"Can I ask you something?" Blaine rinsed his mouth and put his toothbrush next to Kurt's.
Kurt talked around his fingers as he flossed. "I i's I an anna insisths on keeing tha raa ee ath chair he ragg ome I don't know."
"It's probably a good sign for our future that I understood every word of that." Blaine clicked off the bathroom light and followed Kurt to his makeshift bedroom. "No, it wasn't why Santana keeps that ratty ass chair she dragged home though I'm sure it makes you crazy" he lowered his voice now that they were out in the one large loft shared by everyone. The curtains that separated the sleeping space of each inhabitant did nothing toward muffling the sound.
To their credit both Santana and Rachel had put on their radios and Sam had the tv on from where he was sleeping on the couch but still privacy remained at a minimum.
Blaine sat on his side of the bed facing away from Kurt, "Are you mad at me for something?"
"No, what makes you think that?" Kurt sat back against his pillow.
"It's stupid, but um, I've been here for six hours and you've hugged me twice but you haven't kissed me. At all."
"No, you don't have to just because I said something, I just was wondering if it's something I did, or didn't do, because when we're apart I just miss you so much and it seems sometimes like you might not miss me like I miss you."
"Blaine. Come. Here." Kurt had a smile in his voice and a sparkle in his eyes.
Blaine kicked off his slippers and slid into bed next to him. "Hi."
"I wanted to wait until we were alone. Did you forget about my new…addition?" He stuck out his tongue to show the metal stud.
"Oh crap, I've been so worried about the NYADA audition I completely forgot. Let me see again !"
Kurt stuck his tongue back out And Blaine dipped his head to investigate. "Does it hurt?"
"I can't believe I'm engaged to a person with a tattoo and a tongue ring. I can't believe YOU got a tattoo and a tongue ring."
"Less talking." Kurt traced the muscle that stood out on Blaine's neck, curling his fingers gently to the back and moving him closer.
Blaine allowed himself to be kissed, a position he was not used to being in.
In the beginning he had been the aggressor. Every time they kissed, for months, it seemed that Kurt was somehow surprised that Blaine actually wanted to kiss him. He was good at it naturally but didn't know he was.
Blaine remembered fondly the moments when Kurt would forget to be self conscious and begin to kiss back, to let go and just allow himself to get lost in sharing this intimacy with him. He lived for those times back then.
Somewhere along the line Kurt stopped being surprised by Blaine's desires and matched him, his own need blazing. Blaine had to admit this was nearly enough to make him lose control and more than one long shower was dedicated to the first time Kurt had murmured his wants into Blaine's mouth.
When he'd come home for Mr. Shue's birthday Kurt had been aggressive, completely and totally wanting to control the situation for the first time. At the time Blaine had told himself it was that Kurt had missed being with him as much as he'd missed Kurt. Looking back now he realized it was Kurt taking his sexual power back, trying to prove to himself he could fuck someone without caring about them as easily as he felt Blaine had. That one cut pretty deep but Blaine tried to remember that Kurt came back to him for that little experiment, hopefully still only willing to get this close to one person, hopefully forever.
He put his hands on Kurt's hips, pushing him away slowly. When he got no response he nudged Kurt away at the shoulders and leaned back from him.
"What's wrong? You don't like it?"
"Not, not really." Blaine saw Kurt's face fall, just a hair, not so much anyone else in the world would notice.
"I'm sorry, Kurt, it's just new, let's try again ."
"Maybe you just need the whole experience." Kurt pushed him back into the mattress and licked his lips. "I've been thinking about this since I sat there white knuckled and tasting blood while John Demonson slammed a giant hole in my tongue."
While he spoke Kurt took Blaine in his hands, he knew just how to touch him, where to add pressure, when to slow down and when to let his thumb glide over his slit. Blaine closed his eyes, this was his Kurt, this was good.
The sensation was short lived. As soon as he felt the hard metal ball against his skin he froze, his entire body tensing.
"Stop, stop please!" He begged, his voice broken as he choked back tears.
"Blaine what's wrong? Did I hurt you?" He immediately appeared at his side, face full of concern and regret. "I tried reading tips online so I could wow you but I must have screwed it up because…"
"No, you were, you're always amazing." Blaine's eyes shown in the darkness. "Can we just, lay here for a little while?"
