The Holy Grail war. A war in which 7 heroes from the past, present and future (but mostly from the past) are summoned and put to fight one another. All for the sake of a single wish granting object.

However, this all changed in the third grail war when the Einzberns tried to summon the legendary demon of gaps instead of the normal hero-type servant. This led to the corruption of the grail, and its results would be shown in 70 years…

[January 3rd, unknown location, unknown POV]

Heh. I did it. When these marks appeared on me, I thought that I was so drunk I was imagining things. But what these books told me was no joke. To think that there exists something like a great wish-granting device! And now this person standing before me, she will say the beginning of my great victory:

"I have been summoned as the servant Caster. So, are you're my master?"

Alright! Let grab that victory!

[January 11th, somewhere in germany, Illya POV]

I don't know if I should be happy, or sad. When I tried to summon my servant I wanted to summon the strongest servant, Hercules. Instead… I got some drunk little girl monster… Hmph! That Grail is a big, big meanie…

So, I decided to test this drunk Berserker out. The results? It was a HUGE success! All Berserker should have done was kill a pack of abominations summoned by the side branches of my family. In the end, it COMPLETELY destroyed the forest, and all that is left is a crater…

Now, let's go to Fuyuki. I am going to have some fun playing with onii-san!...

[January 24th, Somewhere in Fuyuki, Bazett POV]

I couldn't believe it! I tried so, SO hard to summon the person I adore, Cú Chulainn, and save him from his terrible fate. After being allowed to become a master, I spend hundreds of hours to get my hands on a piece of the spear Gae Bolg, endured great pains to complete the summoning, and in the end… I summoned a girl with bat wings as my servant Lancer.

"Why the HELL did I NOT summon CÚ CHULAINN when I prepared a piece of GAE BOLG as my artifact?!" This girl walked over to my artifact, examined it, and said:

"Actually… this never was part of Gae Bolg." and she summons her spear. "It's a part of my spear, Gungnir."

Wait, what?!

"But hey, don't worry: it was never your fate to summon him." she added with a mischievous smile.


[January 25th, Kotomine Church , Bazett POV]

After an INCREDIBLY disappointing day, I went to the mediator of this grail war to talk to him. Now, inside the inner part of the church, Kotomine, Lancer and I were talking about what I had to do now, even when I failed to summon my hero.

What he said then couldn't bring me greater joy. "Bazett, there is still a chance to summon Cu Chulainn."

I am exhilarated. I will grasp any possibility to summon him! All that is left is "How?!"

"At the current moment, three servants have been summoned. Would your mastership of your current servant be gone, and there would still be servants to summon, then it is possible to summon a new servant, for example... oh I don't know, why not Cu Chulainn?" He informed me with a dark smile "Would you like that?"

"Obviously!" I cannot believe it! I was given another chance to summon who I adore! "What are we going to do?"

"I will transfer the mastership of your servant to me, and distribute it to someone I recognize as a master but is unable to summon his servant. To do this, I need to use my abilities as the mediator to transfer the command seals. Now, give me your left hand, Bazett…"

[January 26th, Basement of the Matou residence, Zouken POV] (BTW, Bazett died)

One should never mess with the grail.

Rules are made for a reason.

If one breaks the rules, problems will appear.

The Einzbern tried to summon a demon in the third war, and were the first to be defeated.

Now I tried to summon a class greater than Saber,

But I ended lower than Assassin.

"You don't need ta worry, guys, 'cuz eye'm da strongest!"

"How the F*CK did I get this?"

Oh well, I could always give this to Shinji while I try to summon a better servant.

[January 26th, Not the basement of the Matou residence, ? POV]

One servant less to be summoned. Here she stood, my throw at a wish for endless wealth. Servant Rider, at my service.

"Rider, let's go. Or do you have anything to say?"

Rider stood there, properly adjusting her miko outfit. "Well, I could always use some donations…"



[January 26th, Kotomine church, Observer POV]

Once again a three man discussion was going on in the church, but the now dead Bazett was replaced by the golden Archer.

"So, Lancer, now that I explained about Gilgamesh, could you explain who you are?"

And Lancer explained: Remilia Scarlet, the 22nd Dead Apostle Ancestor, who left Earth, and went to a world with magic like the age of gods. (This story my or may not be true. People denying this story will have a high chance to find a pointy spear shoved in their behinds, so we advise to just accept it.

