"Hey...I knew you'd still be here, you workaholic," my friend Rose says as she walks into my office.
"Hey." I stop my work and turn around to face my best friend. I was grading papers that I put off to the last minute. Well, it's actually the last hour before campus closes for Thanksgiving. She takes a seat on my tiny couch after she moves a stack of exam papers that I've actually finished reading.
"The weather report says the storm will be coming in tonight, Bella. Are you sure you don't want to ride with me? I've got Emmett's Hummer. We can come get your old junker tomorrow. Or if you're lucky it will be destroyed by the heavy rains and gale force winds and you can get a new one."
"Thanks, Rose. But my truck is inside the parking structure. If I leave it here, I won't be able to get it out until security opens it up next week. And stop hating on the truck. My dad gave me that."
"Yeah, he gave it to you so he could get a new one that works. And I'm sure your wannabe boyfriend, security officer Mike, would open the gate for you," she teases. "He's got keys to everything..." she pauses and sighs dramatically, "just not to your heart."
I roll my eyes hard. "Right. He keeps the magic keys in his pocket next to his tiny dick."
"That's mean, Bella."
"Trust me, he deserves it," I retort.
"No, I mean it's mean that you won't tell me the story of 'Bella and the Little Dick.' "
"You make it sound like a fairy tale. Only with a smidgen of cock. And it will take many, many drinks to make me relive that story. " And possibly some nipple torture. Though that might be hot coming from Rose.
Geez, have I been sans man so long that my best chance for sexual contact is a titty-twister from my hetero-girl-bestie? How did this become my life?
"Fairy tales have a happy ending...and the girl and boy live happily ever after. Your story is more like a mystery. Like - how in the fuck is it possible that you're still single?"
"You know my work schedule."
"I know that you work way too hard to publish all those articles and teach too many classes."
"It will pay off," I reply, defiantly. "I'm going to be the youngest chair ever in the history department."
"Yeah...but at what cost? I know you're going home to be alone and then tomorrow you'll spend a few hours in the diner having turkey with your dad and drive home to your cat."
"That's not weird."
"Did you buy the turkey costume for your cat?" she asks pointedly.
I look at everything in the office except her. "Okay. So that's a little weird," I admit. Begrudgingly. "But it is so cute. And Elizabeth the First loves it."
"When's the last time someone petted your kitty? Besides yourself?"
I raise my eyebrow as I stare at her.
"Yes, that is exactly what I mean. Like I give a shit about touching your mangy animal. I was trying not to be crass," Rose says with a sigh. "You need some action, Bella, before your pussy closes up from non-use."
"Excellent job not being crass," I snark.
"Seriously. Your vadge will be like the nose piercing I got freshman year...but hopefully without the scabbing and pus."
"Annnd I spoke too soon."
"Come on, Bella. You know I'm right."
"About the pus?"
She rolls her eyes and clicks her tongue at me in disapproval. "Look, I almost forgot my main reason for coming over here - Emmett set you up on a double date with us and his new friend. It's that new professor from Oxford."
I gasp. Loudly. And Rose smells my fear at the mention of the man that I've been drooling over since he joined the English department this semester as a Shakespeare expert.
"Holy shit. You know who I'm talking about. "
Fuck yes, I do. I might be developing carpal tunnel from all the self-loving I do while fantasizing about him. But I don't tell her that. It might be an overshare. Okay, not for Rose. She'd love that info.
"I - uh..." Oh how he'd be thrilled at my command of the English language right now.
"He's super gorgeous and has the cutest English accent," she adds, staring at me and hoping I'll blurt out something she can use against me. "And the suit he was wearing...he had on suspenders," she sings, knowingly.
Oh god, suspenders. I feel lightheaded. When I talked to him in the cafeteria last week he was wearing suspenders. I'm pretty sure that's why a gnat flew into my mouth. I barely noticed it. It was probably more nutritious than my lunch.
"And he had on a bow tie."
I swoon like I'm a teen again. Or more like a thirty year-old woman who might've had a tiny orgasm at the thought of running my hands through Professor Cullen's reddish-brown hair as he reads a sonnet into my heaving bosom.
"He asked about you," she adds when my breathing regulates. "I told him you shared interest in the same time period of British history. And British stuff made you horny."
And I begin flailing. Rose laughs. "Okay, I said that you were quite the anglophile."
I breathe a sigh of relief - before I start fanning myself. I might pass out.
"And I totally scoped out his crotch, Bell..." Well, who hasn't? I'd camp out between his muscled thighs. "And there's no way that's a tiny cock. If it is - it's like eight of them in there. Or a sock. One of those extra thick ski ones-"
"Classy, Rose. Did you get a pic or video of it?" I ask, sarcastically. Well, mostly sarcastically. Because I wouldn't exactly delete that if she had it. You know, for research or whatever. Especially if he has an octocock. That I need to see.
"Geez, no, Bella." She looks offended.
"Me, too. Stupid Emmett kept blocking my phone. I think he knew what I was trying to do."
We both laugh.
"But seriously, I know he was interested. You should totally do him."
"Let me put that down for tonight. I'll pencil it in...Do...Edward...Cullen. There. It's lucky I shaved my legs this morning and wore matching underwear. Now I have nothing holding me back."
"Non-matching underwear is no big deal. You could just remove it and go commando. Never met a guy who was turned off by that."
"Great. I'll make a note of that too. Soon I'll have a dating manifesto. Maybe I can publish it."
"Awesome. That's one book of yours I'd actually read. That one you wrote about the Tudors or whatever was a total snooze fest. It was nothing like the HBO series with the hot guy. But I use it when I have insomnia, though. So that's a win."
"Thanks for the ego boost. I'll be sure to remember to yawn extra loud when you're publishing that math stuff you like."
"Touché. Well, if you're not coming with me, I want to get home before the rain starts. You need to get out of here too."
"I'm almost done."
"There's only forty-five minutes left before they close campus. It already looks deserted. Your little friend had let me into the math building to get my laptop that I forgot. I told him that you were probably still here and not lock up without making sure you were out of the building."
"Thanks, Rose. I'm heading out soon. Have a good holiday."
"Bye, Bell. Drive home safely," she calls as she walks out.
I go back to my papers, grading as quickly as I can. Only a few...okay many to go. I love Rose, but that little talk set me back. Oh who am I kidding? I'll have to take this stuff home.
"I might as well leave now," I mutter to myself. "Before it gets too late and Mike kicks me out."
I gather my things to leave and then I hear a voice behind me say, "I can't let you walk out of here."
A/N: So this is for my bestie. I love you, Cosmo.
More tomorrow. This will be short and completed this week.
Many thanks to Twilover76 for prereading. All mistakes are my own, since Cosmo can't beta her present.