Aeris and Sephiroth in...

Goth Conversation!

A blatant parody of 'Goth Talk' on Saturday Night Live, altered just a little bit and with FFVII things in!

Notice that I don't own either FFVII or SNL, but I almost wish I did (or in SNL's case, those adorable Goths! Azrael and Circe, I mean, as well as Baron Nocturna, the Voluptuous Whore Cobwella, Baroness Blackbrood, Hezebia of the Dust, etc). Please don't sue me, I have no money! I've changed some things...f'rinstance, Heidegger is going to be Glen but he won't beat on Azrael...

Also, I've done a fanart of Goth Aeris! Go to www.angelfire.com/ego/sephofjenova/images/gothaeris.jpg and see the dark vision of unholy beauty, with a badly drawn left hand!

And on with the show!

(A screen with the words: "Midgar Public Access Television - Bad TV Shows Monitored for Seditious Expression!" while playing cheesy music)

(The screen clears to reveal a badly decorated living room with lots of candles and black sheets draped over things. However, you can still see bits of wall, metal walls which are a telltale sign that this room is in fact located in Shin-Ra Tower. The words "Goth Conversation" flash on the screen for a moment, and 'One-Winged Angel' is played for a few bars. On a couch covered with a black sheet sit Aeris and Sephiroth, and they are a splendid sight to see. Well, Seph is always a sight because he kicks ass. He's dressed the same as he always is, and wears no makeup. However, he has stuck safety pins along the hems of his trenchcoat and he's wearing a large silver ankh necklace. Aeris is a beautiful vision of long chestnut hair, green eyes, and yards of tattered black spiderweb lace. The White Materia is entwined in silver wire and hangs around her neck. Her red jacket has been replaced by one made of black leather, with silver cuffs, her wide bracelets have been exchanged for dozens of thin steel bands on her left wrist and a leather strap with two-inch spikes on the right, and her dress has, as I mentioned, been changed for layer upon layer of spiderweb lace, torn and tattered. Her boots are now black, painted with little blood-red roses. She wears a black rose in her hair and has the requisite ankh necklace. Her hair remains the same but her ribbons are not pink but black satin and trail to about halfway down her back. It is plain that she's wearing a whalebone corset. She is wearing heavy black eyeshadow. She wears black lipstick. They sit side by side, close together, staring at the camera with a morose look.)

Aeris: Hello, my baneful brethren, and welcome to Goth Conversation, the television show that explores the unimaginable depths of the Gothic lifestyle here in Midgar. I'm Aerith Gethsemane...

Sephiroth: And I'm Sephiroth! I'm the Summoner of Meteor!

Aeris: And how does this dark day find you, Sephiroth?

Seph: Dismayed...AVALANCHE ruined my chance to wound the Planet and become the Dark God of all Mankind...*pouts*

Aeris: AVALANCHE cannot compare to us, Sephiroth. We are unholy aristocrats of the night!

Seph: We should have been born into the upper class of Midgar society!

Aeris: In Midgar's upper class, we would have rebelled against our parents and run away to live under the Plate, leading a dark cabal of Goths in a violent war against society.

Seph: But instead I was a genetic experiment...

Aeris: And I was forced to work as a disgustingly cheerful flower girl.

(Sephiroth is about to say more, but Heidegger storms in and starts yelling at them)

Heidegger: Dammit! Can't you freaks turn some goddamn lights on in here?

(He flicks a light switch and the room is flooded with florescent light. Aeris and Seph scream and cover their eyes)

Aeris and Seph: AHHHH!! Get if OFF, get it OFF!

(Seph shoots a small lightning bolt at the light switch and fries it, cloaking the room in merciful darkness)

Heidegger: Christ! You guys have turned this place into a hellhole! Rufus is going to be pissed!

Seph: Yes, well, he's not here right now, is he?

(Seph draws Masamune threateningly and waves it at Heidegger. Heidegger shuts up and leaves)

Aeris: Just because it's his evil headquarters, Rufus thinks that he can boss us around. He's not very Goth, is he, Sephiroth?

Seph: No, he's not. Dark Nation is though. But we're not talking about Rufus in today's episode, right Aeris?

Aeris: That's right! Our guest today is an ethereal image of unadulterated darkness...many people consider him to be a vampire and he sleeps in a coffin!

Seph: He lives a tortured existence and we were created by the same foul field, Professor Hojo. His name is Lord Valentine, one-time member of the Turks.

(Vincent stalks through a cloud of smoke, clad in his usual red cloaks. The same few bars of 'One-Winged Angel' play and he kneels before Seph and Aeris, kisses their outstretched hands, and sits down between them)

Seph: Welcome, welcome, most unholy Lord!

Aeris: Yes, welcome to our dark dominion. Tell us, how art thou this evening, glorious Lord?

Vincent: Thank you Aerith, thank you Sephiroth. It's my fiendish pleasure to be here. Tonight I plan to spend hours contemplating my uncountable sins against my beloved Lucretia, going to the Lower Reaches Tavern for some absinthe, and sitting on rooftops looking scary.

Seph: What a mournful-sounding evening.

Aeris: Lord Valentine, I understand you've brought us a copy of the latest performance of the Rocky Horror Show from Gold Saucer's theatre? This is the one with us as Magenta and Riff Raff, right?

Vincent: Yes, here's the clip right here...

(He pulls a tape out of his cloak and pops it into a VCR on the table in front of the sofa. Cut scene to a badly-filmed scene from the Rocky Horror Show)

Cloud (As Rocky): Uggg!

Hojo (As Frank): Oh! Rocky!

Aeris and Seph (covering their eyes): Oh my Gods!

Tifa (As Janet): Well...I don't like a man with too many muscles...

Hojo: I didn't make him...FOR YOU! He carries the Charles Atlas Seal of Approval!

(Seph, Aeris, Vincent, and people off-screen all clap their hands and make seal noises)

(The clip ends and we are back to the sofa)

Aeris:...Hojo...as...Frank...?

Seph: Cloud as...Rocky?

Aeris: Well, at least we got to be Magenta and Riff...

(They have elbow sex right over Vincent, who grins weakly. He is about to say something but Heidegger bursts in again)

Heidegger: Hey, freaks! Rufus says that we're all going over to Seventh Heaven for drinks and you two have to come so he can make fun of you- hey! That's that freak Hojo messed up! (he points at Vincent) He's the guy who's got METAL FEET! (Heidegger sticks his head out the door and yells down the hall) Hey, Scarlet! Come and check this out! That freak Hojo worked on is in here with the Ancient and the General!

(Scarlet slithers in and starts mocking them with Heidegger. They both utter those despicable laughs.)

Seph: Well, that's about all the time we - WILL YOU TWO SHUT UP PLEASE?! - that's all the time we have, so stay tuned next week and...

Vincent, Aeris, and Seph: STAY OUT OF THE DAAAAAYLIGHT!!!

(Vincent, Seph, and Aeris are attacked by Heidegger and Scarlet, before Seph can grab Masamune and Aeris can get the Princess Guard, so they fistfight. The words 'Goth Conversation' appear on the screen and 'One-Winged Angel' starts playing.)

~fin~