Kotomine was surprised with this development. As far as he knew, it should be very unlikely for a Dead Apostle to be summoned (but it did explain why the spear Gungnir disappeared from earth). "So, what can you do?"

"Well, look down below:"

Servant stats:
Servant: Lancer
Master: Kirei Kotomine
True Name: Remilia Scarlet
Alignment: Neutral Evil

Strength: A
Endurance: D
Agility: B
Mana: C
Luck: A+ (C)
N. Phantasm: B

Class skills:
Dying: D
Magic resistance: D

Personal skills:
Danmaku magecraft: A+
The ability to use danmaku, the standard way of using offensive magic in Gensokyo. Those of this level have a variety of spellcards in the double digits.
Fate alteration: C
The ability to alter fate. In this state, it can only be done subconsciously, but it still gives an increase in luck.
Flight: A+
Like all Gensokyan Residents, she has the ability to fly.
Fourth Wall Breaker: C
If necessary, she will break the fourth wall. I need someone to talk to as the creator of this story...
Grazing: B
The ability to barely dodge attacks. Works less great against undodgeable attacks. Does work against bombs... somehow...
Regeneration: A-
As long as she has enough prana and at least a part of her survives, she can completely regenerate.

Noble Phantasms:

[Gungnir: The Declaration of the Elder God]: B
The reason Remilia was summoned as Lancer, Gungnir is a throwing spear with the ability that "No matter how often it is dodged, it will kill its target." The only flaw of this is that she can only continuously use this technique for 66 seconds, thus granting other servants a chance to dodge it by timing out the Noble Phantasm. Also, using it leaves her without her weapon…

[Red Magic: Scarlet Meister of the Devil Mansion]: B
Most dead apostle ancestors have access to reality marbles, and Remilia is no exception. Her reality marble creates a world covered in darkness. It contains a great mansion only lighted by a red moon.

Next to boosting Remilia's own parameters with one rank, it also has many alterations to fate when one fights Remilia in this place: "Remilia will win the fight", "Remilia will survive the fight", "Remilia's opponent will lose the fight", "Remilia's opponent will die in the fight" etc. It requires incredible luck to avoid even one of these fates, so fighting Remilia in it is often equal to suicide.

The maximum time Remilia can keep up this reality marble is 7 minutes and 6 seconds when actively fighting, and 1 hour and 6 minutes when staying put in one place.

"So, does this help to understand it?" Lancer asked to her master. Her master was done, and he gave her a single mission: to scout all of the opponents, and find out whom her 6 six opponents are.

Obviously, she objected. Why would she, who is used to have a ton of lackeys to do her work, go around and do such a menial task?

Well, because a command seal ordered her to "find out the identities of all servants and masters".

And so she set out to find out the identities of the other servants.

[January 27th, Kotomine Church, Lancer POV]

It was time for me to give my report to my master. I'm sure he'll be interested in what I have managed to find out.


God, I feel just like my own dog Sakuya!


Kotomine looked up from his book he was reading (the title read: 100 ways to bring other people despair and suffering), and said that I could say what I discovered:

"Kotomine, all servants but Saber and Archer have been summoned at the current moment, and I managed to identify two of the masters."

"Please continue. Remember that there will be ten portions of Mapo Tofu for you to eat if anything is not true."

Gulping at that (even eating one of those is hot enough to make me burst into flames), I continued:

"It seems that both the Matou and the von Einzbern have Masters in this war. The names of both masters are Shinji Matou and Illyasviel von Einzbern. Anything else, master?"

Kotomine, now with a laugh on his face, maybe from my report, maybe from the book he reads… most likely from the book he reads, said that I wouldn't eat mapo tofu… tonight.

Well, I did get all my information from a report of this grail war (made by some guy named "Flagarach", or something)…

Anyways, there was something I had to do with that "King of heroes"…

[January 28th, Basement of the Tohsaka manor, Rin POV]

I am ready. I spend ten years to prepare myself for this Holy Grail war. It is almost 2AM, and now I'm at the peak of my magical power.

I engrave the summoning circle on the floor, and start the incantations.

