"Black. What the fuck are you doing?"

"Looking for an exit. There's got to be an exit here somewhere."

"There is, as a matter of fact. Right down to the Chamber of Secrets. If you speak Parseltongue, that is."

"Very funny, Snape."

"I'm surprised that you don't. You seem to be… closer to the animal world, if you know what I mean."

"Do shut up."


"Though on the second thought, I do agree. I'm closer to the animal world… you're more of an insect of some sort. Or a fungus."

"Fungus. Me — a fungus."

"I hope I didn't hurt your feelings... much."

"I've got none. All dead inside."

"Since when?"

"Since Albus betrayed me. I've got nothing left now."

"Snape, don't you think you're being a bit melodramatic?"

"Not at all. Sending me on assignments where I risk being discovered, and tortured, and killed is one thing, that's acceptable. Now, locking me up with you in a girls' lavatory — that's crossing the line. I might have to kill him for that."

"But not me?"

"You too, of course. That's a given."

"Hmmm. Snape… How?"

"How what?"

"How are you going to kill me?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"Well, so far it's been one failed attempt after another. You could have killed me back when — well, two years ago, when I first got out of Azkaban. I was helpless and at your mercy, easy to kill — and what do you do? You conjure a stretcher, then — deliver me into custody where I wait to be rescued…"

"The plan was to feed you to the Dementors."

"If you say so."

"I do say so!"

"Then — at Gimmauld, well, you could have easily…."

"I was biding my time. I'm still biding my time. You just wait, Black."

"If I wait any longer, I'll die of old age."

"Black. People with your temperament do not die of old age."

"Right. They get killed by Snapes, presumably."


"With all those failed attempts — oh, pardon me, with all that time-biding — one might think you're just not trying very hard."

"I'm not good at multitasking. One-track mind. One murder at a time."

"Right, so I'm somewhere on your list? You do have a list, I trust?"

"Of course I do. You're number four."

"Oh? Dare I ask who are the first three?"

"Dumbledore. Then — Voldemort. Then — Pettigrew."

"I'd help you with the last two. With Dumbledore — you're on your own."

"I'm always on my own, Black."

"Except now. Now — you aren't."

"Shall I bump you up to the top of the list?"

"Hm. But then you'll be locked up in girls' bathroom with a dead body on your hands."

"At least it won't talk."

"Oh, but that doesn't mean silence. I could become a ghost…"

"Impossible. You need to fear death in order to become a ghost."

"Are you saying I'm brave? Snape, I'm… touched."

"Not brave, no. Brainless."

"No, no, don't take this away from me. I will cherish this moment for eternity. The day Severus Snape complimented me — ah!"

"Black. Do shut up."

"Snape, what are you — don't!"

"A simple bombardment charm should take care of the bloody door."

"I tried that half an hour ago, remember?"

"Yes, but your spells are weaker."

"MY spells are weaker? Why you…"

"Less focused, too. Now, shush."

"It didn't work."

"I can see that, Black!"

"Well, hm. Albus… wouldn't just leave us here indefinitely, would he? I mean, the Order needs us."

"Does it? All right, I'll give you that it needs me…"

"Snape, you know what? I think I will be making a list of my own. List of people to kill, I mean."

"I don't think you have it in you."

"You don't think I'm capable of murder?"

"I don't think you're capable of spelling, or putting numbers in a sequence."

"You're going to be number two on that list."

"Who's number one?"

"Pettigrew. Don't be jealous, I've known him longer."

"By a couple of minutes!"

"Snape…. You ARE jealous."

"Don't be stupid."

"You love me. I know it."

"No, Black, you love me. Any moment now you will fall on your knees and beg… Black, what are you doing?"

"Falling on my knees, of course."

"But your back is turned to me!"


"Black, that's not how begging is done."

"That's because I'm not begging. I'm examining the plumbing. I think — if I slice through the pipe, the bathroom will flood, the water will overflow into the hallways, and someone will need to enter the bathroom to fix the damage."

"Brilliant, simply brilliant. Why didn't I think of that?"

"Because you aren't very bright, Snape."

"Ah, yes, that must be it. Well, what are you waiting for?"

"You to shut up."

"I stand here in silent awe of your genius. Please, proceed."

"It didn't work."

"I can see that, Snape. And you — you're smirking! Do you know something that I don't?"

"Only that there's an automated water removal charm right outside the door. Was placed there two months ago."

"You knew!"

"Of course I knew. I know everything there's to know about this school."

"And you didn't tell me?"



"I wanted to see the water hit you right in the face when you sliced through the pipe."

"I hate you so much."



"Yes, Black?"

"How well do you know Albus?"

"I don't know him at all."

