Spike violently cringed to no avail against what had just happened to him what seemed only a second ago. Then, he'd found himself tonight on Halloween in the middle of Sunnydale surrounded by a couple dozen very bizarre blokes pointing equally unusual weapons at this vampire, and right after, they'd all shot him with enough force to disintegrate Spike, down to the very last bleached blond hair. Oh, yes, Spike definitely remembered that of his complete and utter destruction, no matter how much he didn't want to. So…why the hell was he back again in one piece and somewhere else in this damn American city?
Making another cautious check of his continuing solidity by giving a few absent pats with one hand against the front of the orange hoodie he'd acquired by sheer accident last night and was wearing at this moment, a very baffled Spike peered around at his new location. He was alone now in one of Sunnydale's dark alleys which looked a wee bit familiar. All right, that gave him the chance to contemplate in some decent peace and quiet about the latest bout of weirdness. It appeared the Hellmouth was having a particularly odd All-Hallows holiday this evening. This left him at somewhat of a loss on whether to investigate further, or just shrug and instead try to do what he'd decided earlier tonight, finding and snacking on the Slayer.
Pulling off the hood of his coat to let it lie against his upper back, Spike thoughtfully rubbed his exposed chin. As a rule, he didn't care all that much about the usual strangeness in Sunnydale unless it directly affected him and Dru by putting them at risk in some way. Well, getting recently blasted to less than dust beyond any doubt counted as a risk, but seeing how Spike had no idea just why it'd happened in the first place or how he'd wound up again intact and still the most feared vampire in town, the sensible thing to do now was to nip back to his insane lover and lie low in their crypt for a while. Afterwards, once he was sure things had quieted down in this damned place, the English demon would find out exactly who should pay in agonized screams and an eventual horrific death for such an offense against William the Bloody.
Unfortunately, Spike wasn't going to be let off that easy tonight.
Considering how in the South Park cartoon series that Kenny McCormick apparently possessed the ability to reincarnate himself after every one of this little boy's numerous idiotic deaths, it's no wonder the Chaos magic set free in Sunnydale tonight also gave an unaware Spike the vampire this self-same knack of returning to his previous level of existence. However, there included in that abrupt revival a rather important detail regarding the fact Spike was still wearing the famous orange parka he'd unwittingly donned without knowing the grisly fates awaiting whoever dared to put on Kenny's coat.
Case in point…
The sudden sound of fluttering wings overhead was heard by Spike as he strode down the alley in the direction of the crypt which was his destination. Glancing up at what he assumed to be some pigeon or other bird disturbed from their nest by his presence, Spike froze in his tracks to gape with abrupt shock at what was instead hovering there in mid-air a mere yard or so above and beyond the vampire.
Something which only minutes ago had been a plush toy as an accessory to a young girl's X-men costume, Lockheed the dragon now balefully glared down at someone this little flying beast instinctively sensed was a deadly danger to his mistress. Opening his fanged mouth, the purple dragon blew a blast of searing fire right at Spike. With comic-book speed, these flames reduced Spike to a pile of ash before he could even react, much less try to escape his doom.
Giving a quite satisfied snort, Lockheed flew off to find Kitty Pryde in what appeared to be yet another unexpected adventure for this mutant superheroine and her alien pet.
In their crypt, Drusilla still seated in one corner of the underground space again announced, "He killed Kenny! You winged bastard!"
Spike flinched at not just being burned to death, but in also being revived simultaneously with the sound of a magnificent trumpet crescendo battering at his ears. Spinning around on the sidewalk to gawk at where this music was coming from seemingly nowhere, Spike missed the keen sword edge slashing horizontally from behind the vampire. This weapon didn't slow down the slightest in decapitating Spike, nor did it stop moving when its latest victim turned into dust. Instead, Robin Hood and the Sheriff of Nottingham continued with their spirited duel in a Sunnydale street, accompanied by Erich Wolfgang Korngold's majestic score and two looming shadows battling together while being projected on the blank building wall opposite.
Drusilla indignantly declared, "He killed Kenny! You bastard in tights!" After saying this, though, the undead woman in her tattered white dress began to hum along to the 1938 Warner Brothers movie.
