~ SUE CORPS ~
Before you start reading this story, BE WARNED! This is not about Harry or James or Albus or anyone in the fandom really, but simply takes place in the Harry Potter universe. It MAY include Harry Potter characters, but will NOT be about them.
In this story, all fandoms and realities coexist in a gigantic space called the Multiverse, where Mary Sues are created and trained in Academies and buy all their beauty-enhancing, Sue-making products from Sue Corporations. Combating against the terrible Sue Corps are two groups: the Canon Protection Agency (CPA) and the Anti-Sue Criminal Investigation Bureau (ASCIB). This story is about ORIGINAL characters from these three businesses living amongst the Harry Potter world: some help Sues, some destroy them.
She was like a siren to Draco, silently beckoning for him to come hither. She had gorgeous, chocolate-brown locks that hung down to her waist, and eyes that seemed to flash blue-green and gold in the afternoon light.
Draco Malfoy briefly wondered what he was doing here. He was seventeen, which meant he should have been at Hogwarts right now, forced to watch as the Carrows tortured students as lessons. He should have been in those classes, laughing with the other Slytherins, not because he found it funny, but because he was terrified they would do the same to him.
But the mystery angel batted her superhuman long eyelashes at him, and all thoughts of canon flew out the window.
Draco made his way towards her—they were standing in what looked to be like a muggle park, with a sparkling blue pond and bright-green grass (where did that come from anyway? Who cares). She shifted a little, and her pure white dress seemed to glitter with a mirage of colours.
"What's your name?" Draco whispered, mesmerized by her eyes and beautiful smile. Her lips were so pink and plush … he would love to kiss them …
Wait a second, Draco! You've only met her for two minutes! What are you thinking?
The girl giggled softly, and when she spoke, it was like a whole chorus of angels. "My name is Tatianna Son Dello-von Vlach. It is a pleasure to meet you, mister …?"
"M-Malfoy," Draco immediately stammered out, feeling his ears turn a bit red. "D-Draco Malfoy, my l-lady." She blushed at that and giggled again, leaving Draco very pleased with himself. He risked embarrassment to say one more thing:
"Please, call me Tia," she said, batting her eyelashes once more.
"T-Tia, then …" Draco felt his face grow hot. "If I may … what business do you have here? There's a war going on …"
For that matter, why am I in this strange muggle park? I'm supposed to be in Hogwarts! Why—
"Hogwarts has burned to the ground," Tia said, and Draco immediately nodded, unable to look away from her as a rush of memories of a burning castle filled his senses. That's right, Hogwarts burned … did it? It must have …
"I tried to save everyone, but alas, two perished in the fire," Tia's eyes filled with tears, and Draco felt instant sympathy for her. "I should have been there sooner. Only, I was busy trying to help Harry Potter and his friends find the last of the Horcruxes—they were so lost without me, you see—and ermagawd like u had 2 b there!11!1"
Draco blinked, startled. He might have been mistaken, but he was certain that, for a moment there, Tia's voice changed from a sultry, angelic whisper to a loud, American-accented, obnoxiously annoying 14-year-old's. "Excuse me?"
Tia turned pale, as all blood rushed from her rosy cheeks. "Er, I mean … like, soooo annoyin u no? Wait like thats not wwhat i mean—gimme 1 sec—uh, like ur so hawt!1111!11"
She squeaked, and dashed off with a quick, longing "Like see u latter drako!111111"
She reached for something hanging around her slender swan neck and yanked out what appeared to be a … Time Turner? Was Draco seeing this right? No, instead of an hourglass, it appeared to be a small circular mirror.
Peering directly into it, Tia twisted it once and vanished into thin air, leaving behind only a slight shimmer of Twilight-esque sparkles and the faint smell of rose-scented body shampoo.
It took Draco a few minutes to free himself from the strange magic. Once he was back to normal, he realized what overcame him and his face contorted with disgust. "Ugh. Mary Sue."