"Ye first, O silver, O iron.
O stone of the foundation, O Archduke of the Contract.
Hear me in the name of our great teacher, the Archmagus Schweinorg."

I feel my senses changing.

Let the descending winds be as a wall.
Let the gates in all directions be shut, rising above the crown, and let the three-forked roads to the Kingdom revolve.

Fingertips feel like melting, my head feels like it explodes, my nerves feel like burning iron, and my magic crest feels like a big thorn.

Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut. Shut.
Five perfections for each repetition.
And now, let the filled sigils be annihilated in my stead!

I cannot even imagine how painful this would be if I didn't had the grail to support me.


I have to focus on my servant now.

Let thy body rest under my dominion, let my fate rest in thy blade.
If thou submitteth to the call of the Holy Grail, and if thou wilt obey this mind, this reason, then thou shalt respond.

It hurts. It hurts it hurts it hurts.

I make my oath here.
I am that person who is become the virtue of all Heaven.
I am that person who is covered with the evil of all Hades.

But behind this pain that I endure, there lies my servant, my Saber!

Thou seven heavens, clad in a trinity of words,
come past thy restraining rings, and be thou the hands that protect the balance-!"

Perfect! It's like tugging a whale on a fishing rod! I've drawn the strongest servant for sure!

Nothing happens.

Absolutely nothing…


…except for an explosion coming from above.


I ran upstairs, and seeing the living room made me understand everything. A girl, clad in white and green, with wings like those of a raven, was sitting in my messed up room. I really need a new house interior now…

She was looking around where she was, and I believe I heard something like "Unyu?", whatever that may be. I looked at the clock, and remembered that my clocks are one hour late; that means it is currently 1AM, and not 2AM. In other words, I made the stupid mistake to summon a servant before I'm at my peak of magical energy. It's the only flaw that runs in the Tohsaka family, and it has to activate right now. Again, why?

"So, what are you?"

The girl just looks at me with puzzled eyes. Sigh… what is her problem? Loss of speech? Loss of memory?

"Just to check… you are my servant, right?"

"I… think so…"

"So, which servant are you?"

"Ehh?" *Sigh* What is wrong with the intelligence of my servant?

"Your class?" All she does is tilt her head in unknowingness. What is this ditz her problem?

"What ability can you do?.."

Her eyes shone like diamonds, and she shot up while summoning some strange looking device around her arm.

"Increase reactor core temperatures." She pointed that device to the sky. "Fission. Splitting uranium into krypton and barium." For some reason, she sounds like, well, less of a ditz. "Productive energy: 98.7%" for some reason, the top of the device is glowing. "Eradicating all foreign substances." Wait a sec… is she going to- "Ready. Fire in three…" Oh no. "two…" OH NO! "One…"


"MEGA FLAAAAAAAAAAAAARE!" And a gigantic sun-like beam was shot through my roof, into the sky, changing night into day…


Ha, ha, ha…

I really need a new house exterior now…


"And? Did I do well master? Did I show you how great I am?" I… I can't take it anymore…

"Anfang." My servant is looking at me with those STUPID-LOOKING eyes. "Vertrag. Ein neuer Nagel, Ein neues Gesetz, Ein Neues Verbrechen!" (I announce to the command seal! By the order of the holy grail, don't be such a FRICKING BIRDBRAIN!")

[January 29th, Streets of Fuyuki City, Gilgamesh POV]

That mongrelish mongrelic mongrel of a mongreled mongrel! To think that that mongrel could make me do this!

I wasn't expecting anything great when that mongrel of a Lancer wanted to make a bet. Obviously, as the great king of heroes, how could the great I NOT allow hearing her out?

She claimed that I, (yes, I!) could not beat her in chess! Me? Beatable? I CREATED chess! I created the "forced checkmate in 237 moves"! She even allowed me to choose the color for my guaranteed win!

She pissed me off so much; I wanted to Gate-of-Babylown her right there, right then! But she claimed that "this would only prove that I couldn't play chess". I was SO pissed off, I decided that I would OBLITERATE her in a match, even if it would take me 237 moves to do it!

237 moves later, and for some reason, I LOST. What is even worse is that we made a bet: if I would lose (which should not happen!), I would have to take over her scouting. If I won she would have to call me "The one and only greatest bestest AUO Gilgamesh-sama".

