"Spencer... What is this? What did you do?" JJ's was screaming at him through sobs and tears.
"It's nothing, it- it's okay," he said trying to pull his sweater back down to his wrist.
"This," she said, holding up his wrist to his face, pushing the arm of his sweater back, "is not 'okay'. How could you be doing this to yourself?! How long has this been happening?!"
"JJ," he pleaded through tears, "I didn't want to. I don't want to! I NEVER wanted to! It's just," he could hardly control the violent sobs as they came, "when I lost Maeve, I didn't know what else to do! What was I supposed to do, JJ?!"
"Talk to me! Talk to us!" she said, motioning to the rest of the team standing around the room. "You know you could have come to any one of us, we would have helped you! But this-" once again holding his wrist up to show him as if he didn't know exactly what was there- he didn't need an eidetic memory for that- "This is not what you should do!"
"I'm so sorry," he said, falling into her open arms, sobbing into her shoulder, not knowing what else to do or say.
After a minute, when he was able to get his tears under a little more control, Morgan spoke up.
"How long has this been going on?"
"Four months, twenty-three days, eleven hours, twenty-two minutes, eighteen seconds; ever since the night Maeve was killed."
"All that time, you never looked for help?" Hotch said with worried eyes, not only for his teammate, but for his friend.
"I talked to Emily," Spencer said, looking up with his puppy dog eyes, "but I never told her..." he ran off, furrowing his eyebrows, and glancing down at his arm. "I didn't want you guys to think I was weak, or that you guys needed to take care of me."
"Man, it's okay to be taken care of sometimes," Morgan said, looking tentatively down at Reid. "It's okay to ask for help when you need it. We can't be strong 24/7. None of us can. We don't expect you to be strong all the time. How could we?"
"I know, you guys are right," he said looking around the conference room, filled with the concerned faces of all the people he loved. He hated being the reason for everyone to be worried. They all had enough of that with their work. He didn't need to be adding to it. He mentally slapped himself for allowing them to find out. "Thanks, guys. I'm fine. I think I just need some rest. I'll see you guys tomorrow."
Before anyone could speak, he grabbed his bag and hurried out the door. Their eyes all followed him as he walked through the glass doors of the BAU, before stepping into the elevator. When the doors closed in front of him, they all held their gaze for a minute more. Finally, Penelope broke the silence.
"Are you guys sure he's okay?"
After taking a moment to collect his wandering thoughts, "I know he's not, but I don't know what we can do if he won't let us in," Morgan said with a sigh.
"All we can do right now, is make sure he knows we are there for him," JJ said, still looking at the place Reid had been sitting next to her. "I think I will go over and try to talk to him tonight. Maybe giving him a little time to relax before seeing him will allow him to calm down a little."
"Okay, Jayje. Just- Let us know how it goes, okay?" Garcia said with her usual worried tone she saved just for when her babies were in trouble.
You shouldn't be doing this. You know you shouldn't be doing this. Call JJ. Talk to her. You know she will help you.
Reid was saying to himself as he stood over the bathroom sink, with a blade in his hand.
I just can't. I don't want her thinking of me like this.
Without allowing himself to reconsider, he skid the cool metal across his warm skin, slicing through the already marked path left by scars, allowing the blood to release from his veins, taking all of the hurt and the anger down the drain with them.
What if he's asleep? If he is, you don't want to wake him, especially seeing that he hasn't slept at all recently.
JJ said to herself as she decided just to use the key Spencer had given her in case of emergencies. After looking through her purse, unable to find the spare, she felt the cold metal surface against her fingertips, and grabbed a hold of the key, pulling it out and turning it in the lock.
She walked in stealthily, as to be sure to not disturb him if he was asleep. She began walking through the hall, when she heard the water running in the bathroom sink. She gave a quick knock as she walked through the door, knowing he would be decent given the sink running. She pushed the door open to the medium sized bathroom. She had been in it many times before, but this time one thing was different. One thing that broke her heart into a million pieces the minute she saw it.
"Spencer, what are you doing?!" she screamed as she looked down to the bloody water washing into the drain. She already had tears in her eyes, seeing Spencer like this. He was leaning over the sink, his hair pushed back behind his ears, allowing her to see the tears running down his face. She looked at the blade in his hand, and stood paralyzed, not knowing what to do.
"JJ, what are you doing here?!" he said, obviously startled by her appearance.
"What am I doing here? I should be asking you the same thing! How could you do this to yourself, Spence?! Not two hours ago did you tell us all that you were fine. Now, even though I never believed it, I never thought you would rush home to do this!" she said flinging her arms as to refer to him.
He slumped down to the floor, dropping the blade in the sink, and resting his head against the tiled wall. JJ rushed to turn off the sink, and grabbed a towel from the rack, kneeling down next to Spencer, and holding the clothe against his bloody arm.
They sat there for a minute, and once the bleeding had stopped, she tried to get him up.
"Come on, Spence. You need to have it wrapped."
"No, I don't. I'm fine. It'll be nothing but a scab by tomorrow," he said almost casually, all but infuriating JJ.
"Nothing but a scab?! How can you say that? Where is that PhD in Psychology? You know self-harm is-"
He cut her off to comment, "It's a BA."
"What?" she asked, dumbfounded.
"My PhD's are in Mathematics, Chemistry, and Engineering. I have BA's in Psychology, and Sociology," he said, looking down at his feet.
"Okay, whatever Spencer, that's not my point! Forgot all the degrees and whatever. How about your 187 IQ? You are smart enough to know that it doesn't just go away like that!"
"Well, when under stress, the body and brain work to manage as well as solve the strain it puts on the body, which effectively lowers one's IQ, making mine around 165 currently."
JJ was about to slap him. She almost wished she could, but remembered how hard this is for Spencer, and calmed her rage enough from to withdrawal the urge of assaulting him.
"You know what I mean," she said with a stern, but concerned face.
He looked down at his feet again before wiping the tears from his eyes, only to leave his cheek bloody from the remains left on his hands. "I know."
She gave him a little smile before walking him to the kitchen to get a towel to wipe his face. He liked the way he felt when she was with him. Even if she was taking care of him, which he usually hated. He had always been the one taking care of someone else. Ever since his dad left, and he was left to handle his schizophrenic mother alone. He didn't know any other way, since she was never lucid long enough to really take care of him. But, of the first time in his life, he felt eased when JJ took care of him. He couldn't help but wonder why she made such a difference. He liked it.