He reached into his pocket and pulled out his wand. Drawing a glittering square shape in the air in front of him, he muttered a little spell and a head popped up, two-dimensional and glitching slightly. The head was in the form of a woman with hair perfectly tied up in a bun and a Bluetooth clipped to her ear.
"Draco Malfoy, is it? From the Harry Potter Canonspace?" She peered at him a bit closer and moved her eyes to the bottom left of the box, evidently looking at all his canon information in a separate window. "Can the Canon Protection Agency help you with anything?"
"Yes you can," Draco spat out irritably. "Another Sue broke in! This is the second time it's happened to me this week! I swear, if you useless muggles don't fix the Fabric Hole soon, my father will—"
"We don't care what your father will do, Malfoy," the lady snapped back. "You obviously don't know how hard it is for us muggles to locate and close a Hole in the Fabric of Canon, do you? Look, we'll send an Agent in to check things out, but if you want us to seriously help you, you need to get off your lazy arse and actually fill out a report for us."
Draco looked torn between the idea of filling up reports for his countless Sue attacks and letting the Sues continue messing with his head. Finally, he sighed. "Whatever. Just send me back to the Timeline, will you?"
"Yes, sir," came the terse reply. Draco flicked his wand and the box disappeared. He closed his eyes as the scenery around him began to rip and twist and fade away. By the time he opened his eyes, he was back in Hogwarts, in the original timeline set out for the Harry Potter Canonspace.
At least, for now.
But seriously, Draco thought angrily to himself, as he made his way to the Slytherin dorms. Why does it take the CPA so bloody long to finish a few stupid Sues? I mean, it's not like the Sues get any help …
The Mary Sue known as Tatianna Son Dello-von Vlach appeared on the porch of a strange, old-looking shop, floating around on the very edge of the Harry Potter Canonspace. Tia sniffed, her tears shimmering as they slid down her cheeks. Oh, how she wished she could curl up in her puffy, pink-and-cream-coloured dream room and cry and write angsty, heartbreaking prose … but that was for another day.
She burst through the door (it chimed softly), and the inside of the shop fared slightly better than the outside appeal. It was still old and smelled slightly of wet wood and mould, but there were shelves upon shelves of strange jars and little boxes, multicoloured bottles and vibrant sweets, mysterious amulets and old-fashioned jewelry. Above all, it appeared to be empty.
Tia bit her lip in an irresistible, yet standard Sue way, just like she was taught at the Academy when she was created. She was just about to risk speaking again when she heard someone call out irritably, "Just a god-damned minute! I'm up to my arse and non-existent balls in mail orders here!"
A girl, around eighteen, appeared through a doorway behind the counter. Tia wasn't much for details (after all, why pay attention to anyone else when you could stare at your own ethereal looks in a mirror all day?), but she couldn't help but notice this girl, who was definitely not a Sue—or a hot guy, either. Tia wrinkled her nose.
The girl had ugly, reddish-orange hair tied back into a ponytail, and a big nose. She wore a too-tight white T-shirt bearing a large pink-and-green rose, with the letters S and C scrawled on top in elegant black script. The only redeeming feature on her was the gorgeous, sparkly bracelet that hung loosely on her right wrist. It would have looked so much better on Tia's own hand, though.
"My name is Ellie Trotter, welcome to the Sue Corps Harry Potter Division, what can I do for you today, we specialize in all manner of Sue products and potions blah blah blah," the non-Sue girl, Ellie, snapped.
Tia opened her mouth, but couldn't bring herself to speak. A single tear, all the colours of the rainbow, leaked from the corner of her big doe eyes and traveled down her porcelain cheek. She closed her mouth, hoping this made an impression on the human (and therefore, easily enchanted) girl. Ellie was not amused.
"I don't speak rainbow-tears, Sue. You don't appear to have any disfigurements, and your colour-spectrum tear ducts are obviously looking good. What's the issue?"
Pouting, Tia finally spoke.
"like i dont no whut hapened! 1 second i was wit darko and then THIS hapened!" Ellie cringed as the loud, whining voice of a tween girl burst out of this goddess-like lady.