But, I lost. And now I have to scout. The only good thing was that for some reason a gigantic sun appeared out of nowhere and gave her some burn marks. HA! Serves her right!

Oi, servants! Where are you! Come here and serve as my anger relief management! And if you are the mongrel who burned Lancer, I will honor your deed with showing you my Ea!

Now come here, you mongrel servants!

[January 29th, other streets of Fuyuki city, Observer POV]

In the moonlit streets of Fuyuki, a very happy Tohsaka was searching other masters, together with her servant Archer.


"Yes, Tohsaka-sama?"

"x*x – 4x = -4. x is?"

"x is 2, master."

"Capital of France?"


"What is the German translation of "soccer"?"

"Füβball…" Archer's eyes looked like they were crying; "Can we please stop this, master? Isn't this enough proof already?"

"Well, I guess that we have proven that the command spell works perfectly fine!"

For the record, this all started yesterday (or to be more precise, exactly 374 words ago), when Tohsaka Rin used a command spell to make her servant NOT a birdbrain. Normally, it would make a servant 'slightly less birdbrained' with such a long-term, unspecified command spell; but because Rin is such an outstanding magus, it became 'Intelligence of the servant is around normal levels' (Archer's IQ changed from 46 to 96!).

Obviously she was very happy about it. After confirming some things with this not bird-brained servant, she found out that she had summoned Archer, but because of Rin's clumsiness during the summoning, her servant is unable to recall her own name.

Deciding that it would be unwise to go out without knowing the name of her servant, she spent an entire day in the school library searching through known legends and sagas. She mainly searched for what she observed: Archer, raven wings, sun-themed arm cannon, female, and some sort of ditz.

There was nothing that precisely matched her observations, but one legend was coming very, VERY close.

That legend was of the god of archery, Houyi. One day, all of the ten sun-birds flew down to earth (instead of one), scorching the earth. The one who should resolve the problem was the god of archery, Houyi, without killing the birds.

However, he 'accidentally' killed nine of them, and as a result, was banished from the heavens and became mortal.

As a mortal, he slew many more monsters for the sake of humanity. Because he was afraid of dead, he also went on a quest for immortality, after finding the elixir of immortality, he was stupid enough not to immediately ingest it, but to leave it at his house, where both portions were drank by his wife, who then ascended to the moon while Houyi could do nothing about it.

Because of the loss of his wife, he changed from a welcomed hero into a tyrant, and was eventually killed by his student, Feng Meng.

The archer and ditz part were a clear reference to Houyi, while the raven wings and the sun weapon are like one of the sun-birds.

The only strange thing was the female part. Houyi is a female. Who's next? Nero? King Arthur?! Right, like that would ever happen

Rin was pretty sure that the servant she summoned was the god of archery, Houyi. So even while it is an Archer, it should be a very, very strong servant; and now that she eradicated the ditz part, she should be unstoppable!

Back to the present, Rin and her servant Archer (in astral form) were checking the streets of Fuyuki for servants. Their luck was… abysmal. They didn't find a single servant, and after searching the residential areas, they moved on to Shinto: it was filled with skyscrapers and simply screamed "business area". On top of the highest skyscraper was Rin, searching the city for anything abnormal.

But they couldn't find anything. Nothing in the west. Nothing in the east. Nothing in the north. Nothing in the south. All in all, tonight was an unproductive night.

Yet when all hope was lost, Archer noticed something. In the west, where the residential area is, a shimmer of gold was visible. Rin, deciding that "It couldn't make the search any worse, wanted to go to there for a possible showdown.

This was when Archer showed her brilliance. Using one of her personal skills, an A+ level in flight, she grabbed Rin and flew towards the golden light.

Until she accidentally dropped Rin into the cold winter water. Emphasis on cold. The only thing matching the coldness of the water was the fierceness of Rin's anger.


[January 29th, Homurahara School Grounds, Gilgamesh POV]

So, once again, I, the king, am bored. Completely, utterly, totally bored. The only possible way of entertainment for me right now is:

1. Find and fight some Heroic spirit. Not that much fun (I wouldn't even win, I just allow them to lose.), but it is better than nothing. Plus, I would finally be freed from this horrible, horrible scouting that is only fit for mongrels and bastards! That bastard Lancer!

