Here we go… one chapter a day and it will finish on Christmas Eve with an epi to follow Christmas Day.
Thanks to Kitty, Donna, & Mary for all their incredible help. Hope you like it!
"I look ridiculous!" I stood with my hands on my green, velvet covered hips and glared at Alice. "Why the hell do you get to be the pretty little fairy and me the goddamn frumpy elf?"
Alice giggled. "Because I can pull off these pretty shoes and a tutu without breaking my ankle, Bella, and you can barely walk straight in slippers." She did a twirl in the ridiculously high shoes and waved her wand looking completely adorable and I had to admit she was right.
"Yeah, the shoes would have been my downfall. And I suppose," I stuck out my tongue, "That white Lycra suit really does show off your teenage boy breasts."
"And the gloves have come off ladies and gentlemen." She laughed. "I think you need to save the trash talk when you look like that."
Again she was right, because I was stuck with a green, velvet tunic with a red and white striped top underneath; green velvet shorts which were huge and made my ass look like the size of a small country, and don't even get me started on the thick wool, red and white tights that were itching like crazy. I also had a crappy little green hat and shoes with bells on-… bells!
"The universe hates me," I grumbled.
"For an elf, Bella, you're actually pretty cute." Alice grinned. "Let's go, Santa needs to use this closet to change. Wait, I almost forgot! Here."
"What the hell is that?" I shrieked.
"Your beard," she said like it was the most normal sounding thing in the world.
I took the wiry, ginger mop of hair from her with a look of disgust on my face.
"I'm supposed to be an elf, Alice, not a fucking leprechaun. Jesus," I groaned. "Why did I agree to this? Rosalie Hale is dead."
I fiddled with the beard cursing the soft side to my nature. I could have been at home with a good book and a mug of hot chocolate, but no, I was dressed like a complete idiot about to hand out gifts to the patients on the paediatric ward at Massachusetts General Hospital here in Boston.
"This is my good deed for the year, that's for sure." I attempted to pat down the ridiculous ruffles on my hips, a task that failed before it even begun.
"Who are you kidding? You'll be at the hospital bright and early on Christmas Eve like you always are. You're a Christmas Angel, Bella." Alice adjusted my beard and patted my cheek. "There—perfect."
"Gee thanks," I muttered.
We'd been forced to change inside a janitor's closet away from the main ward where all the kids were gathered. Some of them were old enough to know the truth about Santa, but some of the little ones still believed, so Rosalie wanted to make sure they didn't see us in human clothes.
We walked to Rosalie's office. Alice, Rose, and I had known each other for years and until recently we had all shared an apartment on Liverpool Street. Rose moved in with her boyfriend Emmett and Alice and I still lived together—for now anyway. After today I was seriously considering evicting her.
Rose was the administrator for the Paediatric Department, and as much as she claimed to hate kids, she spent an awful lot of her free time planning things like this. She even did her own fundraising to hire the costumes and went all over Boston to persuade large companies to donate the gifts we were handing out. I still hated her, of course.
"Hot stuff, Bella." Rose walked down the hall to us with a wide grin on her face. "You too, Alice, although you appear to be missing your tits."
Alice ignored her. "Where's Santa?"
"There," she said angrily and pointed to a man asleep in a chair. "Santa got drunk and passed out. I had to talk one of our residents into dressing up instead."
"Won't the kids recognise him?" I asked doubtfully.
"I don't know, Bella," Rose said impatiently. "It was either that or I dress up and I think the kids would notice if Santa showed up with tits and long red fingernails."
"Hey this is 2013, maybe Santa caved to his cross dressing tendencies?" I said and Alice laughed.
"This was a bad idea."
We looked to the voice and Rose laughed. "Very nice, Doc."
"I don't think this is going to work," Santa's muffled voice complained.
"Pipe down and be merry—everybody." Rose eyed me accusingly and started to sing, "It's the most wonderful time of the year."
Her attempt to raise spirits fell flatter than a pancake and I threw her the finger, which seemed to make Santa laugh and got Rose to stop singing, so a win-win situation for us all.