Throwing up his hands in absolute panic to shield his face, Spike waited in growing terror at whatever was going to fatally happen to him now. When nothing actually occurred for several seconds, the vampire felt his dread subside a bit, enough for him to lower his hands. This was done just in time for a runaway hoverboard from the Back to the Future series moving at least 300 mph after the failure of its safety interlocks nailed Spike right between the eyes.
Rolling her own eyes in genuine annoyance, Drusilla got up from the corner while muttering under her nonexistent breath, "He killed Kenny! You time-traveling bastard!"
Frantically crouching down while performing matching frenzied gestures with his hands to protect his entire body, Spike finished off his ridiculous posture by hopping around in a full circle to defend himself from his next ludicrous opponent. Who, for some reason, wasn't showing up…
Straightening from his cowering stance, Spike shot a very alarmed look around in all directions at the deserted Sunnydale High football field, before eventually letting out a sigh of relief. Good, nobody had seen him do that-
Scampering from the nearest goal zone, three members of the Sciuridae family stopped in front of Spike, rose to their hind legs, and then Alvin, Simon and Theodore serenaded the vampire with their highest-pitched voices, "We wish you a merry Halloweeeeeeeen!"
An opera singer hitting the exact note can shatter a wine glass without any trouble. The trio of warbling chipmunks didn't have any difficulty either in making Spike's head explode.
Wrenching off the cupboard door to the crypt's liquor cabinet with one casual sweep of her arm, Drusilla yanked from in there a bottle of twenty-year aged Scotch, popped off the cap with a flick of her thumb, and next she lifted the container to her mouth and drained the entire contents in a single chug. Letting out an indecorous belch, the Victorian vampire now said with real loathing in her tone, "They killed Kenny! You squeaky bastards!"
Caught helplessly in the grip of two creatures, both far stronger than a vampire and even more hungry for blood, Spike underwent a tug-of-war between an Alien and a Predator until at last instantly puffing into dust after being torn in two by those film monsters.
Drusilla was well into the rhythm now. One after the other, the remaining liquor bottles were seized, opened, and downed for her to then say with growing exasperation various reworkings of the now-familiar phrase, finished off by Drusilla throwing over her shoulder the empty bottle to smash into smithereens on the far crypt wall.
A thunderous crash came from behind Spike, followed immediately by a wave of liquid which knocked the vampire flat onto his face in the fast-food parking lot. Trying to get back on his feet, Spike was stuck in the gluey substance entirely covering him which seemed to be a mixture of clear and yellowish fluid. His shoulders were then grabbed by two strong hands that pulled him up and easily held Spike dangling off the ground in their grip. Looking right into Ronald McDonalds' maniac expression, a scared stiff vampire dripping in the result of Humpty-Dumpty falling off the building next door then heard from the gloating clown, "You deserve a break today! We cook it all for you at McDonalds'!"
Spike was then tossed onto an oversized circular piece of bread, where the still-immobile vampire had a sheet of cheese draped over him, plus another bread layer as the top. Muffled screams now came from where Spike had just realized his future as the largest ever Egg McMuffin.
"He killed Kenny! You Madison Avenue shill bastard!"
And so it went for the rest of the night, with even Rupert Giles on his way to Ethan Rayne's costume shop slamming on the brakes of his car when a somewhat recognizable figure in an orange anorak ran across the street ahead while being overtaken by the pursuing huge boulder from an iconic Harrison Ford movie.
Staggering inside their crypt at last when a Janus statuette was finally destroyed, Spike found in there not his dearly yearned-for Drusilla to give him sympathy and patch up his wounds, but rather a thoroughly trashed interior without any sign of his paramour. Pinned in between the mortar of the wall stones with one of his own personal railroad spikes was Miss Edith, Dru's beloved doll. Also attached to the pointed iron rod was a note written in a familiar feminine hand:
If you're reading this, you managed to survive all the ridiculous consequences tonight which I also shared - every single one of them - because of my seer powers. For some reason, the sheer stupidity I was forced to witness for the last several hours has not only restored my sanity but it permanently ended any affection towards you that I previously possessed. I'm leaving for England, where I'll retire to overwhelming dullness by changing my name, thralling someone from the local hospital to provide the blood I need, opening an after-hours teashop for the demonic crowd, and breeding spaniels in my spare time.
If you ever think of searching for me and succeed in it, rest assured that I'll then do things to you which will make even Angelus have nightmares beyond belief.
Belinda Chowdringham (formerly Drusilla the Mad)