It was not an ordinary day at Hogwarts. The headmaster was working frantically to placate the board of governors – they had come close to suspending him when his gargantuan sweets budget had been publicized. The defense professor – formerly, potions professor - had secluded himself in his quarters and was actually smiling as he gleefully ripped the wrapping paper from a thin, square-shaped package, revealing the names of John Travolta and Olivia Newton-John. In the library, a boy with a lightning bolt scar and a boy with red hair had gathered around a table. The presence of the boys in the library was not in itself out of the ordinary – even the redheaded one could occasionally be seen there, although he often referred to the place as "The Hogwarts Prison". What was definitely out of the ordinary was the absence of a certain bushy-haired girl who was, in fact, the topic of conversation for the two boys.
"So Harry, why am I here again?"
"I need your help with something. You see, Hermione and I had a teensy tiny fight-"
"What'd you do?"
"Why do you always assume that I did something?"
"Point taken. Well, you know how Hermione has been slightly obsessed with Hogwarts: A History for years? I figured that since she's so fond of it I should at least try to read it, so I asked Hermione if I could borrow her copy."
Ron paled. "Oh Merlin, Harry – even I know not to mess with Hogwarts: A History. What happened?"
"I got the book. Only, when I started reading I realized that the book has like thousands of pages. And they're all immensely boring."
If possible, Ron achieved an even whiter shade of pale. "That sounds only slightly worse than an encounter with You-Know-Who."
"My thoughts exactly. Obviously, I had to find an alternative solution, and as luck would have it I had just been reading about spellcrafting."
"And you distracted Hermione with that while you ran?"
"Of course not. What if she asked questions pertaining to Hogwarts: A History? Honestly, Ron. No, I invented a spell that would copy all the information in the book directly into my mind. "
"Or at least, that's what I thought the spell did. What it actually did was to overwrite every single page in the book with an ancient Sumerian translation of Lou Bega's Mambo No. 5."
"How in Merlin's name did that happen?"
"Beats me. I'm not a spellcrafter."
"Yet you used Hermione's copy of Hogwarts: A History to test an experimental spell of your own design. You definitely belong in the house of the brave."
"It was an emergency! I almost had to read the whole thing! But anyway, I thought the best way to get back in her good graces was by making some kind of gesture – for example, killing Voldemort."
Ron groaned. "Honestly, Harry. Not again."
"And that's where you come in!"
"Harry, the last time I tried to help you with one of your schemes we crashed the Knight Bus into a hotel in Minsk, got Luna kidnapped by the Russian Mafia, and almost started a nuclear war while trying to rescue her."
"Right. That was… an unfortunate series of accidents."
"Harry, we're still legally banned from entering Magical Belarus, and we're on nine different terrorist watchlists."
"We'll do better this time! Promise!"
"You can't be serious."
"Of course not. That's my godfather. Will you help me?"
Ron sighed. "Alright, I'll help you. "
"Actually, Harry, I'm quite glad you asked me to help you. I have this idea, you see…"
"Do tell, Ron!"
"Well, I overheard Lavender talking to Parvati the other day. They were discussing something they called unresolved sexual tension. Apparently, when people come into conflict, it's often because they have trouble expressing their latent romantic feelings for one another…"
"That's brilliant, Ron! I always thought there was something more to the way Dumbledore and Voldemort spoke about each other. And I was told that I would win the war using the power of love…"
"Harry, what are you writing?"
"Honestly, Harry? We're going to defeat Voldemort by reading?"
"Have some faith, Ron. The pen is mightier than the sword!"
Dubiously, Ron began:
I just happened to come across an extra bottle of Elixir of Life the other day. I have attached it to this letter. I hope you can find some use for it.
An anonymous fan."
"Now we just need to brew a love potion, and send this on the way…"
Dumbledore was sitting in his office – still frantically balancing budgets – when a majestic black owl swooped in with a letter and a dozen red roses. Hands shaking in anticipation, the headmaster opened the letter and began reading.
We should totally date.
Dumbledore sighed. "The things I do for the Greater Good…"
"Dearest Tom, …"
"So, considering the fact that Dumbledore is currently crying and mumbling something about how 'all Dark Lords are the same ', can we conclude that our plan has failed?"
Ron's shoulders slumped. "I suppose so. On to the next?"
"Of course! I don't think we can this alone, however, so I'm going to bring in some help."
Ron blanched. "Please not the twins? They'll prank me as much as the enemy."
"Relax. The twins would be too obvious. We need someone Voldemort would never suspect."
"Oh? Who do you have in mind?"
"Obviously it can't be anyone magical, that might make him suspicious."
"And Filch hates us enough that he would be right at home with the Death Eaters."
"Honestly, Harry. He would never agree to help us."
Harry's lips quirked upwards in a vaguely diabolical smile. "He will if we motivate him properly. I was thinking… we kidnap Mrs. Norris!"