"I'd do that, but these gloves are about four sizes too big," he whispered. "I can barely move my fingers."
Santa was actually quite cute… well his eyes were cute. I couldn't see much else thanks to the huge white beard. They were an unusual shade of green, not the same hideous green that I was currently fashioning. His shade of green was more… spring like.
Spring like? Seriously? How lame am I?
I watched Alice dance into the room to tell the kids Santa was here. As they began to cheer and clap I groaned and scratched my legs one final time.
"Stupid itchy wool," I hissed.
"Consider yourself lucky you don't have half a sheep stuck to your face and no hands to scratch it with." Santa held up his ridiculous hands again and I laughed.
"No, but I'm thinking the poor sheep whose wool was used for these tights had frickin' fleas."
"Good point." Santa nodded and then added, "I suppose the benefit I have is I won't need to worry about putting any weight on over the holidays… I'm sure I'll have sweated off about a third of my body weight by the end of the evening."
A cell phone started ringing from his direction. "Your pants are calling you."
"Like I could answer it!" He laughed and just ignored it.
I tried to discreetly scratch my leg with my foot, but it didn't give me any satisfaction and the stupid bell on my toes jingled as I did it. Santa also found that funny and I gave him a disapproving look.
"It's not polite to laugh at someone in such an embarrassing situation," I said to him and made him laugh even more. Again, I couldn't stop looking at his eyes—definitely spring like. They were all twinkly and… bouncy.
"Seriously?" I whispered to myself and unable to stand the itching I bent over to scratch them with my fingers and Santa started to cough, presumably he'd inhaled a mouthful of the sheep on his face.
"Let's go, Santa," Rose hissed and I put on my best smile and walked into the room.
It seemed to take forever, and while Santa got all the kids asking to hug him and being extra specially good just in case he put them on the naughty list—I got the naughty brats who thought tormenting me was more fun.
One little squirt in particular wouldn't leave me alone. He kept pulling my beard and hitting my feet with the wheels on a supply trolley just to try and make my bells jingle. I was about ready to throttle the little scrotum when a nurse ordered him back to his bed.
Forty eight minutes and nineteen seconds later we had to wave goodbye to Santa with the kids. As soon as Rose gave me the signal to go—I flew from the room and straight to the janitor's closet. The itching on my legs was now unbearable and as soon as I got the door closed I whipped the shorts and tights down and started scratching furiously.
"Ah," I groaned. "So, so good."
"Um… elf girl?"
I squealed and spun around to find I was face to face with green-eyed Santa. I'd been bent over mere inches away from his crotch… with just my goddamn thong on.
"Aw, crap. You just saw me… I'm so sorry but I just couldn't stand it anymore. Sheep fleas remember?" I shook my head, absolutely humiliated.
"I didn't realise elves had such good taste in underwear," he said nervously and I laughed. "Or such cute asses for that matter."
How it happened, I have no idea. One moment we were standing awkwardly with me half-dressed and still with my beard in place… and the next he was kissing me and I was kissing him right back.
His huge gloves were gone and his warm hands held my face. I wanted to point out we were both still bearded, but didn't want to stop for even a second. It was one hell of a kiss… the kind that always gives you a rush of excitement just thinking about it years down the line. Santa's tongue flicked against mine and he moaned when I sucked on his bottom lip. I was just about to do it again when his phone rang, effectively breaking our moment and he stepped away with a groan.
I watched as he took it from his pocket and looked at the display. "Hey, T. I know I missed our date, I had something important to do at work." He turned away to talk to her and as soon as his back was to me, I pulled my jeans on quickly and ran out of the room, still half dressed in the elf costume.
"Hey, Bella," Rose yelled. "I need the suit back!"
"I'll bring it to your office tomorrow," I called back without stopping.
All night I lay in bed thinking about the fact I'd made out with Santa, Santa had a girlfriend, and then Santa had a girlfriend but still made out with an elf in a janitors closet.
I made a mental note to seek professional help at some point in the near future.
Hope you're with me! It's kind of real time… each update is pretty much a new day.
Thanks for reading