At first, there were Good Intentions:
At first, it is only that he cannot breathe.
There is no air, and he feels his eyes go wide with the effort of finding it, his hands lifting uselessly, as though that will somehow help.
He tries gasping for it, tries sucking in deep breaths, like Mother used to tell him to when he was a child and he was afraid.
"Deep breaths, my child. Deep breaths."
He tries, but all that will come is nothing, and he can't get one. He can't. He tries so hard, but he can't.
At first, it is only this.
And then, slowly, he hears something like rhythmic drumming, pounding in his temples, and he thinks a voice, blurred and undefined, like listening through water.
It is only when he feels the ground beneath him vibrate with a crash, and there is suddenly upon him a terrible warmth, sliding beneath the nape of his neck, he realizes the sounds were the beating of boots and the broken voice of his brother.
Oh gods, Thor…
And then the pain comes, and he is terrified.
He wants… oh, he wants him…
His head lolls back with the agony of it, and he feels that warmth squeeze as his throat constricts, and he tries again to breathe.
His eyes sting, and he cannot see well. All he can see is black wastes and bleak, sunless sky.
His head is coming back forward, and he doesn't have the strength for it. He can feel, he doesn't have the strength.
The world spins, and then, he looks up, and Thor is there. Thor is there.
And his hands curl uselessly as he tries to reach, as his mind whirls and he wants to hold on to the warmth of his brother. He wants to hold on, he wants Thor to hold on to him, because he doesn't want to go. He doesn't want to go, and he's so scared. He's so scared.
"Oh, you fool. You didn't listen."
Loki wants to beg Thor to hold on to him, because he's scared. He wants to beg Thor not to let him go. To keep him safe.
"Please, please, keep me safe."
But he can't make the words form.
His tongue feels heavy and done, and he sputters helplessly as his eyes lock onto the face above him.
"I am a fool." He stammers, trembling.
He's beginning to feel cold.
And new fear takes him.
Never felt this before.
Never felt cold.
He tries swallowing, and he can't, and then a fresh wave of ripping pain tears through him, and he rocks forward in desperate panic, eyes clamping shut, and his voice breaks apart and hitches as he tries to breathe.
"I'm a fffoool."
And Thor is there. Thor is holding him. He's holding onto him. Loki knows, because where his hands are is warm.
The rest is so cold.
But where Thor touches him, he's warm.
He's holding him, and then he's shushing him.
"Shhhshhhshhh…" he says, and Loki shutters. "Stay with me, okay?"
And there is warmth on his face, where Thor's palm presses, pushing back dishevled hair, and Loki stares at him, and sees the naked sadness there, his great, handsome features twisted in his own pain.
And he knows.
Loki knows he's dying.
He tries, then, panicked and choked with fear, reaching for his magic.
But it isn't there.
He can't touch it.
He can feel it, bleeding out of him, rapid and unceasing. And he can't stop it. He can't find it. Can't control…
And none of this was supposed to happen.
None of this… none of any of this…
He sees Thor, and he wants to say, he wants to make him understand. He wants to tell the truth, and please, make Thor understand, make Thor see, he never meant for any of this to happen.
It was only, he wanted for things to be alright. Only that he was afraid, and he wanted to be good. He wanted to be looked upon well. Because look, couldn't they see? Couldn't they see he wanted what was good for the Realm? Couldn't they see the foolery of letting Thor take the throne, inexperienced and filled with battle lust as he was?
Couldn't Odin see? Couldn't Odin see him? See that he only wanted what was right for the Realm? What was right for them? For all of them?
Couldn't Odin see?
He never meant…
He never meant for any of this. Never wanted any of this.
And he wants to say to Thor. He wants to make Thor understand.
But he can't now.
It's too late, and he doesn't have time.
He was supposed to have so much time.
And he can't tell him. He can't explain. Can't confess any of what happened, any of what they did to him. Can't make Thor understand he didn't mean for any of this. Didn't want any of this. Can't admit he was afraid, and lost, and he didn't know what to do. Didn't know what to do without his big brother.
His mind races, frantic and searching and desperate. And all his eloquence is gone. All his silvertongue, useless and dead, and no words can he find.
Still, he tries. And all that comes from his numbing lips and trembling voice is to tell him "I'm sorry."
He says it, and it feels right. And it feels like not enough. And he says it again, rushed and urgent.
And he wants Thor to understand so badly. He wants Thor to see. But this isn't enough, and he doesn't have the time anymore, and he'll never know, he'll never see…
"I'm sorry." He says again, and it isn't enough.
"It's alright." Thor says. His great, thundering voice is weak and shaking, and it's so wrong. It isn't right at all.
There is such sorrow etched and deep within his face, and Loki wonders at it, and hates himself that he should have put it there with this final act of foolish heroics.
He never could do it right.
He never could do any of this right.
And he doesn't even know why. Doesn't understand.
Only that he saw Thor. Saw that monster killing Thor, and he moved, because that was his position. He watched Thor's back. That was his place. He guarded Thor's back.
And Thor was relying on him. Thor trusted him. And he couldn't… he couldn't let that monster kill Thor too. Not Thor too… Not when he'd let him kill…
"I'll tell Father what you did here today." Thor says.
And Loki feels himself losing.
What strength is left goes, suddenly, and he stops. He stops shaking.
His body falls still.
He stares up into his brother's eyes. He stares up, and he sees all the ruin his own actions have wrought, even in his wish to do well.
And he thinks, maybe… he hopes then Thor knows. Even if he caused him suffering in it, he meant well..
He meant well…
He knows it.
There is no fighting this anymore.
And so he doesn't.
He doesn't anymore.
He won't go to Valhalla. He won't see Mother.
He doesn't deserve that.
He stares up into his brother's eyes, and everything is so cold now. It's so cold, and the pain has stopped. He can't feel it anymore.
He can't feel anything anymore.
He stares up at Thor, and he hopes he understands, even when he's known so well from the past the danger of ever hoping at all.
"… I didn't do it for him." He says.
And from him the world washes away forever.
AN: So, theory time. I think, in the scene from "Thor: The Dark World", where Loki seemingly dies, that everything he says to Thor in that moment is true.
Whether Loki really believes he's dying or not, I think the only times we see Loki being truthful are either, A: when he loses control of his emotions and flips out, or B: when he thinks he won't have to face the consequences of being truthful.
In this particular circumstance, whether Loki is pretending to die, or truly believes it, I think he assumes this is the last time he'll ever, really speak to Thor as himself. And because of that, he allows himself to tell Thor the truth. Loki really does believe himself to be a fool, his self-loathing is always quite evident, and he is sorry, I think. I don't think he feels any sort of pride for anything he's done, and we see moments throughout the film where he's both frustrated and angry at himself for being unable to do the right thing. And it's the same for the things he says to Thor, as Odin, at the end of the film. He feels safe in saying how he really feels, because he doesn't have to then face the consequences of revealing those truths.
Of course, in my version, he actually thinks he's dying, and I DO believe Loki actually got himself impaled trying to save Thor. Because, for one, we see throughout the films how Loki's and Frigga's illusions vanish when touched, but that didn't happen to Loki when he got run through, so clearly, that wasn't an illusion. Secondly, Loki could have so easily chosen that moment, when Kurse is beating the hell out of Thor, to simply run away and make his escape. He could have easily left Thor to his fate, but he didn't. Instead he saved him, and put his own life very much at risk in doing so.
Anyway, enough explanation. I'm planning on continuing this and delving into what happens after Loki takes the throne of Asgard, and everything that comes out of that. So this is just sort of a prologue. I hope you enjoyed it! And please let me know what you think!