The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or OFUM. I am making no money from this. The Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy is written with the permission of Camilla Sandman. All of Harry Potter belongs to J.K. Rowling. All of OFUM belongs to Miss Cam. The Lord of the Rings (when it appears) belongs to Tolkien. The Canon Accuracy device belongs to the PPC. The other stuff belongs to me. Tamper with my stuff and... well, I guarantee you'll regret it.

Author's note: If you would like to enroll in HFA, please see the questionnaire which is contained within the fanfiction. Fill it out and email your responses to me and I'll see what I can do. (Additional note: People who take themselves too seriously will not have fun at HFA. A warning.)


With a final click, the fic was posted. Ally settled into her chair and felt a smile creep over her face. This was going to be an excellent fanfic, she could feel the warm reviews pouring into with praise for her work. After all, who wouldn't love a character who could dispatch a host of Death Eaters and save Harry Potter?

Tap, tap, tap...

Ally looked up and her eyes widened. An owl was tapping on her window pane, a scroll of parchment clasped in its beak. But, owls...? Harry Potter didn't really exist... did it?

She got up to open the window, but the owl had become impatient. There was another tap, and the glass in her window exploded into tiny shards. *Oh, schist!* Ally took an involuntary step backward. The owl then threw its parchment, hitting her soundly on the head. The scroll was heavier than it looked.

"Stupid owl..." Ally muttered, reaching for the roll of paper. She untied the ribbon and gaped as twenty meters of paperwork fell to her feet.

Miss Ally White,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been chosen as a student at Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy. Actually, you haven't been chosen, we've become aware of you. You are writing Bad Fic. Our goal at HFA is to guide you on your path to enlightenment through Good Fic.

You are charged with writing Harry Potter Fanfiction without mercy. These poor characters, you have inflicted so much misery on them. To prevent further damages to the residents of Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry, we are now requesting that all potential authors earn a Hogwarts Fanfiction License. Licenses are good. Bad Fic is bad. Good is good. Bad is bad.

Please fill out the enclosed form(s) so that we may make your stay at HFA an educational one by attending to your needs as a writer.

Term begins at the bell.

Meir Brin Hogwarts Fanfiction Academy Coordinator and Desk Assistant to Lord Elrond

Ally's face was the model of confusion. But there was more,

Name: Lineage: Muggle/ Wizard/ Other Wand measurements: Please specify one luxury item that you require at HFA:

This was followed by a lengthy release form. Ally skimmed it. If she hadn't been so tired, she would have noticed the phrases "HFA is not responsible for my stupidity" and "Whatever I do is my fault. I won't sue because it's a product of my own lack of judgment".

Several meters below that was the phrase: "Get to Know your Students".

"Reasons why I write Harry Potter fanfiction?" Ally said. She pulled out a blue pen and scrawled the phrase "cuz I luv Harry!" There was more, and Ally's interest was peaked. She answered the four previous questions and kept reading, filling in her answers accordingly.

I have: Read the books many times/ Seen the movie many times/ Read the books and seen the movie many, many times/ Seen the movie once

I am: Very Familiar with Canon/ Slightly Familiar with Canon/ Reasonable with Canon/ Minimally Knowledgeable about Canon/ What is Canon?

I have written slash: yes/no

I have written a Mary Sue: yes/no

I am in love with a Canon character: yes/no

The object of my affection is: Harry Potter/ Ron Weasley/ Hermione Granger/ Draco Malfoy/ Sirius Black/ Remus Lupin/ Oliver Wood/ Lord Voldemort/ Fleur Delacour/ Other (please specify)

I have a fear of: Four-X's and above Magical Creatures/ Lord Voldemort/ Spiders/ Lord Elrond/ Other (please specify)

By the end of the the survey, Ally was feeling quite exhausted. She leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes for a second. And a second was all it took to send her to sleep.

What Ally did not hear was the distant chime of a school bell.


"Yeeagh, this place is a mess!" Meir Brin looked at the scenario before her and grimaced. Death Eaters rushed past her, fleeing before a young witch magically suspended halfway above the ground. The young witch waved her wand and the Death Eaters were scattered in many directions.

Meir Brin flipped open a modified version of the PPC's Canon Accuracy Device. She pointed it at the young witch. "NOT CANON" scrawled over the square of blackboard that was used as the device's monitor.

"Original character." she muttered, closing the device and reaching for her own weapon. A good luck gift from her fellow workers at OFUM, the Switch of Character Banishment was going to come in handy.

"Hey, you!" Meir Brin called, moving quickly toward the young witch. "I've got two days to make this school ready for the students. No original characters. Get out!" A hefty crack from the Switch and the original character was gone.

Meir Brin glanced around at the rest of the school. There seemed to be an overabundance of unicorns congregating around Hagrid's hut, and dark clouds were clustering overhead. The Death Eaters that were now rid of the original character were slumped against the gate, recovering their breath. "Yep, Lots of work to do here."