"Well, damn, you must've run out of those cough drops!" Ellie rolled her eyes. "You're supposed to take them three times a day, remember?"
"ya but i kepp forgetting too take dem!" Tia wailed. "THen i ran out!11 whut will dracco think of meeeee?!112"
"Shut your bloody face and take a deep breath," Ellie said, walking down the aisles before stopping at a shelf. She plucked out a small jar and handed it to Tia. "Here, British Beauty Cough Drops. Costs you only two galleons, four sickles, and twenty-four knuts."
Tia stared at her, blinking those ridiculously long, spidery, mascara-coated eyelashes. "like, wut?"
Ellie sighed loudly. Sometimes she really hated her job. "Twenty four dollars and forty-two cents."
Tia nodded brightly at this and immediately handed over the American currency. Ellie grinned at the sight of the money as she placed it almost lovingly in the register. The bills and coins shivered slightly, before replacing themselves with the wizard equivalent with a loud popping noise.
"Thanks for supporting Sue Corps, have a nice day, yadda yadda. Now get out before the CPA get a hold of your scent."
"Scent?" Tia sang, having swallowed an orange creamsicle-flavoured cough drop and returned to having a beautifully tragic, feathery-soft voice. "Oh, goodness, I don't smell, do I?"
"Like a Sue," Ellie said bluntly. "Honestly, don't they teach you that at the Academy? Mary Sues give off a unique scent that make it easier for the Canon Protection Agency to get a hold of you. Then it's off to the Suecinerator for you lot."
Tia shivered. "That's awful!" She then perked up. "What do Sues smell like, then?"
"Like hand sanitizer, vanilla candles, and unicorn droppings."
Tia giggled and waved goodbye with a delicate movement of her wrist before leaving the shop. There was a small flash of light, and the scent of body shampoo wafted in through the mail slot.
"Who was that? A customer?" A tall, broad-shouldered boy walked in. Except for his hair and straighter nose, he looked very similar to Ellie. They had the same face shape and even the same quirk to their mouth. "Oh, darn, looks like I missed it."
"Yeah, right, Carter," Ellie snapped. "Why do I have to deal with the annoying ones all the time?"
"Because you're the youngest," Carter said smugly. "And because the ladies can't get enough of my gorgeous looks."
"Oh, shut up." Ellie glared at her older brother. Just because he had dark brown hair that curled slightly at the tips, the family's trademark deep blue eyes, was rather appealing of face, and just so happened to have an English accent, made Carter Trotter think he was quite the ladies' man.
Unfortunately for Ellie, he was quite right. The Badfic Authors and Mary Sues who frequented their shop couldn't stop staring and drooling over him. Which meant Ellie usually had to deal with them while Carter took refuge and stocked up in the back storage room. Unfair.
The Trotter siblings come from a long line of Sue Corporations workers. Sue Corps was the bane of the Multiverse's existence, producing the products and enchantments Sues and crappy authors need to successfully mesmerize the characters in the different fandoms and be a proper Mary Sue. The Trotters couldn't care less what the entire Multiverse or the Canon Protection Agency thought. They were the rats of the fandom universes and they accepted that happily.
Ellie saw two more flashes of light outside, and someone knocked uncertainly on the door. That could only mean one thing.
"We have Suethors coming in," Ellie called out from behind the counter. "Newbies, from the sound of it."
Carter and Ellie had a standard rule that they ran by in order to tell what kind of customers they'd have to face: veteran buyers and Mary Sues barged in without warning, newbies and Insert-Authors knocked.
The door opened, the little bell chimed, and two girls shuffled in. One had greasy hair, a spotty forehead, and chubby legs. The other was bony, with a crooked nose, square chin, and wiry spectacles.
"Umm, is this, like, for real?" The spotty girl said, nervously clutching her very own mirror necklace.
"I thought it was just a joke," the bony girl added.
