him, things I never bothered with before.  I didn't know that he was really smart.  He graduated from Oxford.  I certainly didn't know that he loved to read, even without the soul.  The glasses are a cute touch.  I like all of these new aspects of him.  I want to know all about him, but I want Spike back.  I want to be able to tell him I love him.  The words are burned on my heart and each day they slowly consume more of it.  Every time I go to say them I can't.  William isn't Spike and I'll never get to say the words because of it.  It's my own fault.  I told him he couldn't love me without a soul but I had it backwards.  He can't love me with one. 

         Angel has been here for the past couple of weeks.  He's been helping Spi…William adjust.  He knows how I feel.  He knows that I want Spike back the way he was.  It's not going to happen.  I watch him constantly and I know that things have changed.  I had the chance to tell him how I feel once.  I didn't take it then.  I wish I had.  Now I just regret that I lost so much time with him…so many chances to have more than just anger and fighting.

         Xander can't look at either of us.  He hated Spike.  Just because Spike got his soul hasn't changed Xander's opinion.  Dawn is devastated.  William hardly looks at her.  To escape the torment of his soul he buries himself in books and writing.   Spike is just another person she's lost.  How much death and loss has she had to face because of me?  I know she blames me.  It's right that she does.

         Sometimes I think that I can see a glimpse of Spike in his eyes, but most of the time I think I'm hallucinating.  It's because I have so much to tell him.  I found out how he got his soul.  I'm having Giles search for a way to get rid of it magically.  I know the chip still works.  He proved that when he accidentally hit Willow when she was bandaging some of his wounds.

         I remember when I was little, I would wish on a star every night.  When I became the slayer, I stopped wishing.  I thought none of them would come true.  I was supposed to die young.  I've started wishing again.  It's the same wish every night.  Maybe one day it will come true.  Until then, I can learn about William so that when Spike returns we might actually be able to give it a real go.  When he comes back maybe I'll be able to stop stumbling over the words and tell him how I feel.  He has to come back.  I love him.

If I could say what I want to say

I'd say I want to blow you—away

Be with you every night

Am I squeezing you too tight

If I could say what I want to see

I want to see you go down—on one knee

Marry me today

Guess I'm wishing my life away

With these things I'll never say

These things I'll never say