"Sure." The word was long and drawn out in Kurt's mouth, almost but not quite a question."
He lay on his side of the bed, expecting Blaine to do the same but instead Blaine shared his pillow, lying close.
The clock didn't even have the nerve to tick as the two looked in each other's eyes. It was Blaine who broke the silence, his hand exploring the ridge of Kurt's breastplate, strong and defined now, displaying pecs Kurt must have been working hard for. "This is new."
Kurt said nothing, right now new did not seem to equal good so he simply continued to search Blaine's face for a clue about what was really happening between them.
Blaine continued his study, moving slowly down Kurt's torso to a developing six pack. "You moved to New York and in no time I feel like I don't know you anymore. This new body, this new everything."
"I'm still me." Kurt whispered in the darkness.
"You aren't. You're different, and I'm not saying there's anything wrong with that, I'm just saying I need time to catch up."
"We've both changed, we've grown," Kurt ran a thumb across Blaine's already thickly stumbled jawline. He had shaved only hours ago. "I hope we can grow together because I love you with everything I am but I can't stay that scared penguin you wanted to save forever."
"You were never a penguin, not to me. Everything you did was sexy, the way you held your coffee cup," here Blaine took Kurt's hand and brushed a kiss across his fingertips, "the way you mouthed all the words to every song in Rent" he feathered a soft lipped kiss across his fiancé's lips, "the way you looked in those grey flannel Dalton pants." Laughing just a little he gave Kurt's backside a light squeeze. "The only time you weren't sexy is when you were trying, because then you were being someone you aren't."
"Is that what you think this is? The working out, the tattoo, all of it? Me trying to be something I'm not?" It held no malice, it was a softly posed question.
"No, I think you're searching. Like we all do you're trying on things that interest or scare you to see where you fit."
Kurt nodded, "I think that's true. You seem so threatened by it though. I don't want to lose you while I find me."
"You told me we were done and you had nothing to say to me but I still believed in us. Kurt you are never going to lose me, but I'm scared the new you might not want me."
"Alpha gay is worried about being undesirable? Cut me a break here husband to be, you're the most confident guy I know. Try again."
Blaine lay back against his own pillow and blew out a sigh. His arms curled around his own waist in a move of self protection.
"Dalton Blaine was confident. Surrounded by guys who were my brothers, being told I was someone special every day, THAT made me confident. Seeing the way you used to look at me, the way you wanted me in every possible second of your life, your saying your senior year wouldn't be perfect without me to share it, those things fed my confidence. Now I'm alone, I mean I have Tina and Sam and they're great but it's not the same."
"I should never have asked you to leave Dalton, it was selfish of me."
"I would go anywhere for you. I wonder if you see the way men look at you when we walk around this city. In Lima, if I am an alpha gay, whatever that is, it's because I pass for straight. Here, everywhere we go I see the eyes of guys following you, checking you out. Tonight at the diner I watched no less than six guys work their best game to get into those skin tight pants of yours. You are the sexiest beast in every room you enter and I'm glad you're starting to feel that way but it scares me a little."
Kurt rolled onto his stomach and placed kisses on his chest, "I see those guys, I hear their lines, you know what I think? I think, finally I'll be someone Blaine can be proud to be with. Finally I'm not the one everyone is looking at and thinking how did HE get HIM? I've been playing catch up with you since the day we met, please don't feel like I'm going to run off with my first other option, or my second, or my millionth. You are the only option my heart wants."
They kissed again, no one trying to be in charge of it, just the two of them relaxing into their renewed knowledge that both wanted to be here more than anything. While they did Blaine's hands were restless, roaming everywhere on Kurt's body he could reach.
This time they broke apart for air, each smiling a little at the success of it.
"The tongue ring, it's not even a ring, the piercing still weirds me out a little."
"Do you want me to take it out? I kinda like it but we're in all of this together so you get a vote ."
"No, keep it. It's like all of these new muscles, something I need to learn. After, what happened, I don't ever want to close my eyes and feel another person touching me the way you do. It turns my stomach to think of ever cheating on you again and you feel completely different now. I just need to explore the new you I guess."
Kurt leaned close to his ear and let him know he had taken the following day off from work and told the others he would scalp anyone who came near the apartment before 9 pm. "I think you'll have plenty of time to earn your explorers badge."