"Well, it's not," Ellie said with a sigh, crossing her arms. She forced herself to be patient for the newbies. "Welcome to the Harry Potter Division of the Sue Corps. We provide all sorts of products to create the ultimate Sue for you to enjoy, and … uh … Carter!"
Carter came back, and grinned when the two Suethors ogled him. Ellie glared. "Take care of one of them, okay? I can't handle everything on my own."
"Okay, okay, fine, sis." Carter turned to the two customers. "So, uh, can I help one of you?"
"Y-you can help me!" Bony squeaked, elbowing Spots out of the way. Spots shoved back. "I-I need help!"
Carter gave Ellie a sideways look and raised his eyebrows. Ellie scoffed.
"You." She grabbed Spots and yanked her to her side. "I'll help you, problem solved."
Spots frowned in disappointment, but luckily, Ellie found customers were always easily distracted by the wonders in the shop. She looked around, bit her lip, fingered a strand of her greasy hair. "I, um, want to …" She stopped midsentence, looking embarrassed and nervous.
Ellie sighed and forced herself to soften her voice. "Okay, look, nobody's judging you here. You see all this?" She gestured around the shop with her hand. "We made all this for you. Everything you want. We're all here to help. So, tell me honestly, what do you want?"
"I want to be a really beautiful gorgeous girl with an angelic singing voice who's half-veela half-human and gets into a relationship with Sirius Black during the Marauders Era!" She blurted out, before blushing and giggling and burying her face into her hands.
"Self-Insert Sue, huh?" Ellie mused, unable to stop herself from quirking up one eyebrow. Spots flushed. "T-there's nothing wrong with basing your OC on yourself to f-flesh it out and make it real! It's not a problem!"
"Bloody he—calm down, I'm on your side!" Ellie sometimes hated how defensive authors were, even though they brought the big bucks. "Okay, have you ever written a fanfic before?"
Spots shook her head nervously. "This is my first time." She giggled at the innuendo, and Ellie rolled her eyes.
"Okay, so follow my lead. First, we need a bone structure enhancer to get you taller—"
"Whoa, wait, what?" Spots took a step backwards, swallowing. "T-that sounds painful, I'm not taking anything that'll change my bones …"
"You are if you want to look gorgeous," Ellie said simply, grabbing her soft arm and dragging her down an aisle. She searched through the jars stacked up and picked out a soft coral pink jar in the shape of a seashell. "See this, chubby?"
"This is Slenderlady, currently our most popular bone structure enhancer in shelves. It is guaranteed to make you five foot six, as slender as a willow tree, with curves in 'all the right places', so to speak—"
"Oh my god, I want that!" Spots shrieked, grabbing it with her fleshy fingers. Ellie choked back an irritated "Rude" and simply said, "Just unscrew the tip and drink it all. Try to get it all down in one gulp, it works better that way. Less painful."
Spots had already drunk the entire thing before Ellie finished her sentence. She coughed and gasped, "Less painful?"
Her words were cut off by a groan, and Ellie stepped back slightly as she bent double and vomited all over the floor. The sickening sight was accompanied by tiny snapping noises as her bones began to restructure themselves. By the time Spots stood up straight (albeit looking rather green), she was an inch taller than Ellie, with perfect proportions, a thin waist, curvy hips, and deliciously long legs.
"Oh my god, I … I … my legs … I …" Spots seemed at a loss for words. "Look at my boobs!"
"Yes, an ample bosom comes with the package," Ellie said, wrinkling her nose at the vomit. "We can clean that up later. No pain, no gain, is the saying on earth, I believe?"
"Uh, yeah … what do you mean, 'earth'? Don't you live there? You're not, like, a Harry Potter character, are you?" Spots stared at her, or rather, her hair, then gasped in horror. "Oh my god! Are you one of the Weasleys?"
"No!" Ellie snarled. "Why does everyone assume I am a Weasley? I am not the only ginger in England, you know!"
"Sorry," Spots muttered, having the decency to look embarrassed. She reached up and felt said acne on her forehead. "Any way to get rid of this, too?"