2. Pull out my original game console (the Gil-Gil ω) and play some Super Gilgamesh Bros; or maybe some Gilgamesh the Hedgehog 06. The game is clearly not great, but it flawed convictions remind me of my lovely Saber… If she doesn't appear in this Holy Grail war, I will personally give the one responsible a slow and painful death!

3. Blow up a part of the world and see how the people suffer, and then I will enjoy their despair! MWAHAHAHAHA!

I should spend somewhat less time with Kotomine…

4. Get myself a cute girl and have a goooood time… Getting one shouldn't be too hard (A+ charisma FTW!) but I should watch out: people like me have one natural enemy: fangirls. I, the king, will have to avoid them at all cost.

5. Look for some people who are suffering and act as THE glorious badass that I am!

Normally, I would go with option 5, but I decided to go with option 2. It has been a long, long time since I played a game on them. The question is, which game am I going to play? A puzzling adventure game like 'The legend of Gilgamesh' would be nice, but a racing game like 'Gilgamesh kart 7' or 'Need for Gil: Most Awesome' would be nice too. 'The Gilgamesh scrolls: Skyrim' is a great game, but so is a puzzle game like 'Professor Gilgamesh'…


I know! I'll play 'Gilgamon: Omega Ruby'! Now then, game, be honored! I, the great king Gilgamesh, choose you!

[January 29th, Homurahara school grounds, Shirou POV]

Lately, my completely normal life has disappeared. It wasn't completely normal from the start, considering that I am a magus(albeit only third rate at best), but these last days have become even stranger. It started with my friend Shinji, who was… down… I asked what was wrong, but he just muttered "baka" and "nine-ball", followed by crying…

Next was my friend Issei; the man who always hated girls and suddenly gained feelings for a shrine maiden that was currently staying at Ryuudou temple.

The last few nights, when I was walking back from work, I met a young girl who claimed I was her "onii-chan" and that I would die if I didn't summon my servant. What was even stranger was that she was followed by a horned girl who was flying through the air!

Tohsaka is surprisingly happy, and said that "the birdbrain is no more!" Also, yesterday, I saw her talking with a raven-winged girl… I have no idea what that was about.

This, however, is the icing on the cake: first of all, a man in golden armor was standing on the school grounds, thinking. Suddenly a TV, game console, power generator and game (all completely golden) appear out of nowhere, and he starts to play some sort of rip-off of pokemon!

Around one minute later, two more people FLY down: one is a completely soaked Tohsaka, and the other was that raven-winged girl. That girl suddenly started to fight with the golden man who'se fighting style was raining SWORDS down on her, which she shot down with some arm cannon.

After 30 seconds the man began to laugh, thanking the girl for "giving Lancer her punishment", and drew out a magnificent sword… drill… thingy.

Both of them somehow visibly charged their weapons in some sort of anime like style, and after screaming their attacks (also very anime-like), "Enuma Elish" and "Peta Flare", they released HUGE power beams at each other.

It all left me with one question: Am I high?

[Same place, same time, Rin POV]

This was not good. My servant, and that servant (which is probably Saber, based on his sword) have equal noble phantasms, but he has also access to a lot of projectiles that are all noble phantasms! I have only found one servant, but I must always find the strongest one…

Why me?


A sound. Someone else was intruding the fight. When I followed the sound, I saw HIM. One of my classmates. Shirou Emiya.

No. I cannot let innocent bystanders have anything to do with the Holy Grail war. What is even worse is that my opponent, servant Saber, was trying to kill him for "ruining this great fight."

I can't let you do that, Saber. "Archer, keep that servant away from that student. I will do something about him!" Archer nodded, and while she faces Saber, I follow Emiya to make sure he will not remember a single bit of this evening.

[A bit later, Emiya residence, Shirou POV]

Am… am I safe here? That golden guy gave off such a killing intent, I could only flee. I ran. I ran, I ran, and I ran some more until I was out of energy, and even then I continued running.

And now I was here, at home, and I was catching my breath. Bad move. Only a few seconds later, and the wall broke down, with goldie in the middle of the created hole, and the same amount of killing intent he had before. Two swords appeared out of nowhere, flying at me, with speeds swifter then eagles.