"But — you worked for him for how long? Ten years now?"


"You must know him! I mean — ten years!"

"He pays the wages on time. He keeps lemon candy in his office. He wears vulgar robes and he makes little sense most days."

"You sound bitter."


"I can't help but wonder why you chose him over Voldemort."

"Who says I did? I might be playing both sides."


"Snape, seriously. He wouldn't just … leave us here overnight?"

"He might."

"That's twisted."

"Tell me about it."

"Where are you going now?"

"I'm going to take a piss. Is that all right with you, Snape?"

"Oh. Yes, that's fine."

"Really? Thank you ever so much."

"Don't mention it."

"Snape, I don't believe it. You — you just gave up? Transfigured yourself a bed, blankets, pillows — and that's it? You're going to sleep?"

"It's past midnight. What would you have me do?"

"Oh, I don't know. Call for help!"

"I do NOT call for help."

"That's stupid."

"Feel free to call for help yourself."

"I don't feel like it."

"Because nobody ever comes?"

"You know, Snape, you could try saying the same words with a sympathetic smile, rather than a sneer…"

"Why on earth would I do that?"

"To build bridges. To reach out to another human being. To feel less alone."

"You've lost me."

"Black! What the fuck!"

"Move over."

"I shall most definitely not move over — transfigure your own bed!"

"I can't."

"I don't know what you're playing at, but even with your pitiful transfiguration skills, you should be able to manage some sort of… a doggy rug."

"My transfiguration skills are every bit as good as yours. This — this room — it won't let me."

"It's a just a bathroom, Black. There's nothing sinister about it. It can't bind your magic or…"

"Then you fucking try it! Go ahead! Transfigure another bed!"

"Well. That's surprising."

"Told you so."

"Fascinating, really. It won't even permit me to remove the water from the floor."

"I'm so glad you find this fascinating, Snape."

"It's almost as if the room wants you to be cold and miserable."

"I don't think so. Move over, now."

"Not a chance. Very well, you may borrow a blanket. One blanket."

"What good is it to me — on a wet floor?"

"That's your problem, Black."



"Good night, Snape."

"Good night, Black."

"Black! Would you mind — not doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Standing over my bed and staring at me!"

"I'm guarding your sleep."

"You're acting creepy — even for you."

"Am I frightening you?"

"No, you're making me nauseous!"

"That's the plan. As soon as you run to the toilet stall to vomit, I'll take over the bed."

"Don't make me hex you."

"I dare you to try!"

"Expelliarmus —

"Expelliarmus —

"Where did the wands go? Snape!"

"Merlin only knows."

"Seriously. Where are they?"

"With our luck? Could be anywhere. In one of the toilets, perhaps."

"Fuck. Should we go looking for them?"

"The idea of sticking my hand in one toilet bowl after another — in the dark — isn't my idea of fun. I'll wait till sunrise."

"Snape, you realize, it's all your fault."

"How is it my fault?"

"If you'd just let me sleep with you…"

"Black, do you even understand what you're saying?"

"What's the fuss all about, anyway? It's not like we're naked!"

"Black, please. I did not need that image in my head right now."

"So what is the problem? You have an issue with sharing? You were deprived as a child?"

"I was fine!"

"No childhood trauma of some sort?"

"None whatsoever! My childhood was blissful and carefree."

"Prove it."


"Move over. Let me sleep with you."

"You've lost me."


"Fine — what?"

"You may sit on the bed. At the foot of the bed."


"Well? What is you problem now, Black?"

"I'm… overwhelmed. By this uncommon generosity of spirit. I might just faint."

"Black, this isn't funny. I've got classes to teach in the morning, and you aren't letting me sleep."

"You think you've got classes to teach in the morning."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well… we don't really know what's happening in the outside world. Voldemort could have won. The school could be evacuated. Us — left behind."

"Unlikely… Black! I said you could sit at the foot of the bed — not hog half the bed — give that pillow back!"

"What do you need FOUR pillows for?"

"What is it to you?"

"I knew it. You were deprived as a child. There was a shortage of pillows in your household… Watch the elbow. Move your skinny arse out of the way."

"I beg your pardon!"

"Granted. Sleep now."

"This is unbelievable."

"You're unbelievable. It's all your fault."

"Fine, everything's my fault. Feel free to shut your trap any moment now."

"It's really important for you to have the last word, isn't it?"

"Black. Sleep."

"Black. You aren't sleeping."

"What is it to you?"

"You're driving me insane."

"A short drive?"

"Why aren't you bloody sleeping? You're warm. You're under the blankets. You're hogging three quarters of the bed!"

"Don't be jealous because I'm built better than you."