"Of course. Follow me." Ellie led Spots (who was tottering around on her unfamiliar new legs) to another aisle, where she picked up another jar, this one pure white. She unscrewed the cap and revealed it to be full of powder.
"What's that for, powdering my nose?" Spots snickered at her own lame joke. Ellie took a pinch, blowing it into her face. It expanded into a large cloud of smoke, and when it disappeared, Spots had beautiful, alabaster skin without a single mark. Ellie needed to think up a new nickname for her now that she wasn't all pimply.
"No time to stare," Ellie added as No-Spots opened her mouth to gush over her new skin. Ellie felt the excitement of selling products overcome her, and she yanked her to another aisle, where every single shelf was full of strange potions in every colour imaginable. "Half-veela, you said? Well, that would mean silver hair. Let's see …" She went to a shelf of all different shades of white to silver to light grey. "We have Stunningly Silver, Dark Silver, Shine Bright Like a Diamond Silver, and … Limpid Tears Silver."
"Ooh, Limpid Tears?" No-Spots was looking entranced at the bottle. Limpid had that effect on Suethors and Sues. "Ooh."
"I wouldn't recommend it for your first time," Ellie added. "You need at least two fanfics seniority and a membership to the Sue Corps franchise to get it. Even then, it's a Premium product. Loads more expensive."
No-Spots looked put out, but sighed and said, "Er, alright … Stunningly Silver, then?"
Ellie grabbed the bottle and broke the seal on the lid. "See this?" She held the bottle up at eye level to the Suethor. "These are hair-changing products, and they aren't exactly cheap. If you want to keep your Sue looks running for as long as possible, only use a few drops every month or two. I don't want you running back in two weeks crying for more, we can only get so much shipment from Headquarters at a time."
Ellie carefully poured three drops of the shimmery liquid onto the top of No-Spots head. When each drop hit her hair, it began to glow and spread the silvery colour from the roots down, growing out the hair as it went. When it was finished, No-Spots had bright, ethereal silver locks that hung all the way down to her ankles.
"And don't forget these," Ellie added, going to another aisle and running back with a tiny bottle labeled 'Exquisite Jade'. "Eyedrops. Put them in every day, morning is usually the best. This will make your eye colour pop."
With a careful drop in each eye, No-Spots grew long, thick eyelashes and large doe eyes of a bright sparkly green.
"Oh my GOD!" No-Spots shrieked, staring at herself in a mirror. She couldn't look away, like most Insert-Authors did. "I look AMAZING! I look EXACTLY how I wanted to be! Oh my GOD! But I'm still wearing my boring jeans and sneakers! Aren't there, like, clothes for me to wear?"
Jeez. It was always the same. Once you get them everything they want to make them look pretty, they start getting rude and obnoxious. Ellie loved her job, and she adored Sue Corps and the way it pretty much fucked over the entire Multiverse, but she really hated her customers sometimes. Granted, she hated everybody most of the time.
"Calm down and take this, then." Ellie grabbed a pearl necklace with a single wood sphere and tossed it to No-Spots, who fumbled and almost dropped it. "Work on that balance, by the way," she added, "Unless you want the clumsy factor."
"What's this?" No-Spots asked, placing it over her head. Her fingers brushed against the wooden circle and immediately her clothes were changed into what might resemble a Hogwarts school uniform, except the skirt was at her thighs and the collared shirt was unbuttoned slightly to show her cleavage. Ellie finally provided her with British Beauty cough drops to change her voice, and she was created.
"Sooo cool!" She sang, speaking in modern slang but having the elegant English accent of an Elizabethan princess. "Oh god, I look awesome! I'm gonna call myself Henrietta Rosanne Ty-Lynch, and I'm gonna be the most popular girl in Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, and—"
"That'll be thirty-five galleons, two sickles, and twenty-seven knuts. Or three hundred and seventy-six dollars."
"Whoa, whoa, whoa! Hold on a second there!" No-Spots—or rather, Henrietta—yelped, waving her delicate hands in the air. "That's ridiculous, I'm not paying three hundred and—"
"Then I will reverse the effects and take all the stuff back." Ellie held out a hand. Henrietta blanched.