I could dodge the first, but the second managed to pierce my left leg. It hurts. It hurts just as much as my normal magecraft training. Except this time, my leg got pierced by metal instead of my spine. And they both feel terrible…

I stand up. This person tries to kill me. I don't understand why, but it simply is so. But I won't let him. I won't die here. Not now! I haven't saved anyone yet in my entire life! I won't leave my ideals unfulfilled! Not now! Not ever!

I grab the sword, a black chinese short sword, and wield it. I can feel the strength in it, but compared to the sword that guy wielded earlier, it was only third-rate. He became angered at me, screaming that "mongrels should never be allowed to wield my weapons".

He summoned three more weapons, shot even faster at me then before. I tried to dodge them by rolling to the right, but he anticipated that. While I dodged the first lance like this, a handaxe was now aimed straight at my head, and dodging is almost impossible in midair.

Luckily, I had another option. I used the sword I pulled out of my leg to deflect the weapon, and it worked. The third weapon, a white shortsword, managed to pierce the right leg. It hurts, but I stand. I stand up to this danger. I grab the white shortsword, and notice that I now have a complete set of twin Chinese dao.

Another three swords flew at me, and I dodged and blocked all three. The weapons I was wielding were showing cracks, and they would last only one hit. I used my magecraft.

"Composition, reinforce."

I used the only magic I know. Strengthening magic. On these two blades in my hands. I normally fail at any kind of magic, but this time, like a miracle, it worked. I poured what little prana I had in my body, all to give one decisive blow on my opponent.

It worked. I lack prana, so the increase is only little, but it should be enough to land a decent hit on him.

I charge at him. Two more weapons were shot, but I dodged both. I aimed, aiming the blades at his heart, ready to impale him.

"HAaaaaaaaaaaaaaaAH!" I moved in. Three steps. Two steps. One step. I pierced him with all my might.

Or at least, I tried to. All this golden person needed to do was block my sword with his hand. Nothing more, nothing less. My attack was defeated like it was nothing.

"Hmph. Mongrel."

A single flick of his arm, and he send me flying through the wall, right into my own shed.

I crashed. I have broken a few ribs, but I would still go on. I may be cornered, but I won't die.

I see him coming. With a slow pace, full of arrogance, he walked to his almost defeated prey.

Almost. I'm not done yet. I will not die here! Not now! I wi-


A flash. The shed lights up, and both predator and prey are shocked. Out of the flash, a young girl storms at the golden man.

She gracefully swings her two blades, a katana and a wakizashi, at my still shocked opponent, who is thus forced into retreat, and jumps back onto the wall of my house.

"Hmm? Listen well, mongrels! Be grateful; for today, I'll let you live! Now your king will go!" and as he said that, he disappeared from my view.

I took a closer look at the girl. The silver light of the moon shines behind her, and light up the girl in samurai-like form.

I'm speechless. Not because of the sudden term of events. I'm at a loss because of this girl's overwhelming beauty.

The girl walks back to me, and stares at me emotionlessly with her cool grey eyes.

"I ask of you. Are you my Master?"

Flagarach: AAAAAAAAND CUT! Well, this is it. First chapter complete! This fic is pretty much a "Touhou cast as servants" fic. If there are any questions, please say so. If I created any loopholes, I will explain them. So, anybody?

Lancer: Well, why was Kotomine selected for the grail? Originally, he was selected because Angra Mainyu liked the darkness in his hart. Since there is no Angra Mainyu, why was he chosen?

Flagarach: Because the Gap Demon thought it would be interesting.

Lancer: What are the changes in the 4th Holy Grail war?

Flagarach: Zero to none; instead of Kiritsugu abandoning the grail, he was unable to obtain his goals while Kotomine managed to get his wish for destruction. Because he failed to get the grail, he was kicked out of the Einzbern family, and lived with his adopted son until he died of a sudden heart attack. Also, Rider won a national gaming tournament.

Lancer: Who is servant Caster?

Flagarach: You'll find out later…

Lancer: Ahh… One last question:

Flagarach: What is it?

Lancer: Well, I'm being used for these sections, have great strength and ability… does this mean that I'm the main protagonist for the Touhou side?

Flagarach: No, but you do have one of the major roles. Don't forget, being Lancer is suffering!