"Black, you're evading the question. Why aren't you sleeping, you worthless, ungrateful, useless piece of — "

"Piece of what? Don't hold back, Snape, tell me how you're feeling."

"Why aren't you sleeping?"

"I'm lonely and starved for affection."

"How can you be lonely? You're in bed with me!"

"How can I not be lonely? I'm in bed with you."

"I will kill Albus for this."

"How? You haven't got a wand anymore."

"I'll use a pillow."

"Ah. Yes. Use a representation of something you never had as a child to kill your father figure. You know, there's something very Freudian about that."

"I do wish I had my wand. I could just use it to puncture my eardrums so I wouldn't have to listen to you."

"Yes. It's a pity that we don't have the wands… You know, Snape, it was really daft. What we did."

"Of course it was. You should have just let me disarm you."

"Seriously. I do believe it's partly my fault. I mean — look at us. Both wands down some toilet… and why? Just because I couldn't accept you as the person that you are — a nasty, obnoxious, selfish, greedy prick."

"Yes, Black. I can see that it was my fault too. I should have made peace with you being a creepy stalker years ago."



"Can I ask you something?"

"Obviously, nothing can stop you."

"Why don't you — you know. Call for help? Is it like you said — because nobody comes?"

"On the contrary. All the wrong sort of people arrive when you call for help — and they capitalize on your weakness. I've discovered that, when trouble strikes, it's best not to attract any attention at all."

"Hey, that actually made sense. In a really weird, misanthropic sort of way."

"I'm glad you think so."

"It's sad, though. I mean… you sound sad."

"Black. I'm in bed with you. Of course I'm sad. Any sane person would be."

"Would you like me to sleep on the floor? At the foot of the bed, in a puddle of water?"

"No. It makes no difference now. I'm already feeling dirty and used. You may as well stay."

"That's… almost romantic."

"I know."

"Seriously, the way you said it — about feeling dirty and used — that came across as… well, kinky. You like being used? Feeling dirty? Is that your thing?"

"Black, I'm warning you…"

"Me — I'm more about sex on the beach and a pitcher of homemade sangria."

"I hate sex on the beach. The sand gets in — into the places where its shouldn't be."

"Only if you're lying face down — oh! Snape! You're a bottom?"

"I thought I told you to shut up."

"You haven't, not in a while."

"I'm tired. Too tired to know what I'm saying. Too tired to know what I'm not saying."

"Me too. You know what, I'm ready to sleep. I'll have the mental image of you with your butt up in the air to comfort me."

"Whatever it takes to shut you up, Black."


"Yes, Black?"

"I find the entire thing odd."

"What — the thought of me having sex?"

"No! Well, that too, but actually I was thinking of our predicament. I mean — that was strange. That we both barged in here at the exact same time…"


"Let's retrace our steps. I was visiting Albus, you were patrolling the school. We both heard Harry scream — we rushed in here… except…"

"You were much further away than I was. So we couldn't have heard Potter's scream at the same time."

"It's all very odd. And this limitation on our magic? I don't know if Albus has the power to do that."

"Do not underestimate that man, Black. He has the power to feed lemon drops to Minerva. He is capable of anything."

"I wonder why he did this to us. Snape? You know Albus better than I do. Why would he do this to us?"

"I know exactly why he did it."

"Are you going to tell me?"


"Why not?"

"The truth might upset you."

"I doubt that. What could possibly upset me — when I'm in bed with you? Nothing can hurt me now."

"Very well then. If you're sure."

"I'm sure, Snape. Let's hear it."

"Albus thinks you're too much of a loose cannon. He doesn't trust you. Your behavior could compromise the Order any moment. I think he doesn't know what to do with you, and he's hoping I'll kill you."

"Snape, I'm impressed. It takes a very sick mind to come up with a theory like that."

"You've got your own theory, I suppose?"

"Well, yes…"

"Out with it."

"It might upset you. Actually, I hope it does. I hope it leaves you a whimpering, traumatized wreck for the rest of your life."

"Do tell."

"Maybe he wants to teach us a lesson. Maybe that's the condition of our release. You know. We need to make peace. Make love, not war and all that."

"Are you saying we need to have sex in order to get out of here?"

"Oh god, did I say that?"


"You aren't… well, you don't sound as indignant as I thought you might be."

"I'm too tired to be indignant. Very well, you may perform oral sex on me."


"You may suck me off, Black."

"I think it needs to be mutual."

"Not necessarily. Just your sacrifice could end up being sufficient."

"I don't want to be the only one doing the sucking."

"Then there's no hope at all, Black. No hope at all."

"It didn't work."

"On the contrary, Black, it did."

"The door is still locked."