"Thank you. As a matter of fact, I ordered a large amount of catnip for just that purpose…"
"Okay, Ron. Operation Catnap is go. The bait is in place…"
"I have the target in sight. She is heading in your direction."
"Roger that. I see her… Preparing the ambush."
"Harry! That's McGonagall, not Mrs. Norris! Abort! Abandon ship! Run, Harry, Run!"
"I panicked, didn't know what to say. Just shup up and run."
"So Harry, why are we at the Wizengamot again?"
Harry leaned in and whispered his response, careful not to disturb the current discussion. "Well, since our last plan only succeeded in getting McGonagall addicted to catnip, I figured I'd ask someone for advice. Neville recommended I read up on the legal practices of Wizarding Britain, and here we are…"
"Sure, I get that – but what have you planned?"
"I found an obscure law from 1236 that allows you to 'demand compensation' for the damage caused when Lucius Malfoy gave Ginny the diary. I thought we could deprive Voldemort of some of his financial resources this way."
A gavel hit a table, and a booming voice filled the chamber. "The chair recognizes Harry of House Potter, speaking on behalf of Ronald of House Weasley. The floor is yours!"
"My thanks, your judgifulness. Forsooth, I come bef-"
The gavel again hit the table. "Chief! Warlock!"
"Sorry. Ahem. As I was saying, your Chiefwarlockifulness. Friends, Wizards, Countrymen! A grave injury has been done by the House of Malfoy unto the House of Weasley! You have all heard the story – A dark artifact was placed by Lucius Malfoy in the possession of Ginevra, youngest daughter of Weasley. A dark artifact which endangered not only her, but every student at Hogwarts along with her! And yet, House Weasley has yet to receive compensation…"
"Mr. Potter, where are you going with this?"
"Therefore, on behalf of Ronald of House Weasley, I demand proper compensation as specified by the Honor Act of 1236 from house Malfoy!"
"Please tell me you're joking."
"Of course not!"
A sigh was heard and a gavel once again forcibly encountered a table. "Very well, Mr. Potter. A betrothal between Ronald of House Weasley and the youngest daughter of House Malfoy shall be drawn up. Of course, since House Malfoy has no daughters, the contract shall be between Ronald of Weasley and Draco of Malfoy."
Ron looked up at the Chief Warlock with a resounding shout of "What? I thought I would get his money?"
"No, Mr. Weasley. The Honor Act of 1236 clearly states that the compensation cannot be financial in nature."
Harry paled. "Oh Merlin, I knew I should have read the whole law."
In one of Hogwart's many corridors, Ron was ambushed by a tearful Lavender Brown.
"I thought we had something! Do I mean nothing to you? I had to hear it from Parvati, who heard it from Demelza Robin, who was told by Terry Boot, who-"
"Hear what, Lav?"
"That you're betrothed to Malfoy, you berk! Why didn't you tell me?"
"In my defense it just happened yesterday! And I'm not marrying Malfoy, it's-"
Lavender's mood instantly turned around. "You're defying your family for me? Oh Won-won, that's so romantic!"
"We'll have to elope as soon as possible, of course. Or maybe we could get married in secret? Then when you're in the church with Malfoy, I'll burst in and tell him you're mine… Oh, it'll be just like in the novels!"
"Honestly Lav, we don't have to-"
"Oh, maybe we could reveal it to our families first – wouldn't it be romantic if they started a feud because of us?"
"Perhaps I could duel Malfoy for the right to your hand! Of course, he's a much better duelist than me at the moment, so I would have to go into hiding and become a pirate for some years – do you think you can postpone the wedding?"
"Maybe we could concoct an elaborate scheme to fake our own deaths… I'll get the poison!"
Before Ron could say another word, Lavender stormed off – although going by the volume of his shouted "Bloody hell", neither her nor the rest of Hogwarts could avoid hearing it.
"I'm sorry I ruined your book, Hermione."
"It's fine. I'm sorry too. I guess I overreacted just a tiny bit."
Harry waved her off. "Nothing to apologize for. I got you a new copy to replace the one I ruined, though."
"Harry, that's sweet. You didn't have to get me anything…"
"I wanted to. And, well…"
"Harry, I love you and all – but please tell me you didn't do anything stupid?"
"You didn't try to defeat Voldemort or something?"
"Merlin, you totally did. Harry, what's our first rule about dark lords?"
Harry sighed. "Tell Hermione before I rush off. I know. But I wanted to impress you, and killing dark lords is just something I know I'm good at, so I thought… Please don't be mad?"
"I'm not mad. Just… Be careful, okay?"
"I always am. I promise."
"Right… Anyway, what went wrong?"
"Why does something have to go wrong?"
Hermione huffed. "Honestly, Harry. Are you saying everything went according to your plan?"
"Well no. I kinda got Ron and Malfoy engaged. And McGonagall now has a tiny little drug problem. And Dumbledore almost eloped with Voldemort. And-"
"I get the picture. Honestly, Harry!"
While I do have a proper entry planned, this really wanted to be written.