"Er, no … that w-wasn't what I was …" she gave a nervous laugh and flashed a winning smile at Ellie. "Of course I will pay … I came prepared, although I was saving that money for … n-no matter."
She quickly handed over the cash, which Ellie placed in the cash register.
"Good on you, Henry, have a nice day now. Remember to take the products in moderation but at the right time, or the effects run out and you become Miss Small-and-Spotty all over again."
"Yes, yes, of course," Henrietta said, shoving all the products into her backpack and clutching it protectively to her chest.
"Thank you for buying Sue Corps, the only available Mary Sue factory in the Multiverse," Carter said with a smile, as what was previously Bony emerged with the same long legs and big breasts as Henrietta, now with golden hair (that went down her shoulders in the ever-popular Cascading Like a Waterfall© style) and bright purple eyes (oh, Ellie corrected herself: eyes a deep violet like the colour of the most pure amethyst).
"I'm Desdemonda von Ricardo Malfoy now," she said smugly to Henrietta, who introduced herself as well.
"How much did you make her pay?" Ellie muttered to her brother with as little mouth movement as possible.
"Four hundred and fifty-two." Carter muttered back, his smile never leaving his face. "Seemed like I could pull it off with my look."
Ellie snickered quietly to herself.
"We'll be going now," Henrietta said, as she and Desdemonda waved goodbye.
"Wait, I almost forgot!" Ellie grabbed their two receipts and handed it to them. "Keep this with you at all times, okay?"
"Why?" Desdemonda wrinkled her pert little nose. "It's just, like, a receipt."
"This receipt dulls your scent so the CPA can't track you down," Ellie said, forcing it into their smooth hands. "You may be authors, but in this form you're every bit a Mary Sue as the next. The Canon Protection Agency will get their dirty paws on you if you aren't careful."
"Whoa, wait, what?" Henrietta shared a nervous glance with her Sue friend. "Nobody ever told me about the CPA thingy …"
"Well, you know now," Ellie said firmly. "But you better be careful. If anything happens that might reveal yourself as a Sue in the Canonspace, this receipt will burn away to dust and you won't have its protection anymore. Then the CPA will be on you in a matter of minutes and it's the Suecinerator for you. So watch your back."
"Wait, how come you didn't tell us about this before?" Desdemonda squealed, her eyes growing wide with fright. "What the hell is the Suecinerator? I don't want to get hunted down!"
"Sorry, folks, have a nice day," Ellie said, shutting the door in their face.
Carter offered a hand for a high-five, which Ellie allowed. "Not bad, sister. We made some pretty good money today."
"Yeah, I'm thinking of heading to the Three Broomsticks for a pint. Want to come along?"
"You know I would."
The Trotter siblings grabbed several handfuls of the wizard money and shoved them into pouches. Then, with smug smiles on their faces, they left the shop knowing it was a good business day.
"Sebastian Wakeley, you're needed in the top."
The cool female voice of the Head Operator echoed through Sebastian's headset like an inner conscience. A very, very annoying inner conscience. He groaned and ran his fingers through his dark hair, stretching out of his nap.
"Was it for that Sue in the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom? Because I swear, Henry was the one who screwed up first, and I've always been rubbish at cards—"
"No, Mr. Wakeley, it's not for that. But you're wanted up top all the same."
Sebastian frowned. Normally, a screw-up in the CPA meant you went to your superior officer or Division Head for reporting. The worst mistakes, ones that result in severe damage to a fandom or Canonspace, usually meant you had to answer the Third or Second Division. "How much top are we saying here, Doris?"
"Oh, god." Sebastian covered his eyes with his hand. The headset gave him a headache sometimes. The CPA should really invent better technology; he should recommend that next time their work surveys came around. "You don't mean …"
"Your darling auntie wants to see you, Mr. Wakeley."
"… Thank you, Doris."