"Yes. But, looking at the bright side of things, I had an orgasm and five minutes of blissful silence while your mouth was occupied."

"We're still trapped!"

"Hmm. Give me a few minutes to recover, then you can try again. Maybe there needs to be a certain number of orgasms before it'll let us out. Maybe there's a magic number. Three, for example. Or eight. Or twenty-six."

"Why twenty-six?"

"I happen to be fond of that number. No particular reason."

"Black — what are you doing?"

"I'm — you can't tell?"

"You're rubbing up against my arse."

"Yes. I am. I reckoned — since you're feeling dirty and used anyway…"

"But do you really think that door will open up, if you just keep rubbing?"

"You never know. Something might open up… ha!"



"Stop that."

"I can't. I'm so close…"

"If you come on my robes…"

"If you're so worried about your robes, lift them up… drop trousers, too."

"You understand, I'm only doing it to protect my clothes."

"Of course. And — bend your knee — yes, just like that, and pull your butt cheeks apart…"

"I don't see how that will protect my clothing."

"It will, Snape, trust me… Merlin, it feels incredible… so…"

"Don't even bloody think about it — not without lubricant…"

"So hot. I want to lick it. Stick my fingers inside. Work you loose…"



"Do it."

"Black, it's — almost dawn. I'm tired. I'm sore. I have multiple bite marks on my arse. My arse that you wont' stop groping."

"I can't. I love feeling it clench in my palm. It's incredible."

"Merlin almighty, I'm locked up with a pervert."

"What, you think only a pervert can enjoy your arse?"

"I didn't say that… Can we please get some sleep?"

"Yes… turn around to face me."


"I want to kiss you."

"I don't want your kisses. I remember where your mouth has been."

"You ungrateful little shit."

"Good night, Black."

"Good night, Snape…. Wait, you're actually going to sleep?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"You're wandless. I could kill you in your sleep."

"Good point. Give back that pillow."

"That's some pillow fetish there, Snape. Here you go. I'll just … rest my head on your shoulder… or your chest… like that…"

"Fuck! Take the bloody pillow! Take them all! Kill me now, just don't do THAT again!"

"You don't like cuddling?"

"What do you think?"

"I think we'll work through your childhood trauma eventually. The one that has to do with pillows and cuddling."

"Black. Sleep before I kill you."

"Snape. You — you fucking Slytherin beast. I knew there was a reason you wanted me to sleep. You wanted to be the first one to wake, get your hands on my wand and kill me."

"Here's your wand back, Black. You might want to thank me — it took me a while to find it. It got lodged in between the toilet stalls."

"You're just giving it back to me?"

"Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, — you aren't even making me beg. That's not like you. What's the catch?"

"No catch."

"Snape, you're making me nervous."

"The doors is open. We should be able to leave."

"And you just… stayed here? Waited for me?"



"It didn't seem right to abandon you."

"Hah! It won't let you out on your own, will it?"


"Ha-ha! We need to walk through the door together — oh, that's too good to be true."

"Shut up, Black. Let's go before this bloody bathroom changes its mind and locks us up again."

"It's a deal."

"By the way, Black, I think you were right. About this entire… thing. I really don't think it was Albus."

"So who was it?"

"Not who. What."

"You're joking."

"No. You're familiar with the Room of Requirement, I trust?"

"You wound me. Of course, I'm familiar…"

"I think the entire school has this sort of ability. To create a certain setting in order to achieve its goals."

"Snape, that doesn't make sense. Why would the school want us to have sex?"

"I don't think it wanted us to have sex. I think it just wanted us to fall asleep together and become convinced that we can trust each other."

"I can't believe it. I sucked you and I rimmed you — when we could have just — fucking — slept!"

"As I suggested we do. Multiple times."

"Why would the school do this to us?"

"It's gone crazy."

"With you patrolling its hallways — I'm not surprised. Then again, maybe the school anticipated something. Maybe a day is coming when we'll both be needed here. Both of us alive, able to work together."

"How romantic."

"Or maybe it didn't anticipate anything. Maybe all it did was give us what we wanted. Like the Room of Requirement does."

"You mean, we did this to ourselves?"

"I'm afraid so, Snape."

"We locked ourselves up in a bathroom, limited our own magic, then nearly sent the wands down the toilet, then slept in the same bed, and we — we fucked for no reason at all…"

"Well, I wouldn't say that. You had an orgasm, I had an orgasm… By the way, you aren't as upset about it as I thought you'd be."

"I am. I'm seething with rage. Not a word about this to Albus."

"Of course not… Seriously, I thought you'd be more angry. You know, threaten to kill me. Try to Obliviate me. Wait. Let me guess, you're biding your time?"

"Always, Black. Always."