Lancer: Meh, I'll just change that fate a bit…

Flagarach: …

Flagarach: Anyway, to end it, I also plan to create some "alternate possibilities", which due to the laws of the second true magic surely happened somewhere else. Technically, they're omakes.

Flagarach: This time, 7 omakes about servants who didn't make the cut:

I am going to die. She was pointing her arm cannon at the shed I was in. I don't know what to do. I have no weapons, and in a few seconds, I would be toast.

No, I'm not going to die. I WILL survive! I w-

A green flash. Out of nowhere, an old man appeared, standing before me.

The girl, who's arm cannon is still charging, flew higher. "So, you're Saber, aren't you? Well, I doubt you can get me fast enough! Now die with your mast-"

A slash. a single slash from a normal katana split the girl in two. However, this sword did strike farther than a meter. Farther than ten meters. I think it hit even more than a kilometer. It-

"Hits 200 yojana in one slash."

I took a closer look at him. His long hair is already white, but his eyes are sharp. His face is scarred, and his body probably too. He wears a green hakama with a black belt, black geta, white kimono, and green haori. He… "Who… who are you?"

"I was but a simple gardener for the Saigyouji. Now, I have been summoned as servant Saber. Boy, are you my master?"

Flagarach: The Saber that didn't make it in this grail war. Of the original 7 servants, only two are still used. The original Saber, Youki Konpaku, was the third servant I removed. Imagine: the entire servant cast has Touhou characters, and Emiya, who originally summoned a gender flipped king Arthur, summons… a male. Wouldn't that be funny?

Lancer: A male Touhou character in a crossover? This is blasphemy! This is madness!

Flagarach: Madness?.. THIS… IS… A FSN/TOUHOU CROSSOVER!

Lancer: …

Flagarach: What?

Lancer: Way to go with killing the joke…

"Yo, Master! I, Cu Chulainn, have been summoned as the servant Lancer. So, shall we go to battle, missy?"

I did it! I, Bazett Fraga McRemitz, summoned my hero, Cu Chulainn! I finally did it!

"Say, master, it has been a reaaaly long time since I had a drink, could you fetch me something nice?"

Obviously, I could. There was no reason not to. I am so happy right now; there is no way that it can be broken. So, I walk to the kitchen to fetch him some drinks.

What Bazett didn't know was that when she left the room, her blue-haired lancer in his blue bodysuit shifted form.

The result was a young girl. She has three red wings on her right, and three blue one on her left back. Short, black hair, a black dress with long black thigh-highs and red shoes, and in her hand, she hold a trident. And she was looking all too happy.

"Ohh… I wonder what will happen when she comes back, and her 'hero' has disappeared. That will be… very interesting… Hahahaha!.."

Flagarach: So, yeah, my second choice for the Lancer class, Nue Houjuu. This was only my second choice. Remilia was my No.1 Lancer from the very beginning.

Lancer: Why, thank you. I'm flattered.

Flagarach: To be precise, you are the reason I started this fanfic!

Lancer: Once again, I'm flattered… are you sure I'm not the MC?

Flagarach: I'm sure. About Nue, I think that she might be summoned in the future, but more like the True Assassin class, and not the Lancer class.

Lancer: Hmm… a copy stays a copy. There is no fun in challenging a fake.

Flagarach: True. All her abilities are fakes. However, who says a fake cannot beat the original? Here she comes, Princess of Septettes. Do you have enough Fate in stock?

?: Faker!

Flagarach: Who's that?

Lancer: It's Goldie. Hello, mister "I suck at chess".

Gil: Lancer! While you can be assured of a slow and painful death by my hands, you're not my problem now.

Flagarach: Then who is?

Gil: remember words 3465-3486?

Flagarach: *searches* If she doesn't appear in this Holy Grail war, I will personally give the one responsible a slow… and… painful… death!... Ahahahaha…

Gil: Please tell me, mongrel, where is my Saber, my king Arthuria?

Flagarach: Lancer? Little help here?

*Lancer left*

Flagarach: well, shit.

Gil: Now, awaken, Ea, for a mongrel who denies me my treasure has appeared.

Flagarach: *Gulp*

Gil: Look and behold, ENUMA ELISH!

The rest of this chapter has been cancelled due to technical difficulties.