Sebastian switched off his headset and left his cubicle; it was technically his 'office', but considering it was just one in several hundred 'offices' on this floor and they were all the size of bathrooms, it made more sense to just call them cubicles.
"I'm wanted up top," Sebastian called to his next-cubicle-neighbour, who was deeply engrossed in the middle of a video game playing out on a tiny, old-fashioned, chunky television propped up on a file cabinet. "I'll let you know if I survive."
His neighbor and friend grunted in reply, glued to the screen.
People passed by him, all wearing the black double-breasted coat uniform. Red, blue and gold bands bearing the letters CPA were strapped to their left arms. Some nodded respectfully to him as he passed by. They were all seventh division Agents, but supposedly Sebastian had 'higher status' due to his lineage.
Just as he exited the mini-office-cubicles to the lobby a tall young woman with long, dirty-blonde hair and bright blue eyes appeared, practically bouncing, and beaming with delight.
"Hey, Seb!" She chirped. "What a coincidence!"
"Hullo, Lisa," Sebastian chuckled nervously, attempting to sidestep the over-bubbly woman. Coincidence? He thought not. Lisa Linford was a true genius when it came to studying Multidust, the mysterious and powerful cosmic energy that connected all the Canonspaces together and then some, but her not-so-subtle advances kind of creeped Sebastian out a little.
"Where you off to? You don't fancy having a cuppa or something, would you?"
"Um, s-sorry Lisa, I'm being called up to the Boss."
Lisa's forget-me-nots widened. "Oh no! Was it for that Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom? Tell her it was Henry's fault!"
"I will, thanks." An elevator arrived and Sebastian hurriedly went in. "Well, I'll be seeing you."
"Catch you later, Seb," Lisa said forlornly. Sebastian felt a little guilty brushing her off like that. She was a nice girl, really. He just wasn't interested in her or even having a romantic relationship of any kind at the moment. And he wasn't even sure if she really liked him, anyway.
It took only a short while for the elevator to reach the top floor—the 1st, to be exact. Technically, it should be the 85th, but in the Canon Protection Agency Headquarters, residing right in the supposedly 'center of the Multiverse', the floors were split according to divisions; which meant that the higher up you went, the lower the numbers went and the higher your status was. Sebastian was in the seventh division, pretty impressive, but not for someone like him. Not his family.
Sebastian Wakeley's family has been in the CPA for as long as he can remember. In fact, when he was a boy, his parents didn't tell him stories of Cinderella and Snow White and Beauty and the Beast. His bedtime stories were of Mary Sues and Gary Stus, a hundred times more foul and terrifying than any other monster. That wouldn't have been so bad, if it wasn't for the fact that Sebastian's family were also superstars in the field.
His father is one of the best CPA Fabric Trackers of the decade, able to spot a rip in the Fabric of Canon with startling accuracy before a Sue could slip in unnoticed. His mother, while too old to continue her Field Agent days, was nonetheless Agent of the Year in 1983 – 1993; a total of ten years, before she got married and had children. His brother, he went down a different road. He joined the Anti-Sue Criminal Investigation Bureau, which caused many frowns and family arguments. In the end, though, he still made his parents proud by being a brilliant Sue Tracker within ASCIB.
Sebastian? He was merely good. Great, even, but never fantastic or extraordinary. Sometimes he even wondered if he was only in the seventh division because of his personal connections. He was easily flustered and could barely control his Rule of Canon weapon properly. Not like his partner, the talented and extremely deadly Agent many within the CPA called 'Deadman' behind his back.
The elevator dinged quietly and the doors slid open, revealing a large, marble-floored room. The secretary ushered Sebastian into the next room, which was even more grand, if possible.
A woman sat in the great mahogany hand-carved desk in the center, sorting through massive stacks of paper. Her face was hidden, but it was obvious from her perfectly straight, long dark hair and curvy figure that she was attractive. A gold-plated plaque was placed at the corner of the desk, bearing the words 'The Boss'.
The leader of the CPA. And that's not all.
Sebastian gulped. "H-hello … auntie."
"Sebastian," The Boss responded. "Sit down."
That wasn't a request, that was an order, and Sebastian knew it. He gingerly perched on the edge of the plush velvet armchair in front of the desk, not daring to move a muscle.
Finally, after several minutes of silence, he couldn't take it any longer. "I-if this is about the Yu-Gi-Oh! fandom incident, I apologize in advance!"
"What? Oh, that. That's not why you're here." The Boss said, not even looking up from her work as she signed something. Relief flowed through Sebastian's entire body. "It's not?"
"No. Harry's an imbecile anyway, and you're rubbish at cards. It was a mistake to send you there in the first place."
Sebastian winced at The Boss' harsh words. He sat in sullen silence as she pulled out a laptop and began to type. He was twenty-one years old, yet he still felt like a little boy around his terrifying and powerful aunt.
He spared a quick side-glance to the side of her desk, where—sure enough—a long, gleaming katana blade leaned against the wood. Sebastian wasn't old enough to join the CPA when she acquired it, but rumours spread that thirteen years ago, The Boss took it as a war trophy after battling a particularly nasty Sue during a weeaboo raid in Lord of the Rings, and kept it ever since. Weapons like those, real weapons, were dangerous, especially if they were hampered by Sue powers.
Besides The Boss, all active Agents in the CPA used Rule of Canon weapons, which were specially developed by the CPA to work against Sues and Stus. They weren't really used in actual violence or physical combat, not if you used Rule of Canon effectively. Sebastian wished he had his own Rule of Canon, Sawed Off Shotgun Form, by his side. But there were certain rules about carrying those within HQ, and he had to leave it in his office.
The Boss printed something out and handed it to him. "Here is a new mission. I want you to have it."
"Harry Potter Canonspace?" Sebastian asked curiously as he read through the mission description. "A sudden influx of Sues?"
"The last movie in the series came out recently," The Boss explained in a matter-of-fact tone. "I expect we'll receive a decrease in Suecreation once the craze dies down. I don't care how easy this mission seems, Sebastian, you tread carefully, alright?"
"Yes, ma'am." Everyone was wary regarding the HP Canonspace, ever since that one idiot slipped up during the My Immortal phase. Those sure were dark days. Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was considered one of the greatest Criminal Sues of the century, and certainly the last. Security tightened up in the CPA, harsher laws were passed, and the fool that messed up was going to regret it for the rest of his life.
"Take your little friend, if you want," The Boss said, returning to her laptop. This was her sign of telling Sebastian to sod off and get out of her office immediately, which Sebastian did happily.
His little friend, as The Boss put it, was Mortem Clarke, otherwise known as 'Deathman'. He was still absorbed in the video game as Sebastian tapped on his door.
"Hey, Mort, we got a job. Mort, come on, mate. We're getting paid for this."
There was silence, followed by a low sigh. Then Mortem paused the game and stood up.
He was tall, thin, and bony, with lanky arms and legs and a neck like a stork. Everyone avoided him in the CPA, except for Sebastian and maybe Lisa. There was just something off about him, they said. The way he looked like a Grim Reaper or a great black crow with his spiky dark hair and uniform. And the fact that no one has ever seen his face. He always wore a creepy mask in the shape of a sad clown face, and not even Sebastian has ever seen him take it off.
Okay, so he was weird. But it was a given that the higher up the divisions you go, the more mentally unstable an Agent will be. Sebastian was surprised he hadn't cracked yet. Besides, Mortem was his friend, no matter what anyone said.
"This better be good, Seb," Mortem complained in his deep, grim voice. "It saddens me, I never finished level ten."
"You'll get a chance later, buddy. Come on, it's the HP Canonspace. I wanna get this done and over with." Actually, what Sebastian wanted was a chance to prove himself and do something more challenging. This mission was so simple, it was laughable. The twenty-seventh division could have done it.
"Where to first?" Mortem asked as they took an elevator to the Gateway Floor.
"Honestly? I kind of fancy a butterbeer. It's been a while since I've had one of those."